In reply to your question kg6mvx:
"Is it possible that some expressions of sexuality are wholesome and loving between one couple, but not another?"
Indeed it is! :0) We have been counseled to live by the Spirit of the law and not the letter of the law. This is especially true when it comes to sexuality between a husband and wife. Husbands and wives are free to make decisions sexually as a couple. We learn about these types of decisions through the example of Adam and Eve. God gave them commandments, but he also gave them the ability to choose. The choices may have come with consequences, but it wasn't necessarily a bad choice. The important thing was that they did their best to follow the Spirit and make the choice together.
When I was a newlywed, my wife and I were the members who had been raised on the "thou shalt not" version of the law of chastity, but were never taught what was okay to do in marriage. Being newly married, we thought "well...now what?" What is okay sexually and what isn't?
My stake president at the time was in my ward. He was an elderly gentleman who had been a member his whole life. When it came to law of chastity issues, he had seen it all. He is now a mission president.
Anyhow, I expressed my concern about not knowing which resources were ok to teach us about sexuality and not knowing what is okay and not okay in marriage. He told me, " We cannot tell you what you can or cannot do sexually in your marriage. Learn it, try it out,. If you as a couple spiritually feel good about it - it's okay. If you don't feel spiritually good about it or if it drives you apart, don't do it anymore." We're still worthy because we practiced it in marriage. Unworthiness comes when we know it's wrong and continue to do it.
Do be aware that what doesn't work for one couple doesn't mean it won't work for another. I believe this is why we don't have a letter of the law on this issue. People are individuals. Each are unique physically, are at different levels of progression and have different needs. As an example to illustrate this, I hate eating liver. It's repulsive to me, but for others they may love it. I believe we can look at sex in marriage the same way. I believe we don't need to make sex in marriage an ethnocentric issue - believing that what is good for you is good for everybody as well, or that your way is always the best way.
The nice thing is, if a certain practice done in marriage feels wrong, it's between you and the lord. You don't have to confess to your bishop. Sexual transgression to be confessed to your bishop are those done outside of those with our spouse.
Having clear resources on how to have sex - from LDS resources - wouldn't hurt either. There's too much porn out there disguised as sex education material. I and other members are working on remedying that however. :0)
marriage bed symbol
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Friday, October 1, 2010
DO YOU WEAR A RELATIONSHIP PARACHUTE?
If you’ve ever made the statement in your mind “if my spouse ever does/doesn’t do this, I’ll divorce him/her” then you may have placed that parachute on your back.
Being married means being unified; being one. We set a relationship up for failure when we get married with the idea that “If I get tired of them, bored with them, or they don't meet my expectations for the "ideal" I could always divorce them.”
This may sound like a terrible way to think, but many consciously and subconsciously do.
When Latter-Day Saints get married it is intended to be for time and ALL eternity. This means that when we get married, our spouse’s problems, former abuse issues, parental issues, habits, addictions, communication weaknesses, etc…are now our problem too.
“Then we’ll just wait to get married until I know everything about my future spouse…”
There is a good chance this will not be possible. We cannot know all the issues before you marry. You can date someone for decades, and you won’t see everything you’re getting into before marriage. Some issues don’t even present themselves until after marriage begins. But why try? It’s a grab bag. We get what we get and it’s what we do with what we’ve got that counts. From what I've learned, we have a responsibility to work together as a couple (or at least be willing to) to resolve these issues.
This includes problems as large as adultery. Many members of the church may not be aware of this, but a first- time adultery offense may not necessarily be an excommunicatable offense. Doctrine and Covenants 42: 24-26 teaches us this.
“Thou shalt not commit adultery; and he that committeth
has committed adultery and repents with all his heart, and forsaketh
it, and doeth it no more, thou shalt forgive; But if he doeth it
again, he shall not be forgiven, but shall be cast out.“
Too many of us are in the one-strike-you’re-out frame of mind – i.e. “If my spouse has an emotional affair or a sexual one I will divorce them instantly.” If we continue to adopt this culturally-conditioned mindset, we may all find ourselves divorced eventually. In this paradox, if we then remarry, it will likely be to someone who has had an affair or been tempted to have one.
A temptation to have an affair (emotionally or physically) or first-time sexual affair is a symptom of a deeper problem in the marital relationship. Poor communication, trust, childhood abuse issues or trauma, incorrect education about appropriate sexual behavior in marriage, lack of intimacy, sexless marriage, addiction are some of many factors that have and could contribute to a spouse having an affair.
I suppose we always have the option to pull our parachute and escape, or we could do what the scriptures say - forgive, talk to your spouse about it, get counseling, and work through the problem together. It’s hard and it’s awkward, but this is part of being married.
“But my spouse isn’t willing to make the effort to make it work. What do I do?”
I’m not saying there are no good reasons for ending a marriage, because I believe there certainly are. I’m also not saying that everything will be perfect right away if you start communicating and working together. The hard truth is, if one or the other or both refuse to be united and refuse to do whatever it takes to make the marriage work, then they don’t have a marriage. If we allow ourselves to separate in our hearts and thoughts, we run a great risk of eventually become physically, permanently separate as well.
“A house divided against itself cannot stand.” – Abraham Lincoln
“I say unto you, be one; and if ye are not one ye are not mine.” – D&C 38:27
“But what if we go through counseling and do all we can to solve the problems and my spouse has an affair again?”
As the Doctrine and Covenants says, they must be cast out if they do it again. However, once an affair or addiction or whatever the problem has been treated, it could happen again. It’s not like getting a shot and it’s all fixed. The temptation will likely be with you for the rest of both of your lives, and relapses are to be expected in the learning process. Thus the temptation will need to be managed for the rest of your lives.
I’m not saying that serial cheaters should be trusted over and over again. I have learned that there are no single steps to problems such as adultery. No one wakes up one morning and says to themselves, “I’m going to go and have sex with the neighbor today.” There are a series of steps from fidelity to committing adultery. Each of those steps should be consciously managed.
If a person relapses into a single step or steps (such as spouses not talking to each other or keeping secrets, flirting, lusting after someone other than the spouse, etc.), then both need to become aware that they’ve violated that step, try to identify the triggers, and develop defenses together against those trigger thoughts and behaviors.
Psychologists today are learning that they have to take a different approach if they are to helping people completely overcome incorrect behavior by helping the patients understand that relapse is part of the recovery process:
“Falling off the wagon…doesn’t mean total defeat. In fact, relapse is the best teacher on the road to recovery…The slide back into addiction can be reversed, but it has multiple stations of a journey.”[i]
The good news is that you can grow closer by working on your problems together; no matter how difficult they may seem. The chances of adultery happening again when you’re both working on the problems together are much lower than struggling alone.
Consider using this dialogue or one similar to it when you need to address a temptation together:
Wife: Honey there’s this man at work who I feel really attracted to.
Husband: Oh yeah? Tell me about it.
Wife: (Describe the situation) I don’t know why I feel so attracted to him. I only want to be attracted to you.
Husband: (ask questions) Are you not attracted to me anymore?
Wife: I’m still attracted to you. I just have these really strong feelings for him and I don’t know why.
Husband: Have you told him how you feel?
Husband: Have you told him how you feel?
Wife: No!
Husband: Good. I’ve felt attraction for other women. Just because we are married doesn’t mean our attraction mechanisms stop working.
Wife: I know that.
Husband: What do you need? What can I do to help you? (Go on to work out some strategies for dealing with the attraction)
As husbands and wives, our goal should be to become comfortable enough with each other to discuss anything. Open, honest communication engenders trust and strengthens our bonds. It makes us truly one and an eternal unit.
“A husband must have no private, hidden agenda that is kept secret from his wife. Sharing everything about each other’s personal life is powerful spiritual insurance.”[ii]
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
I'd Like To Hear From You
Hello everyone!
I hope you have enjoyed what you have read so far and found it helpful.
Some of my readers may not be aware that there is a "comments" link at the bottom of each article.
Feel free to leave your thoughts, comments, concerns, or any insights you'd like to add.
Also feel free to email me any questions you don't want to be made public at samzaragoza@sbcglobal.net
Thank you for reading and allowing me to help you have a happy and healthy marriage.
Sincerely,
Sam Zaragoza
LDS Marriage and Family Coach
I hope you have enjoyed what you have read so far and found it helpful.
Some of my readers may not be aware that there is a "comments" link at the bottom of each article.
Feel free to leave your thoughts, comments, concerns, or any insights you'd like to add.
Also feel free to email me any questions you don't want to be made public at samzaragoza@sbcglobal.net
Thank you for reading and allowing me to help you have a happy and healthy marriage.
Sincerely,
Sam Zaragoza
LDS Marriage and Family Coach
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Why Harder Feels Better - Avoiding the Double Standard Conclusion
Sexual activity between a husband and wife can be compared to fire in the fireplace. Fire by nature is extremely dangerous. It destroys, but used in the proper place it cooks your food, can be used to make tools, and warms your home. Sparks from that fire sent outside of the fireplace can cause untold damage if left unchecked.
Using profane erotica in all its forms is a fire ignited outside of the fireplace. Done often enough, the habit of starting the fire outside the fireplace is formed and damage will inevitably occur.
We still need sexual stimuli to become aroused with our marriage partner. Over time, that original infatuation boost we had from falling in love and first being married, fades as we move into the more subdued relationship phase of our marriage. Male and female porn would appear to be a quick and safe boost to jump-start our sexual engines, but they are artificial and train our minds to rely on them rather than our spouse for sexual arousal. This leads to not being able to become aroused or reach orgasm with our spouse unless we first self-medicate with porn. It can also result in dissatisfaction with our spouse.
Male and female profane erotica are both relationship separators. A woman who reads romance novels before sex, and then calls her husband wicked for watching profane erotica before sex, is living a double standard.
Turning your attention to your spouse or trying to visualize your spouse in place of the hero or heroine after indulging in male or female profane erotica is an insufficient justification for using it because of the programming that takes place in our bodies and in our minds. The artificial stimuli replace the natural use of and desire for the spouse. Chemicals such as delta FosB and dopamine that are released in the brain while watching or reading profane erotica can “permanently alter brain chemistry.”
If actions like masturbation are introduced, profane erotica addiction is reinforced – “Neurons that fire together wire together.”[i]
To understand what appropriate sexual stimuli are, we need to understand the difference between intimacy and lust. Intimacy is not lust, but intimacy is sexually stimulating.
Lust is a feeling of being out of control, covetous, possessive, obsessive, and jealous or angry if one doesn’t get what they want. Lust is rebellious.
“There is a great difference between love and lust. Pure love yields happiness and engenders trust. It is the foundation of eternal joy. Lust will destroy that which is enriching and beautiful.”[ii]
Intimacy is two people being close, affectionate, unselfish, and willing to gain a deep understanding of the other person’s emotional and sexual wants and needs. It can be very sexually stimulating when a married couple works together to develop intimacy. It will edify and strengthen the bonds between a husband and wife. This is what God intended for marriage to be since the days of Adam.
Why don’t more people work to build intimacy if the outcome is so great?
The risk or threat of rejection or pain in the real relationship drives people to the “safer” and “easier” haven of profane erotica. It’s ironic that people will spend hours indulging in profane erotica when the same amount of time (or less) could be spent in intimacy-building activities that give much more rewarding results.
