The Eternal Marriage Bed

Saturday, May 20, 2023

May 20/2023 There is still so much to do

I know I haven't been posting much - but THAT'S OKAY!

Thanks to many of you, I'm still able to work on finishing my degree, though most of it is paid for on my own.

Right now, while posting to the Marriage Bed facebook page and MeWe Marriage Bed page, I've been working on getting books published and out there to help your marriages.

We published The Collected Works of the Eternal Marriage Bed, and Achieving The Best Possible Sex, and we have 9 more that we're working on publishing. Amazon doesn't make it easy LOL.

A side project I've been working on with my wife has been an Easter tradition I've been doing since my mission. With the encouragement of last General Conference, I felt strongly impressed it's time to publish that book. It's called "Christ Our Passover, An Easter Feast". With some help and research - I am a researcher - I reconstructed the passover celebration that all Jewish people celebrate each year to show all the symbolisms of the atonement of Jesus Christ. It's a really fun and meaningful activity that involves the whole family and my hope is that all Latter-Day Saint families will be able to use this to help them make Easter as big a deal as Christmas - like it deserves, instead of just eating ham and easter egg hunts. It really helped us keep our focus on the Savior in a really fun and uplifting way. Hope you like it.

In addition, I've had some time to reflect on what I want to do with this blog and (while learning about coaching and how to teach the whole picture when it comes to relationships and marital success, I'm concerned that I'm moving too much away from the focus of what I really wanted to provide for you.

As we learned in Sexual Wholeness in Marriage, and from my own experience, all sex education materials, - and I mean the books and videos that actually teach about the techniques for all the activities available to you when engaging in marital intimacy - all come from educators from hedonistic philosophies such as Alfred Kinsey, and other educators from the sexual revolution whose narrative is that the only way to teach about or fully enjoy sex is to just give in and profane it.

I've written and given to you how to differentiate between sacred erotic material and profane erotic material and I feel it's time to get back to my goal of providing for the saints "how to" material that teaches all sexual techniques - (being mindful that ALL sex is sacred and the right and rite of married couples to know, learn and do.) in a way that helps you know what to do, but in a way that is reverent and respectful and doesn't present it in terms of "boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, homosexual, or group".

This may take some time, but Laura Brotherson has been doing a great job teaching the relationship aspect, I'm still here to address the issues we husbands face and our perspective and needs, but my focus will be attempting to focus on my true purpose, to get those materials out to you, so at least future generations of newlyweds have something better than The Joy of Sex or Laci Green or worse - profane erotica - to turn to for answers.

~Coach Sam (sorry for any grammatical errors LOL)

Sunday, December 18, 2022

Reader comment on Church General Handbook 38.6.19 "Birth Control"

"...for the choice of "permanent" sterilization. 38.6.19 "strongly discourages surgical sterilization as an elective form of birth control" and then allows for limited exceptions.

I expect that 38.6.4 is a better representation of God's truth on the matter (that birth control -- including surgical sterilization when a couple decides they will not have more children -- is a private matter that should be left between the couple and the Lord), and that 38.6.19 will eventually get edited and corrected when the bureaucracy can get to it (but what does some random internet busybody like me really know). For now, there is still some tension in the Handbook about just how far a couple can go in deciding these things for themselves." ~ David N

I'm not sure I see a conflict in the two policies. I can see why it would be "discouraged". When a couple goes in for surgical sterilization, the doctor has to sit them down and make sure they fully understand what they are electing to do. This is because many cases have had post surgery remorse - whether it was spiritually or years down the road changing their mind about wanting children. If a man is sterilized, should his wife die and he remarries, his new wife may want a child. Sure he can get a reversal, but it can cost $8-10,000. There is generally not the same issue with other forms of birth control. This is the only reason I can see it being "discouraged". Though it is discouraged, I was not able to find anywhere where sterilization would be a action that would affect temple worthiness or be a cause for membership restrictions or a church court. Bishops are not being told to ask about sterilization in interviews. So, in that, I'm still seeing the church keeping themselves out of the decisions they make concerning birth control. The only reason I can see why it would be put as a "discouragement" in the handbook would be in case a member ask a church leader about it. The church leader could then tell them "well, the handbook say's it's discouraged, but is a decision to be made between you, your spouse and the Lord." This is one of the reasons I wrote my article "Is the Bishop in Your Bedroom". As youth in the church we can culturally get so hung up on taking anything sexual to the Bishop that some don't realize they don't have to take what they do sexually with their spouse to the Bishop. As married couples, our sexual activities with our spouse are between spouses and the Lord. In fact, the Bishop really doesn't want to hear it and I've had a bishop tell me as much.

