A reader writes in this week:
Dear Coach Sam,
Is it lusting to desire my spouse sexually? I read these
blogs that talk about the dangers of lust, and I’m wondering…What’s the
difference between the lust the scriptures warn about and my ‘lusting’ after my
spouse? Am I displeasing the Lord somehow?
Unsure Husband
Dear Husband,
That’s a valid question to consider. Is it good to feel
lustful for our spouse in an LDS marriage?
I have yet to find a positive context in the scriptures for
the word ‘lust’. But we do have to look at it in the context that it was given.
For example, Christ said, “He that looketh upon a woman to
lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.”[i]
Since it’s impossible to commit adultery with someone we’re
married to, that gives us our first indication that lust doesn’t quite apply to
our sexual desires for our spouse.
We know from Romans 7:7 that lust is a related sin to
coveting, which Bruce R. McConkie defines as ‘an eager, extreme and ungodly
desire for something’[ii]:
“What shall we say then? Is
the law sin? God forbid. Nay, I had not known sin, but by the law: for I had not known lust, except the law had
said, Thou shalt not covet.”
However, Paul also shows us there is also a righteous context
for coveting – if we covet the things of righteousness.
“…covet earnestly the best gifts…”[iii]
If there’s a righteous context for coveting, is it possible
that there’s a righteous context for lusting as well? Well…sort of.
There may be some who would consider sexual desires and
activity in marriage to be lustful. It may look or sound or feel the same as
lust. But when the focus of our desire is our spouse – that is no longer “lust”
but instead true love.
When sexual desire is combined with covenants and
commitment, it leaves the profane; carnal, worldly realm of lust, and enters the
sacred, holy and God-blessed realm of love.[iv]
Faithfulness and fidelity, and exercising those desires in
marriage, is not lust.
Lust is the unbridled rebellion against commitment, loyalty
and love, by allowing our hearts to wander outside of or away from our present
or future marriage relationship. It is instead coveting something God has not
licensed us to take.
We can still lust in marriage if we choose – by viewing profane
erotica materials, or by fantasizing about people other than our spouse – and if
we do find ourselves getting into the habit of doing these things, we do have need
to go to the Lord with humility and realign our lives with that of God the
Father and His Son Jesus Christ.
However, if we feel attraction and powerful sexual desire
towards our spouses, there is no shame in that. This is Love. It is Eros, or
romantic love. It’s Storge or the committed kind of love. This is not lust.
Lust does not bring joy and progression and eternal increase.[v]
[i] Matthew
5:28
[ii]
McConkie, Bruce R. Mormon Doctrine. Bookcraft. 1 Apr 1958. See ‘Covetousness’,
page 168.
[iii] 1
Corinthians 12:31
[iv] “Someone
said once that true love must include the idea of permanence. True love
endures. But lust changes as quickly as it can turn a pornographic page or
glance at yet another potential object for gratification walking by, male or
female.” – Jeffrey R. Holland, “Place No More for the Enemy of My Soul”. April
2010 General Conference. https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/04/place-no-more-for-the-enemy-of-my-soul?lang=eng
[v] “There
is a great difference between love and lust. Pure love yields happiness and
engenders trust. It is the foundation of eternal joy. Lust will destroy that
which is enriching and beautiful. A husband must have no private, hidden agenda
that is kept secret from his wife. Sharing everything about each other’s
personal life is powerful spiritual insurance. When you travel, take along a
picture of your wife. Set it before you. Remember how you are loved and
trusted. You will not be tempted to contaminate your mind or violate your
covenants.” – Richard G. Scott, The Sanctity of Womanhood. April 2000 General
Conference. https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2000/04/the-sanctity-of-womanhood?lang=eng