If care is taken to meet each others’ needs, a husband and wife won’t need external sexual stimuli to be aroused to each other. There are good books written that help a husband and wife explore their sexuality with each other. In the process of practicing these intimacy skills, sexual arousal will happen. We can trust that our bodies and our minds will function the way they were designed to. If they do not, seek medical attention or other appropriate professional evaluations.
But she/he is so different…I don’t know if I’ll ever understand her/him…
Thomas Moore, the author of “The Soul of Sex” said “the idea of having a sex partner is having someone who’s different from you, and that means if you’re a man and you’re with a woman or vice versa, to try and get to know what it’s like to be this other gender.”
Marriage is a journey of sexual discovery and it’s meant by God to be taken together as husband and wife. [iii] If a man or a woman has a sexual or emotional void that should be filled by the spouse and is not, that person is most vulnerable to the draw of romance novels or profane erotica. To the disillusioned spouse, the romance novel or sexually defiling video seems to fill that hole in their intimate relationship. That’s a symptom that the relationship needs to be addressed and corrective steps need to be taken so that that emptiness is being filled by the spouse and not by the male or female P.E.
“But my spouse absolutely refuses to work with me…”
“If every husband and every wife would constantly do whatever might be possible to ensure the comfort and happiness of his or her companion, there would be very little, if any, divorce. Argument would never be heard. Accusations would never be leveled. Angry explosions would not occur. Rather, love and concern would replace abuse and meanness.”[iv]
The emotional void can be filled if the spouse is willing to communicate and help, but if the spouse is unwilling to learn how to fill the other person’s needs, then some stronger decisions may have to be considered, but all I can offer is this advice from Gordon B. Hinckley:
“Marriage is beautiful when beauty is looked for and cultivated. It can be ugly and uncomfortable when one is looking for faults and is blinded to virtue. As Edgar A. Guest once remarked, “It takes a heap o’ livin’ in a house t’ make it home.” (“Home,” in Collected Verse of Edgar A. Guest, Chicago: Reilly and Lee Co., 1934, p. 12.) That is true. I can show you throughout this church hundreds of thousands of families who make it work with love and peace, discipline and honesty, concern and unselfishness.
There must be recognition on the part of both husband and wife of the solemnity and sanctity of marriage and of the God-given design behind it.
There must be a willingness to overlook small faults, to forgive, and then to forget.
There must be a holding of one’s tongue. Temper is a vicious and corrosive thing that destroys affection and casts out love.
There must be self-discipline that constrains against abuse of wife and children and self. There must be the Spirit of God, invited and worked for, nurtured and strengthened. There must be recognition of the fact that each is a child of God—father, mother, son, and daughter, each with a divine birthright—and also recognition of the fact that when we offend one of these, we offend our Father in Heaven.
There may be now and again a legitimate cause for divorce. I am not one to say that it is never justified. But I say without hesitation that this plague among us, which seems to be growing everywhere, is not of God, but rather is the work of the adversary of righteousness and peace and truth…You need not be his victims. You can rise above his wiles and entreaties. Get rid of the titillating entertainment, the pornography that leads to evil desires and reprehensible activity.
Wives, look upon your husbands as your precious companions and live worthy of that association. Husbands, see in your wives your most valued asset in time or eternity, each a daughter of God, a partner with whom you can walk hand in hand, through sunshine and storm, through all the perils and triumphs of life[v]”
Remember that the Lord is the third party in your marriage as well. We all come across inflexible situations of one kind or another in life, and in marriage. It’s your decision whether or not to leave, or to manage the situation. Turn to the Lord for help, and use the Spirit to determine the right course of action for you to take to improve the situation. Outside sources of advice can sometimes only take you so far.
Turning to profane erotic material to “keep the peace” and avoid discussing the emotional need only becomes a facade to cover deeper issues. It can also lead to deeper problems such as addiction and adultery. Nowhere have studies shown that it improves a relationship over long-term use.
This is part of the adventure of being married. It is a journey both take together to learn about each other. Relax and take your time; it is never a race. Filling each others' needs is also something that can only be learned through communication and time spent together.
Appropriate romantic entertainment (i.e. plays, books, videos, etc) is that which helps you have a greater appreciation for your spouse and family. It will depict life and morals instead of a moral vacuum without consequences. Whether meant for men or women, profane erotic material is harmful and should be passed up. Married couples have the opportunity to turn towards and be grateful for each other, rather than indulging in P.E. and encountering dissatisfaction - wishing for a spouse that was “that way.”
[i] Miller, Max. “Is Your Brain Addicted to Porn?”, Big Think, 17 September 2010. http://bigthink.com/ideas/24030
[ii] Scott, Richard G. “The Sanctity of Womanhood.” Ensign, May 2000
[iii] D&C 49:15-17, 1Cor. 7: 2-5, D&C 42:22
[iv] Hinckley, Gordon B. “The Women in Our Lives” Ensign, Nov 2004
[v] Hinckley, Gordon B. “What God Hath Joined Together”, Ensign, May 1991
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Conquering Gender Prejudice In Marriage: Avoiding the Double Standard Part III
WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred sexual nature and is intended for married couples only. Viewer discretion is advised.
One of the greatest quandaries a married sexual relationship faces is to understand what turns the other spouse on. If uneducated, husbands are left to assume their wife has the same sex drive and desires as he does. Pornography is written to play on this comfortable sexual prejudice, and visually trains a man’s mind by showing women as having the same aggressive drive as he does. This is easy to understand as porn is mostly written by men from a male perspective to appeal to what men want to see.
Consider the example of the first married couple, Adam and Eve. Commanded to multiply and replenish the earth, Adam was satisfied in the garden, fulfilling his male sexual cycle, while Eve was able to complete her part of the sexual cycle and unsatisfied enough to be tempted by the possibility of becoming like God. We learn further in the Pearl of Great Price that one of the primary reasons why they partook of the fruit was so that Eve could have children, thus fulfilling her sexual cycle. [i]
To conquer this barrier of our sex drive differences we must first understand how men and women are the same sexually, and the importance of relationship roles. Women need time to get aroused. Don’t men get aroused at the drop of a hat? Single men do, and so do single women. Without a regular sexual outlet, skin hunger and sexual appetites are allowed to develop to their most intense levels. When men find a woman that they are attracted to and the female reciprocates his desires, she then becomes “the girlfriend”. The girlfriend is the person who looks at him with desire, accepts his advances and makes him feel desirable. She is someone who focuses on him when they are together and someone he can focus his affections on.
Men are not better than women; they are different. Women are not better than men; they are different. This cannot be emphasized enough if we are to get away from sexual prejudice and gender-centrism, and come to a united understanding and appreciation of each other as human beings and children of our Heavenly Father. Just because we are different does not mean we are incompatible. We can take turns meeting the emotional and sexual needs of our spouse. Make it a game. Have fun with it. With loving communication, cooperation and acceptance, we can find common ground and keep that divine love alive that we felt from the beginning of our relationship.
One of the greatest quandaries a married sexual relationship faces is to understand what turns the other spouse on. If uneducated, husbands are left to assume their wife has the same sex drive and desires as he does. Pornography is written to play on this comfortable sexual prejudice, and visually trains a man’s mind by showing women as having the same aggressive drive as he does. This is easy to understand as porn is mostly written by men from a male perspective to appeal to what men want to see.
Conversely, the same is true for female pornography except from the perspective of a female and what drives her sexually. The sex drive and what arouses each are as alien to the other - as John Gray coined - as Mars and Venus. An understanding of the differences between men and women – specifically, their different sexual cycles, the arousal process, and their relationship modes and how to move between them – is critical in order to have enough of a working understanding of the opposite gender that will break the barriers of prejudice.
“He/She was so different before we got married…”
I believe the seeds of gender prejudice are sown in the dating process. Single, hormonally driven, sexually curious, lonely, infatuated or in love, a woman can appear to have the same sex drive as a male. Once sexually satiated after marriage or giving birth, her true psychological and biological arousal characteristics and sexual desires are allowed to manifest themselves. From the female perspective, the pre-marriage boyfriend is romantic and attentive. Once married, he settles into his natural tendencies of relating sexually to his new wife. He has reached his goal of doing what it took to get a wife and reasons to himself, “Why do I have to keep romancing and dating her? I’ve already won my wife. Now we are free to express our love through sex.”
Both of these are the natural inclinations of a married relationship, and neither are wrong or abnormal or perverse. They are just different. When a couple gets married, they move from a highly emotionally-charged state into a comfortable 98.6-degree state with each other. This is normal and natural and what should happen. Trouble in this state starts when either gender starts taking the other for granted. When either spouse harbors gender-centrisms (believing the way your sex/gender feels about sexuality is superior or more correct than what the other sex/gender has exhibited), this is where they will come out.
To provide for and sustain a satisfying marital sexual life in the long term, a husband and wife must adapt and learn how to build and maintain what makes their spouse feel loved emotionally and sexually. One way the husband accomplishes this task is by communicating with her to learn what she needs to be aroused and loved (no matter how strange or un-arousing it may sound), then do it. Likewise, a wife must also nurture and care for her married sex life by not rejecting her husband's idea of sex and allowing him to initiate the sexual process with her. She does this by communicating with him to learn what makes him feel loved sexually and (no matter how strange or un-arousing it may sound), be prepared to receive it or postpone it in a way that won't make him feel unloved or rejected.
Understanding the Sexual Cycles of each Gender
Men and women have different sexual cycles. For the husband, his sexual cycle begins with arousal and is completed with the satisfaction of orgasm and the renewal of the love and intimacy he shares with his wife.
The woman’s sexual cycle extends much further out than the man’s, both in time and in complication. For the woman, she receives pleasure and satisfaction from the arousal and orgasm cycle that is (in itself) unique to the man’s, but since childbearing is also part of the full sexual (procreative) process, her full sexual cycle is not realized until she births children.
In fact, it has been discovered that during a natural (non-drug) birthing process as the child is expelled from the vagina, the woman's body is flooded with a mixture of the same chemicals released at orgasm (dopamine, oxytocin, norepinephrine , phenethylamine) - making it possible for her to have a similar rush as a man experiences when he has an orgasm. If trained in natural birthing techniques, many women can experience this and have. (Steve Buonaugurio, Pregnant In America)
In fact, it has been discovered that during a natural (non-drug) birthing process as the child is expelled from the vagina, the woman's body is flooded with a mixture of the same chemicals released at orgasm (dopamine, oxytocin, norepinephrine , phenethylamine) - making it possible for her to have a similar rush as a man experiences when he has an orgasm. If trained in natural birthing techniques, many women can experience this and have. (Steve Buonaugurio, Pregnant In America)
Consider the example of the first married couple, Adam and Eve. Commanded to multiply and replenish the earth, Adam was satisfied in the garden, fulfilling his male sexual cycle, while Eve was able to complete her part of the sexual cycle and unsatisfied enough to be tempted by the possibility of becoming like God. We learn further in the Pearl of Great Price that one of the primary reasons why they partook of the fruit was so that Eve could have children, thus fulfilling her sexual cycle. [i]
We see signs of this today, in looking at the incredible lengths women will go to in order to have children. They will try awkward and painful artificial insemination, or go through long and emotionally wrenching adoption processes when they are unable to bear children naturally, because the fulfillment of the woman’s sexual cycle can be just as compelling a drive to a woman as seeking out sexual gratification through intercourse is to a man.
