Let Sexual Virtue Garnish Thy Thoughts

 Hello faithful readers, 

I wanted to make note of a thought I had recently, regarding a concern many of our faithful brethren and sisters in the church have been struggling with when working so diligently to keep their carnal desires bridled (not eradicated) and in check. 

We've been taught since youth in the church that when it comes to sexual morality and the law of chastity, we should let virtue garnish our thoughts unceasingly. (Doc. & Cov. 121:45) If this is the only thing you may have been given as a guideline to hing your sexual thoughts and feelings on, I want to give you brethren (and even sisters) some words of comfort that when it comes to sexual thoughts, you have more righteous leeway than you may have previously been aware of.

When it comes to sexual purity, we have also been instructed by our beloved prophet Spencer W. Kimball " In the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely approved. There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join in a process of creation and in an expression of love.” (Eternal Marriage Student Manual, 2003,139)

This means that thinking about your spouse in a sexual manner is well within the realm of righteous and virtuous options. In addition, you not only can but should let sexual thoughts of your spouse garnish your thoughts!  Sex is intended to be used as a tool to bring you closer together. If sexual thoughts of your spouse help you desire your spouse more and therefore intimately bring you together, it's not only a "good" thing, it's a "virtuous" thing. 

Satan's battle plan is to push you apart, keep you from thinking about each other in any kind of positive way and to keep you from having sex. Because, he knows these are the tools that keep an eternal marriage strong.  

Only the world thinks that sexual thoughts are "bad, nasty or dirty" thoughts, because the world only think of having sex in terms of outside of marriage and give no merit to thinking about sex inside of marriage. As though it loses some kind of power or its pleasure and enjoyment is marginal to what a sex outside of marriage experience is.  In this, they not only show their ignorance of how astronomically better marital intimacy is, but defile the sacred act of thinking about sex. Just because the world defiles it doesn't make sexual thought "unsacred", anymore than someone performing temple ordinances on YouTube makes the ordinances we perform in the temple profane, and require us to no longer perform them. They are still sacred and we still perform them in the temple.  

We reverence the sacredness of sexuality by keeping our sexual thoughts within the bounds the Lord has set  - that boundary being marriage. So go forth, be happy and fill your thoughts with that of your spouse - in a sexual way.

God bless you all and make your marriage one that makes you smile when you think of being in it for eternity. 

~Sam Zaragoza, LDS Marital Intimacy Coach

Date Night Tips For When You Have Small Children or Elder Care

I was reading through one of my textbooks and found this. The chapter is on balancing college and life, but could also apply to balancing your eternal marriage relationship and life.

Since we change and grow as time passes when we are married, couples who are not in the habit of going on regular dates can grow apart instead of together.  After marriage, nothing is spontaneous anymore, so regular date nights have to be schedule and planned, but the rewards are worth it.

Also, after we are married, children and the cares of life can consume a lot of time. If we don't plan time with our spouse in there, time will slip away and we'll find it's been years since we last had a date with our spouse.

All of us will at some point in our lives have to accommodate children and or elder care. Here are some ideas to help manage those so you have time with your sweetheart when those dates have to be at home. I've arranged some of the wording to be more appropriate to courtship night.

The chapter was "Dealing with Childcare Demands" [1]

* Provide activities for your children. Kids enjoy doing things on their own for part of the day. Plan activities that will keep them happily occupied while you're [having your date.]

* Enlist your child's help. Children love to play adult and, if they are old enough, help you [have a date]. Perhaps you can give them 'assignments' that they can work on while you're [having your date]. 

* [ Arrange for a play date at their friend's house]. Some children can remain occupied for house if they have a playmate.

*Use screen time appropriately. Age-appropriate shows like Sesame Street, Netflix downloads, and even video games can be not only engaging, but educational. The trick is to monitor what the kids watch.

