“How do I know if I married my soul-mate?” “Did I marry the right person?” “If he/she is attracted to another person, does that mean I’m not the right one or they never really loved me?”
Are you familiar with these phrases romanticized for decades by our pop culture through song lyrics, poetry, movie and play dialogues?
- I only have eyes for you
- You are my one and only
- I won't marry until I find my soul mate
- I could never love another man/woman
- I don't want anyone else
- I want to be loved by you and nobody else but you
- When he/she looks at me, he/she makes me feel like I'm the only man/woman in the room
- You are every woman in the world to me
- It's too good to be true, nothing better than you In my wildest dreams
- ...and so on...
President Spencer W. Kimball in a 1977 address at BYU said:
“’Soul-mates’ are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price.”[i]
Whether or not the right person is married, we are
counseled that it’s more important to be the right person. In the end,
were not going to be judged for how our spouse treated us, but for how we acted
and reacted to our spouse and what effort we put into ensuring the success of
our marriage.
The idea that one person can save a marriage
single-handedly can be hazardous. For a marriage to be successful, happy, joyful, and
one you wouldn’t mind being part of for all eternity, does require the
consistent effort of both to be successful.
In the same talk, President Kimball also said “The selection
before courting and then the continued courting after the marriage process are
equally important, but not more important than the marriage itself, the success
of which depends upon the two individuals—not upon one, but upon two.”
President Gordon B. Hinckley gave this counsel on how we can
be the right spouse to our eternal companion:
“Be worthy of the mate you choose. Respect him or her. Give encouragement to him or her. Love your companion with all your heart. This will be the most important decision of y our life, the individual whom you marry…A good marriage requires time. It requires effort. You have to work at it. You have to cultivate it. You have to forgive and forget. You have to be absolutely loyal one to another.”[ii]
But what if your spouse is attracted to another person after
you are married? Does that mean they never loved you?
There seems to be this idea that when a man or woman commits
to a marriage or kneels at the altar, somehow a switch that flips on in a
person’s brain that makes them incapable of being attracted to another living
person – and, if this switch didn’t turn on then that person never “truly”
loved you in the first place.
This is utter romantic nonsense. It is a fantastical fallacy
concocted by romance novels, movies and television.
We are sexual beings. Our bodies are designed to procreate.
As demonstrated by anthropologist Helen Fisher[iii]
from the ends of our hair to the tips of our toes, our bodies are designed to
detect (even on a very unconscious level) if a person is healthy, a good
genetic match to create children with, and whether or not that person is ready
to mate.
Elder Boyd K. Packer said:
“As the procreative power matures in early manhood and womanhood there occurs, in a natural way, very personal feelings unlike any other physical experience. It is not without meaning that the process through which life is conceived should be accompanied by feelings of such depth and attraction that they draw the individual to seek a repetition of them.”[iv]
Those sexual mechanisms (which are designed to work with
greater precision than the most finely tuned Swiss watch) are what drew your
spouse to you and helped in their decision to marry you. Those mechanisms never
turn off and are always alert to the signals and pheromones given off by the
thousands of others that would also be a good genetic match.
Give each other some credit as each day, even each moment,
when those powerful sexual mechanisms are activated, you can know that your
spouse loves you because they constantly choose you again over other compatible
mates.
Should one of you pass away, such feelings will enable the
living spouse to find another marriage partner. And, as Elder Packer mentioned
above, it is those powerful drives that keep them coming back to you.
If those drives were easy to handle, we wouldn’t need to be
commanded and constantly reminded to live the law of chastity, avoid profane
erotica, to not fornicate, and to not commit adultery.
Conversely, we are constantly reminded to turn those
powerful feelings toward each other…to continually court each other in order to
ensure those feelings for each other are always nourished and never die.
A loving, loyal, committed eternal marriage is a journey,
not a destination. It’s a step taken into eternity, every single day of our
lives.
[i]
Kimball, President Spencer W., Oneness In Marriage, Mar 1977 Ensign
[ii]
Hinckley, President Gordon B. , Life’s
Obligations, Ensign, Feb. 1999
[iii]
Dr. Helen Fisher, The Science of Sex Appeal, 2009, Incubator, Discovery Channel
[iv]
Packer, Elder Boyd K., The Fountain Of Life, Things Of The Soul, pg. 105-17
