News Release: Gay and Lesbian people (not practices) are allowed in the LDS Church

Recently the LDS Church held its semi-annual General Conference, and two very interesting results emerged from it.

President Boyd K. Packer gave a talk that made some references to recent developments in gay marriage, and reiterated that homosexuality is against the Lord’s code of chastity.

The Associated Press reports that the Human Rights Campaign, the largest gay civil rights organization in the nation, delivered a petition with 150,000 signatures demanding that President Packer withdraw his October 3^rd comments about gay marriage. For more on the story, a link is provided here:

http://trivalleycentral.com/articles/2010/10/15/maricopa_monitor/religion/doc4cb89f7c18ee7737145574.txt

This article appears to have now been removed by the website.

In response to this group, the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve issued an official statement of response that was delivered through a spokesman. This statement can be read or viewed here:

http://beta-newsroom.lds.org/article/church-mormon-responds-to-human-rights-campaign-petition-same-sex-attraction

I love and completely concur with this statement for several reasons.

 First of all, it reestablishes the fact that what legally happens between consenting adults in the privacy of their own homes is part of their free agency. Even if we disagree with the practices of others, there is no reason to attack them for their choices, because that breaks the higher law of loving our neighbor.

Yes, if others make dysfunctional choices with how they use their life, the people around those people may suffer physical or psychological pain, but that’s part of the beauty of the Atonement of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He paid the price for our sins, as well as the sins of others.

If we are in pain because of the choices that others make, we can ask the Lord to apply His atoning sacrifice in our behalf, and He can lift that pain. This frees us to allow others to exercise their agency so that full and honest judgment can be made by God, and also allows our progression to continue unhindered.

“…Satan will strive to convince you that there is no solution. Yet he knows perfectly well that there is. Satan recognizes that healing comes through the unwavering love of Heavenly Father for each of His children. He also understands that the power of healing is inherent in the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Therefore, his strategy is to do all possible to separate you from your Father and His Son. Do not let Satan convince you that you are beyond help.” – Richard G. Scott, Ensign, May 2008

Second, it reaffirms the fact that we are free to believe what we choose to believe, regardless of outside pressure, and that our beliefs are not determined by popular vote. If one hundred million people signed a petition to repeal the law of gravity, it would make no difference at all to natural law. We can’t repeal or legislate away the consequences of our choices.

“But let us emphasize that right and wrong, righteousness and sin, are not dependent upon man’s interpretations, conventions, and attitudes. Social acceptance does not change the status of an act from wrong to right. If all the people in the world were to accept homosexuality, as it seems to have been accepted in Sodom and Gomorrah, the practice would still be deep, dark sin.” – Spencer W. Kimball, The Miracle of Forgiveness, pg. 79

President Packer’s talk simply stated the truth as we in the LDS Church understand it – that the Lord does not sanction sexual practices of any kind outside of the marriage relationship. That is the doctrine of our church, and no amount of legislation or protests can change that. Only the Lord can, and the Lord frankly doesn’t care what we think is right. He sees things differently than we do.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.” – Isaiah 55:8

Third, it brings us around to the fact that there is no excuse for unkindness or manipulation or bullying of others. From my understanding of this press release, vigilante efforts against evil, even in an effort to destroy it, only creates evil within us. There has to be order and due process, even if ultimately, the Lord is the only one to make that judgment after this life.

The press release also makes the point that, when it comes to immorality, it’s our actions that ultimately count, not our thoughts. To me, this means the Lord will not judge you or deem you unworthy for thoughts. When Jesus said that “a man that looketh upon a woman to lust after her hath already committed adultery in his heart”, he didn’t mean that that person is the same as an adulterer who has done the deed.

Thoughts indicate our desires, and can be considered a warning that we’re moving in the wrong direction. We can then choose to take steps to keep thoughts from turning into actions, or we can choose to follow impure thoughts and become truly impure before the Lord. It’s always our choice.

A member of our Church who struggles with unworthy thoughts (whether those thoughts are homosexual or adulterous or sexual in nature at all) is still worthy for all the blessings of the gospel, as long as they do not act upon those unworthy thoughts with the body. However, as modern prophets teach us, all actions begin with thoughts, so guarding our thoughts is important.

Members of the Church who feel same-sex attraction and wish to continue in full Church fellowship should seek out assistance from trusted family and friends, counselors and Church leaders. It’s not a sin, according to this statement from the First Presidency, to have feelings of same-sex attraction, and we don’t deny that some may be born with a certain biological inclination towards same-sex attraction. What is condemned is acting upon those feelings, because they are counterproductive to the procreative process and the plan that God has for us in marriage.

