In case you missed it, here are
Part 1,
Part 2,
Part 3,
Part 4 ,
Part 5,
and Part 6
It may come as no surprise to many of you that infidelity places
a huge damper on achieving the best possible sex. How turned-on could a spouse
be, knowing that their husband or wife were ‘unfaithful’ to them?
What many couples don’t realize is that ‘infidelity’ is so
much more than just adultery or fornication. There is also emotional
infidelity, confidentiality infidelity and even financial infidelity.
This may be “captain obvious” to some, but for others it’s
not so obvious. The gospel can feel repetitive as well, but we still need to
hear it and take stock of our lives periodically.
There Are Different
Levels of Infidelity
Adultery is
“voluntary sexual intercourse between a married
man and someone other than his wife or between a married woman and someone
other than her husband.”[i]
In contrast,
“Adultery is only used when at least
one of the parties involved (either male or female) is married, whereas fornication
may be used to describe two people who are unmarried (to each other or anyone
else) engaging in consensual sexual intercourse.”[ii] Those
who commit adultery are automatically fornicators, while those who are
unmarried can only fornicate.
Whether one sin is greater than the other is irrelevant. Both
are morally wrong, in violation of the law of chastity, will void any temple
covenants made, and possibly lead to excommunication.
Knowing your spouse is unworthy to be sealed to you any
longer is most likely to be a major turn-off, from the sheer sadness and
tragedy of such a fall.
The Fruits of
Adultery
Culturally and historically, the taboo placed on adultery or
fornication has mostly been applied to women. An unfaithful wife could bear the
children of another man that her husband is now unknowingly raising, thinking
they are his own heirs. It’s like the
cuckoo bird in a nest. The cuckoo lays its eggs in another type of bird’s nest.
When the cuckoo hatches, it pushes the parents’ baby birds out of the nest
while the parent birds continue feeding and raising the cuckoo’s spawn as its
own.
This is where the term “cuckold” originates from – and means
another man has supplanted the seed of the husband through adultery or
fornication. Despite the romancing of it
by the media and romance novels, cuckolding doesn’t engender the love and trust
necessary for the best possible sex to exist in a marriage.
Spiritually, we know there is no difference whether the
offense is committed by a man or a woman. A man breaking his temple covenants
and offending his wife and children also comes under the Lord’s condemnation,
regardless of how the world or cultural tradition regard it.
[iii]
Also, breaking covenants and pregnancy are not the only
consequences with adultery or fornication.
There are also sexually transmitted infections (STIs) to consider.
In today’s world, one in every four people now carry an STI
and statistically (with some of the STIs out there – such as gonorrhea) and while some are curable, as of 2007 many are not. However, check with the CDC website for the most current stats.
[iv]
If you were raised LDS, like I was, some learn (sometimes by
painful experience) that Mormons make terrible non-Mormons. It’s assumed in our
Church teachings that we will be chaste and prepare to marry in the temple and
stay faithful to our spouses.
Beyond “repenting”, we’re not trained what to do should we
choose not to be chaste as people in the world are. Activities such as wearing
a condom, checking the sexual history of the person we are getting involved
with, or getting checked for an STI after fornication is not part of the Sunday
School or even the youth curriculum. Truthfully, many people in the world are
also inadequately trained in this topic as well.
[v]
Tragically, an LDS husband or wife who has been unfaithful
these days are very likely to have transmitted an STI to their faithful spouse,
which doesn’t create the best possible sex. In fact, it may end intercourse
entirely for that person or persons. Obedience maintains our ability to have
the best possible sex throughout our lives (and eternity).
Emotional Infidelity
Another kind of infidelity is emotional infidelity. This is
an affair of the heart and not necessarily the body. It is the confiding in
another - our wants, desires, fears, needs, likes and dislikes - those things
that should first be shared with the spouse, or even kept confidential between
spouses. It can be done online or offline, in any format. The other person need
not be physically present for infidelity to occur.
This is serious in that it can betray trust, and can also
lead to limerance
[vi].
Limerance then propels individuals towards each other, and makes them more
likely to physically commit adultery.
Even
if limerance doesn’t lead to physical intimacy, this action disconnects us
emotionally from our spouses, and our marriages and sex lives suffer as a
result.
Emotional infidelity is a separating activity. Infidelity
does not bring a couple closer together. Just the opposite. It pushes a couple
apart and destroys any hope for the best possible sex recipe. That is, unless
repentance is humbly accepted.
Emotional infidelity can result from neglectful habits. Not dating
in marriage, or taking time to have heart-to-heart talks or physical intimacy
can leave a spouse feeling emotionally starved. Living like roommates or
ignoring each other leaves one spouse without someone to confide in or work
through problems with. We should not marry and continue to act as if we are
single.