~ Coach Sam Zaragoza

Tuesday, March 15, 2022

Which Lube Is Right For Your Marriage?

While doing my research and thinking about taking a trip to Europe, the thought came to me “would someone traveling to say, London, be able to go to a local chemist and buy their favorite lube?” So many things we take for granted in America.

Many of the lubes you would find at a local Walmart in America are not available in the UK. They have their own line of personal lubricants.

This led to the idea that, if a married couple were traveling to Europe, and decided to get their toiletries there, they may find themselves standing at the shelves of products asking, “Which one do I spend my money on”?

So why don’t we test several and pass that information on to you?

For this reason, we conducted this experiment. With help from my MeWe page group, I selected 10 lubes - Astroglide, Astroglide Paraben Free, Greater Value (Walmart brand) Personal Lubricant Jelly, Lubido, Lube Life, Pjur, Sagami, Durex and KY Yours & Mine. Lubido and Lube life are sold in the UK.

For this experiment, to keep it as consistent as possible, I did all water-based lubes, used Astroglide as my control (since I judged it initially to be the best in terms of color, durability, safety and clean up), and included a latex test for those who may want to know how effective the lube could be with condom use.

To keep the experiment appropriate for members of the Church, we performed the experiment by putting 3 drops on the palm of my hand and rubbing my hands together. One test was done with just skin on skin and the other with one hand with a latex glove and the other just skin.

With the lube on, and my wife running a timer, I rubbed my hands together until I felt the first sensation of friction setting in – basically a feeling like I needed to add more lube. The results may have been subjective to personal preference in some respects, but we tried to keep it consistent. I also rubbed my hands together using a moderate, but vigorous speed and tried to keep it the same speed for all the lubes tested.

When I began, I placed three drops on the palm of my hand. The lube was not spread out first. I put my palms together and as soon as I said “go”, the timer began, and I would rub my hands until friction set in.

As you can see from the chart, we tested for texture, color, and scent, as well as friction prevention in seconds with skin only, and with skin on a latex glove to simulate condom use. We also tested how long it took to rinse off my hands – with just plain running tap water – rubbing my hands together until I didn’t feel the slippery effect of any lube anywhere on my hands anymore. Clean up was an important factor to consider. Since these are “water based”, water breaks down a lubricant’s ability to lubricate. This also means that bodily fluids can affect a lube’s performance. So, the longer it takes to wash off, the less lube may be needed.

From the results, there wasn’t really a clear “winner”, but rather a general guideline emerged that may be helpful for others in decision-making, depending on what you need it for.

it appeared “Lube Life” was the clear winner in overall performance. It lasted the longest in its lubrication durability with skin and kept up with the longer lasting lubes with latex use. It also washed off quickly, but not too quick. Also, at $6 for 4 oz, was one of the more economical of the choices.

A surprising runner up – especially for latex use – was the Greater Value Personal Lubrication Jelly. It lasted the longest yet was also the hardest to wash off. In fact, you may need to use soap if you want to get it off faster.

Its lubrication durability wasn’t that surprising though – if you really think about it. It’s designed to be a lubricant (like KY Jelly) for latex glove medical examination – where the lubrication needs to be reliable, especially with latex gloves to prevent discomfort or skin damage, and at $1.95 for 4oz is an amazing deal.

Astroglide original came in second for its durability on just skin and clean up, but fourth on its durability with a condom.

An honorable mention went to the Durex brand. Its bottle design was brilliant. The top applicator is a smooth plastic wide dome shape that allows for comfortable hands-free lube distribution – which helps reduce clean up. However, it was my opinion that the product felt somewhat unpleasant – not painful, just goopy, and gross on the skin. It was flavored like vanilla cake mix – which you may find helpful for intimate play, but I found the fragrance somewhat difficult to wash out. That may or may not be an issue for you.

Personal Lubricant Test Results Grid

As you can see from my chart, I also included the ingredients of each so you can see what they have in common and so you can do a browser search to find out what those ingredients are and decide if you are comfortable putting that in or on your body.

