WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred
sexual nature and is intended for married readers only. Those who are currently unmarried are advised to keep to the standards of the Church and refrain from reading the married sexual instruction that follows.
Dear Coach Sam,
In regards to the topic of a couple's difference in
sex drive or desired frequency of intercourse, it is generally
assumed that the man is the one who has more desire or wants sex more
frequently.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only woman in the world
who has a stronger sex drive than her husband does. We've been married over 25
years and it has almost always been this way.
I think it's mostly a personality thing (not a
physical inability). I am just more driven and intense than my calm,
even-tempered husband. But it's a challenge...for both of us!
Two questions—is
this really odd for a woman to feel this way? And—do
you have any thoughts on healthy, appropriate ways for
a wife to
express her needs/desires without putting pressure on
her husband to perform?
Thanks, Anonymous
PS: Assume a loving relationship and willing
cooperation from both partners.
I'm content....I just want more :)
Dear Anonymous,
“There is a high-desire and a low-desire partner on almost every marital issue – and these positions often reverse across the many issues married couples face.”[1]
Let me put your mind at ease – you are not the only
woman who has a higher sex drive than her husband. There are actually a
significant percentage of women in such a situation.[2]
Since sex is sacred (and for many a very touchy subject), women don’t often
share this information freely with others. If you spoke to more people around
you on this issue, you would probably learn this from your own experience as well.
Stereotypically, a husband has the role of the sexual initiator
in a marriage, because he often has the higher sex drive in the marital
relationship. He would usually want it more often than his wife. This is because
he has higher levels of testosterone in his system than she does. Testosterone
is the hormone that controls sex drive.
This is not always true, however, and for a multitude
of reasons. You mentioned the personality difference between you, which could
be a factor for the two of you.
Possible Reasons for a Man’s Lower Sex Drive
Physically, a husband might have a lower testosterone level
than normal. If it gets too low (lower than about 300 nanograms per deciliter (ng/dL)),
then his drive could get low to nonexistent.[3]
As a man ages, his testosterone levels can tend to
decrease slightly. Not for everyone, but for some. If he’s had physical damage to his testicles,
or if he’s on any kind of antidepressant or hypertension medication, that can
also affect his libido. If his job or home life is very stressful, that can
also affect his sex drive.
Usually, when a husband’s sex drive is lower than his
wife’s, the first thing that counselors will do is have them eliminate any
physical or chemical factor – to check with a doctor to see that everything’s
normal.
If he doesn’t want sex for months and months, I would
recommend checking this out medically. It’s not healthy for men to have low
testosterone levels over a long period of time. It can lead to higher instances
of heart disease, erectile dysfunction, fatigue, depression, or low bone
density/osteoporosis, according to WebMD.
However, if he wants sex once a week or once every
other week, and he’s happy with that frequency, then that’s probably not a
physical problem. It could be that there’s nothing physically wrong with him –
it doesn’t automatically follow that a low sex drive means something’s wrong,
for either a man or a woman. The parameters of ‘normal’ sexual desires in
people are pretty wide. The problem then becomes more the difference between
your drive and his.
There’s More to Sex Than Intercourse
“If one is forever seeking the interests, comforts, and happiness of the other, the love found in courtship and cemented in marriage will grow into mighty proportions…the [qualities] most vital for love are consideration, kindness, thoughtfulness, concern, expressions of affection, embraces of appreciation, admiration, pride, companionship, confidence, faith, partnership, equality, and dependence.”[4]
You said that your sexual encounters are good, but you
would like more. How often do you have sex currently? How often would you like
to have sex? How often does he want sex? How do you make up the difference?
If you’re having sex at
least once a week, but you’d like to have more, sex doesn’t have to mean
intercourse. It’s time for you to define what ‘sex’ is for you.
- Is it intercourse?
- Is it kissing?
- Is it cuddling and pillow talk?
- Is it him bringing you to orgasm?
If you’re okay with sex not
involving intercourse every time, reassure him that you don’t need him to
‘perform’ sexually for you. Tell him you would like to have sex more often, but
_________ is what sex means for you.
The part of sex that most
women often crave more than intercourse is the intimacy, the closeness, the skin contact, the
friendship that should happen along with the intercourse.