Confidentiality
Infidelity
Infidelity is not limited to actions with the opposite sex,
or even sexuality at all. It can also include our actions with friends or
family members.
“The Lord said: “Thou shalt love thy wife
with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else.” (D&C 42:22.)This means just as completely that “thou
shalt love thy husband with all thy heart and shall cleave unto him and none
else.”
Despite the commandment, we sometimes continue
to consider our mothers and fathers and our friends’ thoughts and desires over
our spouses’.
Sometimes mothers will not relinquish the hold
they have had over their children. [Meaning that some parents will not respect
their children’s marriage as a separate self-governing institution and try to
maintain control over their married children’s decisions.] Husbands as well as wives return to their mothers and fathers to
obtain advice and counsel and to confide, whereas cleaving should be to the
wife in most things, and all intimacies
should be kept in great secrecy and privacy from others.
Your married life should become independent
of her folks and his folks. We love them more than ever; you cherish their
counsel; you appreciate their association; but you live your own lives, being
governed by your decisions, by your own prayerful considerations after you have
received the counsel from those who should give it.
To cleave does not mean merely to occupy the
same home; it means to adhere closely, to stick together…” ~ Pres. Spencer W.
Kimball[vii]
Financial Infidelity
Believe
it or not, even if your sex life is otherwise great, and no matter what the
world might say that money isn’t as important as good sex, this one will put a
serious damper on how you feel towards your spouse, and might even threaten
your entire marriage:
“How important are money management and
finances in marriage and family affairs? May I respond, ‘Tremendously.’ The
American Bar Association has indicated that 89 percent of all divorces can be
traced [in at least some measure] to quarrels and accusations over money.
Others have estimated that 75 percent of all divorces result from clashes over
finances. Some professional counselors indicate that four out of five families
are strapped with serious money problems.”[viii]
Financial
infidelity includes activities like hiding funds from each other (secrets),
spending money the way we want over considering what our spouse wants or needs
(selfishness), working so much that you’re never together long enough to renew
the relationship (separation), or not discussing or regularly reviewing how the
money is spent (silence). All the known marriage killers are here.
[ix]
To
keep full financial fidelity with each other:
*have
the difficult conversations, and know that sometimes, talking about money is
even more sensitive than talking about sex, so tread carefully and kindly with
each other. Don’t use ‘honesty’ as an excuse for cruelty.
*Be
open and forthright about what you both need and want, and about what you’ve
done, even mistakes. Forgive mistakes when they happen to your spouse, and work
with them to do better in the future.
*The
temptation to try to make ever more money can become a hindrance to
relationship-building after a certain point. The best possible sex in marriage doesn’t
come from making more money; it comes from proper money management. Try to keep
a good balance between maintaining your finances and your marriage.
[x]
*Financial
lack and poverty is something many, many couples struggle with, and poverty and
unemployment are grinding trials for any relationship. Financial worries do not
tend to help create great sex, especially if a couple is out of sync
emotionally or spiritually. Get whatever assistance you can, and work together
to not only pull yourselves out of poverty, but to live the gospel as fully as
you can. Make those regular deposits of intimacy that will strengthen your love
for each other and resolve to succeed together.
Turn Towards Each Other For the Best
Possible Sex
When we endeavor to ensure the marriage rule of full
fidelity is not broken or cheated (even just a little), this can create a level
of trust and unity that swells in the heart of both the husband and wife, no
matter what outside circumstances we might struggle against.
It is only natural then that this deep emotional trust will
follow you both into the marriage bed. It allows you both to relax emotionally with
each other, merging heart, body, mind and soul and truly becoming “one flesh”.
Arousal under these conditions comes much easier for both spouses, leading to
the best possible sex.
**
Next time we’ll discuss how lack of intimacy disrupts the
best possible sex.
[v] It’s my
feeling that providing this medical information to our children, as well as
gospel teachings, helps them to make informed choices regarding their own
sexuality, and can be a sobering argument for remaining chaste until marriage.
There’s more information here in this WebMD article on how schools teach sex
education:
http://www.webmd.com/parenting/features/abstinence-vs-sex-ed#1
Pam Stenzel’s videos on YouTube also do a marvelous job
of talking about sex education from a nurse’s and a Christian’s point of view
for both kids and adults, and are generally very compatible with gospel
principles:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KfF64EWd_RA
[viii]
Ashton, Marvin J.
Eternal Marriage Student Manual. Intellectual Reserve,
Inc. 2001. Pg. 116
