What Are Sexual Perversions In Marriage?

  WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred sexual nature and is intended for married readers only. Those who are currently unmarried are advised to keep to the standards of the Church and refrain from reading the married sexual instruction that follows.

“Decency is as important for married people as for the unmarried. Perversions are perversion whenever indulged in, and the marriage ceremony cannot take away their stain.”[i] ~ Elder Mark E. Peterson

What “perversions” is Mark E. Peterson referring to?

I have yet to find a list of definitions from the General Authorities (past or present) to spell out what specifically they mean by "sexual perversions", and I felt this may be a question for many of my readers. The word is so loosely defined that anything sexual could be placed under the umbrella of “perversion”, rightly or wrongly, even in marriage. I know this can't be their intent because they also speak so positively about sexual relations within marriage.

Therefore, in an effort to give some clarity, I have gathered some definitions for you to think about and pray about in your own marital relationship.

According to the Free Medical Dictionary[ii], a sexual “perversion” is as follows:

“Sexual perversions are conditions in which sexual excitement or orgasm is associated with acts or imagery that are considered unusual within the culture. To avoid problems associated with the stigmatization of labels, the neutral term paraphilia, derived from Greek roots meaning "alongside of" and "love," is used to describe what used to be called sexual perversions. A paraphilia is a condition in which a person's sexual arousal and gratification depend on a fantasy theme of an unusual situation or object that becomes the principal focus of sexual behavior.”

I find the choice of terms ironic because "philia" translates to "brotherly or friendship type love" and a more appropriate use of the Greek roots would be mania ( extreme, obsessive, possessive love) or eros (romantic love, physical lustful type love), so paramania or paraerotic may be more appropriate, but I digress. To prevent confusion, we'll use the widely accepted term paraphilia and since it means "along side of, and alternate of or instead of" an appropriate relationship building type love, it could in fact work.

So, in other words, a perversion of sexuality is when a person can only be sexually aroused when they’re thinking about something or someone other than their spouse. Their minds have been trained or influenced away from their spouse and towards another person or object as their source of arousal.

The same dictionary lists these as some examples of what is deemed as paraphilia, or sexual perversions:

“Paraphilias include fantasies, behaviors, and/or urges which:

• involve nonhuman sexual objects, such as shoes or undergarments
• require the suffering or humiliation of oneself or partner
• involve children or other non-consenting partners

The most common paraphilia are:

• exhibitionism - exposure of the genitals, or engaging in sexual activity in public or in front of other individuals
• fetishism - the use of nonliving objects
• frotteurism - touching and rubbing against a non-consenting person
• pedophilia - the focus on prepubescent children (pedomania or pedoerotic being a more appropriate term)
• sexual masochism - the receiving of humiliation or suffering
• sexual sadism - the inflicting of humiliation or suffering
• transvestic fetishism – the wearing of articles of clothing or full outfits that are usually worn by the opposite sex (not be be confused with transgenderism)
• voyeurism, or watching others engage in undressing or sexual activity” 

This last item, voyeurism, translates to all forms of profane erotica, in male form (watching videos, reading magazines) or female form (reading profane erotica, creating images in the mind of people -other than spouse- undressing and engaging in sex acts)” I would also add sexual coercion and rape to this list.

Sexual Fantasies in Marriage

In my blog series “My Porn is Okay Your Porn is Not Okay – Avoiding The Double Standard”, I discussed how women’s porn is different from men’s porn and that use of this profane erotica can be detrimental to a marriage relationship. Women use written profane erotica or "romance" to help create fantasies in their mind what allows them to become aroused and ready physically for sex. For women, the desire for sex starts in the brain. 

I was asked once by a reader if sexual fantasies can play a role in an LDS marriage. My research tells me that sexual fantasy does play an important part in our marital intimacy. Typically this is more for the wife than the husband, but fantasy does play an important part and can be done in a way that doesn’t offend the Holy Ghost,  violate the sanctity of the relationship or the sacredness of sex. 

The first thing we need to understand is that our primitive brain (the limbic system) controls our sexual desire. Because men’s brains function in a more compartmentalized fashion than women's, it is easier for men to shift gears and stay in sexual mode. It's very focused. This is important to the procreative process. It allows men to more easily become ready for sex and perform their biological roles as initiator of sex. 

Women’s brains are so connected that it is often difficult for them to move out of their thinking brain and into their primitive sexual brain. In order for women to get into their primitive brain, a channel must be created that allows their thoughts to flow into the sexual part of their brain. This channel is created through talking,  fantasy, or what I prefer to call “intimacy visualization.” This is one of the reasons why it may take a woman longer to be ready for sex. She has to think of a romantic scenario first, let it play out in her mind, allow it to connect to the primitive sexual brain and then connect to her husband. Some women refer to it as the sexual part of their brain as their "lizard brain."