I hope you found this helpful, as a tool toward helping you both build the kind of marriage you want to keep for eternity. ~ Sam Zaragoza (March 15, 2022)

Sunday, August 22, 2021

CTC Night (at home) Sock Hop!

Here is another great at home date idea.

Now the kids are back in school, and you know the holidays are approacing quickly, that means stake dances and holiday parties. So, now is a great time to brush up your dancing skills.

Check a video out of the library or find a dance instruction video on YouTube. Sure there are the classics, but do you know all of them? Swing, fox trot, waltz, rhumba, salsa? Don't show up again with just the "mormon two-step" Be ready to impress the sock off the kids at the stake dance, or others at the ward activity or office party.

Take it a step further and learn some of the new dances kids are doing today or some break dancing - which is very popular with South Korean kids right now. Maybe even some Bollywood dance moves.

So put on your dance shoes or make it a sock hop.

Happy Dating!

Monday, July 5, 2021

(Podcast) Pt. 2 How to talk about sex in a way that maintains reverence for the sacred

In this episode, coach Sam and Dianna Zaragoza discuss why sex is not talked about in church and how church prepares us to know how to talk about sex. Thanks for your patience everyone! Part 3 is coming. Here is a link to part 1. https://eternalmarriagebed.blogspot.com/2021/01/how-to-talk-about-sex-in-way-that.html Blogger is giving me trouble with uploading the video directly from YouTube, so here is the link:https://youtu.be/hxP1kxW-o7M You may need to copy and paste the link into the address field of your browser.

Sunday, June 20, 2021

Reflections

This week, on June 25th, I celebrate my 50th birthday. At this point is sounds kind of ludicrous that I'm still working on finishing my sex therapist degree, yet working on finishing it I am. I'm determined to finish this course in life if it takes me the rest of my life, but that is the commitment that I have to you to help ensure "sex" doesn't stand in the way but is a welcome companion to both spouses as you strive to have a happy and successful eternal marriage. So today I reflect that it has been 30 years of research and 11 years since I started writing articles for you and even if it only helps one marriage to be successful, it will still all be worth it. I appreciate all of you for sticking with me, reading my articles and for your input. I don't want to jinx it, but I have finished compiling my book and it is in the editing process now. It will contain all my published works to help them be more accessible, a tool to mark up and will make it easier to find your favorite articles. I'm finding this necessary because Blogger, Google and social media are making more and more difficult to access my articles - I suppose it's a consequence of trying to keep this information free. Please keep an eye out on Facebook and MeWe and here for when I announce the book's availabilty. Thank you all for your support. ~ Sam Zaragoza, LDS Marital Intimacy Coach

Monday, January 18, 2021

(Podcast) How to talk about sex in a way that maintains reverence for the sacred pt. 1

Coach Sam discusses the origins of our American cultural norms and beliefs around talking about sex. The first in this series that will discuss our beliefs about talking about sex as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and what rules you can establish in a conversation that will help you comfortably discuss sex without feeling like you're defiling something sacred.

Saturday, December 12, 2020

Let Sexual Virtue Garnish Thy Thoughts

Hello faithful readers,

I wanted to make note of a thought I had recently, regarding a concern many of our faithful brethren and sisters in the church have been struggling with when working so diligently to keep their carnal desires bridled (not eradicated) and in check.

We've been taught since youth in the church that when it comes to sexual morality and the law of chastity, we should let virtue garnish our thoughts unceasingly. (Doc. & Cov. 121:45) If this is the only thing you may have been given as a guideline to hing your sexual thoughts and feelings on, I want to give you brethren (and even sisters) some words of comfort that when it comes to sexual thoughts, you have more righteous leeway than you may have previously been aware of.

When it comes to sexual purity, we have also been instructed by our beloved prophet Spencer W. Kimball " In the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely approved. There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join in a process of creation and in an expression of love.” (Eternal Marriage Student Manual, 2003,139)

This means that thinking about your spouse in a sexual manner is well within the realm of righteous and virtuous options. In addition, you not only can but should let sexual thoughts of your spouse garnish your thoughts! Sex is intended to be used as a tool to bring you closer together. If sexual thoughts of your spouse help you desire your spouse more and therefore intimately bring you together, it's not only a "good" thing, it's a "virtuous" thing.