How are you achieving intimacy with your husband? Dating is a great basic way of building intimacy, and if you’re not dating regularly, you should be, at minimum.
How are you achieving intimacy with your husband? Dating is a great basic way of building intimacy, and if you’re not dating regularly, you should be, at minimum.
Do you have a vibrator? Does
he know how to use it with you? Does he know how to do oral sex, or bring you to
an orgasm manually? Does he know how to bring you to orgasm through
means other than intercourse, if more frequent orgasm and skin contact is what you feel you are missing?
If he doesn’t, and he’s open
to some instruction, there’s information to be found in books or online. Find an information source you feel
comfortable using, and learn more about how to do these things. Practice what
you need to learn, and then discard the source to protect others in the
household from finding sexual content by accident.
If you can't find a resource that you trust, or are uncomfortable with the possibility of encountering profane erotica in the search for information, I could offer you some options, instruction and guidelines.
Sexual Charity for your
Spouse
“Jesus knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands, and that he was come from God, and went to God;
He riseth from supper, and laid aside his garments; and took a towel, and girded himself.
After that he poureth water into a bason, and began to wash the disciples’ feet, and to wipe them with the towel wherewith he was girded.Then cometh he to Simon Peter: and Peter saith unto him, Lord, dost thou wash my feet?...Thou shalt never wash my feet.Jesus answered him, If I wash thee not, thou hast no part with me.Simon Peter saith unto him, Lord, not my feet only, but also my hands and my head.”[5]
Remember that charity is not
just about serving others, but humbling yourself enough to allow others to
serve you. In marriage, we should have charity for each other sexually.
The spouse with the lower sex
drive controls the sex in the marriage – in your case, your husband. Share with him that this is an opportunity to serve you and what you need to feel loved. Just make sure to reassure him that he doesn’t
have to have intercourse with you or have an orgasm himself if that is a sensitive issue for him, but that you need his help with something only he can do for you.
Men can be very solution-oriented[6],
and they can get a lot of pleasure and satisfaction from fixing a problem and
feeling competent. This is an opportunity for him to fix a problem for you.
When he does follow through,
thank him and praise him. Let him know how thoughtful he is, and how good he is
at fixing your problem. This can be very romantic for a man. He gains intimacy
from knowing he can make you feel good, just as you gain intimacy from a good
relationship with him.
I’m glad that you both have
a happy and healthy relationship, and are mutually willing to work on this. I
hope these comments are helpful to you.
I should have probably started with this but it's important to remember that 80% of obtaining the best possible marital intimacy is having good communication skills and you both feeling safe to share your most intimate thoughts with each other.
I offered some suggestions, but to be fair to your husband, I really can't know what would work best for your situation without talking with him as well.
If you feel you still have challenges with you and your husband communicating about your sexual relationship and find that he would be willing to let me meet with you both, I'd be glad to assist in any way I can - at no charge to you.
I should have probably started with this but it's important to remember that 80% of obtaining the best possible marital intimacy is having good communication skills and you both feeling safe to share your most intimate thoughts with each other.
I offered some suggestions, but to be fair to your husband, I really can't know what would work best for your situation without talking with him as well.
If you feel you still have challenges with you and your husband communicating about your sexual relationship and find that he would be willing to let me meet with you both, I'd be glad to assist in any way I can - at no charge to you.
Sincerely,
Sam Zaragoza
[1]
Schnarch, David, Passionate Marriage, pg. 329
[2]
http://content.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1728520,00.html.
In an interview with Time Magazine, counselor Michele Weiner-Davis commented on
a survey she did with Redbook Magazine, where she asked women about who wanted
sex more, their husbands or them. Sixty percent of wives surveyed said they
wanted sex as much or even more than their husbands.
[4]
Kimball, Spencer W. Marriage and Divorce, 1976 Devotional Speeches of the
Year, as quoted in Eternal Marriage
Student Manual, page 172
[5]
John 13: 3-6, 8, 9
[6]
Gray, John, Ph.D. Men, Women & Relationships, pg. 109-110
