I had just been studying premature ejaculation when this ad
showed up. Based on what I was learning, the whole idea of female sexual disorder
(FSD) immediately echoed in my head.
Female Sexual Disorder
FSD is a condition that can be remedied in most cases by
learning how the clitoris works, a woman’s erogenous zones and her arousal
thresholds. It can be alleviated by women realizing that because their sexual
drives and function are not the same as a man’s doesn’t mean there is something
wrong with them, and that 75% of women require direct clitoral as well as mental
stimulation to achieve an orgasm. They cannot achieve an orgasm by intercourse
alone.
FSD is, in fact, a condition created by pharmaceutical
companies to sell more drugs that are otherwise pointless and, in most cases,
dangerous and ineffective.[i]
Most women, no matter how many times or how hard you thrust
into her vagina, will not have an orgasm unless her clitoris is also being
stimulated. Many women are also more interested in skin contact and would be
perfectly satisfied just holding her man close while her clitoris is
stimulated.
Sometimes, even clitoral stimulation may be unnecessary for
her to find sexual satisfaction as many women receive love, affection and
comfort through other means such as expressions of appreciation, a foot rub, a
gift or quality time together. It’s unrealistic expectation and cultural
beliefs that often create difficulties in a lot of cases.
(Male) Sexual Disorder = Premature Ejaculation?
In a similar way, studies show that the disorder of
premature ejaculation (largely) comes from men’s misinformed or fantasy expectation
that they must be able to control when they ejaculate, and a cultural belief
that a ‘real man’ should be able to satisfy a woman with his penis alone and
last “all night long.” Just ask Lionel
Ritchie, or any other popular singer today. This idea can be found frequently in
our music, media, movies and especially in profane erotica.
The idea that a bigger
penis is the most desirable, and you had better be able to satisfy your woman
with your penis alone is romantic nonsense. Unfortunately, some women also are
led to believe this is true. That it is the man’s responsibility to “just know”
how to pleasure her sexually.
Dr. Marcel D. Waldinger, MD, PhD, in 1992, had a 30-year-old
male patient who came to him for premature ejaculation treatment. The patient
was extremely upset because his girlfriend told him she was angry because of
her lack of opportunity for arousal because of his quick ejaculations.
Dr. Waldinger said:
“Since the early 20th century, premature
ejaculation has been treated as a psychological disorder. The phenomenon of too
early ejaculation is likely to have existed throughout the history of human
kind. But we can’t be certain it has always been viewed as a problem.
In our time, the capability for delaying ejaculation and
prolonging intercourse provides a man with the means to make love in a more
intimate and satisfactory way. Men aspire to control ejaculation until the
moment that the partners feel is right.
The first report of early ejaculation appeared in medical
literature in 1889. About 30 years later, the psychoanalyst Karl Abraham
pronounced that early ejaculation was a manifestation of unsolved unconscious
conflicts.
He and other psychoanalysts assumed that “premature
ejaculation” carried a psychological significance, for example, that the man
unconsciously wanted to punish a woman by giving her no chance to reach orgasm.
This gave rise to the question, ‘Premature for whom – the man or his partner?’ Possibly
it was not premature for the man but only for his partner?
This question led to much unfruitful discussion among physicians
and prevented investigators from reaching a clinically satisfying definition of
premature ejaculation…
Masters and Johnson and Helen Kaplan suggested that
qualitative descriptions such as the female partner’s satisfaction or the man’s
voluntary control have to be at the core of the syndrome. Masters and Johnson,
for example defined premature ejaculation as the man’s inability to inhibit
ejaculation long enough for his partner to be satisfied 50% of the time.
Their definition is inadequate because it implies that any
male having difficulty satisfying his female partner could be labeled a
premature ejaculator.
It is also arbitrary and questionable whether women should
be satisfied 50% of the time.
Another way to define premature ejaculation is by using
quantitative measures such as the duration of ejaculatory latency, or the
number of thrusts prior to ejaculation. In the sexology literature of the 1970s
and 1980s we find a range of 1 to 7 minutes in the definitions of the time
before ejaculation…
Can we seriously accept that men who maintain thrusting for six
minutes are premature? These authors did not assign these numbers through
stopwatch measurements. They arbitrarily established the cut-off points.
Another equally subjective definition for premature
ejaculation was ejaculation within 8-15 thrusts.
The fourth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual
of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) tried to solve the problem by defining premature
ejaculation as ‘persistent or recurrent ejaculation with minimal sexual
stimulation before, upon, or shortly after penetration and before the person
wishes it.’
But let’s be a little bit critical. This definition raises
questions – for example, what are the meanings of persistent, recurrent,
minimal, and shortly after? How
long precisely is shortly after? Is
it 1 minute or 2 minutes? …
In 1973, the psychoanalyst Tanner used a stopwatch to
measure the ejaculation time…Our group in the Netherlands used a stopwatch to
get an empirically operationalized definition of premature ejaculation in a
study of 110 men with lifelong premature ejaculation. Female partners used a
stopwatch at home during each coitus for 4 weeks.