Satan's battle plan is to push you apart, keep you from thinking about each other in any kind of positive way and to keep you from having sex. Because, he knows these are the tools that keep an eternal marriage strong.

Only the world thinks that sexual thoughts are "bad, nasty or dirty" thoughts, because the world only think of having sex in terms of outside of marriage and give no merit to thinking about sex inside of marriage. As though it loses some kind of power or its pleasure and enjoyment is marginal to what a sex outside of marriage experience is. In this, they not only show their ignorance of how astronomically better marital intimacy is, but defile the sacred act of thinking about sex. Just because the world defiles it doesn't make sexual thought "unsacred", anymore than someone performing temple ordinances on YouTube makes the ordinances we perform in the temple profane, and require us to no longer perform them. They are still sacred and we still perform them in the temple.

We reverence the sacredness of sexuality by keeping our sexual thoughts within the bounds the Lord has set - that boundary being marriage. So go forth, be happy and fill your thoughts with that of your spouse - in a sexual way.

God bless you all and make your marriage one that makes you smile when you think of being in it for eternity.

~Sam Zaragoza, LDS Marital Intimacy Coach

See the source image

Saturday, June 20, 2020

Date Night Tips For When You Have Small Children or Elder Care

I was reading through one of my textbooks and found this. The chapter is on balancing college and life, but could also apply to balancing your eternal marriage relationship and life.

Since we change and grow as time passes when we are married, couples who are not in the habit of going on regular dates can grow apart instead of together. After marriage, nothing is spontaneous anymore, so regular date nights have to be schedule and planned, but the rewards are worth it.

Also, after we are married, children and the cares of life can consume a lot of time. If we don't plan time with our spouse in there, time will slip away and we'll find it's been years since we last had a date with our spouse.

All of us will at some point in our lives have to accommodate children and or elder care. Here are some ideas to help manage those so you have time with your sweetheart when those dates have to be at home. I've arranged some of the wording to be more appropriate to courtship night.

The chapter was "Dealing with Childcare Demands" [1]

* Provide activities for your children. Kids enjoy doing things on their own for part of the day. Plan activities that will keep them happily occupied while you're [having your date.]

* Enlist your child's help. Children love to play adult and, if they are old enough, help you [have a date]. Perhaps you can give them 'assignments' that they can work on while you're [having your date].

* [ Arrange for a play date at their friend's house]. Some children can remain occupied for house if they have a playmate.

*Use screen time appropriately. Age-appropriate shows like Sesame Street, Netflix downloads, and even video games can be not only engaging, but educational. The trick is to monitor what the kids watch.

*Find the best childcare providers that are available. The better the care your children are getting, the better you'll be able to concentrate on your [spouse while you're on your date]. You may still feel guilty that you're not with your children as much as you'd like, but accept that guilt. Remember, your [time alone with your spouse] builds a better future for your children.

*Use your children's 'downtime' effectively. If your children are young, use their nap time as a chance to [date]. Or consider getting up early, before your children wake up, for a period [of time] in which you will have fewer interruptions than later in the day.

*Accept that [dating] will be harder with kids around. It may take you longer to [make arrangements], and [it might not be as fun as it was when the two of you were young and single]. But remind yourself...one day your children will be grown, and without a doubt there will be times that you'll miss their high level of energy and activity [but dating will get so much easier, especially if you persevered while they were young.]

Elder Care Demands

* Encourage as much independence as possible on the part of older adults for whom you are responsible. Not only will this take some of the pressure off you, but it will be helpful to adults.

* Ask for support form your siblings and other family members. Caring for an ill or aging parent should be a family affair, not a burden that falls on any one individual.

* Determine what community resources are available. Local centers for aging may provide assistance not only to the elderly but also to their caregivers.

* Respect your own needs. Remember that your own priorities are important. Elders for whom you are responsible will understand that you will sometimes need to put your [marriage] first.

[1] East Central University, Interdisciplinary Studies, McGraw Hill Education, (2019, 49-50)

*

Saturday, June 6, 2020

QUIZ: Do You Procrastinate Date Night?

Getting into the habit of date night is extremely important to the health and happiness of your eternal marriage. Many of us procrastinate this. So (with the help of my old Interdisciplinary Studies text book [2019,48], I’ve organized this simple test you can take together.

Find Your Date Night Procrastination Quotient

1. I invent reasons and look for excuses for not having date night with my spouse