There are a lot of articles and therapists out there talking
about how wives are feeling devastated and betrayed by their husbands looking
at “porn”. A primary reason that I’m
hearing about why they feel betrayed seems to be because they are worried about
their husband comparing them to the women in porn.
This line of thinking I feel may be somewhat off-course and
may end leading couples to run around in circles when trying to deal with a
challenge of profane erotica in their relationship. I would like to share a
different perspective on this that may help.
What Wives Imagine…
Why do women feel threatened when their husband looks at profane
erotic materials? One therapist I listened to shared a client’s description of her
husband’s experience with “porn”. The client described what she visualized as
glossy, airbrushed, salacious images of naked - or even half naked - supermodels
with large breasts. However anecdotal, I couldn’t help but take note of this
being yet another stereotypical definition of the term “porn”.
What if we Eliminate “Attractive”?
If wives feel threatened by these over-glamourized creatures,
then the logical alternative would be for husbands and wives to seek out
profane erotic materials made with ‘ordinary’ or ‘less attractive’ woman instead,
so the wives wouldn’t feel so threatened, right?
In a husband’s focused mind, he may feel that it would be
less threatening to his wife if the erotic materials he views are of women less
physically attractive than her and may make this compromise to ‘fix the problem’.
Yet, we know intuitively (from a gospel perspective) this
would also be wrong. So ‘attractiveness’ is a slippery factor to use for
consideration of why it shouldn’t be viewed. It’s not the attractiveness of the
women (necessarily) that draws him to look at the sex acts.
It’s the Comfort of
the Vagina…And the Goal of Orgasm
Even historical luminaries such as Benjamin Franklin
expressed this same paradigm in a letter to a friend[i] –
and here, to me, is the real answer to why men look at profane erotica. If we
want to understand why, we must understand this key to a man’s thinking.
This is another reason that convinces me the term “porn” or “pornography”
is a terminological trap. Profane erotica is so much more than naked
supermodels. Profane erotica is (by pornographers’ own admission) designed to
shock to viewer. The more shocking, the better it sells.
Thus, there is profane erotica today that depicts obese
people having sex, elderly couples having sex, average-looking married couples
having sex in very slow, sensual and non-violent ways, handicapped people
having sex, pox scarred and flabby women engaging in bondage, and yes, even attractive
women and men engaging in sex.
It doesn’t matter what form it takes – all of it defiles the
sacredness of the beautiful, God-created sexuality of men and women.
If the “porn” husbands are drawn to isn’t all about naked
super-models bouncing their voluptuous bodies around and giving perpetually
aroused come-hither looks, then what is it that really draws men to profane
erotica?
The Answer is…Efficiency
Most men are designed to be efficient. Our brains are
compartmentalized. We can open a task box in our heads, get into it, stay in
it, and prefer to focus on just that task until it’s done. We don’t like to
jump around in our heads from task to task or unrelated idea to unrelated idea
– we will if we must – but it is not natural for us to do so and makes us even
more inefficient.
Most men tend toward
very linear thinking. We look for the shortest and most efficient route to get
to the goal. We produce millions of sperm constantly and can have sex multiple
times because even our bodies are designed to be efficient. And when we reach
our efficient ejaculation goal, our bodies reward us with a powerful euphoria-inducing
mix of endorphins.
When “in the mood”, men are oriented (from a strictly
physically fragmented standpoint) to look for the most efficient way to reach
that goal. Get in the vagina, ejaculate, get the orgasm - so they can clear their
mind and savor the orgasm. And the way to get the most out of an orgasm, is to
have the full experience is with a soft, warm, comforting woman.
If a man’s only experience and knowledge of sex is what he
experiences with profane erotica, he enters a relationship with the paradigm
that women must feel the same way about sex as he does – or as the girl’s
character in the film are being portrayed. In addition, everything in the film
is focused on the woman’s vulva or anus or mouth – because THAT is the GOAL.
Women tend to not feel the same way. They are not largely
“goal and efficiency” oriented. They are relationship-oriented. Sex is not so
much about the physical act, as it is about intimacy and relationship.
When these two paradigms come together in the bedroom, they
usually bump heads.
As sex therapist Laura Brotherson teaches, this is a good
thing. If men and women both had the same testosterone levels and libido as
men, nothing would get done. They’d be having sex all the time. That is
anecdotal, of course, and while we’re speaking in broad stereotypes here, men
are perfectly capable of exercising restraint and functioning with the drive
they have, as men also like to eat and sleep. Men, having the drive they do is good, because
otherwise the sex could die out altogether.
Men would lose interest in doing and in courting the wife,
because the goal is gone and it’s just not efficient. In fact, when men get low
testosterone, this is exactly what happens…he loses interest in sex.
The great irony of the situation is, to maintain efficiency
in relationships, we must be inefficient.
Inefficiency =
Efficiency
Profane erotica is a GREAT and VERY efficient way to get men
into their sex box, stir up their libido and get them from zero-to-sixty ready
for sex in no time. Therefore men are attracted to it. They love that feeling
of virility and the desire for the endorphin goal. They may even convince
themselves that it is good for their marriage, because it keeps the sex alive.
There are even secular sex therapists who prescribe the couple watching profane
erotica together for this very reason – it’s a very efficient way to “spice
things up” and get one or the other or both in the mood for sex very quickly.