A husband can help her more quickly connect to her primitive brain by talking to her, learning what scenarios she likes (for example, she’s aroused by  thinking about walking on the beach in Hawaii and kissing.) and then build a intimate visualization with her that involves both of you. Doing things that touch her heart will also go a long way toward preparing her mentally to receive her husband sexually. This is done by learning her love language or what she considers to be affection - and it may have NOTHING to do with physical touch or sex.

Paraphilia in Sexual Fantasies

“…if ye do not watch yourselves, and your thoughts, and your words, and your deeds…even unto the end of your lives, ye must perish. And now, O man, remember, and perish not.”[iii]

I don’t believe it’s possible to monitor every thought that goes through your head. The average human being has tens of thousands of thoughts a day. 

While we cannot control the thoughts that enter, we do have some measure of control of the ones we allow to stay in our minds. 

There is no temple recommend question that asks you about your thoughts. Thoughts or fantasies involving adultery or paraphilia will not, of themselves, make you unworthy to attend the temple. Be aware, however, that no action was ever done without first originating as a thought in the mind.

I believe sexual fantasies enter into the perversion realm when they involve paraphilia like the ones mentioned above. Building sexual visualizations in your mind or the mind of your spouse that involve these perversions and then reinforcing them with sex and orgasm (pleasure association) programs the primitive brain to respond sexually to these perversions. 

My understanding is that this can be prevented or reversed by building in your mind or telling your spouse sexual fantasies that don’t involve paraphilia, and do involve your spouse exclusively. In essence, you would be creating a kind of sacred erotica instead. You then would reinforce that programming with intercourse and orgasm. Neurons that fire together, wire together. 

“Yea, and [God] looketh down upon all the children of men, and he knows all the thoughts and intents of the heart, for by his hand were they all created from the beginning.”[iv]

 If your mind has become programmed to get sexually excited along the lines of perversions, you can take deliberate steps to reprogram yourself in a more positive direction.

“I feel like I should have an orgasm even though I don’t need one. In order to get aroused enough to reach orgasm, I can’t think about my spouse every single time. I have to think about other things or other people or situations that don’t always involve my spouse.” (Anon)

It’s important to recognize that it’s okay for women NOT to have an orgasm every single time they have sex. A husband should understand this as well. This is one of those fundamental differences between men and women.

She may be perfectly okay, and feel perfectly satisfied, simply to bring him to orgasm. Sometimes it’s okay to just have a quickie, so that the man is satiated and feels loved, and the woman can get on with her day. This doesn't mean she doesn't like sex or doesn't love her husband. On the contrary.

If a woman’s having trouble getting aroused or coming to orgasm, her body may just need a break. Sexual fasting once a month, or just having a quickie without giving her an orgasm is okay, and will allow her body and her libido to rebuild.

Later, when her libido comes back and she feels ready for an orgasm, and can fantasize about her husband and feel aroused, she can let him know this. Sisters, it’s important to let him know; otherwise, he’ll go on having quickies and never reciprocate for you.

It’s okay to ask for an orgasm if you want one. It doesn’t make you a loose woman to enjoy sex with your husband. Good girls do this, when they’re married!

President Spencer W. Kimball (I felt) made it very clear about how God feels about sex in marriage when he said:

“In the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely approved. There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join in a process of creation and in an expression of love”[v]

On the flip side, husbands – it’s important to be considerate of your wife and her needs, and ask her if she wants an orgasm. Don’t just assume she wants one or needs to be talking into one, like you want one. If she doesn’t want one, ask her if it’s okay to have a quickie. Good boys do this, when they’re married!

“I can only get aroused by thinking about sexual perversions (or paraphilia, as you say), and things other than my husband. I’m concerned, but when I try to talk to my husband about these things, he refuses to talk about it. So in order to keep the peace, I just keep fantasizing. Everything else is all right on the outside, so it’s okay as long as I don’t act on my fantasies in real life, right?” (Anon)

Let’s consider this situation on the flip side, from a male point of view. A wife refuses to have sex with him, or discuss their sexuality. So in order to “keep the peace”, the husband doesn’t bother her with sex, but finds alternative outlets elsewhere, such as watching profane erotica, maybe even without masturbating to it.

It’s a thought. There’s no action involved, and everything’s okay…right?

Spiritually and eternally, it is not.

Both of these are separating activities, that shape our spirits and desires in frustrating ways . Communication, compromise, sharing, selflessness, self-sacrifice, patience, unconditional love…these are the attributes that build a successful marriage. If a spouse or both spouses are exercising the opposite of these, they don’t have a marriage. They’re friends with benefits. They’re roommates. They’re not married…not truly, and they’re not building a loving, trusting relationship that will last into the eternities.