Understanding the Arousal Cycle
A man feels loved when his genitals are acknowledged and stimulated. He therefore may associate love with how she views his genitals. Phrases that would illustrate this for him are “You’re so big”, “You feel so good inside me when we make love”; “I like having you inside me”, “I love your penis”, etc. When his genitals are stimulated he feels loved, appreciated and desired, because she is accepting him into the most loving and nurturing place he can imagine - her vagina. This sounds very foreign and silly to females, but it is very real and emotionally important for him.
The opposite is true for females. A female associates love with relationships and emotions. When her heart is emotionally touched, she becomes aroused and then desires her sexual spots touched, and not before. The cycle then must begin with the woman’s heart, because he won’t get what he wants (passionate reception into the vagina) until he does. To men, this is very foreign, but to women, it’s the right way to have sex, and it’s very much an emotional reality for her.
Again, the cycle goes: the man touches the woman’s heart which makes her feel loved, which makes her feel aroused which leads to her desiring to be physically close to him and accepting of his penis inside her. The man then has intercourse with her which makes him feel loved, which touches his heart, which leads to him expressing his honest feelings of love for her, which touches her heart and therefore completes one instance of the cycle of intimacy for both spouses. [ii]
Relationship Roles and How They Affect Sex
To conquer this barrier of our sex drive differences we must first understand how men and women are the same sexually, and the importance of relationship roles. Women need time to get aroused. Don’t men get aroused at the drop of a hat? Single men do, and so do single women. Without a regular sexual outlet, skin hunger and sexual appetites are allowed to develop to their most intense levels. When men find a woman that they are attracted to and the female reciprocates his desires, she then becomes “the girlfriend”. The girlfriend is the person who looks at him with desire, accepts his advances and makes him feel desirable. She is someone who focuses on him when they are together and someone he can focus his affections on.
When a man and woman first marry, in general they enjoy a season of being together, satiating their sexual desires, bonding and establishing their married relationship in their husband and wife roles. As time goes on, this relationship evolves into a different form, as each spouse has additional roles added within this relationship.
For the man, he begins with the keys of a boyfriend and after marriage obtains the keys and responsibilities of the husband. When the children come, the keys and responsibilities of father are added. For the woman, she likewise begins with the keys and benefits of girlfriend. After marriage and children she obtains the additional keys and responsibilities of wife and then mother.
Neither the man nor the woman can effectively wear all three of these hats at the same time, and each role they fill has its own rules and method of communicating. The mother, for example, would not speak and behave with her children the way a girlfriend behaves with her boyfriend. Likewise, a father should not relate with his children like a boyfriend relates to a girlfriend.
A man’s brain (due to the low levels of estrogen – the neuron building chemical – in his brain during development in the womb)[iii] is organized into compartments and the connections between them are not as strong as those found in females. This allows men to focus, but it’s harder for him to shift from one mode of communication to another. It makes it easier for him to get out of his logical brain and be in the primitive sex part of his brain.
Females’ brains are strongly interconnected and process more than one thought quickly , but they will tend to get comfortable in a certain mode (mostly wife or mother, because a lot of time is spent there) and will need some time and stimulus to re-channel that mode to be in girlfriend mode or into the sexual function of her brain. She will especially lean more toward being comfortable in mother-mode because, as reaching orgasm and ejaculation is the sexual goal and fulfillment of the male sexual cycle, motherhood is the sexual drive biologically and the fulfillment of the female sexual cycle. Just as the body floods a males body with reward chemicals when he ejaculates, a mother is flooded with reward chemicals when she gives birth and when nurturing her children.
Females’ brains are strongly interconnected and process more than one thought quickly , but they will tend to get comfortable in a certain mode (mostly wife or mother, because a lot of time is spent there) and will need some time and stimulus to re-channel that mode to be in girlfriend mode or into the sexual function of her brain. She will especially lean more toward being comfortable in mother-mode because, as reaching orgasm and ejaculation is the sexual goal and fulfillment of the male sexual cycle, motherhood is the sexual drive biologically and the fulfillment of the female sexual cycle. Just as the body floods a males body with reward chemicals when he ejaculates, a mother is flooded with reward chemicals when she gives birth and when nurturing her children.
If he is in the mood to be romantic and in the mood for a girlfriend, and his wife is settled permanently in her mother mode, the untrained husband may get frustrated and become tempted to look for a “girlfriend” outside of the marriage. When he watches porn, the actress looks at him like a girlfriend does, or he can at least become aroused by watching her get aroused. Over time, he will begin to feel that it’s too hard to get the wife or mother to get aroused. He may turn to porn and to masturbation to “keep the peace”. Although this is detrimental to a relationship (not to mention a man's spirituality and worthiness), it is an all too common justification. The only cure to ending this destructive sexual cycle is to end gender prejudice though education about each genders sexual personas.
The wife has achieved her full sexual goal in motherhood, but must keep in mind her husband’s sexual cycle as well. It would be abusive in marriage for a wife to undermine, ridicule and reject his biological needs because they do not match hers. Ex. “He’s such a pervert because he wants sex all the time” would demonstrate this lack of understanding and sexual prejudice.Likewise " She's frigid, she's such a prude. She never wants sex." Would exemplify his gender prejudice due to his lack of knowledge about her sexual persona.
If only he were to understand that to learn his wife's sexual persona, he could unlock a sexual tigress just waiting to be awakened. Her mind cannot be switched from one mental compartment to another. It is a raging river that must be channeled to her sexual brain. That takes time and skill.
If only he were to understand that to learn his wife's sexual persona, he could unlock a sexual tigress just waiting to be awakened. Her mind cannot be switched from one mental compartment to another. It is a raging river that must be channeled to her sexual brain. That takes time and skill.
After giving birth, a wife may feel content in the fulfillment of her creation and deny her husband sex for long seasons. To do so would be the same as the husband thinking that the goal for his wife is to reach orgasm and that she should be content with this and never let her bear children. It’s not bad for her to be in mommy mode, but it is unbalanced in a married sexual relationship for a wife to stay stuck in this mode perpetually and ignore the sexual cycle of the husband.
Projecting your sex’s sexual cycle on the opposite gender will always result in frustration. It’s actually damning to us and our marriage relationship to stay in one mode and say “This is who I am. Why does he/she not accept me for who I am?” In order to progress emotionally, we must be flexible enough to move from one mode to another. Being married means to progress. It means being able to be flexible. It means learning to shift around in multiple modes effectively: girlfriend/boyfriend, wife/husband, provider/home manager, mother/father, grandmother/grandfather…etc. [iv]
Some may say that they feel insincere playing a role for their spouse; they’d rather be the same way with everyone. That is as unrealistic as saying we relate to our parents the same way we relate to a boss or to a young child. We don’t show all sides of ourselves to everyone, unless we are only willing to relate with everyone at a very shallow, superficial level. In order to deepen communication in a marriage and really gain the intimacy we crave, our spouses are privileged to see a side of ourselves that no one else should see…our sexual side. Our spouses will also see parts of us that others see, but it’s important to keep that sexual side alive for the one person we’ve covenanted to share that with…our husband or wife.
A woman can learn to shift from mother to girlfriend, but she needs help. A husband who understands this can create circumstances to get her back into girlfriend mode and thus allow the arousal cycle to begin.
From Mark Gungor’s arousal model[v] we can conclude that if a man wants to get his wife into girlfriend mode, he must create circumstances that allow her to shift from wife or mother mode to girlfriend mode. She must also be aware of his sexual needs and allow him to begin the process. Here she has the power to shut him down, but, at the hazard of rejecting him. Like an object that shocks you when you touch it, a man will only tolerate this rejection so many times before he stops trying and either turns to celibacy or looks for other sexual or intimacy sources that won’t reject him.
He must also do things to make her feel loved. A man’s sex drive and natural inclination to be the initiator motivates him to do this for her. He, however, must learn how. No man is born knowing how to be romantic or how to meet the emotional needs of a female. Sometimes, a female knows she needs to be romanced first to be aroused, but may not know how to communicate it. Communication and experimentation is in order here. Each person is different in what they respond to.
“Neither the man without the woman, nor the woman without the man, in the Lord”
Men are not better than women; they are different. Women are not better than men; they are different. This cannot be emphasized enough if we are to get away from sexual prejudice and gender-centrism, and come to a united understanding and appreciation of each other as human beings and children of our Heavenly Father. Just because we are different does not mean we are incompatible. We can take turns meeting the emotional and sexual needs of our spouse. Make it a game. Have fun with it. With loving communication, cooperation and acceptance, we can find common ground and keep that divine love alive that we felt from the beginning of our relationship.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Why Female Profane Erotica is Considered More Benign Than Male Profane Erotica - Avoiding the Double Standard Part II
Historically, ignorance breeds prejudice. In other words, when people don’t take the time to educate themselves on what the truth is, they rely on cultural conditioning or environment to set the definition of what the truth is, whether true or not.
This tendency also works with sexuality. If a person is sexually ignorant about their bodies or the bodies of the opposite gender, then their understanding of themselves and the other sex must rely on prejudice.
Our cultural paradigm among Christians (at large in the United States) of what is immoral comes primarily from the early Christian model and scriptural historical perspective of what immorality is. (Duggan, Sex and the Celts) Both are from a predominantly male perspective of what is sexually immoral. Whenever lust or immoral thoughts are ever mentioned in the scriptures, it’s more often directed at the men, and lust is never given in a positive context. (see 1 John 2: 16-17; Rom 1:24, 27; Matt 5:28)
The belief about lust was transformed by puritanical thinking into meaning anything sexual; any sexual desires whether married or not is evil. This teaching about male sexual feelings was passed from generation to generation over thousands of years and leaves today’s males standing with the resolve that to fill the measure of their creation, they must give in to evil.
To understand what God truly intended for humans and sexuality, we must look closer at the human body and recognize that both males and females are sexual beings, and the sexual process for both begins in the brain.
The limbic system of our brain has the job of recording anything that is associated with sexual arousal. When the wind blows through our hair, signals are sent to our limbic system where the question is asked, “Is this sexy?” If we have had a prior sexual experience where the wind was blowing through our hair, the answer cataloged in our limbic brain would be “yes”. A series of other events would then take place in our bodies giving us the feeling that this sensation is arousing and part of sex; time to get ready for sex.
Dr. Helen Fisher in the documentary “Science of the Sexes” makes the observation that from the very tip of the hair on our head to the very tip of our toenails, our physical and mental makeup is made up of sexual mechanisms. These mechanisms help our brain to know what is sexually arousing and when to tell our bodies to get ready for sex and send the chemicals that motivate us to take part in the full sensation and pleasure of sexual response.
From development in the womb, males and females’ brains are created and wired differently. This difference extends to how each view sex and what each considers sexually arousing. What is consistent between the sexes is that both need a sexual stimulus to become aroused even though the stimulus used is unique for each gender.