*Find the best childcare providers that are available. The better the care your children are getting, the better you'll be able to concentrate on your [spouse while you're on your date]. You may still feel guilty that you're not with your children as much as you'd like, but accept that guilt. Remember, your [time alone with your spouse] builds a better future for your children.

*Use your children's 'downtime' effectively. If your children are young, use their nap time as a chance to [date]. Or consider getting up early, before your children wake up, for a period [of time] in which you will have fewer interruptions than later in the day.

*Accept that [dating] will be harder with kids around. It may take you longer to [make arrangements], and [it might not be as fun as it was when the two of you were young and single]. But remind yourself...one day your children will be grown, and without a doubt there will be times that you'll miss their high level of energy and activity [but dating will get so much easier, especially if you persevered while they were young.]

Elder Care Demands

* Encourage as much independence as possible on the part of older adults for whom you are responsible. Not only will this take some of the pressure off you, but it will be helpful to adults.

* Ask for support form your siblings and other family members. Caring for an ill or aging parent should be a family affair, not a burden that falls on any one individual.

* Determine what community resources are available. Local centers for aging may provide assistance not only to the elderly but also to their caregivers.

* Respect your own needs. Remember that your own priorities are important. Elders for whom you are responsible will understand that you will sometimes need to put your [marriage] first.

[1] East Central University, Interdisciplinary Studies, McGraw Hill Education, (2019, 49-50)

*

QUIZ: Do You Procrastinate Date Night?

Getting into the habit of date night is extremely important to the health and happiness of your eternal marriage. Many of us procrastinate this.  So (with the help of my old Interdisciplinary Studies text book [2019,48], I’ve organized this simple test you can take together.

Find Your Date Night Procrastination Quotient

1.       I invent reasons and look for excuses for not having date night with my spouse

Strongly agree 4  3  2  1  Strongly Disagree

2.       It takes pressure to get me to go on a date or schedule a date with my spouse

Strongly agree 4  3  2  1  Strongly Disagree

3.       I take half measures to avoid or delay unpleasant or difficult interactions with my spouse

Strongly agree 4  3  2  1  Strongly Disagree

4.       I face too many interruptions and crises that interfere with scheduling or going on a date with my spouse.

Strongly agree 4  3  2  1  Strongly Disagree

5.       I sometimes neglect going on scheduled dates with my spouse

Strongly agree 4  3  2  1  Strongly Disagree

6.       I schedule date night too late to make them as enjoyable as well as I could

Strongly agree 4  3  2  1  Strongly Disagree

7.       I’m sometimes too tired to go on a date with my spouse

Strongly agree 4  3  2  1  Strongly Disagree

8.       I start a new task instead of going on a date with my spouse

Strongly agree 4  3  2  1  Strongly Disagree

9.       When it comes to scheduling dates, I usually put it on my spouse to plan it

Strongly agree 4  3  2  1  Strongly Disagree

0.   I put of going on dates with my spouse where the activity really doesn’t interest me, but I know I should do.

Strongly agree 4  3  2  1  Strongly Disagree

Scoring: Total the numbers you have circled. If the score is below 15, you are not a chronic procrastinator and you probably have only and occasional problem. If your score is 16-25, you have a minor problem with procrastination. If your score is above 25, you procrastinate date night quite often and your marriage would benefit from you breaking the habit.

Now, consider the following:

·         If you do procrastinate date night often, why do you think you do it?

·         Are there particular types of date activities you are more likely to procrastinate on?

·         Are you putting off a date night right now? How might you get started?

Source: Adapted from J.D. Ferner, Successful Time Management(New York: Wiley, 1980), p33

Sperm and Egg Donation

General Handbook 38.6.7

"Donating or Selling Sperm or Eggs

The pattern of a husband and wife providing bodies for God’s spirit children is divinely appointed (see 2.1.3). For this reason, the Church discourages donating sperm or eggs. However, this is a personal matter that is ultimately left to the judgment and prayerful consideration of the potential donor. See 38.6.9. The Church also discourages selling sperm or eggs." 
(churchofjesuschrist.org, 2020)

Those of you who have read this may find this policy perplexing.  All the other policies that are considered “serious sexual sins” are followed by guidelines for counseling, membership restrictions or a membership counsel.