The solution is that there must be communication. If a spouse is able to communicate, but refuses to, the hard reality is that this is selfishness and abuse, and a marriage cannot survive on abuse. Cleaving unto our spouse means becoming one. One in thought, word and deed. Being unified in all things and this requires communication. God commands us to be one as husband and wife. (Matt 19:5; John 17:21-22)

If there are secrets being held back from a spouse, tell them. Secrets may destroy your marriage if they aren’t told. They also have a way of coming out eventually anyway. It may take some courage to risk changing the status quo, but you must try, or the situation won’t change, and then eventually it will be too late.

If there’s selfishness, then start to share and compromise. We can take the emotional energy we’re spending on perversions, and turn that energy back towards our spouse. If a couple is spending too much time apart, find ways to spend more time together. If a couple isn’t talking, get talking about anything and everything. Communicate.

I don’t believe we as Saints need harder and harder fantasies, filled with all manner of perversions, to fully enjoy our sexuality. Instead, we need to look towards our spouses with love, appreciation, patience and trust.

“Marriage brings greater possibilities for happiness than does any other human relationship. Yet some married couples fall short of their full potential. They let their romance become rusty, take each other for granted, allow other interests or clouds of neglect to obscure the vision of what their marriage really could be. Marriages would be happier if nurtured more carefully.”[vi]

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[i] Elder Mark E. Peterson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, Marriage and Common Sense, pg.94-95

[ii] Copyright © 2011 Farlex, Inc.< http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/Sexual+Perversions>

[iii] Mosiah 4:30, paraphrased

[iv] Alma 18:32

[v] The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball [1982], 311)

[vi] Russell M. Nelson, “Nurturing Marriage”, Ensign, May 2006

An Ancient Hebrew Sex Secret

 WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred sexual nature and is intended for married readers only. Those who are currently unmarried are advised to keep to the standards of the Church and refrain from reading the married sexual instruction that follows.


Been married awhile? Ever wish that you could feel that same sexual drive, passion and excitement you felt when you were single and a teenager? 

Hidden inside one of the Levitical laws in the Bible is one of God’s best kept secrets for keeping the sexual passion alive in your marriage.

This scripture can be found in the Old Testament and reads as follows:

 “And if a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the even.

 And every thing that she lieth upon in her separation shall be unclean: every thing also that she sitteth upon shall be unclean.

 And whosoever toucheth her bed shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.

 And whosoever toucheth any thing that she sat upon shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even.

 And if it be on her bed, or on any thing whereon she sitteth, when he toucheth it, he shall be unclean until the even.

 And if any man lie with her at all, and her flowers be upon him, he shall be unclean seven days; and all the bed whereon he lieth shall be unclean. - Leviticus 15: 19-24

In my last blog on Sexual Extremes, I discussed briefly how some of the old sexual restrictions in marriage may not necessarily apply today because they didn’t have the sanitary conveniences that we have today. This ancient law is no different – and I mean that with no disrespect to my Jewish brethren. Even though we as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints no longer practice the Law of Moses, the spirit of that law still has principles that we can benefit from today.

As the scripture reads to me, the direction given here is that if a man has a wife and his wife is menstruating, he cannot touch her at all or anything she touches for seven days (or until her period has passed). If he does touch her, he must bathe and will be considered unclean until that evening. If he has sex with her while she is on her period, he will be unclean for seven days.

Here is the hidden secret.

If a couple refrains from physical touch for seven days, it gives their bodies a chance to rejuvenate and revitalize. The awareness that you both are not only not allowed to have sex for seven days, but not allowed to kiss or touch at all turns you into the kid who has to wait until Christmas morning to open even one present.

You can still talk to each other. It’s actually fun to tease and flirt with each other during this time, although it can make it harder to refrain from sex - as it's the forbidden that intensifies the desire.

You don’t have to go to the extreme of not touching anything she touches, but you must refrain from touching each other at all for the full seven days. Be warned…when the seven days are up, you may want to make sure you two are completely alone and the kids have a safe place to go.

This technique has the best chance of success if you are already in a reasonably healthy, loving marital relationship with good communication. If you or your spouse have additional psychological, physical, relationship or emotional challenges, I cannot guarantee this will work. Some anti-depressant drugs such as SSRIs can also interfere with libido. But, you are not restricted from trying.

As the prophet Alma said, experiment on my words. (Alma 32) Give it a try the next time your wife starts her period. If the wife is past menopause, then choose a date and refrain from physical touch for seven days. Make sure your spouse knows about it first, and agrees to experiment with you. For goodness sake, don’t just spring it on them. This is intended to help improve your marital relationship, not to create unnecessary friction.

If it works for your relationship, you may want to make it a regular monthly practice. There’s no need to schedule it; you already have a built-in alert. Try it, and watch the sparks fly.

