In case you missed them each is a link to the other Best Possible Sex articles: Contention; Profane Erotica; Anger; Unkind Words or Actions; Lack of Appreciation; Past Regrets; Infidelity; Lack of Intimacy; Loss of the Spirit; Jealousy.
Prevalent
beliefs in the world
My wife had a new member of the Church approach her online
last week with a bit of a faith crisis.
Among other things, this person said:
“…a friend said mormon men are domineering and
abusive so I better not marry a member of the church
That women are viewed as property "sigh,…”
A Smaller Indication of a Larger Issue
This young woman is not alone in her concerns; neither are LDS men the only targets.
The world at times seems to want to separate along battle
lines, one of which is a gender line. One camp blames many problems of society
and history on men and determines that women are the more reasonable thinkers
and leaders, while the other side accuses women of legal over correction,
manipulation, and marginalizing the value of men; that women are not to be
trusted and can be lived without.
Why is this happening?
Why is this happening?
It’s not my purpose here to tell people what to believe politically
on controversial topics, or that they should believe the same as I do. However,
I do want people to be aware that they have
beliefs, and that they should know what those beliefs are. These beliefs may
not necessarily reflect our professed religious beliefs.
Sometimes these beliefs hide – beliefs that are programmed
into us by our society, media, or educational system – and these hidden beliefs
can create a ‘mist of darkness’[i] in our
thinking and influence our actions and reactions to others.
Can these cultural gender beliefs interfere with the
possibility of having the best possible sex in marriage?
Marriage and Gender
Beliefs in Conflict
“There may be times when we have been hurt, when we are tired, and when our lives seem dark and cold. There may be times when we cannot see any light on the horizon, and we may feel like giving up. If we are willing to believe, if we desire to believe, if we choose to believe, then the Savior’s teachings and example will show us the pathway forward. ~ L. Whitney Clayton”[ii]
All human beings believe in something, but what will that
something be?[iii]
If we don’t deliberately choose to see life through a gospel
lens, the world will create the lens we look through, and our experiences
through that lens will reinforce whatever beliefs we already have.
If we believe that men regularly oppress women without
consequence in all sorts of large and small ways, and that women should lead
the way in all aspects of society, then our experiences through that lens tend
to reinforce that belief.
If we surround ourselves with people who hold that same belief, there will be ‘proof’ as well as peer reinforcement, and we are convinced we see the ‘truth’. The truth is, such people have grown gynocentric, or female-superior.[iv]
However, what about others who hold very different beliefs?
Are they wrong, or are they right?
If we hold this belief (those of the MGTOW or ‘men-going-their-own-way’ movement are on the extreme side of this), we will likewise see ‘proof’ of untrustworthy women everywhere, and if we surround ourselves with like-minded peers, there’s a good chance that belief will be regularly reinforced and supported as the ‘truth’. Such androcentric (male-superior) ideas are not gospel-based either.
Everyone chooses beliefs, purposefully or by default, and again,
I am not here to debate the merits or drawbacks of either side. However, I can
say without hesitation that a MGTOW man and a radically feminist woman, if they
somehow end up married to each other, are unlikely to have very good sex.
Beliefs Can Bring
Couples Together or Drive a Wedge Between Them
When our beliefs are not in line with gospel doctrine, there
can be enmity and defensiveness in our marriage. There may be conflict and
contention over tiny points. It’s harder to forgive and trust one another, and
we may be tempted to ‘keep score’ of our grievances. If we insist that our way
of seeing things is always the right way, we can find ourselves suffering from
a condition called ‘emotional fusion’ in our marriage. [vi]“My dear brothers and sisters, there are hidden wedges in the lives of many whom we know—yes, perhaps in our own families…. ~ Thomas S. Monson”[v]
When we have emotional fusion, we can’t get close to each
other. There’s always something in the way, and it’s the other person’s fault,
not ours. The very word ‘enmity’ means ‘to push apart’. Eventually, we can’t
talk about anything without contention, and intimacy gets lost. People who are
deeply fused can feel as if the only answer is to escape the relationship
entirely, but this is no real solution.[vii]
Worldly laws regarding interactions of the sexes get drawn
tighter and tighter each year, out of fear of manipulation or abuse. If we
follow this same worldly pattern in our marriages, we run the risk of choking
intimacy to death. This is the Adversary’s plan, to drive men and women apart
and make them miserable.