Ninety percent of
these men ejaculated within 1 minute of intromission, 80% within 30 seconds….
…Other patient populations need to be studied similarly for
cultural differences. For example, do
men in other countries or cultures think of themselves as being premature when
they ejaculate within 4 minutes?
It’s only in the last 20 years that more insight into the
background of premature ejaculation has been gained. I can imagine that
psychotherapists don’t like to hear this, but most of the psychological hypotheses
have never even been investigated or proven in a scientific way. Still, many therapists
insist on using psychotherapy or behavioral therapy for the treatment of
premature ejaculation…”[ii]
My human sexuality textbook had this to add:
“Early ejaculation, or premature ejaculation, is a common
sexual dysfunction in men. It is estimated that 8-30% of men worldwide
experience early ejaculation…However…this condition is not easily defined.
Years ago, early ejaculation meant that the man could not maintain penile
insertion without ejaculating within a minimal amount of time (for example, 2 minutes)
or could not perform a minimal number of penile thrusts before ejaculating. Masters
and Johnson (1970) even proposed a definition that the man’s partner had to be
satisfied in at least 50% of their coital episodes or it was considered
premature.
Helen Singer Kaplan (1974) defined premature ejaculation as
the man’s inability to control his ejaculate voluntarily.
The problems with these definitions are several. The couples
in these studies differed in their perception of what was “too soon”. Some
couples were perfectly happy for coitus to last a short period, whereas other
couples were dissatisfied with only 2 minutes of insertion or a minimal number
of penile thrusts.
In addition, Masters and Johnson’s definition overlooked the
fact that most women do not experience orgasms during coitus and would not
achieve orgasm regardless of the timing of their partner’s ejaculation.
Kaplan’s definition neglected to recognize that men, as a
rule, do not possess total voluntary control over ejaculation; this definition would classify most men as sexually
dysfunctional.”[iii]
Tampering with the Fountains of Life
There is another name
for most cases of premature ejaculation, it’s called - “normal sexual
function”.
Unless a husband is ejaculating before his penis can even
enter the vagina - if he is able to penetrate and ejaculate into the vagina, chances
are his penis and reproductive organs are functioning as intended. So, the
couple adjust their sexual intimacy routine to reach their sacred intimate
goals.
The obsession with having control over when you ejaculate
and how long you last is the true disorder. Tampering with our fountains of
life[iv]
through drugs and squeeze techniques to help us last longer has the potential
to be expensive and have long-term undesirable side effects – such as Delayed Ejaculation. The reverse of
premature ejaculation.
As husbands age have more frequent sex, their penile sensitivity
may decrease and the time it naturally takes them to ejaculate may increase. Training
our penis to last longer when younger could result in requiring an undesirable
length of time thrusting to be able to ejaculate and achieve an orgasm – a
condition also known as delayed ejaculation. What can we do then? More drugs?
Take Time to Learn
The real correction to this culturally misleading disorder[v] appears
to be gaining a better understanding of how the female sexual anatomy works and
learning skills[vi] that
will help her to also be satisfied sexually. In addition, your wife may not
want to have an orgasm every time you initiate sex with her.She may get satisfaction from just holding her husband and making him feel good - and this is ok! Most women don't share the same perspective about sex as men do.
Most men who reported suffering from “premature ejaculation”
claimed they were able to thrust inside the vagina from 30 seconds to 2 min.
Because being close and feeling your skin will be the goal of most wives, once
you bring her to orgasm manually, she may be grateful for a quick ejaculation
from you and more time cuddling and talking. After they reach orgasm, in contrast,
I hear more complaints from women about the man lasting too long and getting
bored waiting for him to ejaculate.
Although extremely rare, premature ejaculation would be best
labeled as those who have repeated difficulty of ejaculating before entering the
vagina. My concern is professionals and individuals being too quick to label an
inability to control ejaculation as "premature ejaculators" because the body does
not ejaculate when they want it to. If the natural functions of our body can be
labeled a disorder just because they can’t be fully controlled, then what is
next?
Will the inability of a male to control when his pituitary
glands start releasing the hormones that begin puberty become a disorder? Will
a woman, unable to control when her monthly menstruation begins, find herself
ridiculed for her “premature menstruation”? Will drugs be developed to correct
it because it interferes with her cultural expectation self-esteem? Will the
drug companies develop drugs to help us control our heartbeat, and our
breathing to meet some future cultural expectation of virility or fashion? There
are consequences to tampering with the fountains of life.
It appears in every case where ignorance about these natural
and normal functions exist, the reason they become labeled a “disorder” can
(often) be traced to one major factor – money and the current romantic ideal of
making sex the way they think it’s supposed to be. Sex that, in reality, ends
up not really being that good.