Sexual Extremes in Marriage

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Question on Sex Education Materials

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Improve Your Sex Life with a Single Word

A key element to a healthy and happy sexuality in marriage is a woman’s self-esteem. I am concerned that there are some parents who are under the belief that, for their daughters to wear makeup, earrings, or having a desire to dress in pretty clothes is sinful, prideful, or vain. Some men may feel that the expense of clothes and beauty products is enough justification to discourage women and girls from pursuing the enhancement of their natural beauty.

I feel that this is a terrible mistake.

Granted, there are extremes…clothes that may be immodest or sexually revealing in public, excessive daytime makeup, a single item of clothing that costs hundreds to thousands of dollars, unnecessary plastic surgery, etc. Yet, I feel it’s important to nurture a girl’s desire to be as pretty as she can be…meaning pleasant and attractive in appearance.

As husbands, we have a duty to encourage our wives and daughters to be beautiful, and to compliment them often and to let them know that they are beautiful to you as often as you can.

To discourage our wives and/or our daughters from seeking beauty could negatively affect their self-esteem, may create lifelong body issues, and worse yet, may affect our wives’ ability to be intimate with us, and our daughters’ ability to be intimate with their husbands.

“Let the sisters take care of themselves, and make themselves beautiful, and if any of you are so superstitious and ignorant as to say that this is pride, I can say that you are not informed as to the pride which is sinful before the Lord, you are also ignorant as to the excellency of the heavens, and of the beauty which dwells in the society of the Gods. Were you to see an angel, you would see a beautiful and lovely creature. Make yourselves like angels in goodness and beauty.” [i]

Don’t think that beauty is only possible for a select few that fit the typical Hollywood standard of beauty either. To those who would say that there are just some women who will never be attractive, so why encourage them, I would suggest reading this quote from Jeffrey R. Holland:

“A woman not of our faith once wrote something to the effect that in her years of working with beautiful women she had seen several things they all had in common, and not one of them had anything to do with sizes and shapes. She said the loveliest women she had known had a glow of health, a warm personality, a love of learning, stability of character, and integrity. If we may add the sweet and gentle Spirit of the Lord carried by such a woman, then this describes the loveliness of women in any age or time, every element of which is emphasized in and attainable through the blessings of the gospel of Jesus Christ.”[ii]

If you are not doing this already, I’d like to suggest an experiment to do this week or month or coming year. Even if you think your wife is the most homely creature on the planet, always tell her that she is pretty. It is more important for a woman to be “pretty” when you’re just starting out complimenting her. “Beautiful” and “gorgeous” may make her think you’re up to something and disregard what you say, but “pretty” is a good starting word. Work up to “beautiful” and “gorgeous”.

Be as honest as you can, even if your honesty involves a little creativity on your part. If your wife has one particular feature that is truly pretty, start by complimenting that feature. Look for other ways where your wife expresses beauty in her person.

You will find that, as you tell her this, she will become more and more beautiful in appearance, both to you and eventually to others. You will allow her inner angel to come out.

In addition, you may notice a difference in your sex life as well, as her body image improves. Husbands have a great power in this regard to improve their own sex lives, yet neglect or even sabotage themselves with critical comments towards their wives’ appearance.

Husbands, do yourselves a favor. Find your wife’s inner beauty and create an environment in your relationship where it is free to blossom, free of withering criticism and sarcastic comments.

You can reap all the amazing benefits of such tactics, both in and out of the bedroom.

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[i] Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Brigham Young, pg 134

[ii] “To Young Women”, Jeffrey R. Holland, Ensign, October 2005

Sexless Marriage and the Sacrament

“Sexless marriage” is defined as married couples who, for one reason or another, do not have frequent or even any sexual activity in their marriage. As Mark Gungor pointed out in a recent blog, a married couple that have sex ten times a year or less (or less than once a month), falls under the definition of a sexless marriage.[i]

Such a situation is actually estimated to happen often.  Elena Donovan Mauer claims that as many as 20% of all marriages become “sexless” – as many as one in five.[ii]

I’ve heard some argue that it’s really no big deal. They tell me it’s a lifestyle choice, and if it works for a couple, then there’s certainly nothing that anyone can say about it. Some couples tell me “It’s harmless and it’s natural, and it happens to a lot of people.”

Our youth are able to go without sex and stay chaste. At an age when many young adults are sexually active outside of marriage, our missionaries manage to stay abstinent for two years. The apostle Paul in the New Testament seemed to prefer celibacy to marriage. [iii]

So it’s okay for married couples to remain celibate if that’s what they choose…right?

What the Scriptures and Apostles Say about Sexless Marriage

When we turn to the scriptures for an answer to this subject, there are no headings I have found in the Topical Guide about “sexless marriage” that we can refer to, so I had to dig a little deeper. We must instead look at what marriage actually is. What is marriage in the Lord’s eyes?