It doesn’t have to be this way. The Lord never intended this
for His children.
God’s
Perception of Gender Differences
“And now, if there are faults they are the mistakes of men; wherefore, condemn not the things of God, that ye may be found spotless at the judgment-seat of Christ.”[viii]
So how does the Lord feel about men and women’s differences?[ix]
He celebrates this difference. He made us different with a
purpose. He made us for each other, and we can’t be saved without each other. I
believe this is most strongly expressed in the Proclamation to the World on the
Family.[x]
He didn’t make us different or establish gender roles in his
church and kingdom so one would be superior to the other, but so that we could
complement each other and use our strengths and the strengths of others to
accomplish His eternal purposes.[xi]
One day, there will be no politics. There will be no factions, courtrooms,
corporate ladders, paychecks, or temporal laws. There will only be the Lord’s
order, government and process of doing things.
If the roles established in the Proclamation accomplish His
purposes, then it is up to us to evaluate often how we stand against that
ideal.
It might be difficult, or even feel dangerous, to let go of
the world’s ideas. It might leave us feeling vulnerable and afraid, not knowing
how the other sex will respond.[xii]
However, there are blessings for relying on the Lord,
instead of relying on man. One very great blessing for respecting, supporting
and honoring each other’s respective gender differences and roles is a
development of trust. Trust enables us to drop our guard and express vulnerability
and openness with our spouse. This type of trust and vulnerability creates the
type of intimacy that make the best possible sex a reality.
Hard
Work + Gospel Beliefs = Greater Intimacy
In sex, as in any other activity, we can learn to work it
out together, despite our differences. We can be gentle and forgiving with each
other despite the constant temptation to force each other to our way of
thinking. We can feel safe to respect each other. We can have faith in the
Lord, and make the conscious choice to follow Him. To reach the best possible
sex we can have, we must try.
There is nothing about this process where we will not
struggle. Even good men and good women can have it rough at times.
It’s hard to learn about someone so different than
ourselves, and to have the humility to accept that they might be right about
things as well, and trust them.
It’s hard to stand up for our own viewpoint when we feel
it’s critical to do so, when it would be easier to just agree and go along.
It’s hard to break old relationships that don’t suit our
needs, and build new ones that do.
It’s hard to look for gratitude, and forgive when you feel
so angry and misunderstood.
It’s hard to let your spouse fail sometimes, when they need
space to fail and learn, especially when their failure affects us so directly.
Doesn’t the Savior also do that for us?
He is constantly waiting with arms outstretched to help us.
One of the purposes of marriage is it forces us to look at
the worst parts of ourselves and to either correct them or let them destroy us.
Every step we take forward to overcome those gender prejudices only brings us
closer to the best possible sex with our spouse. The Atonement of Jesus Christ applies here
too. You can ask God for understanding. Ask Him to help you forgive when you
need help, and for patience with the process. In this respect, marriage helps
us become more like Christ, and saviors to each other.
Is the
best possible sex worth all this?
Buying into the idea that men and women don’t need each
other is not conducive to intimacy. Trying to get the other gender to submit to
our ideas and our ways of doing and thinking devalues both of us. God’s plan
for marriage is a plan of developing selflessness and appreciation of each
other’s strengths.
The following are some suggestions a couple can implement,
perhaps as part of date nights with each other:
·
Read Doctrine and Covenants
121, with the idea that it applies equally to both men and women (while women
do not hold priesthood office, they do have priesthood authority, especially
when endowed and married.)
·
Consider our own gender beliefs,
and whether we may think or feel that our spouse is somehow ‘unequal’ with us
in any capacity. Then consider what the gospel has said about such things and see
if our beliefs are in line with these.[xiii]
·
Consider the questions, “Where
does our spouse contribute? Where do I contribute in the relationship? Where
can each of us do better? How can I show more appreciation for what my spouse
does?”
·
Discuss any fears you may
have with your spouse, or anything that may keep you from having full trust in
your spouse. How can those fears be overcome? Be careful not to lay blame in
this process, but to instead look to yourself to provide answers. Blaming
spouse for anything creates emotional fusion. Christ told us to ‘remove the
mote in our own eye first’[xiv]
– in other words, be proactive in finding solutions rather than pointing
fingers.
