Cultural Myth or Gospel Truth: If my wife/husband isn’t in
the mood to have sex, then trying to convince them otherwise is coercion and/or
unrighteous dominion.
What is coercion when
it comes to sex?
Definitions are important, even for terms we’re very
familiar with. The term ‘coercion’ means ‘use of force or intimidation to
obtain compliance’.[i]
So how does this apply to sexuality in an LDS marriage?
Does our spouse physically force us to have sex? This is
marital rape, one of the more obvious forms of coercion.
Does our spouse use threats, bullying or terrorization to
compel us to engage in intimacy? This counts as coercion.
What if a spouse tries to talk about their desire, or persuade
the other to change their mind about not having sex? Would it seem strange to
know that this doesn’t fall under the banner of ‘coercion’? What if guilt is
sometimes the proper emotion for the reluctant spouse to have?
“If you have little to no appetite for sex, you might be thinking, ‘This is my spouse’s problem. Why should I put energy into our sexual relationship if I don’t really desire sex?’…I’ve been a marriage therapist for a very long time, and I can tell you without hesitation that if you continue to look at the differences in your levels of sexual desire as your spouse’s problem rather than as a couple’s problem, you are courting disaster…I also urge you to consider the unfairness of the tacit agreement you have had with your spouse…it goes something like this: ‘I know you’re sexually unhappy. Although I don’t plan on doing anything about it, I still expect you to remain faithful.’ Can you see what’s wrong with this picture?”[ii]
What is unrighteous
dominion in the bedroom?
Expecting your spouse to live up to your expectations,
whatever they are, with no regard for their feelings in the matter, is
unrighteous dominion. It boils down to pride and selfishness – the universal
sins.[iii]
Unrighteous dominion can be committed by the spouse who
wants sex. It can also be committed by the spouse that doesn’t want sex.
Unrighteous dominion has no gender limitations. When the Lord mentions ‘men’ in
D&C 121 in this context, he is referring to us as humans, not just to
males. Women also hold priesthood authority, which includes the authority to
exercise their procreative powers in marriage.[iv]
As an example, should a member ask, does a worthy priesthood
holder have the right to repeatedly refuse to give a priesthood blessing on the
basis of not being “in the mood”? Can we not see something of a correlation here?
What if my spouse
doesn’t want to have sex, and I do? Or vice versa?
Something that each spouse should consider is whether or not
the person they’re blaming for all their problems isn’t actually the problem.
“And why beholdest thou the amote that is in thy brother’s eye, but perceivest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
Either how canst thou say to thy brother, Brother, let me pull out the mote that is in thine eye, when thou thyself beholdest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, cast out first the beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt thou see clearly to pull out the mote that is in thy brother’s eye.”[v]
The spouse who wants sex can’t imagine why the other doesn’t
want sex. The spouse who doesn’t want sex can’t imagine why the other wants it
so much.
A good first step to address this is taking the time to see things the way the
other spouse does. Understanding is the first step to finding an acceptable
compromise, or even a resolution of the issue.
Consider how expectations may play into how we feel. Are we
trying to live up to an ideal we learned in church, or in our family, or in the
movies, or from a book? Could it be possible that that ‘ideal’ is incorrect for
our specific situation in your marriage? No two marriages are alike, and this
is normal.
Consider that we should both seek help. If you’re satisfied
with your sex life, but your spouse is not, you both collectively have a
problem that needs resolving. Each spouse is part of a team, and if one has a
problem, both have a problem. Find a trusted counselor to help you work things
out. Also, consider that a bishop or a stake president are spiritual counselors,
not sexual or marriage counselors. There is a time and a place for seeking
professional help.[vi]
If only one spouse is willing to work on themselves, that is
enough to start.[vii]
Sometimes, sex should
be had, even when we’re not in ‘the mood’. Sometimes ‘the mood’ doesn’t happen
UNTIL the reluctant spouse starts to have sex.
The accepted cultural model usually goes like this: A person
has desire, then feels arousal to have sex, and then initiates sex and
experiences orgasm and resolution. Hollywood portrays this as the “norm”.
The reality is that, for many, a spouse first needs to make
the decision to have sex, then they feel arousal as they are stimulated, and
then the desire comes.
A spouse should never be made to feel that they are “abnormal”
for not feeling desire first, but instead should be shown gratitude for being
willing to participate – even if arousal doesn’t come that time.[viii]
The idea that a spouse who tries to convince and encourage
the other spouse to have sex is coercing them or exercising unrighteous
dominion is not necessarily true – or in other words, a myth.
[ii]
Weiner-Davis, Michele. The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido,
A Couple’s Guide. Simon & Shuster: New York. 2003. Pg. 10-11.
[iii] See
both ‘Beware of Pride’ by Ezra Taft Benson (April 1989 Conference): https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1989/04/beware-of-pride?lang=eng
and ‘Pride and the
Priesthood’ by Dieter F. Uchtdorf (October 2010 Conference): https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/10/pride-and-the-priesthood?lang=eng
[iv] Elder
Oaks in his talk, ‘The Keys and Authority of the Priesthood’ talks about how
women figure into the priesthood. If we consider sexuality as a
priesthood-authorized function (we are authorized to exercise sexuality with
each other when we are sealed in the temple as husband and wife), this talk is
very relevant to sexuality as well: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/04/the-keys-and-authority-of-the-priesthood?lang=eng
[v] Luke
6:41-42
[vi] “If
things continue to be debilitating, seek the advice of reputable people with
certified training, professional skills, and good values. Be honest with them
about your history and your struggles. Prayerfully and responsibly consider the
counsel they give and the solutions they prescribe. If you had appendicitis,
God would expect you to seek a priesthood blessing and get the best
medical care available. So too with emotional [or sexual] disorders. Our Father
in Heaven expects us to use all of the marvelous gifts He has provided
in this glorious dispensation.” – Holland, Jeffrey R. “Like a Broken Vessel”.
October 2013 Conference: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng&_r=1
[vii] Even
though the book contains some language, Dr. David Schnarch’s book, ‘Passionate
Marriage’ talks at length about the need for working on your weaknesses before
trying to work on your spouse. Doing so is extremely difficult, but ultimately
the only way out of a stagnant, gridlocked relationship. “When you work on
yourself, you’re working on your marriage – because when you change, your
relationship changes.”
[viii] “Among
other things, it appears that some people, particularly women in long-term
marriages, do not experience spontaneous or out-of-the-blue thoughts or
fantasies. However, when they decide to be receptive to their [spouse’s] advances
or initiate sexual contact themselves, not to quell a sexual hunger but for
other, equally valid reasons such as the desire for intimate connection, being
touched in stimulating ways often leads to arousal. Arousal triggers a strong
desire to continue being sexual. Hence, desire follows arousal.” – Michele Weiner-Davis,
‘The Sex-Starved Marriage’. Pg. 29.