Modern day scripture tells us that God wants us, not only to be married, but to be sealed together forever and not just ‘til death us do part.’[iv]   

Charles Didier, a member of the Seventy, said, “This union [of marriage] is solemnized by the authority of the everlasting priesthood into a holy and sacred ordinance, the temple sealing. It is also called the new and everlasting covenant of marriage, and its purpose is to bind couples together on earth and bring them to a fullness of exaltation in the kingdom of God in the hereafter.” [v]

From an LDS perspective, we learn from these scriptures and apostolic references that marriage is much more than a legal social contract between two people. It is an ordinance and a covenant; a promise that we enter into with God and our spouses in His holy temples.

The Lord promises to bless us if we keep up our end of the covenant the best we are able, and repent when we make mistakes. The blessings of the marriage covenant are conditional upon our obedience to the Lord and in keeping our part of the agreement. 

When a couple knows that they can and will be married forever, it gives a strong incentive to be sexually faithful to one another and find peaceful loving solutions to their differences and problems.

As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we are a covenant-making people. From baptism to the marriage sealing, covenants are a part of our lives and what shapes us spiritually to be more like God.

The Renewal of a Covenant

“The covenant of baptism, with its ordinance of confirmation, opens the gate for eternal life.” [vi]

We are taught that baptism is also an ordinance and a covenant. It’s a promise between us and the Lord that we will continually repent of our sins and keep His commandments. This covenant creates a special bond with the Savior and allows us to always have his spirit with us as we promise to keep his commandments and be more like him.

Covenants require periodic renewal and reminders in order to keep them strong in our minds and hearts. This is necessary simply because we are human, and prone to quickly forget the promises we make. How do we renew the covenant we make at baptism?

“The cleansing power of our Savior’s Atonement is renewed for us as we partake of the sacrament.” [vii]

So our baptismal covenant is renewed when we take the sacrament at Sacrament Meeting every week.

Ideally, we create a habit of scheduling a time to go to church each and every week and take the sacrament.

So, what then do we do to renew our most sacred ordinance and covenant of marriage?

Jeffrey R. Holland said, “I wish to stress with you this morning…that sexual union is also, in its own profound way, a very real sacrament of the highest order…” [viii]

Likewise, when a couple marries in the house of the Lord, and makes that sacred covenant to Him, they renew their covenant by participating in regular physical intimacy with their spouse – the “sacrament” of sex.

Be Not Deceived; God is Not Mocked…(Gal. 6:7)

It may be hard for some to understand this – cultural misunderstandings around sex are very strong – but there are further parallels that can be explored which reinforce this idea. What happens to those who take the sacrament unworthily – who have not made or have broken their covenants?

“For he that eateth and drinketh unworthily, eateth and drinketh damnation to himself…” [ix]

So those who pretend they have made the covenant or don’t take it seriously, or only take it seriously when it’s convenient or they’re in the mood,  become damned by taking the sacrament of that covenant unworthily.

This is not “burning in a lake of fire” or eternal misery and suffering damnation as many think of when they hear the word…While damnation is certainly suffering and misery, I’d like to suggest another meaning of damned like a river is dammed. When a dam is placed on a river, the progression of the water is stopped, and cannot continue until the dam is removed.

Personal progression works in a manner similar to this.  Those who engage in premarital or extramarital sex are pretending they have made the marriage covenant, and thus “dam” their spiritual, emotional and psychological progression until they repent and remove that dam.

Lighting the Fire of the Covenant

But what about those who are married, and in a sexless marriage situation? These couples have made the covenant, but do not renew it, or do so very infrequently.  What do the scriptures and modern-day prophets teach us about the non-renewal of a covenant?

In the sacramental prayers, the promise given for the renewal of the covenant is, “…that they may always have his Spirit to be with them.” [x]

The promise that we receive from the Lord for partaking of the sacrament of baptism each week is that we will have the Lord’s Spirit to be with us and guide us. The sacrament is a sacred moment of our worship that unites 

“our will with God’s will, our spirit with his spirit, where communion through the veil becomes very real. At such moments we not only acknowledge his divinity, but we quite literally take something of that divinity to ourselves...” [xi]

If we do not take the sacrament each week as we are encouraged to do, we have the freedom to make that choice, but we cannot choose the consequences. By making this choice, we lose that opportunity to renew the Lord’s spirit to be with us.  Just like a fire that needs to be constantly fed and stoked, like clockwork,  those members who neglect to come to church and take the sacrament regularly allow the fire of their beliefs to slowly become extinguished and fall away from the church as a result.

