An anonymous reader recently wrote:
I know that there are two schools of thought, regarding the issue of "full disclosure of past sins" to our fiance or spouse.
I happen to agree with Brent Barlow's opinion, that past sins should be left in the past. Unless the past sin is something that might affect your future spouse (i.e. STD's), or if they insist upon knowing your full past, then it is better to not divulge past sins.
One of the main reasons that Bro. Barlow pointed out, was that it is better that your spouse not have to deal with the thoughts of your past sexual history, wondering how they might compare, wondering if your mind wanders to past sexual encounters when you are having sex with them, etc...
As a former Bishop, when asked this question, I usually told them that the past is wiped clean. If their fiance asks about their past, they can say something like, "I was not perfect, but I am clean and worthy to take you to the temple." If they insist upon knowing the particulars, then that is a possible sign that they are too immature to handle the truth anyway, and when the truth is shared with them it will likely result in a break up.
I have a close friend whose Bishop made his wife (at the time, his fiance) disclose to him her past sins, prior to them marrying. My friend wishes that the Bishop would have left it up to them to decide what should be disclosed, rather than that information being forced on him. It has been something that he has struggled with, on and off, over their 20+ years of marriage (the thought of his wife being intimate with another guy, even though it was years before they met).
My advice... the past is in the past.
Your statement: "Such sins, even if they happened before we met our spouse, are sins against our spouse". I need to respectfully disagree with this statement. Before we met, there were no covenants made to each other, our covenants were with God. Once we married, our covenant was with God and our spouse. Such a statement could cause a spouse to hold past sins over their spouses head, reminding them about their past mistakes, and not letting them put them behind them.
God has told us that when we repent of our sins, He will remember them no more. We need to strive for this type of love and mercy in our lives and leave past sins in the past.
Unfortunately, there are probably way too many people who are not emotionally mature enough to handle some secrets (from past mistakes). I say leave it in the past.
Dear Anonymous June 23:
Thank you for your comment and thank you for reading my blog. You brought up some very interesting points that do need addressing.
I came away from your comments with the feeling that you endorsed keeping secrets from our spouse or future spouse. I hope I was mistaken in that.
The attitude of "Heaven forbid I should tell my fiance about my past, because they’re too immature to handle it" is not the best attitude to begin an eternal relationship with. Would you know where Brent Barlow said this? Would you be willing to share with us this source? I was not able to find anything on the Church website or in his writings that I have that suggest this idea.
With all due respect to you and (possibly) Brent Barlow, full disclosure makes more sense from an eternal relationship and gospel perspective.
Perhaps my meaning would have been clearer if I had said “affects our future spouse” instead of “sin against our future spouse”, but I do believe breaking the law of chastity is a sin against our future spouse. That is a doctrinally correct idea.
Busby, Carroll, and Leavitt, administrators and family and parenting teachers at BYU and the authors of the book Sexual Wholeness, also put it this way:
“Is it necessary, though, to seek forgiveness from a potential marriage partner for previous serious sins? We believe that our covenants with God – and a future spouse – are violated when individuals are sexual with someone else before marriage. Consider that the future spouse is inadvertently injured – even if the person sinning hasn’t met their future spouse yet, and even if they fully repent before they do meet them.
Nevertheless, this does not always mean that the future spouse needs to be fully informed about such previous indiscretions or asked for forgiveness, even though in some circumstances this would be appropriate.
If couples keep in mind these facets of the principles of repentance and forgiveness, and at the same time balance them with the important principles of openness and honesty, they should be able to find a solution for their unique relationship and personalities, one that will help each of them make the best possible decisions about a future marriage together.” (p. 197)
The loss of our virginity to whatever degree before marriage carries a psychological effect on our relationship with our spouse. It must be dealt with and healed or adjusted for within the marriage relationship. If we think it doesn’t have an effect, we’re fooling ourselves. If we think that we can cavalierly “sow our wild oats”, then repent and take someone to the temple, and act as if the whole matter never existed, we’re likely in for a huge shock.
Life is full of latent consequences for our past choices. There is no way of telling whether past sins will come back to bite us, but they very often do, and in ways we don’t expect.
If a sexual sin has been committed, just because we’ve forgiven ourselves and tried to move on…and the bishop has cleared us of it…and the Lord has forgiven and forgotten it…doesn’t mean that the consequences no longer exist.
The unknown love child that shows up on our doorstep twenty years later…the photographs that show up on the Internet…the lie detector test during a job interview for a security pass that forces us to reveal our past sins…the surprise STD discovered during a blood donation…accusations of sexual assault decades later…the past has its ways of affecting the future.
Yes, the Lord forgives and forgets our repented transgressions, but he will not necessarily take away the consequences of our choices (Kimball, Miracle of Forgiveness, pg. 143-145). There is no statutory law on sins in heaven.
It has also been my experience that despite LDS cultural beliefs, or Victorian Christian beliefs in general, ignorance does not keep our children safer. In fact, it has the opposite effect. Because of this, I believe we should also prepare our youth to be mature when it comes to giving and receiving full disclosure with a future spouse, as everyone comes with some sort of baggage.
Sometimes the person we are engaged to may not care to know our past. I do agree with you that the bishop had no business forcing disclosure from the couple you mentioned, but since I don’t know the full particulars of that circumstance, I can’t make a truly informed judgment in that case. In general, I believe these issues should be kept between the couple and the Lord. However, to be unified, all three in the covenant require full disclosure.
And, would we really want to marry someone who is not willing to support us in dealing with the consequences of our past transgressions? Would we want to find that out after we’re married, or before? Which would be less detrimental to our life in general, as well as to the trust in the relationship?
I say, give the betrothed an opportunity to acknowledge that past before the wedding. At least that way, you’ll know that your spouse will be willing to work with you, and not feel that you trapped them into marriage by deception.
Our future spouse is preparing to spend eternity with us. There is nothing immature about them wanting to know about our past. To me, it’s the definition of maturity to want to know the whole story, warts and all.
Part of those consequences (and part of the repentance process) is making reconciliation with all those whom we have wronged, no matter whom it is or how long it takes. That can include our future spouses, who could potentially be affected by our past transgressions.
All that we may have to disclose is that “I have committed transgressions. I have fully repented of them and I would prefer to forget them. However, if you feel I should disclose them to you, I will at any time.” Some people may prefer not to know, but some would like to know. Our spouse or future spouse absolutely has the right to know.
Marriage is, by its very nature, a vehicle for developing growth and maturity. If our spouse knows our past sins and we know theirs, we can help each other to move forward, and we know that we are loved regardless of what we’ve done. This is the kind of love God shows us. God forgets our sins on purpose, and so should our spouses, but our spouses also inherit the challenge to help us deal with the fallout from our past transgressions, and we with theirs.
As for your friend, or others who may wonder how their spouse feels about those people they were once intimate with, we can always ask them. We can always ask for assurances if we need them, and there’s nothing wrong or weak about that.
Better yet, we can look at where our spouse is now. Are they choosing to spend their lives with us, instead of former lovers? Are they with us, and giving us the loving actions they might choose to give someone else? Actions speak much louder than words.
Sin, even repented sin, creates baggage. Our choices have consequences. Marriage is about finding someone who we can love enough and who loves us enough to help us unpack. Unpacking doesn't mean "throwing away". It can also mean revealing, sorting, organizing and managing, as the past always brings future effects. Ultimately, it’s up to each couple to decide best how to assimilate past baggage.
