Five key things that
make men feel desired (and why we don't talk about it).
~Sarah Hunter Murray
Ph.D. Posted on Psychology Today, Dec 23, 2018, Edited by Sam
Zaragoza for the Eternal Marriage Bed on Sept. 21, 2019. To see the original, click here:
“Whether
it's opening the car door, buying flowers for a birthday or anniversary, or
initiating sexual activity, traditional sexual scripts and gender norms in our
society consistently and reliably depict men as the ones who chase, pursue, and
"do" the desiring, while women are the ones who are pursued and
desired.
And
while researchers have consistently found that feeling sexually desirable is a
huge component of women's sexual desire, some of the latest research
suggests that feeling sexually desired might actually be quite important to
men's sexuality too — it's
just that a lot of us don't tend to talk about it.
Why
is that?
The
short answer is that men's desire to feel desired goes against the grain of the
narrow stereotype our society continues to promote around men and sex. That is,
if men want to feel desired, it suggests that their sexual desire could (at
least at times) be responsive rather than spontaneous.
It suggests that men
might sometimes prefer to be passive in their sexuality, rather than
dominant and "aggressive." And it touches on a key underlying piece
of men's sexuality that many of us don't tend to acknowledge: That is, men's
desire might not be so strong, simple, constant, and unwavering.
How
Important Is Feeling Sexually Desired to Men?
The
first question I asked the 237 participants in my study (heterosexual men, aged
18-65, in relationships of six months or longer) was how important feeling
sexually desirable was to their sexual experiences. While 5.5 percent of
the participants indicated that it was not important to their sexual
experiences, a whopping 94.5 percent of study participants
indicated that it was "very" or "extremely" important
to their sexual experiences.
How
Do Men Feel Sexually Desired?
The
second piece I was interested in was understanding how men feel sexually
desired. Men in my study indicated that there were several ways that they felt
sexually desired by their partners, and I categorized them into five key
themes:
1.
Compliments
Many
[husbands] indicated that simply hearing their wife… giving them a compliment
on their physical appearance made them feel good and even sexually turned on.
Participants gave examples of when their wife noticed when he got dressed up
for a night out or told him something specific she liked about his body. As one
example, a participant said:
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"I feel kind of silly writing this, but she'll call me her beautiful
man. Hello, my beautiful man, she'll say as I stand shirtless in the living
room or when she walks in while I'm getting dressed. No one has ever called me
that, but she says it so effortlessly, and it makes me feel wonderful about
myself."
2.
Flirting
[Husbands]
in this study also described feeling sexually desired when their wife… was
acting flirtatious in numerous ways that suggested she might be thinking about
him sexually. For example, participants said things like:
"Making sexual comments or flirting… giving me a peek at what
she's wearing"
"There are particular [aroused] looks, the way her hips
wiggle when we're lying in bed, that
make it clear she's thinking about sex."
3.
Physical Touch
In
addition to compliments and flirtatious gestures, men also described the
importance of being touched by their [wife]. It's worth noting that this touch
did not have to be sexual in nature for it to make men feel desirable. In fact,
many men described liking to be touched in ways that sounded more romantic than
overtly sexual. For example:
"She makes physical contact. She will touch me when she walks
past. Sometimes a simple squeezing of my foot when I'm on the recliner or
brushing my forearm or shoulder. When I'm leaving, she will cup my butt in her
hands. If I'm standing or sitting near her, she will lean in or snuggle. I love
it."
4.
Initiating [Marital Intimacy]
A
number of men also indicated that separate from being touched in what might be
considered romantic ways (such as in the example above), when their [wife]
overtly expressed her interest in [physical intimacy], to the point that she initiated
sexual activity, it made [husbands] feel wanted and increased their own
interest in having sex.
"I feel desired when she initiates sex, either verbally or
through touch."
"Without prompting . . . she will initiate contact with me.
Cuddling, hugging, kissing, pulling me into the bedroom, or just telling me she
wants to have sex"
5.
Enthusiastic Partner
Finally,
men in my study indicated that it was not just the buildup to having sex that
made them feel desired, but also how their [wife] interacted with them during
sexual activity that mattered. That is, [husbands] indicated that having an
emotionally present [wife], who was excited and "into" sex, was a
huge component of their own sexual desire and enjoyment, and they had no
interest in having sex with someone who was just waiting for sex to be over.
For example:
"By giving herself to me. This is not sexual. This is when we
get together and blot out all of the other real-world distractions and focus on
us. Sharing our feelings towards each other without distraction. Let the chemistry
work."
What
We're Missing
Despite
the majority of men in my study indicating that feeling sexually desired by
their female partner was an important part of their sexuality…, only 12
percent of participants indicated their partner made them feel as desired
as they wanted. The other 88 percent of participants indicated that they wished
their partner did the things described above.
Takeaway
Men's
desire to feel desired has important implications, particularly in heterosexual
relationships. First, it's important to consider how much space we're leaving
in our [marriages] for [husbands] to be vulnerable, wanted, desired, and not
always be the ones who are dominant and in control during sexual encounters.
And while [wives] certainly aren't at fault, nor purely responsible for making their partners feel desirable, it may be empowering for some [wives] to [know they are allowed to take] a more active sexual role through pursuing, desiring, and initiating sex with their partner, instead of [feeling they are required to always be the] more passive and responsive, as the more traditional, stereotypical sexual roles [cultural norms and the media] continue to [portray].”
And while [wives] certainly aren't at fault, nor purely responsible for making their partners feel desirable, it may be empowering for some [wives] to [know they are allowed to take] a more active sexual role through pursuing, desiring, and initiating sex with their partner, instead of [feeling they are required to always be the] more passive and responsive, as the more traditional, stereotypical sexual roles [cultural norms and the media] continue to [portray].”
About the Author
Sarah Hunter Murray, Ph.D., is a sex researcher and
relationship therapist specializing in how men and women experience sexual
desire in long-term relationships.
Psychology Today © 2019 Sussex Publishers, LLC. Items in brackets show where adjustments were made by Sam Zaragoza.