 Likewise, if we refuse to partake in the “sacrament” of marital intimacy – that “symbolic union between a man and a woman – the uniting of their very souls” we lose the blessings of the covenant, and the fire of our devotion to each other begins to die.

 

A spouse who finds him or herself in a sexless marriage becomes frustrated, since their only acceptable outlet of sexual expression has closed off and rejected them. Self-esteem deteriorates. Confusion and frustration develop. Romantic feelings flicker out, and the couple may relate to each other as roommates or siblings instead of lovers in order to keep the peace. Intimacy starvation (which manifests itself as sexual temptation) can become very intense and unrelenting.

“Everything else is fine, but my spouse won’t have sex with me…”

I have yet to hear of a couple that gets married with the planned intention to be celibate. Most couples get married because they love each other and want frequent and gratifying sex all their lives. Even though each spouse’s sexual drive may be at different levels, if one spouse refuses to have sex, the other spouse can’t go to the neighbors down the street to help them gratify their sexual need. Not without negative consequences anyway.  

Let me re-emphasize that the constant refusal of sex from either partner may lead to the negation of the covenant promises of marriage, especially a marriage where a couple is married for eternity.  A marriage is not a covenant in full until both partners have held up their end of the agreement to the best of their ability.

"I know that what is sealed on earth is literally sealed in heaven - never to be broken if those being sealed remain faithful and endure to the end...I have observed over the years many couples who have been able to maintain strong and vital marriages as they remain true to the covenants they take upon themselves..."[xii]

“But my spouse wants to have sex too much…”

A difference of levels of desire is one of the most common issues included with the marriage package. It requires honest communication and loving reassurances to come to an agreement on what amount and kinds of sexual activity are acceptable to both spouses.

The idea that sex in marriage is a sacrament should be in our minds when we consider how often to engage in sex with our spouses.

“[Psychologist Tina] Tessina's best advice is [that sex should be engaged in] at least once a week, saying that "intimacy keeps you glued together. It's what you need in order to nurture your connection to your spouse. You'll be a lot happier with each other and feel more cared about if you're regularly having sex.”

“…when a couple has had a long period — say, several months — without sex, it's important to address the problem, so months don't become years, Tessina says. "Some couples won't have sex for two years and then come in to my practice and ask for help. We can get to the bottom of the problem at that point, but it's more challenging. If they haven't had sex for a couple of months, that's when they really should be asking questions. That's a good time to come in and have therapy. Otherwise, anger and frustration builds, and it takes longer to fix it that way." [xiii]

There will also be times when a sexless marriage is inevitable for a period of time. Situations such as military deployment, or the first few weeks after giving birth, or illness may make sexual activity difficult to impossible. However, these situations are not an excuse for shutting off all forms of sexual intimacy. There are many different ways of maintaining intimacy that will stave off a sexless marriage situation, even when spouses have to refrain for a time. [xiv]

Is Sexless Marriage a Lifestyle Choice, or Something Else?

It’s interesting to see how the devil works. Have you noticed?

Before we marry, he works very hard to get single people to have sex; and/or pretend to live a type of marriage covenant they haven’t actually made.  This stops (dams) social, emotional, and spiritual progression that can only be obtained through marriage.

After a couple is married, Satan and his followers work very hard to keep couples apart and from being intimate - physically, mentally and emotionally. His intent is to destroy everything that brings happiness.

Where can we gain our greatest happiness from but through a productive and cooperative marriage relationship?

 When a couple is emotionally healthy and physically able, sexless marriage is sabotage that blocks that married couple from progressing and being united. However, I have found that, even in the most physically or emotionally extreme circumstances, love does find a way. There are many ways to be sexually intimate, with or without vaginal intercourse.

“Once the marriage covenant is made, it is conceivable that a man might never be guilty of violence or of infidelity and yet could fail the greatest blessings possible because of his failure in his covenant marriage. He should strive to be the perfect husband…and positively do all things to make his family relationships as the Lord would have them be. Similar requirements are made of the wife.” [xv]

Ultimately, how any particular sexual relationship works has to be decided by the couple involved, with help from the Spirit and professional assistance if needed.  It must be a matter of frank, loving discussion and prayer. It’s not enough to say that one person is satisfied with a sexless marriage and the other is “able to cope” with the situation. If one person is unhappy, then the couple must come together to find common ground - so that we can be one in body, one in mind, and one in spirit and united with the Lord and his purposes.

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[i] Diane Brierley, “Sexless Marriage: The Desire Myth”, Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage blog for Mark Gungor, 9 Mar 2010, http://www.laughyourway.com/blog/desire-myth/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+laughyourway+%28Laugh+Your+Way+to+a+Better+Marriage%29

[ii] Mauer, Elena Donovan. “The Big No: The Truth About Sexless Marriage”, The Today Show blog on NBC, 8 Sep 2009, http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/32735936

[iii] 1Cor. 1: 1-9

[iv] D&C 131:2

[v] Charles Didier, Ensign, May 1994, italics added

[vi] James E. Faust, Ensign, Jan 2003

[vii] Dallin H. Oaks, Ensign, May 1999, italics added

[viii] Jeffrey R. Holland, 

“Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments,” in Brigham Young University 1987–88 Devotional and Fireside Speeches (1988), 78–79.