The problem is, women are not efficient and the two bump
heads with profane erotica, because it creates the delusion in men that they
can also get their wife quickly aroused in no time also. When he tries, it may
just turn her off – which in turn leaves him sexually frustrated. This in turn
has led him to just “take care of himself” through masturbation, eventually an
affair, or just resign himself to living in a sexless marriage.
Profane Erotica Is
Efficient, But We Can’t Be Efficient with Our Wives
It is in this way that profane erotica makes us men terrible
lovers. This is a major reason it has no place in our lives and especially no
use in our marriages.
Fortunately, we husbands don’t give up, because we like our
sex and will do whatever is necessary – even change our paradigm about how to
reach the goal of good sex if someone will just show us how.
Women also like sex, but they must be warmed up first and
this takes time.
“President Howard W. Hunter advised: ‘Be faithful in your
marriage covenants in thought, word, and deed. [Profane erotica], flirtations,
and unwholesome fantasies erode one’s character and strike at the foundation of
a happy marriage. Unity and trust within a marriage are thereby destroyed’ “[ii]
Understanding the
Line and the Circle
So how do we warm a woman up? First, we must understand how she is
different.
Rabbi Shmuley Boteach taught[iii]:
“Men are lines and women are circles. The truth is that anatomically, it’s what
separates men and women, this is not an arbitrary metaphor,
it reflects our very bodies. Men are lines, and women are circles.
Men have a very linear approach to life. Women have a very
cyclical approach to life…
I mean, isn’t the whole reason that women get so frustrated
with men is that men are so linear, that in bed, they’re a bunch of lines. This
isn’t about love or connection. This is a rush to the finish line…
…, the only way to get men and
women together is by re-understanding what sex is all about…”
Beverly Whipple of Rutgers
University also found comparing men and women to lines and circles appropriate
in helping us understand our different sexual and intimate needs as males and
females:[iv]
“Women can differ from men in
many ways. One is that women have a variety of sexual responses. Men may also,
but men get into this linear model of only one way to respond and that’s what
they get used to.
They also equate orgasm with
ejaculation, which is not so, they’re two different phenomenones. When I talk
to couples about sensuality and sexuality, I show two different ways that
people respond – in terms of their sexual experiences.
One, is goal directed. I use the
analogy of a stair case where each step leads to the next step: Touch, Kiss,
Caress, Vagina, Penis, Contact, top step = Orgasm.
These are people who are goal
directed. There are also people who are pleasure directed.
Here, I use the analogy of a
circle where any activity on the perimeter of the circle can be an end in and
of itself and I have added question marks where people can add what they like…
One is pleasure-directed and one
is goal-directed, and then you look at the stereotypes we have of men and
women. Most men are goal-directed, looking for the end point of the goal –
orgasm. Most women are pleasure-directed. Many people are comfortable holding
hands, cuddling, there’s many ways that they have sensual and sexual pleasure.
So then you have to look at a
relationship and see if one person is goal-directed, one person is pleasure-directed.
Are they aware of this? Do they communicate this to their [spouse]? So I think that we know that most men are
linear and goal-directed, and most women are more circular.”
With men being linear, entertaining
profane erotica exacerbates this natural tendency to be goal-oriented. Removing
it from our lives enables us as men to be more conscientious that other people
see and feel and respond to things differently than we do.
There may not be a quick fix or
quick turn on anymore when we remove profane erotica, but it appears most of
our wives won’t mind. Men sometimes need warming up too, and while quickies are
not out of the question, they should not be the normal fare.
Are Both of You Getting ‘Your’ Sex?
If we men efficiently go after
our sex as the normal fare, our wives get hung out to dry. Where’s their sex? Where
are the things the husband did that made her fall in love in the first place? After
a while, they will start to resent us, and may not even know why.
Men, do you take the time to learn
what her “sex” is? It may not be like yours. Chances are very good that it isn’t,
but it doesn’t make your ‘sex’ wrong. Just different.
What affection is she wishing she
got more of? Does she really want to
have an orgasm every time or is she okay giving you your sexual release if it
involves some touching and talking and other expressions of affection as
Beverly Whipple mentions above?
At the altar of marital intimacy,
sex should always be something that brings you closer together and never
something that becomes a reason to push you apart.
Pushing you apart is Satan’s
plan, not the Lord’s.
Laura M. Brotherson also presents
another helpful formula to assist husbands in understanding their wives’ arousal
cycle, and what it really takes to get her from zero to sixty. Here is the link to her lecture. I recommend
starting at 27:00 - https://youtu.be/bUQ0Fv_KGb4
For the same purpose, I also
recommend her books And They Were Not Ashamed as well as Knowing Her
Intimately.
[i]
Franklin, Benjamin. “Advice to a Young Man on the Choice of a Mistress”,
(1745). https://www.swarthmore.edu/SocSci/bdorsey1/41docs/51-fra.html
[ii] Hunter,
Howard W., Conference Repot, Oct. 1994, 67; or Ensign, Nov. 1994,50
[iii]
Boteach, Rabbi Shmuley, Kosher Sex, Fisher Brothers Media, 2006
[iv] Whipple,
Beverly, Rutgers University, Men Are Lines, Women Are Circles, Big Think, 2012,
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22BvgteaUgE
