This article is based on a section from my textbook “Exploring
the Dimensions of Human Sexuality” that most folks wouldn’t normally get to
see.
I wanted to share it, because I felt it had some helpful tools
for sexual communication in marriage.
I have altered the language for my audience - the married
members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
“Sometimes one spouse desires more variety in sexual
activities than the other. For example, one spouse may be curious about trying
anal intercourse, and the other may object. Or, one spouse may be extremely
excited by oral-genital sex and the other may be turned off by it.
One spouse may be concerned the activity might be immoral,
and the other feels no spiritual conflict about it. Too often, these conflicts
result in anger and resentment, thereby interfering with other aspects of the relationship,
not merely the sexual part.
Consequently, spouses should discuss differing sexual
desires and resolve these issues.
Fortunately, there are ways to do just that:
- To begin, each person’s thoughts and feelings should be expressed. A comment like “That’s sick!” short-circuits any meaningful communication.
- The initial part of the conversation should be devoted to understanding the viewpoint of the other person, and that requires listening.
- There is time to express an opposing point of view, but not until one person has had the chance to be understood.
- Once one person has expressed his or her viewpoint, the other should.
- Refrain from arguing or disagreeing at this point. Merely listen.
- Once both points of view have been aired, points of agreement should be identified. For example, both spouses might agree that sex is a normal and desirable part of their relationship; that variety of sexual behaviors enhances the sexual relationship and thereby positively influences other aspects of their life together; that each care about the other’s feelings and sexual satisfaction; and that they want to help each other be happy.
- Also address any concerns the other spouse may have about whether or not they are getting what they consider “affection”. It may have nothing to do with sex at all but is vital that they receive their affection if you want them to be enthusiastic about what would be sexually satisfying to you.
- If you’re the spouse desiring the activity, also give the other spouse a day or two to review any materials you’ve provided to support your idea, think about it and warm up to the idea.
The part of communication…that is most difficult is finding
a compromise with which both persons are satisfied. Identifying areas of
agreement provides a starting point in this process. Perhaps one spouse is
willing to try a particular sexual activity because he or she has identified a
concern for helping the other spouse be happy. Perhaps the other is willing to
forgo a particular sexual activity because it will make the other unhappy.
The goal is to maintain the relationship as a stimulating
one, not to engage in specific behaviors.
The original focus on the behaviors is what is “wanted,” whereas
the real issue is the “need” for excitement and stimulation.
That need can be met in ways that satisfy both spouses with
a little ingenuity and creativity.
Remember, though, no one should be forced, coerced or manipulated
to behave in any way he or she considers immoral. That will result in only
guilt, shame, or embarrassment and will not be healthy for the person or the
relationship.
If your spouse is trying to manipulate you, professional
marriage counseling may be needed.”[i]
[i] Greenberg,
Jerrold S., EdD, FASHA, FAAHE, Bruess, Clint E., EdD, CHES, FASHA, FAAHE,
Oswalt, Sara B., MPH, PhD, CSE, Exploring The Dimensions Of Human Sexuality, 5th
Ed., Jones and Bartlett Learning, 2014,749