, italics added

[ix] 1 Cor 11:29

[x] D&C 20:77. This is the promise related to the blessing of the bread. A similar promise is in D&C 20:79 in the prayer said over the water.

[xi] Jeffry R. Holland, Of Souls, Symbols and Sacraments

[xii] Robert D. Hales, "Blessings of the Temple", Ensign, Oct. 2009, 46–49, www.lds.org, bolding and italics added

[xiii] Mauer, Elena Donovan. “The Big No: The Truth About Sexless Marriage”, The Today Show blog on NBC, 8 Sep 2009, http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/32735936

[xiv] See 1Cor. 7:5

[xv] Spencer W. Kimball, The Miracle of Forgiveness, pg. 97, italics and bolding added

Marriage: In the World, but Not Of the World?

Recently Time Magazine ran an article with a provocative headline: “Is Marriage Obsolete?” Many writers and bloggers have since weighed in with their own opinions, and here's my two cents.

What I'm about to say on this subject is not to play devil’s advocate, but to point out some very important differences between secular and religious perspectives. Most people are either largely secular in view or religious in view.

First of all, marriage (as it is defined in the doctrine for members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints ) is not a secular institution. It never was.

In a secular/agnostic/atheist/religion-less belief system, marriage is absolutely becoming obsolete. In the worldview, except for political or economic advantage, marriage just doesn't make sense and it has no purpose. If it did, it would be trained for in our schools, promoted in our media, and by everyone we encounter. There would be more legislation promoting and protecting marriage, and less resistance to programs that protect and promote the family.

Marriage is a religious institution. It was started by God and is a place where all the principles of religion come into play. (Genesis 2:22-25; 1 Corinthians 7:2)

God denying belief systems and Social Darwinism teach selfishness, survival of the fittest, sex with multiple partners as natural and not improper. Do what feels good now. Life has no purpose, and death leads to nothing…so why waste your life on being married to one person? Marry if you want, but it's okay to let go of the idea that you will be married your whole life. After few years, divorce and try someone else. Give someone else a chance to be happily married too for awhile. Or, if your marriage gets stale, try swinging. After all, it's only cheating if the other spouse doesn't consent. These are only some of the ideologies being preached out there.

If a marriage is going to work, it requires the principles of religion to survive. Principles such as love, selflessness, forgiveness, self-sacrifice, patience, honesty, respect, monogamy or at least fidelity in marriage, charity, moral integrity, temperance, kindness and many others are required here. I believe these are also the principles required to have a healthy society.

So, in the secular world, YES…the more religion is abandoned, and the principles of secularism embraced, then the more that marriage will fall out of fashion in society. Anytime a secular marriage succeeds, it is only when they adopt these rules from the rule book Christ laid out for marriage - even if they don't acknowledge the source from whence these virtues came.

Marriage is a religious institution and always will be a religious institution.

"Marriage is not without trials of many kinds. These tests forge virtue and strength. The tempering that comes in marriage and family life produces men and women who will someday be exalted. 
God has ordained that life should have its beginning within the protecting shelter of marriage, conceived in a consummate expression of love and nurtured and fostered with that deeper love which is accompanied always by sacrifice.
     UAdd a Note 

Marriage offers fulfillment all the way through life—in youth and young love, the wedding and on the honeymoon, with the coming of little children and the nurturing of them. Then come the golden years when young ones leave the nest to build one of their own. The cycle then repeats itself, as God has decreed it should"

– Boyd K. Packer, “Marriage”, April 1981, http://churchofjesuschrist.org/general-conference/1981/04/marriage?lang=eng

Do Your Sexual Practices Defile Something Sacred?

The following is a response to an email that was sent to me by one of my readers:

"Sam,
My name is Austin and my wife and I are students and BYU-I.

In a family foundations class the topic of what was "legal" to do with your wife and I  stumbled upon your blog when I was doing some research via Google.

I read your post about oral sex and completely agree and is exactly the way I interpreted it. I was under the understanding that as long as it was consensual it was okay. Now I am finding quite a few  references to the letter that was written to the leaders of the church. I had no idea that so many members believed that oral sex was doctrinally wrong.

I thought I remembered a talk during one of the General Conferences that either Gordon B. Hinckley said something to the effect that with the four walls of a married couples bedroom as long as it was consensual it was between them and God. Do you know what talk i am thinking about? If so, do you know exactly who said it and when? Anyway, thank you for your time and I await a response."