In our culture, anything that can be defined as male sexual stimuli (MSS) is defined as "porn." However, given the necessity of female sexual stimuli (FSS), then anything that is FSS must also be defined as "porn." Unfortunately, our definition of porn is based upon the historically male perspective of MSS which clouds the morality of FSS.
Men do not find FSS sexually arousing. In fact, they find it benign, boring, or dumb. Many culturally subscribe to the belief that anything that turns a woman on to sex is “a good thing”.
On the other side of the coin, traditional MSS is viewed as gross, immoral, degradation, destructive and sinful. The question is, can FSS be just as immoral, destructive and sinful as MSS if we allow our paradigm of FSS to change?
This FSS is illusive because it’s harder to define. Oliver Wendell Holmes said of pornography that he knew it when he saw it, but such is not the case for pornography designed for females, because it isn’t visual. Both Mark Gungor and Dr. Helen Fisher agree that MSS & FSS are different because of how the brains of each gender are designed.
From “Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage”, Christian marriage expert Mark Gungor explains that the male brain is compartmentalized. This allows the male to focus on any one subject. It makes him purpose-oriented. He mentally seeks to reach a goal or accomplish a task.
When a male entertains a film of a sex act, these images are stored and processed in a compartment. When viewing, he can stay in that compartment and become lost in that compartment for hours because it focuses him on the goal of penetrating and pleasuring female sexual organs.
Because of the indefinability of what exactly "pornography" is, I suggest the use of the term "Profane Erotica (P.E.) instead. See Latter-Day Saints Take Pleasure in Sacred Erotica.
Similar to cocaine, profane erotica triggers the same part of the brain that is activated when one falls in love. This part of the brain works in conjunction with another part of the brain that floods the body with dopamine when the male ejaculates. The problem is, he gets that high but never reaches climax or release of any kind. It is continuous and non-stop stimulation of the dopamine part of his brain.
As the male continues to watch P.E., the dopamine part of the brain becomes overworked and the body desensitized. He must watch more and for longer to get the same high. When masturbation is introduced, the limbic system of the brain in conjunction with this “profane erotica compartment” records to the sexual memory that this activity feels good, is sexy, and must be appropriate sexual behavior.” ( Laugh your way to a better marriage Mark Gungor. ; Pornography: Addiction Effects and Ultimate Consequences Dr. Victor Cline)Worse, it trains the body to think “this is sex” and will make it difficult if not impossible to have an ejaculation or even an erection unless P.E. is involved to some degree.
The wife cannot arouse him by her own presence. If she knows this, she is humiliated. The natural sexual cycle between husband and wife becomes broken and the complete intimate connection they could feel together becomes lost. The formula for great sex as demonstrated by Mark Gungor shows that
When a sexual act (i.e. masturbation, fornication, or married intercourse) accompanies the arousing element, her limbic system records to the sexual memory that this activity feels good, and is categorized in her brain as appropriate sexual behavior and therefore FSS.
Again, FSS have not been given as much attention as MSS and has been typically defined as harmless “romance.”
Females are stimulated sexually by several different things. Visually they can be stimulated by a good-looking man, but that by itself is not enough. They need talking. They need to feel attractive. They need to feel safe. They need to feel that the male is happy with them and/or her children.
This stimulus is achieved through male physical appearance, how a man smells, his smile, how he speaks to her (kindly and sincerely), his sense of humor, and being taken to a place, either physically or mentally, that feels safe, without danger, and without consequence. Literature or movies that illustrate these points are described as “romance” and considered of little worth by men because they are not focused on reaching a sexual goal.
Yet, for a woman, these elements are very sexually arousing. They are designed to work sexually with the relationship connective workings of the female brain.
True P.E. will lead to the habit or addiction of relying on books, videos or movies in order to obtain those emotional connections that lead to sexual arousal. This is profane erotica, for men or women, regardless of the vehicle.
Are all romance novels profane erotica? Is it possible that two different women can read the same romance book and one will become obsessed while the other will not? Some say the same thing about gambling or drinking; some can do it without becoming addicted and some can’t. That doesn’t make it morally right to drink or gamble. Obsession over a story character, or video game, or movie series can have its own destructive elements and be completely void of anything sexual.
However, obsession is a different disorder than what we’re talking about here. What’s being defined here is that profane erotica (for men or women) consists of entertainments that are needed and used for sexual arousal.
Some make the argument that visual profane erotica is worse, because it victimizes real people. This is true. Watching profane erotica supports and advocates the destruction of the lives of the actors and actresses involved, as demonstrated by former porn actress, the late Shelley Lubben of the Pink Cross Foundation (www.thepinkcross.org).
What about such entertainments as hentai anime, which could easily be classified as profane erotica by most people’s standards? Because no real people are involved, is this an acceptable sexual stimulus to use in marriage?
The answer is no. Ray Castle's “Manga Mad” spotlights this sexually stimulating side of the popular manga stories of Japan. We have learned from observation of the Japanese culture that this type of entertainment can be just as detrimental as live-action pornography. Both distort a person’s mental, emotional and physical paradigm of what is healthy human sexual behavior.
The Japanese even have a name for the disorder caused by watching hentai. It’s called Moe Otaku (MOE-eh oh-TAH-koo) – an addiction to anime P.E. This addiction has lead to such perversions of healthy sexuality as “marrying” cartoon characters and developing a revulsion or fear of having sex with real people, and preferring sex dolls that are made in the likeness of the anime characters. Anime also mentally links sex acts with violence and with young children.
From these examples, currently all forms of profane erotica distort healthy and righteous sexual behavior. The written can be just as harmful as the visual, and all forms of P.E. need to be recognized for what they are and dealt with appropriately to avoid becoming ensnared.
Some media is safe to be devoured. Others can devour you.
This tendency also works with sexuality. If a person is sexually ignorant about their bodies or the bodies of the opposite gender, then their understanding of themselves and the other sex must rely on prejudice.
Our cultural paradigm among Christians (at large in the United States) of what is immoral comes primarily from the early Christian model and scriptural historical perspective of what immorality is. (Duggan, Sex and the Celts) Both are from a predominantly male perspective of what is sexually immoral. Whenever lust or immoral thoughts are ever mentioned in the scriptures, it’s more often directed at the men, and lust is never given in a positive context. (see 1 John 2: 16-17; Rom 1:24, 27; Matt 5:28)
The belief about lust was transformed by puritanical thinking into meaning anything sexual; any sexual desires whether married or not is evil. This teaching about male sexual feelings was passed from generation to generation over thousands of years and leaves today’s males standing with the resolve that to fill the measure of their creation, they must give in to evil.
To understand what God truly intended for humans and sexuality, we must look closer at the human body and recognize that both males and females are sexual beings, and the sexual process for both begins in the brain.
The limbic system of our brain has the job of recording anything that is associated with sexual arousal. When the wind blows through our hair, signals are sent to our limbic system where the question is asked, “Is this sexy?” If we have had a prior sexual experience where the wind was blowing through our hair, the answer cataloged in our limbic brain would be “yes”. A series of other events would then take place in our bodies giving us the feeling that this sensation is arousing and part of sex; time to get ready for sex.
Dr. Helen Fisher in the documentary “Science of the Sexes” makes the observation that from the very tip of the hair on our head to the very tip of our toenails, our physical and mental makeup is made up of sexual mechanisms. These mechanisms help our brain to know what is sexually arousing and when to tell our bodies to get ready for sex and send the chemicals that motivate us to take part in the full sensation and pleasure of sexual response.
From development in the womb, males and females’ brains are created and wired differently. This difference extends to how each view sex and what each considers sexually arousing. What is consistent between the sexes is that both need a sexual stimulus to become aroused even though the stimulus used is unique for each gender.
In our culture, anything that can be defined as male sexual stimuli (MSS) is defined as "porn." However, given the necessity of female sexual stimuli (FSS), then anything that is FSS must also be defined as "porn." Unfortunately, our definition of porn is based upon the historically male perspective of MSS which clouds the morality of FSS.
Men do not find FSS sexually arousing. In fact, they find it benign, boring, or dumb. Many culturally subscribe to the belief that anything that turns a woman on to sex is “a good thing”.
On the other side of the coin, traditional MSS is viewed as gross, immoral, degradation, destructive and sinful. The question is, can FSS be just as immoral, destructive and sinful as MSS if we allow our paradigm of FSS to change?
This FSS is illusive because it’s harder to define. Oliver Wendell Holmes said of pornography that he knew it when he saw it, but such is not the case for pornography designed for females, because it isn’t visual. Both Mark Gungor and Dr. Helen Fisher agree that MSS & FSS are different because of how the brains of each gender are designed.
From “Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage”, Christian marriage expert Mark Gungor explains that the male brain is compartmentalized. This allows the male to focus on any one subject. It makes him purpose-oriented. He mentally seeks to reach a goal or accomplish a task.
When a male entertains a film of a sex act, these images are stored and processed in a compartment. When viewing, he can stay in that compartment and become lost in that compartment for hours because it focuses him on the goal of penetrating and pleasuring female sexual organs.
Because of the indefinability of what exactly "pornography" is, I suggest the use of the term "Profane Erotica (P.E.) instead. See Latter-Day Saints Take Pleasure in Sacred Erotica.
Similar to cocaine, profane erotica triggers the same part of the brain that is activated when one falls in love. This part of the brain works in conjunction with another part of the brain that floods the body with dopamine when the male ejaculates. The problem is, he gets that high but never reaches climax or release of any kind. It is continuous and non-stop stimulation of the dopamine part of his brain.
As the male continues to watch P.E., the dopamine part of the brain becomes overworked and the body desensitized. He must watch more and for longer to get the same high. When masturbation is introduced, the limbic system of the brain in conjunction with this “profane erotica compartment” records to the sexual memory that this activity feels good, is sexy, and must be appropriate sexual behavior.” ( Laugh your way to a better marriage Mark Gungor. ; Pornography: Addiction Effects and Ultimate Consequences Dr. Victor Cline)Worse, it trains the body to think “this is sex” and will make it difficult if not impossible to have an ejaculation or even an erection unless P.E. is involved to some degree.
The wife cannot arouse him by her own presence. If she knows this, she is humiliated. The natural sexual cycle between husband and wife becomes broken and the complete intimate connection they could feel together becomes lost. The formula for great sex as demonstrated by Mark Gungor shows that
{turned on husband + turned on wife = great sex}. When profane erotica is introduced into the mix you have
{turned on husband + not turned on wife ≠ great sex}Females’ brains are not compartmentalized. All parts of the brain are connected, and a woman spends most of her brain energy in the communication and relationships stream in her brain. When this stream of communication and relationships has an element introduced into it and that element connects this stream with the limbic system by defining it as sexy, that item becomes FSS.
When a sexual act (i.e. masturbation, fornication, or married intercourse) accompanies the arousing element, her limbic system records to the sexual memory that this activity feels good, and is categorized in her brain as appropriate sexual behavior and therefore FSS.
Again, FSS have not been given as much attention as MSS and has been typically defined as harmless “romance.”
Females are stimulated sexually by several different things. Visually they can be stimulated by a good-looking man, but that by itself is not enough. They need talking. They need to feel attractive. They need to feel safe. They need to feel that the male is happy with them and/or her children.
