Sister
Wendy Watson-Nelson, a marriage and family educator for 25 years, recently gave
a rare and frank talk to LDS young adults about love and marriage in a
worldwide devotional for the Church. The link for that I am posting HERE, and
it can also be found at the Church website. It was given for consideration of
their future marriages. However, there was much in her talk that’s also
adaptable to those who are already married.
This was
particularly exciting because, with a General Authority present (her husband,
President Nelson), she spoke about sexuality in a very appropriate way to
single members, yet was still able to be clear and frank about this very sacred
topic. She presented a very good model of how to discuss sexuality with single
members of the Church.
Many
years ago, I studied her writings on marriage. At the time, she was single
herself, and as a married person, I found her ideas to be professionally and
spiritually sound, but a bit on the idealistic side. They came across as a molly Mormon's
spiritually romantic fantasy of what she imagined sex in marriage would be like.
It was so
far from my and my wife’s own reality that it reinforced my own feeling that
the most useful marriage and family professionals also have successful
marriages themselves. Being married (having a lab partner, if you will) truly
is a prerequisite to obtaining a full and clear understanding of what sex in
marriage is like and what is required to create a successful one. Just as a
science class requires an experiential lab to get a fuller picture and
understanding of any science, sexuality requires study and hands-on experience
to truly understand what it’s like, what works and what doesn’t.
When I
learned that she married President Nelson and was giving this talk, I was
excited to see if her ideas had shifted at all. To me, this presentation (while
maintaining her spiritual perspective on sexual intimacy) was refreshing and
very relatable. I felt that her remarks were worthy of further commentary on my
blog.
I’m
excited to add my insights (and perhaps some helpful additional information in
spots) on what she presented at this young adult devotional, to assist married
couples as well. What I wrote in green
below are my comments.
WENDY WATSON-NELSON
I’d like to share four truths I believe will not only save
you unnecessary heartache, but what will help you be able to choose a righteous
spouse, and then to create a happy marriage and a productive family.
…four truths about love and marriage.
Truth #1: The truths about love and marriage are brought to you by the
Holy Ghost from our Heavenly Father.
He decreed marriage to be an irreplaceable component of his
plan of happiness. The Spirit is the messenger of these truths. I urge you to
seek to understand them.
I thought
this statement here could be a little confusing to some. The Holy Ghost can
bring things back to our remembrance, help us make connections between
information we have already received, help the things we’ve learned to make
sense, and testify to us whether what we have learned is truth. [i]
However,
the Holy Ghost does not teach us things by osmosis. We can’t just enter
marriage, pray for knowledge, sit back and wait and think that knowledge about communication
and sexuality is just going to be poured into our heads. We do have a responsibility to study and
learn all we can first about our anatomies, relationships, communication,
sexuality, and sexual techniques - then the
Holy Ghost teaches us by confirming what is truth and what is good. [ii]
In this
context, I wholeheartedly agree with Sis. Watson-Nelson. When desiring to know
the truths about love and sex in marriage, the Holy Ghost is our best tool for
finding what works best in our situation.
She talks
about preparing yourself before marriage, and then continuing to keep your
covenants after marriage. There may be some who think to themselves, “What if I
wasn’t a member growing up? What if I didn’t keep myself pure? Did I miss the
boat on being able to have great sex in marriage?”
The
answer to that is, no, we’re not lost if this is the case. Repentance is still
there for us, and the Atonement. If we desire a great marriage relationship
that can last into the eternities, we can still make that choice by repenting
and changing our lives, and enjoy the blessings Wendy Watson-Nelson mentions
here. We can start where we are, and still have the kind of marital intimacy
she talks about here.
By contrast, lies about love and marriage originate with and
are perpetuated by Satan, and his servants. The Adversary rejoices every time
he persuades a victim to embrace anything that defiles and degrades love in
marriage.
However, truth is truth. Lies are lies. And no amount of
clever marketing, campaigning or advocacy can ever change that.
In
addition to knowing the truth about sex, the Holy Ghost is also our best guide
in marriage for knowing what we should keep in or out of our marriage.
My rule
of thumb is: If you can do it (no matter what it is) as a couple, and both can
feel the Spirit – keep doing it! You’re fine.
If one or
the other is feeling like something is wrong or feeling coerced, then you know
you as a couple need to stop that practice and gently determine why you’re
feeling that way.
For
additional helps, see my article on “Do Your Sexual Practices Defile Something Sacred?”
Come back next week for my review on Truth #2.
[i] Anderson,
Neil L. “A Gift Worthy of Added Care”. December 2010 Ensign. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/liahona/2010/12/a-gift-worthy-of-added-care?lang=eng
[ii] D&C
9:7-9 - Behold, you have not understood; you have supposed that I would give it
unto you, when you took no thought save it was to ask me. But, behold, I say
unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask
me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn
within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right. But if it be not right
you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought that
shall cause you to forget the thing which is wrong; therefore, you cannot write
that which is sacred save it be given you from me.