Hi Austin,

I am excited that you read my articles and I can appreciate your question.

This is an area of some significant disagreement among members, mostly because the General Authorities do not directly comment on it, General Authorities give “general” counsel that each couple must pray about and then apply to their specific situation, and some of those choices have to be decided as a couple - that apply only to that couple.

If you’d like more background on where some of these beliefs come from, I would recommend my blog called “The Sexual Spectrum.” I give a bit of history on different cultural beliefs about sex in society and the gospel.

I searched through the church archives and (unfortunately) was unable to find anything by President Hinckley or any other general authority that said anything specifically about consensual sexual activity between a husband and wife.

That would be a pretty good one if he did say that. I'll keep searching though and let you know if I find that phrase or anything close to it. If you or any of my other readers do find it, please email the reference to me at SamZaragoza@sbcglobal.net.

This is what I did find and I hope you will find it helpful.

Spencer W. Kimball said "There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join in a process of creation and in an expression of love’... (The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball [1982], 311)

The Bishop's Handbook instructs them that the church cannot tell a husband and wife what they can or cannot do sexually within the bonds of marriage. Your bishop would have to show you where that is at in his book. It's not something that is publicly distributed and is updated periodically.

I found that the General Authorities are pretty vague when they talk about sexual practices in marriage. Their main point seems to be to remind us not to forget to bear children while we are bonding with each other and gratifying each other sexually. All three functions are necessary and holy in marriage.

This article I found may help to put what the Presidents of the church want us to know about sexual practices in marriage - see "What Prophets and Apostles Teach about Chastity and Fidelity Ensign » 1998 » October" 

I believe that the key to knowing what is okay to do sexually in marriage (whether it be oral sex, anal sex, petting, necking, mutual masturbation, the use of sex toys, etc...) is understanding what the definition of "unholy practice" is.

The Topical Guide in the Bible tells me that to make something holy means to treat it as special, sacred, and protected from those that would mock or defile/profane it. The opposite would then be true of making something unholy. Unholy would then be to make something profane, ordinary, common, not special, and irrelevant. 

When it comes to sexual practices in marriage (whatever that practice may be), as suggested by the article I linked above, what the prophets and the Lord seem to want to impress on our minds is to keep it holy.

My understanding is that when we accept doing sexual practices outside of marriage, we’re defiling something that should be as guarded, sacred and holy as the ordinances in the temple. 

We keep sexual practices (whatever they may be) holy when a husband and wife only practice and discuss their sexual activities between each other.  Think of it in terms of what we learn and do in the Temple as your model. We would also be keeping our married sex sacred by discussing only with those who the couple can judiciously trust to also treat it with reverence.

If there is any “abstain from” for sexual practices in marriage, it’s profane erotica and coercion. 

“Pornographic or erotic stories and pictures are worse than filthy or polluted food. The body has defenses to rid itself of unwholesome food. With a few fatal exceptions, bad food will only make you sick but do no permanent harm. In contrast, a person who feasts upon filthy stories or pornographic or erotic pictures and literature records them in this marvelous retrieval system we call a brain. The brain won’t vomit back filth. Once recorded, it will always remain subject to recall, flashing its perverted images across your mind and drawing you away from the wholesome things in life.” 1

Here, brethren, I must tell you that our bishops and our professional counselors are seeing an increasing number of men involved with [profane erotica], and many of those are active members. Some involved in [profane erotica] apparently minimize its seriousness and continue to exercise the priesthood of God because they think no one will know of their involvement. But the user knows, brethren, and so does the Lord…

The scriptures repeatedly teach that the Spirit of the Lord will not dwell in an unclean tabernacle. When we worthily partake of the sacrament, we are promised that we will “always have his Spirit to be with [us].” To qualify for that promise we covenant that we will “always remember him” (D&C 20:77). Those who seek out and use [profane erotica] for sexual stimulation obviously violate that covenant. They also violate a sacred covenant to refrain from unholy and impure practices. They cannot have the Spirit of the Lord to be with them.” (Elder Dallin H. Oaks “Pornography” Ensign » 2005 » May )

I’d like to also add that pornographers take sexual practices that should be holy and sacred in marriage and present them as ordinary and not special. Their films are edited in such a way as to not show the reality, but to instead create a powerful impression on the subconscious mind that any sexual practices are okay to be performed between anyone, anywhere, at any time – with little consequence and only with a pleasurable outcome. We in the Church are taught that sexual activity and gratification belongs in the bounds of marriage and nowhere else and for no one else.

If you’re practicing oral sex with your wife as a foreplay and it strengthens your bond as a married couple, and you’re not doing it to the exclusion of having children, keep doing it and keep it sacred from the rest of the world.