This stimulus is achieved through male physical appearance, how a man smells, his smile, how he speaks to her (kindly and sincerely), his sense of humor, and being taken to a place, either physically or mentally, that feels safe, without danger, and without consequence. Literature or movies that illustrate these points are described as “romance” and considered of little worth by men because they are not focused on reaching a sexual goal.
Yet, for a woman, these elements are very sexually arousing. They are designed to work sexually with the relationship connective workings of the female brain.
True P.E. will lead to the habit or addiction of relying on books, videos or movies in order to obtain those emotional connections that lead to sexual arousal. This is profane erotica, for men or women, regardless of the vehicle.
Are all romance novels profane erotica? Is it possible that two different women can read the same romance book and one will become obsessed while the other will not? Some say the same thing about gambling or drinking; some can do it without becoming addicted and some can’t. That doesn’t make it morally right to drink or gamble. Obsession over a story character, or video game, or movie series can have its own destructive elements and be completely void of anything sexual.
However, obsession is a different disorder than what we’re talking about here. What’s being defined here is that profane erotica (for men or women) consists of entertainments that are needed and used for sexual arousal.
Some make the argument that visual profane erotica is worse, because it victimizes real people. This is true. Watching profane erotica supports and advocates the destruction of the lives of the actors and actresses involved, as demonstrated by former porn actress, the late Shelley Lubben of the Pink Cross Foundation (www.thepinkcross.org).
What about such entertainments as hentai anime, which could easily be classified as profane erotica by most people’s standards? Because no real people are involved, is this an acceptable sexual stimulus to use in marriage?
The answer is no. Ray Castle's “Manga Mad” spotlights this sexually stimulating side of the popular manga stories of Japan. We have learned from observation of the Japanese culture that this type of entertainment can be just as detrimental as live-action pornography. Both distort a person’s mental, emotional and physical paradigm of what is healthy human sexual behavior.
The Japanese even have a name for the disorder caused by watching hentai. It’s called Moe Otaku (MOE-eh oh-TAH-koo) – an addiction to anime P.E. This addiction has lead to such perversions of healthy sexuality as “marrying” cartoon characters and developing a revulsion or fear of having sex with real people, and preferring sex dolls that are made in the likeness of the anime characters. Anime also mentally links sex acts with violence and with young children.
From these examples, currently all forms of profane erotica distort healthy and righteous sexual behavior. The written can be just as harmful as the visual, and all forms of P.E. need to be recognized for what they are and dealt with appropriately to avoid becoming ensnared.
Some media is safe to be devoured. Others can devour you.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
My Porn is Okay, Your Porn is Not Okay – Avoiding the Double Standard Part 1
WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred sexual nature and is intended for married couples only. Viewer discretion is advised.
One of the greatest challenges in today’s world for members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is finding good entertainment that doesn’t compromise the moral standards we strive to abide by.
This search for good entertainment can affect our marriages. We may seek to watch or read romance because we want something to give us that spark to get us in the mood to be close to our spouse. The Church has made it very clear that pornographic images (the kind men are generally drawn to) are definitely out, but the line on what is pornography for women is not so clear, or taken as seriously, and some become ensnared in moral traps as a result.
In order to define a problem, we must first start with a practical definition of what pornography is. The HBO documentary "Sexual Intelligence" tells us that porn comes from the Greek word porne meaning “female prostitute”, and was later coined as the word pornographos, meaning “writings about whores”. The word was created by a Greek scholar who gave a title to the large cataloged sexual artifact collection found in Pompeii.
The word pornography stuck as a term to describe any sexual images or writing intended to cause sexual excitement. The term later expanded for Church members when pornography was defined as sexual images, or writing, or dressing in a way, or speaking in a way or looking at people in a way that sexually stimulates or arouses.
For those who are married, Elder Oaks also said that pornography is “images and words [originating from sources outside a husband and wife] that are intended to arouse sexual desire.” A sexual stimulus that is generated from within the marriage relationship does not fall under the general definition of pornography and is better classified as marital intimacy.
Within the genre of romance, there are works with more artistic qualities versus popular forms of romance that could be classified as “female pornography”.
Artistic works portray people with many characteristics beyond the physical, and not all of these characteristics are glamorous or sexually attractive. In “female porn”, everyone is from LA in the looks department. At least the main characters are highly sexually attractive, and much of their description is focused on the physical.
“Female porn” characters are often forgettable, or almost interchangeable from book to book or movie to movie; they are cookie cutter in nature. Although the determination of what is good writing and what is bad writing is largely subjective, those works with artistic merit are written well, and those of a popular quality that could be classified as “female porn” are characterized by poor writing quality that is dull or monotonous.
Marilyn Arnold, an LDS English teacher, offers these clues to determining art from pornography:
Finally, in works that lean more towards artistic, the human condition is portrayed with a sense of authenticity. Life is complicated, and artistic works explore this complication. The consumer comes away from the book or movie with a sense of being changed or inspired or uplifted or enriched. Artistic works help us to deal with our reality more effectively than before. Appropriate entertainment leaves us with a feeling of appreciation for our spouse and family and inspires us to exhibit those qualities or activities that bring us closer to our spouse and family.
By contrast, in “female porn” or even male porn, the scenario is written according to a calculated formula that has been drawn from what each gender wants to see and read. Biologically, words and images are formulated to what will most likely trigger dopamine releases in the brain. This formula is also designed to have little to do with reality. It distorts reality in order to stimulate us sexually. It inspires our thoughts and actions away from our spouse and family and leads us to read or view in secret in order to release the chemical potion in the brain that activates those desires.
When the scenario is finished, the frustrations of life are still there. Nothing has changed about us from coming into contact with the story. Indeed, the individual is left feeling more frustrated than ever. He or she has been given nothing to help cope with the ethical and moral and emotional difficulties of life. Relationships are not edified by the experience, but become instead a stumbling block, because they stand in the way of going back for another quick sexual “high”.
To separate female pornography from literature, a woman can ask herself, “Is this book’s purpose to fill an emotional need that leads me to feel sexually aroused?” A woman can know she’s being aroused if:
* she puts herself in the place of the heroine who’s falling in love with the hero
* if she imagines herself kissing or making love to the hero
* if she goes back specifically to the sexual parts repeatedly while skipping
the rest of the story, or
* if she begins to fantasize about being with the hero in order to become aroused
enough to have sex or orgasm while having sex with her husband.
Under these conditions, she can be relatively certain that an intimacy problem with her husband exists and needs to be addressed.
Spencer W. Kimball said in The Miracle of Forgiveness,
REFERENCES:
Catherine, Annau, dir, Sexual Intelligence, HBO documentary, 2005
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/porography
“Pornography” Elder Dallin H. Oaks Ensign >>2005>>May
Arnold, Marilyn, “A Look at Popular Romance Fiction (Confessions of an English Teacher.) “ Ensign, Feb. 1987
Kimball, Spencer W. The Miracle of Forgiveness, pg. 250-251, Bookcraft, Salt Lake: 1992.
One of the greatest challenges in today’s world for members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is finding good entertainment that doesn’t compromise the moral standards we strive to abide by.
This search for good entertainment can affect our marriages. We may seek to watch or read romance because we want something to give us that spark to get us in the mood to be close to our spouse. The Church has made it very clear that pornographic images (the kind men are generally drawn to) are definitely out, but the line on what is pornography for women is not so clear, or taken as seriously, and some become ensnared in moral traps as a result.
In order to define a problem, we must first start with a practical definition of what pornography is. The HBO documentary "Sexual Intelligence" tells us that porn comes from the Greek word porne meaning “female prostitute”, and was later coined as the word pornographos, meaning “writings about whores”. The word was created by a Greek scholar who gave a title to the large cataloged sexual artifact collection found in Pompeii.
The word pornography stuck as a term to describe any sexual images or writing intended to cause sexual excitement. The term later expanded for Church members when pornography was defined as sexual images, or writing, or dressing in a way, or speaking in a way or looking at people in a way that sexually stimulates or arouses.
For those who are married, Elder Oaks also said that pornography is “images and words [originating from sources outside a husband and wife] that are intended to arouse sexual desire.” A sexual stimulus that is generated from within the marriage relationship does not fall under the general definition of pornography and is better classified as marital intimacy.
Within the genre of romance, there are works with more artistic qualities versus popular forms of romance that could be classified as “female pornography”.
Artistic works portray people with many characteristics beyond the physical, and not all of these characteristics are glamorous or sexually attractive. In “female porn”, everyone is from LA in the looks department. At least the main characters are highly sexually attractive, and much of their description is focused on the physical.
“Female porn” characters are often forgettable, or almost interchangeable from book to book or movie to movie; they are cookie cutter in nature. Although the determination of what is good writing and what is bad writing is largely subjective, those works with artistic merit are written well, and those of a popular quality that could be classified as “female porn” are characterized by poor writing quality that is dull or monotonous.
Marilyn Arnold, an LDS English teacher, offers these clues to determining art from pornography:
“[Female porn] is comfortably predictable, and real life is not…difficult problems [are] easily solved. It never disappoints us, never tells us that to live is also to suffer; never tests our values or our moral and spiritual stamina. What it does is this: it allows us to live vicariously the lives of people for whom everything works out happily, invariably. Unfortunately, the relief we get through romance fiction…only lasts as long as the book lasts.”Another point she makes is that these works are
“…almost totally devoid of art…the person is left essentially unchanged, uninspired, unmoved, un-enriched…It has no interest in truth or in values that endure, and it is essentially without moral content…the descriptions of [the hero and heroines] are canned and superficial.”All of this is also true of the visual male porn.
Finally, in works that lean more towards artistic, the human condition is portrayed with a sense of authenticity. Life is complicated, and artistic works explore this complication. The consumer comes away from the book or movie with a sense of being changed or inspired or uplifted or enriched. Artistic works help us to deal with our reality more effectively than before. Appropriate entertainment leaves us with a feeling of appreciation for our spouse and family and inspires us to exhibit those qualities or activities that bring us closer to our spouse and family.
By contrast, in “female porn” or even male porn, the scenario is written according to a calculated formula that has been drawn from what each gender wants to see and read. Biologically, words and images are formulated to what will most likely trigger dopamine releases in the brain. This formula is also designed to have little to do with reality. It distorts reality in order to stimulate us sexually. It inspires our thoughts and actions away from our spouse and family and leads us to read or view in secret in order to release the chemical potion in the brain that activates those desires.
When the scenario is finished, the frustrations of life are still there. Nothing has changed about us from coming into contact with the story. Indeed, the individual is left feeling more frustrated than ever. He or she has been given nothing to help cope with the ethical and moral and emotional difficulties of life. Relationships are not edified by the experience, but become instead a stumbling block, because they stand in the way of going back for another quick sexual “high”.
To separate female pornography from literature, a woman can ask herself, “Is this book’s purpose to fill an emotional need that leads me to feel sexually aroused?” A woman can know she’s being aroused if:
* she puts herself in the place of the heroine who’s falling in love with the hero
* if she imagines herself kissing or making love to the hero
* if she goes back specifically to the sexual parts repeatedly while skipping
the rest of the story, or
* if she begins to fantasize about being with the hero in order to become aroused
enough to have sex or orgasm while having sex with her husband.
