In working towards the best possible sex in our
relationships, our minds and our past can sometimes work against us.
If you’ve lived any length of time on this earth, chances
are you’ve made a few mistakes in some area or another. Repentance and the
Atonement is a wonderful blessing, and we in the Church are in the best
position to know what to do with these tools.
But repentance doesn’t always remove the consequences of
sin, particularly sexual sin. There are some very specific consequences that can
come back to haunt us in the bedroom.
Premarital sex
We often talk about the repentance process for premarital
sex, and what that involves (asking the Lord for forgiveness, talking to our priesthood
leaders, etc.)
If we are adult converts to the church, these would be
reconciled through the baptismal process and decision to enter the strait and
narrow path.
But how do our current actions affect our future spouses? If
we’re single, this consequence can be easy to overlook – but it can come up at
some point and in different ways, if premarital sex is in our past. Repentance
won’t necessarily change this.
If we joined the Church as an adult, after living in a
worldly way (especially if no one told us this was wrong), there isn’t the same
level of culpability for sin. Maybe the impact on our spouse will be less, yet
our sexual past can still affect us and our spouse.
Are we comparing our spouse to past partners? Fantasizing
about them during sex? Or perhaps our spouse might be doing this? Are we
finding a need to fantasize about or re-enact our first sexual experiences to
get aroused? Are we finding it harder not to flirt or be attracted with those
other than our spouse and find ourselves falling into old habits?
Sexually Transmitted
Disease
This consequence can be hidden – most sexually active people
are not tested for all STDs during the course of a regular doctor’s visit. These
tests must be deliberately sought out. Some tests are more expensive and
therefore skipped in the regular battery of tests during a routine visit. And
those who are unaware can still infect others.
Some STDs are silent, but can leave reproductive system scarring
and damage that can leave you sterile or with dangerous gestation problems,
such as chlamydia or gonorrhea[i]. Even
if you used a condom, you can still get these infections from sexual contact.
Getting infected or infecting our spouse can put a real
damper on sexual relations.
Children from Other Sexual
Partners
If children resulted from premarital sexual encounters, it’s
less likely these days that you won’t know about it. Mothers are required to
list a father’s name, and fathers will be approached for parental support.[ii]
A child that’s adopted away could return later in life,
depending on the determination of the child to find birth parents. This can
lead to uncomfortable discussions if these haven’t already happened.
Trauma
Sometimes, in the cases of rape or sexual/emotional abuse,
we may feel fine about ourselves, and have done everything we can to put our
past behind us. Marriage is a natural growth system however, and trauma or
abuse is like an onion – there can be lots of continuing layers to process throughout
our life, and new situations can bring up another layer.[iii]
Our subconscious is more powerful than our conscious mind.
Our subconscious will also emotionally steer us away from those things it
associates with pain, trauma, danger or discomfort and toward those things it
associates with pleasure. Even if that “pleasure” is the feeling of safety in
moving away from those things it associates with pain.
If a woman was sexually abused and especially if it was
traumatic for her, her subconscious may associate anything sexual with pain.
This can affect having the best possible sex because her brain could be
associating anything you do with her sexually as meaning “pain – stay
away”.
Re-training the subconscious is possible, but it may require
counseling or even hypnosis by a qualified NLP practitioner. These are things that a Bishop is unprepared
for and the atonement can only help with so far – but faith miracles do happen
and are possible.
Not Living the Life
We Dream Of
Perhaps the regret isn’t a sin at all, but something we feel
strongly about doing or trying. Perhaps you’ve always dreamed of some artistic
endeavor, but you feel your spouse wouldn’t be supportive, and you keep that
hidden away inside. Perhaps you want to go back to school, or change careers,
or we’ve always wanted to buy a motorcycle and travel the country. This affects
your spouse as well, and needs to come out.
Who we are as people can change a lot over the course of a
lifetime. We meet new people, try new things, find new fascinations and
desires. If we’re afraid of sharing that with our spouse, something such as
this can also come between us during intimate times. Resentment can shut down
arousal very quickly.
Secrets Divide Us
As I’ve written about previously in my article about secrets[iv],
they don’t help with overcoming past regrets. The repentance process involves
confession – and sometimes it’s not the bishop that needs to hear the
confession. It’s our spouses.
But if we’ve repented, shouldn’t we be able to just forget
about it? Aren’t we supposed to do that?
“I have seen some who have spent a long winter of guilt and spiritual starvation emerge into the morning of forgiveness.When morning came, they learned this:“Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more.””[v] Boyd K Packer (1995)
Many have interpreted this to mean that once we have
repented we should never speak of it again to anyone, not even ourselves, but
they forget that “restitution” is still part of the repentance process. This
includes making restitution with our spouse or future spouse.
