I came across an article by Dave Willis this week and was impressed by this
statement:
But the kisses of an enemy are deceitful because they serve a hidden agenda.” Proverbs 27:6
A true friend will tell you a difficult truth. Someone who has an agenda will tell you what you want to hear.
I’ll never forget the story of my Aunt Jan, [who] decided to leave her husband after a year of marriage. She showed up on her mom’s doorstep with her suitcase and told her mom she was getting a divorce because she had married the wrong person and didn’t want to be with him anymore.
Her mom lovingly told her to go home to her husband and that she wasn’t welcome in her home until she went home and worked on her marriage. Aunt Jan was shocked, but it was the wakeup call she needed.
She went home to my Uncle John and they remained married and in love for fifty years until his death a couple years ago. Sometimes, real love requires us to speak difficult truth instead of just supporting someone’s bad choices.[i]
What feels like a nurturing virtue can instead feed corruption if we ignore the warning signs and need for discipline, so our loved ones can be whole, happy and productive individuals.
“Wanting to help is natural. But when you want to help more than the other person wants to help themselves, you substitute for their personal power instead of adding to it. The harder you row the boat, the less they row.
Psychologists call this enabling, enmeshment, codependence, and “the drama triangle” (or “the rescue triangle”). Many of these insights came from addiction-recovery work, because it was observed that addiction exists because the addict is enabled by others. Enablers pride themselves on their compassion.
They hate the results, but refuse to do anything differently because it’s not “compassionate.” They go down with the ship.”[ii]
Love doesn’t mean throwing yourself under a bus to cover up a child or spouse’s dysfunctional behavior. Although painful at times, (as they say) sometimes “you have to be cruel to be kind”.
Pain can be good for us, as our subconscious is programmed to move us away from that which causes pain and toward comfort and pleasure.[iii] If the bad behavior is rewarded with pain (emotional or consequential) and helps the individual move away from the bad behavior (because they subconsciously associate it with pain), this can be the most loving thing we can do for them.
Likewise, rewarding good behavior with love and affection and comfort can be a powerful motivator to continue good behavior.
If we enable them and reward them with love and comfort for their bad behavior, there is nothing to motivate them to stop the bad behavior. What we think is being nurturing and loving can in fact be the most heartless and unloving action we can do for our loved one.
For this reason, it’s okay to set up boundaries where bad or sinful behavior is concerned. It can be a more loving thing to let our spouse know that there are relationship deal breakers. For example, abuse (physical, mental, emotional, verbal, spiritual or sexual – which includes unreasonable withholding of sexual intimacy), addiction, infidelity, unrepentant breaking of temple covenants, etc.…
Enabling a spouse in these behaviors, turning a blind eye to them or even helping to cover them up can be the most unloving thing you could do for your spouse and children. Making it stop may even require separation (not divorce, though that is an option if the spouse is persistently unrepentant).
A protection you do have in your favor is the spouse’s bad behavior does not have bearing on your temple blessings and covenant promises – if you are being faithful and trying your best to keep your marriage healthy.
President Joseph Fielding Smith said “If a man or a woman who has been sealed in the temple for time and eternity should sin and lose the right to receive the exaltation in the celestial kingdom, he or she could not retard the progress of the injured companion who had been faithful. Everyone will be judged according to his own works, and there would be no justice in condemning the innocent for the sins of the guilty.”[iv]
In addition, Pres. Brigham Young said “It is not my general practice to counsel the
sisters to disobey their husbands, but my counsel is—obey your husbands; …But I
never counselled a woman to follow her husband to the Devil.”[v]
Were he alive today, his council to the men
would likely be the same, as other apostles have also said. Honor each other,
but honor and follow the Lord, above all.[vi]
[i] Willis,
Dave. Eight Popular Myths That Could Ruin Your Marriage. 1 Nov 2017. http://www.patheos.com/blogs/davewillis/8-popular-myths-ruin-marriage/2/
[ii]
Breuning, Loretta G, Ph.D. Marry for Compassion, Repent for Enabling.
Psychology Today. 14 Sep 2014. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/your-neurochemical-self/201409/marry-compassion-repent-enabling
[iii] Glenn, David, Beginner to Advanced
Practitioner Training Course & Self Development in Psychotherapy
Hypnotherapy Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) Cognitive ... - NLP - CBT.
Clinical Psychology, Amazon, ISBN-13: 978-1521207994, 2008
[iv] Doctrines of Salvation, comp. Bruce R McConkie, 3
vols. [1954-56], 2:177
[v] Discourses of Brigham Young, pg. 200-201. Also in the
Teachings of Brigham Young, Lesson 23 and D&C 121:34-46.
[vi] See “Marriage – Watch and Learn” by L.Whitney Clayton
(Apr 2013); “His Spirit to Be With You” by Henry B. Eyring (Apr 2018), or
“Celestial Marriage” by Russel M. Nelson (Oct 2008), among others, for deeper
information