Under these conditions, she can be relatively certain that an intimacy problem with her husband exists and needs to be addressed.
Spencer W. Kimball said in The Miracle of Forgiveness,
“’Thou shalt love thy [wife/husband] with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto [her/him] and none else’ (D&C 42.22). The words ‘none else’ eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes pre-eminent in the life of the husband or wife and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse…If love wanes or dies, it is often infidelity of thought or act which gave the lethal potion. I plead with all people, young and old, bound by marriage vows and covenants to make that marriage holy, keep it fresh, express affection meaningfully and sincerely and often. Thus will one avoid the pitfalls which destroy marriages.”
REFERENCES:
Catherine, Annau, dir, Sexual Intelligence, HBO documentary, 2005
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/porography
“Pornography” Elder Dallin H. Oaks Ensign >>2005>>May
Arnold, Marilyn, “A Look at Popular Romance Fiction (Confessions of an English Teacher.) “ Ensign, Feb. 1987
Kimball, Spencer W. The Miracle of Forgiveness, pg. 250-251, Bookcraft, Salt Lake: 1992.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
The Sexual Spectrum - Where Do We Lie?
WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred sexual nature and is intended for married couples only. Viewer discretion is advised.
I have observed through listening to people speak, through music lyrics, through what screenwriters write as reality about sex, how couples interact, and from various Internet posts that there are many conflicting beliefs about sex in the world today.
Where do these conflicting beliefs about sex come from? What are their origins?
As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we learn from Genesis in the Bible and modern-day revelation that God gave Adam his wife, Eve. Like all the life forms on the new earth, Adam and Eve were commanded to multiply and replenish the earth. They were taught their purpose for being on the earth and they were given additional commandments so that they could show their obedience to God and live life in harmony with one another.
After partaking of the forbidden fruit, they gained mortality, the ability to have children, (2 Ne. 2: 22-23) and were cast out of the garden. In the world, Adam and Eve found no supermarkets, no schools, no governments, no churches, no welfare programs, no hospitals or midwives to assist with birth, no jobs, and no tools or weapons. They literally had nothing but the clothes on their backs.
They had to make their own tools, build their own shelter, produce their own heat source, and make their own food. Neither Adam nor Eve had any training in any of this. They were utterly and completely dependent on God to teach them everything they would need to know to survive.
Having known God in the garden, they knew they could trust him. They knew he was real. They taught their children to trust God. They taught them that the world and all its creations came from God and they taught them the commandments that God gave them to keep.
One commandment that stood out and was the easiest to relate to was that commandment given to all living things – to “be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:28; Gen. 9: 1; D&C 132: 63; Moses 2: 28; Moses 5: 2; Abr. 4: 28).
This was an easy one to keep and understand, because of the tangible benefits. When the plants had sex, there was food. When the animals and fish had sex, there was food. When there was food, the people could have sex and have children. Where there was lots of food and children to make more food, there was prosperity and happiness.
Conversely, when plants and animals didn’t have sex, there was starvation and death. Adam and Eve taught their children that all living things were commanded to multiply, and the prosperity they enjoyed as a result came because of God. Therefore, they should worship Him only.
Adam’s family prospered. They had many children and those children had many children. As families grew, they formed family groups and moved away. Many of these groups forgot about God, but they never forgot the first commandment to multiply and replenish the earth.
Their ability to have food was everything. When the things of the world had sex, there was food and prosperity. Over time, as they forgot about God, the procreating forces of nature were worshiped as gods. This is evident in the pagan cultures of the Egyptians, Greeks, Romans, Hindu, and the Celts.
The additional commandment of sex to remain between a husband and wife was reduced to the easier commandment; the only one given to all living creatures. Have sex and lots of it. Marriage was not a requirement given to animals. Physical prosperity became the pagan man’s greatest aspiration, and engaging in sex was their way of influencing nature and the gods to have sex and thrive.
Public festivals such as the Festival of the Egyptian god of sex and fertility Min flourished. Egyptian priests and priestesses had sex continuously in their temples as a fertility rite to ensure the prosperity of the crops and people.
The Mahashivratri is a Hindu festival where their gods Shiva and Shakti (symbolized by a giant phallus penetrating a vulva) have a grand wedding ceremony. When the ceremony is complete, Shiva and Shakti copulate constantly for one hundred of their God-years. When they do, all living things have sex and everything prospers. (Ereira, Grabsky, and Jones, The Nature of Sex) One of the many names of these gods (lingam and yoni) literally translates to mean penis and vagina. (Elwood and McGraw, Many Peoples, Many Faiths, Pearson Education, 2009)
The Celts held that same belief that sex was directly linked to prosperity. They worshiped Mother Earth and Father Sky. Mother Earth was symbolized by a great mound of earth like a womb. When penetrated by the shaft of light by Father Sky, their joining caused fertility in the earth. The kings of the land would become king when they engaged in a marriage ceremony with a hag who would transform into a beautiful woman when they had sex. When they had sex, everything had sex and there was prosperity. (Dugan, Sex and the Celts)
The Roman and Greek gods also followed this pattern of sex and prosperity. The penis (because of its procreative power) was viewed as a symbol of luck, protection and prosperity. It was hung and found on their person as a charm, on the walls of their homes, their public buildings, and in their art. (Ereira, Grabsky and Jones, The Nature of Sex, Discovery Channel, 2009)
The Hebrews held tightly to the teachings of Adam, Abraham, Moses and the prophets. They had a correct view of sex and sexuality because they worshiped the one true God. They understood that when all living things copulated, there was prosperity and they rejoiced in it. They understood that sex was from God and must be good. They also understood that sex was only to be between a husband and wife and to be enjoyed in all its forms in marriage, except when it conflicted with their laws of health. Sex was only condemned if engaged in any form outside of marriage or if abused within marriage.
Many of the original Hebrew doctrines about sex became warped and perverted by outside influences as they did what God commanded them not to do – such as marry outside the religion. (Mal 2:11, Neh. 13:27) Their interactions with the Egyptians, Romans and other cultures along with corrupt leaders led to misinterpretation and perversion of the gospel. An example would be that a woman having sex outside of marriage would be stoned, but there were exceptions made for men.
When Christ came, he and his apostles reorganized the gospel. The true religion that Adam knew was once again on the earth. They worked to teach correct principles about God’s plan for his children, including how we should treat each other, and what our attitudes should be toward sexual relations. No sexual activity of any kind in the bonds of marriage was ever condemned by the Lord; only those sexual practices and lusts and lasciviousness engaged in outside of marriage or sexually abusive practices in marriage.
After the apostles died and the Church fell into apostasy, followers of Christ attempted to keep Christ’s church alive on their own. Without the authority and continuing revelation, they took the gospel as well as the beliefs about sex in another direction. Early Christians’ interpretations went in the opposite direction of the pagan. Rather than viewing sex as a gift from God, sex and desires of the body were esteemed as evil.
The pagans believed that sensuality and sexuality were divine gifts that gave life and richness to the world and empowered mankind when expressed in any form. Unfortunately this belief gave license for considerable sexual deviancy. Sex outside of marriage, sex with your own gender, sex with children, sex followed by human sacrifice, sex with animals in any way imaginable, and sex with animals followed by their sacrifice and consumption became the norm.
The pagan beliefs completely contradicted this belief of control of bodily appetites. Early Christians, in order to separate themselves from the pagans, forged beliefs that would take them in the complete opposite of the pagan beliefs; especially about sex.
Primitive conditions of the time encouraged the adoption of these anti-sex sentiments. Birth control was practically unheard of in those early times. Medicine was not what it is today. Pregnancy often brought death to women. Sex brought unwanted children that taxed the economic systems and transmitted poverty and misery. No one wanted to associate misery with Christ, who was supposed to bring peace and happiness to the world.
Early Christianity became the gospel of exercising self discipline and the control of bodily appetites. Many monks blazed the trail to new beliefs about sex by denying themselves of all bodily desires. Some took their aestheticism to extremes. The Instructions of King Carmoc, written by an anonymous monk around 1390, made the extraordinary claim that it would be better to kill a woman than to live with her. “Green martyrdom” drove men into the woods to live in isolation from temptations of the flesh. A notorious Irish monk who popularized this practice was St. Kevin, who was also praised for actually killing a woman who made him feel tempted. (Duggan, Jimmy, Sex and the Celts, Pathfinder Home Entertainment, 2004)
The appearance of a female (no matter how modest she may be dressed) stirred the natural biological responses in men and led them to the misogynistic point of view that women were creatures of the devil sent to lead man into bodily sins against God. This belief eventually led to the denouncement of the first commandment given to Adam.
Marriage was now not of God. Tertullian (cir. 160–220) taught that “…marriage is a moral crime, more dreadful than any punishment or any death.” St. Ambrose (cir. 340 -397) also taught “marriage is a crime against God…a prostitution of the members of Christ.”
Early Christian leaders couldn’t stop the members of the church from having sex, so they sought to control it. For example, they could only have sex in the missionary position, and sex on holidays or fast days was forbidden. A person could never have sex without clothes on, and enjoying it was definitely out. The penalties were eternal damnation. Abstinence was the preferred state until the 16th century when marriage was only to be performed by a priest.
Bodily desires became so repugnant that even the thought of God having a body or being associated with sex had to be rejected. Mary, the mother of Jesus, and her “sexless conception” of the Savior was held up as an example that if God intends you to have children you will conceive immaculately. It didn’t take long for women to make the biological connection that conception doesn’t work that way.
Even after Protestants rebelled against the Catholic Church and attempted to bring their faith in Christ closer to what he originally taught, many of the new puritanical faiths held tightly to the practices of abstinence and restraint from the enjoyment or discussion of sex.
In modern societies, the strict anti-sex view of early Christian teachings (being an act or desire that will send you to Hell) caused men to question their faith. Their choices were either to have sex and go to hell, or not have sex and go to heaven. But sex felt good, and they liked it, and didn’t want to go without it. This false paradigm caused further dysfunction, with people believing that they must either “laugh with the sinners [or] cry with the saints”, as Billy Joel popularized in his song, “Only the Good Die Young”. This also leads to the rationalization that, since they’ve gone this far, they might as well go all the way, causing people to abandon their faith entirely, or seek a faith that conforms closer to their own desires.
Here we have discussed three patterns. To the pagan, sex linked you to God. To the Dark Age and medieval Christians, sex cut you off from God. To Adam, the Hebrews, and Christ’s restoration of the gospel, sex was a gift from God to be performed only in the bonds of marriage (The Nature of Sex. Alan Ereira; Phil Grabsky, Terry Jones, Discovery Channel, 2009)
In psychology, there are spectrums for what is considered normal and what is considered dysfunctional. When it comes to gospel teachings about sex, the truth was established with Adam and Eve in the beginning. Pagans held strong beliefs about sex and their bodies, but became dysfunctional in sex’s proper relationship to God. Early Christianity (in order to separate themselves from the pagan) took the dysfunction to the opposite end of the spectrum and attempted to eradicate sex from the gospel completely.
