I was listening to some of the
people writing into a recent Mark Gungor podcast, and it was heartbreaking to hear that some people were
bored with “regular sex”, meaning penis-vagina intercourse. I’m amazed at how many people
feel the need to constantly push the boundaries and venture into strange and even pugnacious sexual things with the belief system that ‘vanilla
sex’ is boring
The varieties of sexual
experience mentioned on the show were extreme in nature, and were unlikely to
give any pleasure to a person’s spouse. Imagine how exciting having sex with a
person’s armpit would be, or many of the sadomasochistic practices such as piercing your spouse’s
body with needles or giving each other electric shocks.
Some were downright dangerous,
such as having sex with household appliances. There was an account of one man who
had to be rescued by firefighters when he got his penis stuck in a toaster. How
true this account is, I couldn’t say. But, if you're interested, the article can be found at Huffington Post here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/08/penis-stuck-in-toaster-firefighters_n_4064927.html
Between a husband and wife,
sex moves away from the Law-of-Chastity rules for singles (no sexual
activity with anyone except your spouse) and takes on guidelines that are more in
line with the Word of Wisdom and Doctrine & Covenant 121:36-45. Even in
marriage, we still have a responsibility to protect our body and the body and
mind of our spouse.
As I mentioned, some of these paraphilia
and sexual boundary pushing activities are dangerous. Some get injuries or infections
from engaging in them.
The thing that disturbs me
most is that many of the folks who feel a need to push these sexual boundaries
are saying that “regular sex” is boring. I can’t imagine missionary- style sex
ever getting boring.
A study run by Stuart Brody of the University of Paisley, UK, and Tillmann Krüger of the Swiss Federal Institute of Technology in Zurich[i] set out to prove the
hypothesis that all forms of sexual activity (including penile-vaginal
intercourse, masturbation, and all other forms of non-coital sex) would give
equal sexual satisfaction, as well as improve satisfaction in all areas of
life.
The results of the study showed
that penile-vaginal intercourse corresponded with the highest levels of
satisfaction and highest level of reward chemical releases in the body, not only sexually, but in all other areas of life. Regular
‘vanilla sex’ made everything in life better.
Masturbation resulted in less
satisfaction, both sexually and in all other areas of life, as reported by the
people in the study. It made everything in life worse.
All other forms of non-coital
sex showed some correlation with greater satisfaction, both sexually and
otherwise, but did not compare to standard penile-vaginal ‘vanilla sex’.
Sometimes a desire for
something other than intercourse comes from imprinting on something viewed or
experimented with while single. Pornography (or what I refer to as ‘profane
erotica’) creates this effect as a natural consequence. It leads to harder and harder practices
of sexuality, because when we view it, it requires greater and greater
quantities of stimulus to create the same chemical release in our brains.
If we find ourselves so bored
by “regular sex” that we feel the need to do wilder and crazier things with our
spouse, or want to try something our spouse is hesitant to try, it may be time
to back off sex for a while. Give your body a rest.
The Hebrews of the Old
Testament had a remedy for this – and and you can read about it in the link below.[ii]
The gist of the idea behind their formula is that if you’ve been eating peanut
butter and jelly sandwiches for a while and it’s getting boring, try denying yourself
food entirely for a time. That sandwich is going to
taste pretty good again when you get back to it.
Our sexual desires work the
same. Interestingly enough, our food appetites and sexual appetites originate
from the same part of the brain.[iii]
I’m not saying that it’s not
okay to experiment and try new things once in awhile. It certainly is okay.
However, I get concerned when a
couple reports dissatisfaction with the act of regular intercourse itself. This
is an especial concern when they begin practices that cause harm to their
bodies to intensify the sensations and make sex more “exciting”.
Sexual intercourse can be the reliable base from
which you can venture out into new territory from time to time to add spice and
variety, but good old fashioned marital intercourse shouldn’t be replaced with other practices
exclusively.
Just because you can have sex,
doesn’t mean you have to all the time. Establish a reasonable, healthy schedule
that works for both of you, and ‘run with patience the race set before us’[iv].
There’s no need to feel ashamed
if you enjoy ‘vanilla sex’, or to feel inadequate in some way if you find
yourself going back to it or preferring it. It's not a competition and no one is judging how "great" your sex is as a couple. What you do in the marriage bed is sacred and is to be kept secret from all the world. Scientifically speaking, and
spiritually speaking, "vanilla" is the flavor you’re both going to get the most out of, and if you allow it to develop into "marital intimacy", you've got a super sundae.
[i]Stuart Brody of the University of Paisley, UK, and Tillmann Krüger of the Swiss Federal Institute of Technology in Zurich (Biological Psychology, vol 71, p 312) , http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg18925405.900-sex-with-a-partner-is-400-better.html
[ii] Sam Zaragoza, Ancient Biblical Sex Secret,
https://eternalmarriagebed.blogspot.com/2019/06/ancient-biblical-sex-secret.html
[iii]
Gary Wilson and Marnia Robinson, Adjunct anatomy and physiology faculty at Southern Oregon University https://youtu.be/jpX_mShUmDI
[iv]
Hebrews 12:1