The Lord says He will remember our sins no more, but do we totally
forget our sins? Alma defined his own experience further when he says:
“I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed
up by the memory of my sins no more.”[vi]
When we repent, the Lord blesses us with freedom from the
crushing weight of sin and helps our energy return, which we can use for other
purposes. We may go for long periods of time without thinking of them anymore. But
Alma did not totally forget his sins, nor did he never mention them again. In
fact, this scripture was written years and years after the moment of
forgiveness actually happened – he was telling his son what happened to him
after he repented.[vii]
There’s a good reason to remember past sins or regrets – to
learn from them, and avoid future mistakes, and to teach others to do the same.
What If…
So what if we find ourselves in a situation where past regrets
are coming between our spouse and us in the bedroom? How can we obtain the best
possible sex?
Feel the fear, and…
If we think we can bury a part of ourselves or our history
and our spouse will never find out, we are only kidding ourselves. To try and
do so is to subject ourselves to a shallow relationship that won’t progress or
satisfy either party.
Obtaining the best possible sex requires complete and
full fidelity. It requires being intimately connected on the deepest level and
having the kind of complete trust that allows us to feel safe to open and
abandon ourselves to our spouses completely. This is what it means to be
“one”. We can’t do or have this if we
are holding things back from each other. If we are always afraid of our spouse
“finding out.”
As I talk about in my
article “The 4 Marriage Killers – Secrets” there is a difference between
keeping a confidence and keeping a secret. I’m not talking about not telling
your spouse what their birthday present is, because eventually that will be
revealed anyway. I’m referring to those intimate items that keep our spouse
from knowing and supporting us completely.
Talking out such things is a necessary component of
intimacy. If that feels too scary, why is that? What are we afraid will happen?
We may wish to talk to someone else first – a discreet family member or friend,
a bishop, or a counselor or coach to warm up for the real thing, but eventually
our spouse will have to know.
Think about the secret from our spouse’s point of view. How
would we feel if our spouse was hiding something for fear of our reaction? How
would you feel if you found out your perception of your relationship was all
wrong? When a spouse feels they’re not getting the whole story, it can cause
great anxiety and distress. Sometimes a secret, even a painful one, feels
better to know than not.
Is it possible our spouse might do something drastic, like
leave us? It depends on our spouse and the nature of the issue. And, if this is
truly a concern, your marriage has deeper issues that will not survive the test
of eternity unless they are addressed anyway. Anything is possible, but kindly
speaking the truth will go a long way towards improving the odds that all
levels of intimacy will increase.
If our current spouse does decide to leave, then becoming a
person who speaks the truth and is honest with everyone, even in the painful
things, will give you the greatest chance of creating another relationship with
a better chance of survival.
A Dam holds things back. Holding things back from your
spouse damns your relationship. Having the trust to confide in your spouse
everything not only allows your relationship to progress, but enables the best
possible sex and isn’t that what we all want?
We want a marriage where we help each other progress, not
continuously damn each other.
Love thy neighbor
as…who?
Perhaps our regrets may not involve others as much as it
involves personal embarrassment or disappointment in some way. Sometimes the
only cure for this is patience and time:
“Often the most difficult part of repentance is to forgive yourself. Discouragement is part of that test. Do not give up. That brilliant morning will come.Then “the peace of God, which passeth … understanding” comes into your life once again. …How will you know? You will know!”[viii] ~ Boyd K Packer (1995)
Join
us next time as we discuss how infidelity affects the best possible sex.
[iii] Some
good general counsel in this regard comes from Duncan, Kevin R. “The Healing
Ointment of Forgiveness.” Ensign. April 2016. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/general-conference/2016/04/the-healing-ointment-of-forgiveness?lang=eng
[iv] Link to
secrets blog here
[v] Packer,
Boyd K. “The Brilliant Morning of Forgiveness”. Ensign. Nov 1995. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/ensign/1995/11/the-brilliant-morning-of-forgiveness.p1?lang=eng
[vi] Ibid.
Underlining added for emphasis.
[vii] Alma
36: 19-20 – counsel given to Alma’s son Helaman, who may not even have been
born yet at the time Alma saw the angel and repented of his sins
[viii]
Packer, Boyd K. “The Brilliant Morning of Forgiveness.” Ensign. Nov 1995. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/ensign/1995/11/the-brilliant-morning-of-forgiveness.p1?lang=eng#footnote8-95911_000_010