In reading the apostle Paul or any of the gospels in the light of revealed knowledge, it becomes apparent that the eradication of sex was never intended by Christ, but rather to be reeled back in to be governed again by the laws the Lord had set in the beginning.
This spectrum would look something like this:
Sex is not of God_____Sex is joining with God_____Sex is God
When the gospel of Jesus Christ was restored in 1830 through Joseph Smith, the sanctity of marriage was also restored. It linked us to God by helping Him to fulfill his plan for his children. Through marriage, families are sealed together for eternity. The spirit children of God are provided with bodies so they can know the joy that God has from having a body, and become like Him by learning to control it and keep appetites and passions in the boundaries He has set. (Alma 38:12)
God has provided our bodies with special sexual functions that not only give intense pleasure, but when (and only when) exercised in marriage, bind us together completely body and soul.
Jeffrey R. Holland taught:
Many married members of the Church carry with them combinations of either pagan or strict puritanical Christian paradigms towards sex. Mormons were not always Mormon – especially in Joseph Smith’s time. Most of those who joined the Church brought with them their family’s ancestral beliefs about sex and taught them to their children, or didn’t teach their children about sex at all. If not properly educated, we naturally gravitate toward assimilating the beliefs from our surrounding environment. Like an infant's desire to stand and walk, our thirst for knowledge about ourselves and our sexuality is inherent and strong.
As shown on the spectrum above, the beliefs on opposite ends are dysfunctional and were not what God had originally intended for his children. As we evaluate our sexual relationship with our spouse and find our self with feelings of uncleanness, uneasiness, disgust or revulsion toward sex with our spouse, we must try and understand where those paradigms come from. Seek the teachings of men of God and the scriptures about sex and seek the Spirit in what they teach.
We will find a whole world of sexual exploration and pleasure in our marriages that is not only permissible but encouraged. This exploration will help us fill the measure of our creation and bring us great joy in our marriages.
I have observed through listening to people speak, through music lyrics, through what screenwriters write as reality about sex, how couples interact, and from various Internet posts that there are many conflicting beliefs about sex in the world today.
Where do these conflicting beliefs about sex come from? What are their origins?
As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we learn from Genesis in the Bible and modern-day revelation that God gave Adam his wife, Eve. Like all the life forms on the new earth, Adam and Eve were commanded to multiply and replenish the earth. They were taught their purpose for being on the earth and they were given additional commandments so that they could show their obedience to God and live life in harmony with one another.
After partaking of the forbidden fruit, they gained mortality, the ability to have children, (2 Ne. 2: 22-23) and were cast out of the garden. In the world, Adam and Eve found no supermarkets, no schools, no governments, no churches, no welfare programs, no hospitals or midwives to assist with birth, no jobs, and no tools or weapons. They literally had nothing but the clothes on their backs.
They had to make their own tools, build their own shelter, produce their own heat source, and make their own food. Neither Adam nor Eve had any training in any of this. They were utterly and completely dependent on God to teach them everything they would need to know to survive.
Having known God in the garden, they knew they could trust him. They knew he was real. They taught their children to trust God. They taught them that the world and all its creations came from God and they taught them the commandments that God gave them to keep.
One commandment that stood out and was the easiest to relate to was that commandment given to all living things – to “be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:28; Gen. 9: 1; D&C 132: 63; Moses 2: 28; Moses 5: 2; Abr. 4: 28).
This was an easy one to keep and understand, because of the tangible benefits. When the plants had sex, there was food. When the animals and fish had sex, there was food. When there was food, the people could have sex and have children. Where there was lots of food and children to make more food, there was prosperity and happiness.
Conversely, when plants and animals didn’t have sex, there was starvation and death. Adam and Eve taught their children that all living things were commanded to multiply, and the prosperity they enjoyed as a result came because of God. Therefore, they should worship Him only.
Adam’s family prospered. They had many children and those children had many children. As families grew, they formed family groups and moved away. Many of these groups forgot about God, but they never forgot the first commandment to multiply and replenish the earth.
Their ability to have food was everything. When the things of the world had sex, there was food and prosperity. Over time, as they forgot about God, the procreating forces of nature were worshiped as gods. This is evident in the pagan cultures of the Egyptians, Greeks, Romans, Hindu, and the Celts.
The additional commandment of sex to remain between a husband and wife was reduced to the easier commandment; the only one given to all living creatures. Have sex and lots of it. Marriage was not a requirement given to animals. Physical prosperity became the pagan man’s greatest aspiration, and engaging in sex was their way of influencing nature and the gods to have sex and thrive.
Public festivals such as the Festival of the Egyptian god of sex and fertility Min flourished. Egyptian priests and priestesses had sex continuously in their temples as a fertility rite to ensure the prosperity of the crops and people.
The Mahashivratri is a Hindu festival where their gods Shiva and Shakti (symbolized by a giant phallus penetrating a vulva) have a grand wedding ceremony. When the ceremony is complete, Shiva and Shakti copulate constantly for one hundred of their God-years. When they do, all living things have sex and everything prospers. (Ereira, Grabsky, and Jones, The Nature of Sex) One of the many names of these gods (lingam and yoni) literally translates to mean penis and vagina. (Elwood and McGraw, Many Peoples, Many Faiths, Pearson Education, 2009)
The Celts held that same belief that sex was directly linked to prosperity. They worshiped Mother Earth and Father Sky. Mother Earth was symbolized by a great mound of earth like a womb. When penetrated by the shaft of light by Father Sky, their joining caused fertility in the earth. The kings of the land would become king when they engaged in a marriage ceremony with a hag who would transform into a beautiful woman when they had sex. When they had sex, everything had sex and there was prosperity. (Dugan, Sex and the Celts)
The Roman and Greek gods also followed this pattern of sex and prosperity. The penis (because of its procreative power) was viewed as a symbol of luck, protection and prosperity. It was hung and found on their person as a charm, on the walls of their homes, their public buildings, and in their art. (Ereira, Grabsky and Jones, The Nature of Sex, Discovery Channel, 2009)
The Hebrews held tightly to the teachings of Adam, Abraham, Moses and the prophets. They had a correct view of sex and sexuality because they worshiped the one true God. They understood that when all living things copulated, there was prosperity and they rejoiced in it. They understood that sex was from God and must be good. They also understood that sex was only to be between a husband and wife and to be enjoyed in all its forms in marriage, except when it conflicted with their laws of health. Sex was only condemned if engaged in any form outside of marriage or if abused within marriage.
Many of the original Hebrew doctrines about sex became warped and perverted by outside influences as they did what God commanded them not to do – such as marry outside the religion. (Mal 2:11, Neh. 13:27) Their interactions with the Egyptians, Romans and other cultures along with corrupt leaders led to misinterpretation and perversion of the gospel. An example would be that a woman having sex outside of marriage would be stoned, but there were exceptions made for men.
When Christ came, he and his apostles reorganized the gospel. The true religion that Adam knew was once again on the earth. They worked to teach correct principles about God’s plan for his children, including how we should treat each other, and what our attitudes should be toward sexual relations. No sexual activity of any kind in the bonds of marriage was ever condemned by the Lord; only those sexual practices and lusts and lasciviousness engaged in outside of marriage or sexually abusive practices in marriage.
After the apostles died and the Church fell into apostasy, followers of Christ attempted to keep Christ’s church alive on their own. Without the authority and continuing revelation, they took the gospel as well as the beliefs about sex in another direction. Early Christians’ interpretations went in the opposite direction of the pagan. Rather than viewing sex as a gift from God, sex and desires of the body were esteemed as evil.
The pagans believed that sensuality and sexuality were divine gifts that gave life and richness to the world and empowered mankind when expressed in any form. Unfortunately this belief gave license for considerable sexual deviancy. Sex outside of marriage, sex with your own gender, sex with children, sex followed by human sacrifice, sex with animals in any way imaginable, and sex with animals followed by their sacrifice and consumption became the norm.
The pagan beliefs completely contradicted this belief of control of bodily appetites. Early Christians, in order to separate themselves from the pagans, forged beliefs that would take them in the complete opposite of the pagan beliefs; especially about sex.
Primitive conditions of the time encouraged the adoption of these anti-sex sentiments. Birth control was practically unheard of in those early times. Medicine was not what it is today. Pregnancy often brought death to women. Sex brought unwanted children that taxed the economic systems and transmitted poverty and misery. No one wanted to associate misery with Christ, who was supposed to bring peace and happiness to the world.
Early Christianity became the gospel of exercising self discipline and the control of bodily appetites. Many monks blazed the trail to new beliefs about sex by denying themselves of all bodily desires. Some took their aestheticism to extremes. The Instructions of King Carmoc, written by an anonymous monk around 1390, made the extraordinary claim that it would be better to kill a woman than to live with her. “Green martyrdom” drove men into the woods to live in isolation from temptations of the flesh. A notorious Irish monk who popularized this practice was St. Kevin, who was also praised for actually killing a woman who made him feel tempted. (Duggan, Jimmy, Sex and the Celts, Pathfinder Home Entertainment, 2004)
The appearance of a female (no matter how modest she may be dressed) stirred the natural biological responses in men and led them to the misogynistic point of view that women were creatures of the devil sent to lead man into bodily sins against God. This belief eventually led to the denouncement of the first commandment given to Adam.
Marriage was now not of God. Tertullian (cir. 160–220) taught that “…marriage is a moral crime, more dreadful than any punishment or any death.” St. Ambrose (cir. 340 -397) also taught “marriage is a crime against God…a prostitution of the members of Christ.”
Early Christian leaders couldn’t stop the members of the church from having sex, so they sought to control it. For example, they could only have sex in the missionary position, and sex on holidays or fast days was forbidden. A person could never have sex without clothes on, and enjoying it was definitely out. The penalties were eternal damnation. Abstinence was the preferred state until the 16th century when marriage was only to be performed by a priest.
Bodily desires became so repugnant that even the thought of God having a body or being associated with sex had to be rejected. Mary, the mother of Jesus, and her “sexless conception” of the Savior was held up as an example that if God intends you to have children you will conceive immaculately. It didn’t take long for women to make the biological connection that conception doesn’t work that way.
Even after Protestants rebelled against the Catholic Church and attempted to bring their faith in Christ closer to what he originally taught, many of the new puritanical faiths held tightly to the practices of abstinence and restraint from the enjoyment or discussion of sex.
In modern societies, the strict anti-sex view of early Christian teachings (being an act or desire that will send you to Hell) caused men to question their faith. Their choices were either to have sex and go to hell, or not have sex and go to heaven. But sex felt good, and they liked it, and didn’t want to go without it. This false paradigm caused further dysfunction, with people believing that they must either “laugh with the sinners [or] cry with the saints”, as Billy Joel popularized in his song, “Only the Good Die Young”. This also leads to the rationalization that, since they’ve gone this far, they might as well go all the way, causing people to abandon their faith entirely, or seek a faith that conforms closer to their own desires.