I found this curious because in order to do sperm donation, only a male can do it and masturbation would be required to make the donation. Is this suggesting that masturbation is not a sin? Perhaps not, but perhaps not. The link "38.6.9" puts this in the context of decisions regarding sperm dissemination be reserved to married couples only.

In the context given, I can see why it would be strongly discouraged. Sperm and ovum donation has the potential of creating a family history quagmire for the child born through this medium, but that it is only “strongly discouraged” and not considered an action that would affect membership or even temple worthiness does make reason stare at any church cultural taboos around masturbation in marriage.

I looked up masturbation in the current missionary interview questions, guidelines for grounds for missionary to be returned from a mission, and this general handbook for masturbation’s effect on worthiness and found almost nothing. The only mention I found of masturbation itself was in 36.2.4.1, which is under items that a membership council is not held for.

Do these omissions suddenly mean the church has relaxed its standards regarding masturbation?  No.  Masturbation is not a cut and dry issue that a Law of Moses type of moral policy can be created for. To do so would come to close to claiming sexual foreplay in marriage (aka masturbation) would be a sin – which the leaders of the Church have been clear that it is not. There isn’t just one type of masturbation, as I spoke about in my article The Seven Types of Masturbation. - https://eternalmarriagebed.blogspot.com/2017/11/the-seven-types-of-masturbation.html

Someone may ask, if masturbation outside of a tool used inside a married sexual relationship is immoral and affects worthiness, why isn’t it in the baptism, missionary or temple interview questions? It is!

In his talk “Pornography” Elder Dallin H Oaks alluded to this principle when he said “Some have suggested that [profane erotica] should be a separate question in the temple recommend interview. It is already. At least five different questions should elicit a confession and discussion on this subject if the person being interviewed has the spiritual sensitivity and honesty we expect of those who worship in the house of the Lord.” (Pornography, Gen Con. Apr. 2005)

The” For the Strength of Youth” pamphlet clearly points out that arousing sexual feeling in our own bodies when we are “unmarried” is breaking the law of chastity. I always found this a wise distinction - especially when considering the touching, scratching, grooming, medicating, lotioning or washing the sexual parts of our bodies – these activities should never be conflated with masturbation. Yet, many members of the Church of Jesus Christ mistakenly do.

Multiple talks by general authorities, including President Spencer W. Kimball, have been given on the spiritually destructive nature of masturbation outside of marriage. Even secular teachers such as Dr. John Gray and evangelical minister Mark Gungor have spoken on the detrimental effects psychologically and to relationships that masturbation has on an individual. They describe how this practice weakens an individual morally, emotionally and spiritually.  

There is no scientific support of course, because science has never been able to develop a scientific method to measure the spiritual or the influence of the Holy Ghost as a guide to breaking God’s laws. So, we should take care not to base or question our faith on the ever-changing standards of science and secular philosophy.

When it comes to masturbation and how it affects worthiness, it is wise to seek out all that has been written on it by the church’s general authorities and to follow the Holy Ghost’s guidance, as well as the spirit of why we respect the sacredness of sexuality and the context of the general authority's talk. We keep our expressions of sex sacred to earn God’s trust with sacred things, so he can entrust us with more, and to maintain spiritual peace in ourselves and our marriages. After all, a goal of marriage is to be able to keep having sex in a happy marriage for eternity, and to get this, we have to demonstrate we can be trusted to treat our sexuality as sacred.

Podcast#4 Is It Porn or Is It Safe For My Marriage?

Join me LDS Sex Coach Sam Zaragoza as my wife and I address sexuality concerns specifically for married members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Today we answer a reader's question about how to know what and where is a safe way to get sexual instructional materials for his temple marriage without crossing the line into "pornography" and creating worthiness issues.