Dr. John Gottman said
"the simple truth is that happy marriages are based on deep friendship. By
this I mean a mutual respect for each other's company, plus an intimate
knowledge of each other's quirks, likes and dislikes."
His finding is that
disagreements and heated debates are not a sign of a bad marriage (unless, of
course, it becomes physical abuse). Because while all couples argue, it is the
spouses who are friends first who have the advantage." (Chatterjee, 1999, 1)
[1]
This week, ask each
other "Do you feel like I'm your friend? What is it that I do that makes
you feel like I'm your friend? What do you believe a good or best friend
does/behaves like?"
Recently in my studies
I've been learning about bondage and sadomasochism. My goal was to try and understand
why people are drawn to this practice. I'm not talking about gentle foreplay
games such as blind-folding your spouse and/or tying them to the bed while
teasing them. I'm referring to those practices involving paraphilia (sexual
practices outside the socially acceptable norms or moral guidelines) that would
torture and inflict pain.
What I learned is that
these two practices are a counterfeit created by the Adversary for those who
cannot hope - in their secular state - to obtain the type of intimacy I
describe above; the sweet peaceful spirit and bonding that only comes from
entering into sexuality the Lord's way.
Instead of
obtaining the full physical, emotional, and spiritual sexual experience, those
who try to ‘enter the gate’ some other way find they only have the physical to
work with. S&M is a way of experiencing the sexual by dangerously
heightening the pleasure and pain combination.
A forced high is
obtained by torturing the body and tricking the body into releasing chemicals
inherent in its own desire for self-preservation. In some cases, the
practitioner even brings the body dangerously close to death.
There is a wholesome
alternative that can bring its own intensity, and that way is through truly living
the gospel and being a friend to your spouse. The deeper the friendship, the
deeper the trust. The deeper the trust, the more a spouse feels safe to allow
themselves to be vulnerable and abandon themselves fully to what they could be
experiencing in the sacred sexual relationship. This can only be realized
through entering into the full mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual
commitment only found in marriage.
Those who cohabitate or
try to obtain this level of sexual intimacy through promiscuity or
extremes in sexual practices cannot hope to obtain it. This is because it
requires the presence of the Holy Ghost and the peace that comes with him. [2]
Without living the
gospel, spiritual gifts are just not available. [3] Because of this, all that
is left to those who choose otherwise are the physical aspects of sexuality.
Those in marriage that
reach the deepest levels of sexual fulfillment and obtain the most satisfying,
even explosive long-term sexual experiences are friends. Not just friendly, but
deeply committed, “I can trust you with anything” best friends.
It's designed
purposefully that way by God. Just as revelation and peace can’t be stolen by
lying our way into the temple, the deep sexual experiences from being in a
committed married relationship (coupled with friendship and trust) can't be
replicated outside of these conditions.
If you would like additional information, feel free to contact me at samzaragoza@sbcglobal.net.
References:
2.Chatterjee, Camille, The Science of a Good Marriage, Psychology Today, 1999, https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/199909/the-science-good-marriage
3. Oakes, Dallin H., Spirtual Gifts, 1986,1, https://www.lds.org/ensign/1986/09/spiritual-gifts?lang=eng