Ultimately, people with these attractions can seek to stay close to the Spirit and remember the covenants they have made. The Lord will bless and protect those who love Him and trust in Him. There are loving members of the Church who have the skill to help members with same-sex inclinations to keep the law of chastity. Sometimes these struggles can be overcome, and a person can have a healthy, heterosexual relationship. 

As science learns more about the biology of homosexual attractions, we have come to realize that sometimes people with same-sex attraction can’t change these feelings, and it’s a very difficult and painful struggle to endure. Such a person who desires Church membership would have to practice abstinence their whole life, and simply manage such feelings. These feelings may be strong, but they're not uncontrollable. No one has ever died from not having sex. You will never find a death certificate with the cause of death listed as "Failed to orgasm or ejaculate."

I encourage all my readers to remember that we all struggle in this life, and should do our utmost to make sure that others will not struggle more because of our treatment of them. Let us disagree about concepts and ideas if we must, but continue to respect and love the person as the child of God that they are.

Reply to email about what's allowed sexually in marriage

In reply to your question kg6mvx:
"Is it possible that some expressions of sexuality are wholesome and loving between one couple, but not another?"

Indeed it is! :0) We have been counseled to live by the Spirit of the law and not the letter of the law. This is especially true when it comes to sexuality between a husband and wife. Husbands and wives are free to make decisions sexually as a couple. We learn about these types of decisions  through the example of Adam and Eve. God gave them commandments, but he also gave them the ability to choose. The choices may have come with consequences, but it wasn't necessarily a bad choice. The important thing was that they did their best to follow the Spirit and make the choice together. 

When I was a newlywed, my wife and I were the members who had been raised on the "thou shalt not" version of the law of chastity, but were never taught what was okay to do in marriage. Being newly married, we thought "well...now what?" What is okay sexually and what isn't?

My stake president at the time was in my ward. He was an elderly gentleman who had been a member his whole life. When it came to law of chastity issues, he had seen it all. He is now a mission president.

Anyhow, I expressed my concern about not knowing which resources were ok to teach us about sexuality and not knowing what is okay and not okay in marriage. He told me, " We cannot tell you what you can or cannot do sexually in your marriage. Learn it, try it out,. If you as a couple spiritually feel good about it - it's okay. If you don't feel spiritually good about it or if it drives you apart, don't do it anymore." We're still worthy because we practiced it in marriage. Unworthiness comes when we know it's wrong and continue to do it.


Do be aware that what doesn't work for one couple doesn't mean it won't work for another. I believe this is why we don't have a letter of the law on this issue. People are individuals. Each are unique physically, are at different levels of progression and have different needs. As an example to illustrate this, I hate eating liver. It's repulsive to me, but for others they may love it. I believe we can look at sex in marriage the same way. I believe we don't need to make sex in marriage an ethnocentric issue - believing that what is good for you is good for everybody as well, or that your way is always the best way.

The nice thing is, if a certain practice done in marriage feels wrong, it's between you and the lord. You don't have to confess to your bishop. Sexual transgression to be confessed to your bishop are those done outside of those with our spouse.

Having clear resources on how to have sex - from LDS resources - wouldn't hurt either.  There's too much porn out there disguised as sex education material. I and other members are working on remedying that however. :0)

DO YOU WEAR A RELATIONSHIP PARACHUTE?

To stay married…or not?  Have you ever found yourself asking that question?

If you’ve ever made the statement in your mind “if my spouse ever does/doesn’t do this, I’ll divorce him/her” then you may have placed that parachute on your back.

Being married means being unified; being one. We set a relationship up for failure when we get married with the idea that “If I get tired of them, bored with them, or they don't meet my expectations for the "ideal" I could always divorce them.”

This may sound like a terrible way to think, but many consciously and subconsciously do.

When Latter-Day Saints get married it is intended to be for time and ALL eternity. This means that when we get married, our spouse’s problems, former abuse issues, parental issues, habits, addictions, communication weaknesses, etc…are now our problem too. 

“Then we’ll just wait to get married until I know everything about my future spouse…”

There is a good chance this will not be possible. We cannot know all the issues before you marry.  You can date someone for decades, and you won’t see everything you’re getting into before marriage. Some issues don’t even present themselves until after marriage begins. But why try? It’s a grab bag. We get what we get and  it’s what we do with what we’ve got that counts. From what I've learned, we have a responsibility to work together as a couple (or at least be willing to) to resolve these issues.

This includes problems as large as adultery. Many members of the church may not be aware of this, but a first- time adultery offense may not necessarily be an excommunicatable offense. Doctrine and Covenants 42: 24-26 teaches us this.