In this case, there’s money to be made from either selling
the patient drugs to unnaturally alter their biological functioning, or the
selling of the idea that it’s “the way to reach the pinnacle of pleasure”
through the media.
The ultimate marital intimacy would be better reached by
developing better sexual communication and trust in our marriages. If you’re
feeling like you don’t last long enough during intercourse, perhaps try one of
these remedies:
- Have sex more often. More sex can cause the penis and prostate to become desensitized and thereby extending the amount of time it takes to ejaculate.
- Consider using sexual techniques (such as manual stimulation or a vibrator) to bring her to orgasm first (if she wants to orgasm) before penetration or thrusting.
- Try changing positions. Female on top opens the vagina, reducing the amount of stimulation the husband receives and gives her control of her own orgasm through pelvic grinding. Focus on her; when she’s finished, then it’s your turn.
- Evaluate your anxieties: Consider that what you perceive as “premature ejaculation” might originate from unrealistic or even unnatural cultural, media or your own “ideal” expectations of your sexual role, or what defines you as a “man”.
Many men, thinking their virility, potency
and/or manhood is defined by their stamina and penile ability, make the mistake
of using the squeeze technique, or training or chemically altering their sexual
function.
Later, when they discover their problem was
psychological and address their anxieties, find they end up with the reverse
effect of delayed or inability to ejaculate.
If part of your perception of manly sexual
stamina consciously or subconsciously came from some profane erotica you viewed
in your youth or even recently, please be aware that those films are edited, and
the actors chemically enhanced to give the appearance that they can last 20 –
30 minutes and ejaculate on cue. Their performances are not natural.
In interviews, most of the actresses in
those films admit they would never have sex in real life the way they have sex
on film. They do not find it comfortable, pleasurable or romantic. Chances are
your wife won’t either.
What was thought a problem, may not be a
problem at all. Our potency and virility will not come from our ability to
control our penis, but through our ability to communicate, to learn her
definition of “good sex” and to ensure she’s getting “her sex” and not just our
definition of “good sex”.
You’ll get your sex, but if you want her to
be an enthusiastic lover, first learn her definition of affection and sex and
ensure she’s getting it.
Or, if you’re the wife reading this, help
him know what your definitions are and reassure him that it’s not about his
penis, but how he treats you and that no matter what, you still love and desire
him and his penis. I find most husbands just want to know they are desired by
their wives and can sexually please them.
If you’re the exception to these scenarios
or have additional issues getting in the way, be willing to talk with your
spouse about it and seek qualified medical help or marriage counseling if
needed.
I believe everyone can all have great
eternal marriages, but sometimes calibration is necessary to get everything
moving in the right direction.
“Couples get so caught
up in performance and achievement that they forget freedom, affection, humor,
playfulness, fun, and love.
To enjoy sex, married couples must set themselves free to enjoy
sexual intimacy without worrying about how well they perform."
~ Brent A. Barlow, What Husbands Expect of Wives (1983,55)
[i] Canner,
Liz, Airs, Kim, Queen, Dr. Carol, Orgasm Inc., First Run Features, 2009
[ii]
Waldinger, Marcel D. MD, PhD, Handbook of Clinical Sexuality for Mental health
Professionals, 3rd Ed., Routledge Taylor & Francis Group, 2016,
134-138, some italics added
[iii]
Greenberg, Jerrold S., EdD, FASHA, FAAHE, Bruess, Clint E., EdD, CHES, FASHA,
FAAHE, Oswalt, Sara B., MPH, PhD, CSE, Exploring The Dimensions Of Human
Sexuality, 5th Ed., Jones and Bartlett Learning, 2014, 662-663,
italics added
[iv] Kimball,
Spencer W., Why Call Me Lord, Lord, and Do Not The Things I Say?, Apr. 1975
Gen. Conf. “We take the solemn view that any tampering with the fountains of
life is serious, morally, mentally, psychologically, physically. To interfere
with any of the processes in the procreation of offspring is to violate one of
the most sacred of God’s commandments—to “multiply and replenish the earth.”
[v] The term
‘disorder’ is used very loosely here, since according to Master and Johnson,
the DSM IV, and The Handbook of Clinical Sexuality, their definitions were
based on their male patients’ concerns about being able to sexually satisfy
their wife sexually with their penis and inability to “control” when they
ejaculate – concerns that are based largely on media hype and cultural
disinformation and not actual knowledge of the natural processes of sexuality
and reproductive function.
[vi] Important
sexual skills for men to learn could include speaking romantically to the wife,
adjusting sexual positions, using a vibrator, oral or manual stimulation and
learning patience – with the knowledge that her orgasm threshold may take 20
min or longer to reach. Other sexual techniques that don’t involve intercourse
can also be considered ‘making love’, and can help a man who feels daunted at
the prospect of keeping the penis hard for a specified amount of time – even
though it may be in direct conflict with how his body is naturally designed to
respond.
