Love is not an easy, one-size-fits-all word. It means
different things depending on the context.
If you missed our introductory discussion, or any of our
past discussions of Philautia, Ludus, Eros, Mania, or Storge, the links are
here. Check them out.
Today we’re going to discuss the kind of love called
‘pragma’.
What is pragma?
Just as storge is a love that is more comfortable than more
passionate kinds of love than eros or mania, so pragma is a calmer love with
practicality behind it. It’s logic-driven.
John A. Lee defined pragma as ‘rational love based on
practical considerations, such as compatibility and perceived benefits. Indeed, it can be described as ‘love with a
shopping list.’[i]
Dysfunctional Pragma
Pragma, like any other kind of love, can be taken to
extremes.
One way this can be done is to create unrealistic
expectations for the person we want to marry. He must be a returned missionary,
and work in a certain kind of profession, and never be without unemployment.
She must be able to cook and keep house and entertain clients and raise
well-behaved children, and never burn dinner, and she must be able to do this
even if she works full-time.
This person must always be in a good mood, and
never be cross or angry. Perhaps they must think exactly like us, or they’re
wrong. Their testimony of the gospel must always be strong no matter what.
If dysfunctional pragma doesn’t get its benefits, there’s no
reason to continue the relationship. This sort of stringent level of
requirement can lead either to late-or-never marrying, or being too quick to
divorce if the spouse doesn’t live up to the dreamed or imagined expectations.
Often, we don’t consider that we’re holding others to a
standard we ourselves could never meet.
Another way that pragma can go out of balance is when we
attempt to work through the difficulties in our relationships entirely through
logic.
Logic and reasoning are excellent for researching solutions to
difficulties we encounter. The Lord expects us to ‘study things out in our own
minds’[ii],
but if we want to be successful in our married relationships, there is more
required than simply study and reason.
Pragma at Its Best
When balanced love holds elements of pragma, we want to do
what it takes to live together peacefully for a very long time. In the case of
an LDS couple, for eternity. Therefore, we tend to look for companions who
share our religious views, moral and ethical standards and perhaps our
background, our level of education, and someone who would be supportive of our
vocation or other interests.
Functional pragmatic lovers support each other in their
growth and progression. President Hinckley and his wife set a beautiful example
of this.
“One evening when President and Sister Hinckley were sitting quietly together, Sister Hinckley said, “You have always given me wings to fly, and I have loved you for it.” Commenting on that expression from his wife, President Hinckley said, “I’ve tried to recognize [her] individuality, her personality, her desires, her background, her ambitions. Let her fly. Yes, let her fly! Let her develop her own talents. Let her do things her way. Get out of her way, and marvel at what she does.” Sister Hinckley was likewise supportive of her husband—as a father, in his personal interests, and in his extensive Church service.”[iii]
How does Pragma Affect an LDS Married Couple? Some Considerations…
When the General Authorities teach us about taking care when
we choose to marry, and about making a temple marriage our goal, they’re
speaking from a pragma mindset.
Setting criteria for our relationship is a way
of showing love, both intimate and otherwise. However feeble these efforts,
they’re meant to prevent pain for ourself and our spouse, our children and our
extended family through avoiding incompatibility issues and bad decisions.
The commandment to marry, and not only that, but to marry in
the house of the Lord, requires that we take our decision to marry with utmost
care and seriousness.[iv]
No other decision we make in mortality has such far-reaching consequences.
In addition, we can allow for the influence of the Spirit,
once we have come to a decision. The Lord’s ways ‘are higher than our ways, and
His thoughts than our thoughts.’[v]
We can use reasoning to come to a decision, and that decision can seem wise to
us, but by itself in the long term can end up very short-sighted, simply
because we don’t have the higher vantage point that the Lord enjoys.
We must have a certain amount of pragma in our search for a
spouse, as well as other kinds of love to help guide our decision. Still,
everyone comes with baggage, and a wise pragmatic lover would want to add to
their list a person who would love them and that they could love enough to help
carry and unpack that baggage – no matter what it may be.
Incorporating pragma into the storge phase when it sets in
helps us during that transition phase, when we realize the Prince or Princess
Charming we married has warts. Pragma helps us to be okay with this
realization, and to continue to love each other, warts and all.
Pragmatic love means not only just creating lists before
we’re married of what we want our spouse to be like, but also to continue
making those lists after marriage, of what we will do to help ensure the
marriage will continue to succeed, both inside and outside the bedroom. Both
spouses also need to interdependently unify those lists, which takes time and
practice.
In the marriage itself, pragma manifests itself through
trust, which extends into the bedroom. Couples who trust each other and feel
that they’re both moving and working together towards the same temporal and
eternal goals tend to feel safer to fully open to each other sexually.
Pragma also comes into play in the maintenance of a couple’s
sexual relationship. When eros and mania die down, when the early passion
subsides, pragma can help us continue having sex and building our spousal
relationship, even on days when we might not ‘feel’ like it, as we did in eros
and mania.
If our spouse has a more spontaneous drive than we do, the spouse
with the more cultivated desire can use pragma to give their spouse the gift of
intimacy, and thus maintain the intimate connection between them.
Deliberately setting aside time to build our intimate
relationship takes time and effort and planning, which is pragma love. A
marriage doesn’t grow and succeed by mania alone.[vi]
In our last "Love = Love" article, we will evaluate agape, and
consider how it incorporates with the other kinds of love.
[i]
Lee, John A. as quoted by Benokraitis, Nijole V. Marriage and Families:
Changes, Choices and Constraints. Fifth Edition. 2005. Pg. 150
[ii]
D&C 9:8
[iii]
Teachings of the Presidents of the Church: Gordon B. Hinckley, 2016, Chapter
10: Nurturing the Eternal Partnership of Marriage: https://www.lds.org/manual/teachings-of-presidents-of-the-church-gordon-b-hinckley/chapter-10-nurturing-the-eternal-partnership-of-marriage?lang=eng
[iv]
“Marriage is perhaps the most vital of all the decisions and has the most
far-reaching effects, for it has to do not only with immediate happiness, but
also with eternal joys. It affects not only the two people involved, but also
their families and particularly their children and their children’s children
down through the many generations.” – Spencer W. Kimball, “Oneness in
Marriage”, Ensign, Mar. 1977, 3.
[v]
Isaiah 55:8-9
[vi]
Brotherson, Laura, see the section ‘Making Time for the Relationship’(102) in
Knowing Her Intimately: 12 Keys for Creating a Sextraordinary Marriage. Inspire
Book: Boise, ID. 2016.