Here we have discussed three patterns. To the pagan, sex linked you to God. To the Dark Age and medieval Christians, sex cut you off from God. To Adam, the Hebrews, and Christ’s restoration of the gospel, sex was a gift from God to be performed only in the bonds of marriage (The Nature of Sex. Alan Ereira; Phil Grabsky, Terry Jones, Discovery Channel, 2009)
In psychology, there are spectrums for what is considered normal and what is considered dysfunctional. When it comes to gospel teachings about sex, the truth was established with Adam and Eve in the beginning. Pagans held strong beliefs about sex and their bodies, but became dysfunctional in sex’s proper relationship to God. Early Christianity (in order to separate themselves from the pagan) took the dysfunction to the opposite end of the spectrum and attempted to eradicate sex from the gospel completely.
In reading the apostle Paul or any of the gospels in the light of revealed knowledge, it becomes apparent that the eradication of sex was never intended by Christ, but rather to be reeled back in to be governed again by the laws the Lord had set in the beginning.
This spectrum would look something like this:
Sex is not of God_____Sex is joining with God_____Sex is God
When the gospel of Jesus Christ was restored in 1830 through Joseph Smith, the sanctity of marriage was also restored. It linked us to God by helping Him to fulfill his plan for his children. Through marriage, families are sealed together for eternity. The spirit children of God are provided with bodies so they can know the joy that God has from having a body, and become like Him by learning to control it and keep appetites and passions in the boundaries He has set. (Alma 38:12)
God has provided our bodies with special sexual functions that not only give intense pleasure, but when (and only when) exercised in marriage, bind us together completely body and soul.
Jeffrey R. Holland taught:
“...sexual intimacy is not only a symbolic union between man and woman…but it is also symbolic of a union between mortals and deity…a rare and special moment with God himself and all the powers by which he gives life in this wide universe of ours …may I suggest that human intimacy, that sacred, physical union ordained of God for a married couple…was ordained to be a symbol of total union: union of their hearts, their hopes, their lives, their love, their family, their future, their everything…It is in that act of ultimate physical intimacy we most nearly fulfill the commandment of the Lord given to Adam and Eve…as all (married) couples come to that moment of bonding in mortality, it is to be just such a complete union.” (Holland, Jeffrey R., Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments)
Many married members of the Church carry with them combinations of either pagan or strict puritanical Christian paradigms towards sex. Mormons were not always Mormon – especially in Joseph Smith’s time. Most of those who joined the Church brought with them their family’s ancestral beliefs about sex and taught them to their children, or didn’t teach their children about sex at all. If not properly educated, we naturally gravitate toward assimilating the beliefs from our surrounding environment. Like an infant's desire to stand and walk, our thirst for knowledge about ourselves and our sexuality is inherent and strong.
As shown on the spectrum above, the beliefs on opposite ends are dysfunctional and were not what God had originally intended for his children. As we evaluate our sexual relationship with our spouse and find our self with feelings of uncleanness, uneasiness, disgust or revulsion toward sex with our spouse, we must try and understand where those paradigms come from. Seek the teachings of men of God and the scriptures about sex and seek the Spirit in what they teach.
We will find a whole world of sexual exploration and pleasure in our marriages that is not only permissible but encouraged. This exploration will help us fill the measure of our creation and bring us great joy in our marriages.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
The question of oral sex in LDS marriage: Part 2
There’s more to say about the mysterious 1982 letter on oral sex from the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
There is no way to view the original document. It cannot be retrieved from LDS Church Headquarters without proper authorization. A copy of the letter can be found online, but be aware that this letter was not intended to be released to the public and any copies found may have been doctored. Most importantly, it was never canonized as any kind of scripture.
After analyzing a more complete copy of the letter that is being circulated, it is my personal conclusion that the letter itself may have been tampered with.
Grammatically the whole sentence starting with “The First Presidency has interpreted…” seems to come out of nowhere. It reads too much like it was added after the fact. The very next sentence “If a person is engaged in…” picks up like the previous one never existed. The whole document is structurally congruent except for that one sentence.
Another inconsistency that I observed was that the sentence right before “The First Presidency has interpreted…” emphasizes to the leaders to give “counseling without going into clinical detail”, and then the very next sentence jumps right into a very intimate, clinical detail. It was a very jarring contradiction. As I was reading it, I was hearing that Sesame Street song going through my head – “One of these things is not like the other, c’mon now, can you tell which one?”
When dealing with apocryphal documents of this sort being circulated, one thing that we have to keep in mind is the example of the missing 116 pages from the Book of Lehi. The 116 pages of translation were stolen while in the possession of Martin Harris. This account can be found in the book “Our Heritage: A Brief History of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints” on page 8.
Joseph Smith was commanded by God not to re-translate those pages. Now that they were potentially in the hands of those that wanted to destroy the church, they could be manipulated in a way that would be used to discredit the work that Joseph Smith had done. (Doctrine and Covenants 10:10-12) Since this letter has been circulated on the Internet by questionable sources, I have to conclude that a similar situation could exist in this case. Manipulating the letter with today’s technology would be easy to do.
Even if I’m wrong, there are other factors to consider here. After reading this letter, my memory was jogged to another inconsistency. If oral sex in marriage was even a minor sin, President Kimball (who’s shown as having signed the letter) would have mentioned it in “The Miracle of Forgiveness.”
Spencer W. Kimball was the champion of the law of chastity in the 70’s and 80’s. If President Kimball felt that oral sex in marriage was immoral, unnatural, unholy or impure in any degree, why wouldn't he spell it out in his book.
It was not in his book, nor is the denouncement of oral sex in marriage found in any Church Conference talk anywhere, at any time.
Reason causes me to conclude that the part of the letter that says, “The First Presidency has interpreted oral sex as constituting an unnatural, impure and unholy practice.” is suspect, to say the least, and thus cannot be taken as official Church doctrine on the subject.
For those who may want more historical background on the “oral sex” letter and what happened afterward, as well as the Church’s current stand on sexual practices in marriage, this link gives good clarification:
https://www.dialoguejournal.com/wp-content/uploads/sbi/articles/Dialogue_V25N01_51.pdf
This is an article written by Romel Mackelprang, a former professor at BYU and Eastern Washington University. His article talks about a follow up letter that was sent by the first presidency that essentially rescinds the first.
There is no way to view the original document. It cannot be retrieved from LDS Church Headquarters without proper authorization. A copy of the letter can be found online, but be aware that this letter was not intended to be released to the public and any copies found may have been doctored. Most importantly, it was never canonized as any kind of scripture.
After analyzing a more complete copy of the letter that is being circulated, it is my personal conclusion that the letter itself may have been tampered with.
Grammatically the whole sentence starting with “The First Presidency has interpreted…” seems to come out of nowhere. It reads too much like it was added after the fact. The very next sentence “If a person is engaged in…” picks up like the previous one never existed. The whole document is structurally congruent except for that one sentence.
Another inconsistency that I observed was that the sentence right before “The First Presidency has interpreted…” emphasizes to the leaders to give “counseling without going into clinical detail”, and then the very next sentence jumps right into a very intimate, clinical detail. It was a very jarring contradiction. As I was reading it, I was hearing that Sesame Street song going through my head – “One of these things is not like the other, c’mon now, can you tell which one?”
When dealing with apocryphal documents of this sort being circulated, one thing that we have to keep in mind is the example of the missing 116 pages from the Book of Lehi. The 116 pages of translation were stolen while in the possession of Martin Harris. This account can be found in the book “Our Heritage: A Brief History of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints” on page 8.
Joseph Smith was commanded by God not to re-translate those pages. Now that they were potentially in the hands of those that wanted to destroy the church, they could be manipulated in a way that would be used to discredit the work that Joseph Smith had done. (Doctrine and Covenants 10:10-12) Since this letter has been circulated on the Internet by questionable sources, I have to conclude that a similar situation could exist in this case. Manipulating the letter with today’s technology would be easy to do.
Even if I’m wrong, there are other factors to consider here. After reading this letter, my memory was jogged to another inconsistency. If oral sex in marriage was even a minor sin, President Kimball (who’s shown as having signed the letter) would have mentioned it in “The Miracle of Forgiveness.”
Spencer W. Kimball was the champion of the law of chastity in the 70’s and 80’s. If President Kimball felt that oral sex in marriage was immoral, unnatural, unholy or impure in any degree, why wouldn't he spell it out in his book.
It was not in his book, nor is the denouncement of oral sex in marriage found in any Church Conference talk anywhere, at any time.
Reason causes me to conclude that the part of the letter that says, “The First Presidency has interpreted oral sex as constituting an unnatural, impure and unholy practice.” is suspect, to say the least, and thus cannot be taken as official Church doctrine on the subject.
For those who may want more historical background on the “oral sex” letter and what happened afterward, as well as the Church’s current stand on sexual practices in marriage, this link gives good clarification:
https://www.dialoguejournal.com/wp-content/uploads/sbi/articles/Dialogue_V25N01_51.pdf
This is an article written by Romel Mackelprang, a former professor at BYU and Eastern Washington University. His article talks about a follow up letter that was sent by the first presidency that essentially rescinds the first.
“A question
I have frequently been asked concerns the propriety of
oral sex. To address this question, one must first define the
term. Is
kissing oral sex? How about a mouth on a breast? Or is oral
sex lim-
ited exclusively to oral-genital contact? (These questions
have special
significance for disabled persons who are paralyzed and lack
sensation
in their genitals, arms, and legs and for whom sexual
expression is
very different from that of able-bodied persons. For some,
their mouths
may be the only means of active sexual expression.) On 5
January
1982, apparently in response to numerous queries about oral
sex, the
First Presidency distributed a letter (signed by Spencer W.
Kimball,
N. Eldon Tanner, Marion G. Romney, and Gordon B. Hinkley) to
bishops and stake presidents. In it, they
characterized oral sex as
impure. However, the letter specifically stated
that Church leaders
were not to discuss intimate sexual matters with members. The
letter
was also not to be shared with the general Church membership.
Appar-
ently, a number of the local leaders read the first part of
the letter but
ignored the second, choosing instead to delve into their
members' inti-
mate lives. After the 1982 letter, several of my clients and
a number of
friends reported experiences in which their bishops or stake
presidents
inquired into their intimate sex lives. Some reported local
leaders using
Church meetings to counsel members about sexual practices.
Almost
all of the inquiries and counsel dealt specifically with oral
sex. As a
result of these intrusions, many members wrote letters to
Church lead-
ers, protesting ecclesiastical meddling. Apparently, in
response to these
reactions, on 15 October 1982, a second letter was sent to
stake and
ward leaders that reiterated the January 5 directive to avoid
inquiring
into couples' intimate sexual practices. Further, it directed
leaders that,
even if asked by members about specific sexual matters in
marriage,
they were to avoid giving direct counsel. The latest
directive, in the
"Instructions for
Issuing
Recommends to Enter a Temple" (1989),
instructs interviewers to ask only, "Do you live the law
of chastity?"
They are further counseled:
When interviewing an applicant for a recommend, do not
inquire into personal,
intimate matters about marital relations between a husband
and his wife. Gener-
ally, do not deviate from the recommend interview questions.
If, during an inter-
view, an applicant asks about the propriety of specific
conduct do not pursue the
matter. Merely suggest that if the applicant has enough
anxiety about the propri-
ety of conduct to ask about it, the best course would be to
discontinue it. If you
are sensitive and wise, you usually can prevent those being
interviewed from
asking such explicit questions.”
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