            “Thou shalt not commit adultery; and he that committeth

             Adultery, and repenteth not, shall be cast out. But he that

            has committed adultery and repents with all his heart, and forsaketh

            it, and doeth it no more, thou shalt forgive; But if he doeth it

             again, he shall not be forgiven, but shall be cast out.“

Too many of us are in the one-strike-you’re-out frame of mind – i.e. “If my spouse has an emotional affair or a sexual one I will divorce them instantly.” If we continue to adopt this culturally-conditioned mindset, we may all find ourselves divorced eventually. In this paradox, if we then remarry, it will likely be to someone who has had an affair or been tempted to have one.

A temptation to have an affair (emotionally or physically) or first-time sexual affair is a symptom of a deeper problem in the marital relationship. Poor communication, trust, childhood abuse issues or trauma, incorrect education about appropriate sexual behavior in marriage, lack of intimacy, sexless marriage, addiction are some of many factors that have and could contribute to a spouse having an affair.

I suppose we always have the option to pull our parachute and escape, or we could do what the scriptures say - forgive, talk to your spouse about it, get counseling, and work through the problem together. It’s hard and it’s awkward, but this is part of being married.

“But my spouse isn’t willing to make the effort to make it work.  What do I do?”

I’m not saying there are no good reasons for ending a marriage, because I believe there certainly are. I’m also not saying that everything will be perfect right away if you start communicating and working together. The hard truth is, if one or the other or both refuse to be united and refuse to do whatever it takes to make the marriage work, then they don’t have a marriage. If we allow ourselves to separate in our hearts and thoughts, we run a great risk of eventually become physically, permanently separate as well.

“A house divided against itself cannot stand.” – Abraham Lincoln

 “I say unto you, be one; and if ye are not one ye are not mine.” – D&C 38:27

“But what if we go through counseling and do all we can to solve the problems and my spouse has an affair again?”

As the Doctrine and Covenants says, they must be cast out if they do it again.  However, once an affair or addiction or whatever the problem has been treated, it could happen again. It’s not like getting a shot and it’s all fixed. The temptation will likely be with you for the rest of both of your lives, and relapses are to be expected in the learning process. Thus the temptation will need to be managed for the rest of your lives.

I’m not saying that serial cheaters should be trusted over and over again. I have learned that there are no single steps to problems such as adultery. No one wakes up one morning and says to themselves, “I’m going to go and have sex with the neighbor today.” There are a series of steps from fidelity to committing adultery. Each of those steps should be consciously managed.

If a person relapses into a single step or steps (such as spouses not talking to each other or keeping secrets, flirting, lusting after someone other than the spouse, etc.), then both need to become aware that they’ve violated that step, try to identify the triggers, and develop defenses together against those trigger thoughts and behaviors.

Psychologists today are learning that they have to take a different approach if they are to helping people completely overcome incorrect behavior by helping the patients understand that relapse is part of the recovery process: 

“Falling off the wagon…doesn’t mean total defeat. In fact, relapse is the best teacher on the road to recovery…The slide back into addiction can be reversed, but it has multiple stations of a journey.”[i]

The good news is that you can grow closer by working on your problems together; no matter how difficult they may seem. The chances of adultery happening again when you’re both working on the problems together are much lower than struggling alone.

Consider using this dialogue or one similar to it when you need to address a temptation together:

Wife: Honey there’s this man at work who I feel really attracted to.

Husband: Oh yeah? Tell me about it.

Wife: (Describe the situation) I don’t know why I feel so attracted to him. I only want to be attracted to you.

Husband: (ask questions) Are you not attracted to me anymore?

Wife: I’m still attracted to you. I just have these really strong feelings for him and I don’t know why.
Husband: Have you told him how you feel?

Wife: No!

Husband: Good. I’ve felt attraction for other women. Just because we are married doesn’t mean our attraction mechanisms stop working.

Wife: I know that.

Husband: What do you need? What can I do to help you? (Go on to work out some strategies for dealing with the attraction)

As husbands and wives, our goal should be to become comfortable enough with each other to discuss anything. Open, honest communication engenders trust and strengthens our bonds. It makes us truly one and an eternal unit.

“A husband must have no private, hidden agenda that is kept secret from his wife. Sharing everything about each other’s personal life is powerful spiritual insurance.”[ii]

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[i] McGowan, Kathleen. “The New Quitter”. Psychology Today, Aug 2010

[ii] Scott, Richard G. “The Sanctity of Womanhood.” Ensign, May 2000