·
Think about whether both of us are getting what
we need in the relationship – and how those needs may be different. There’s no
specific guideline that can be given in this respect, because every
relationship is unique. What we can do is ask each other, “On a scale of 1-10,
how am I doing as your husband/wife? What can I do this week to improve my
score? If I got a 6, what can I do to become a 7, etc.? Can you identify
anything specific that is affecting your emotional trust in me?”
These sorts of discussions will help to eliminate barriers
between a husband and wife that prevent us from experiencing the type of trust
and intimacy that enables the best possible sex.
[i]
See 1 Nephi 12:17
[ii]
Clayton, L. Whitney. Choose to Believe. April 2015 GC: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/general-conference/2015/04/choose-to-believe?lang=eng
[iii]
Morin, Amy. “3 Ways Your Childhood Shapes the Core Beliefs You Hold Onto”.
Psychology Today. 4 Sep 2017: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201709/3-ways-your-childhood-shaped-the-core-beliefs-you
[iv]
This talk by Elder Bednar provides an excellent metaphor for how we become what
we choose to ‘pickle’ ourselves in: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/general-conference/2007/04/ye-must-be-born-again?lang=eng
[v]
Monson, Thomas S. Hidden Wedges. Apr 2002 GC: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/general-conference/2002/04/hidden-wedges?lang=eng
[vi]
Schnarch, David, Ph.D. Passionate Marriage. Henry Holt & Co. 1997. See page
47 for the discussion on the sexual crucible of marriage.
[vii]
“Spouses who hope that divorce will resolve conflicts often find that it
aggravates them, since the complexities that follow divorce—especially where
there are children—generate new conflicts.” – Oaks, Dallin H. “Divorce”. April
2007 General Conference: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/ensign/2007/05/divorce?lang=eng
Also, “…the escapist never escapes. If two people,
selfish and self-centered, and without the spirit of forgiveness, escape from
each other, they cannot escape from themselves. The disease is not cured by the
separation or the divorce, and it will most assuredly follow along in the wake
of future marriages.” – Spencer W. Kimball in the Miracle of Forgiveness, pg.
270-271.
Also, see The Four Marriage Killers – Selfishness: http://eternalmarriagebed.blogspot.com/2011/10/four-marriage-killers-selfishness.html
[viii]
Book of Mormon, title page
[ix]
For a great source on this question, the Eternal Marriage Student Manual has
two sections entitled ‘Differences Inherent Between Men and Women’: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/manual/eternal-marriage-student-manual/differences-inherent-between-men-and-women?lang=eng
and ‘Equality of
Men and Women’:https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/manual/eternal-marriage-student-manual/equality-of-men-and-women?lang=eng
[x]
“Nevertheless, neither is the man without the woman, nor the woman without the
man, in the Lord…” – 1 Corinthians 11:11
[xi]
Proclamation to the World on the Family
[xii] “…there
is one kind of latter-day destruction that has always sounded to me more
personal than public, more individual than collective—a warning, perhaps more
applicable inside the Church than outside it. The Savior warned that in the
last days even those of the covenant, the very elect, could be deceived by the
enemy of truth.1
If we think of this as a form of spiritual destruction, it may cast light on
another latter-day prophecy. Think of the heart as the figurative center of our
faith, the poetic location of our loyalties and our values; then consider
Jesus’s declaration that in the last days “men’s hearts [shall fail] them.”
The encouraging thing, of course, is that our Father in Heaven knows all of these latter-day dangers, these troubles of the heart and soul, and has given counsel and protections regarding them.” – Holland, Jeffrey R. “Safety for the Soul”. October 2009 General Conference: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/general-conference/2009/10/safety-for-the-soul?lang=eng
The encouraging thing, of course, is that our Father in Heaven knows all of these latter-day dangers, these troubles of the heart and soul, and has given counsel and protections regarding them.” – Holland, Jeffrey R. “Safety for the Soul”. October 2009 General Conference: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/general-conference/2009/10/safety-for-the-soul?lang=eng
[xiii]
See reference ix
[xiv]
Matthew 7:5, JST
