Do You Have Challenges With Low Sex Drive?

 Low sex drive, low or no libido, erectile dysfunction, or vaginal dryness is something that affects thousands of people - including LDS couples. This clip I found has some helpful information. Please check it out and see if this applies to you. The marriage you save may be your own. 

If you or a loved one is suffering from depression, bi-polar or other psychological debilitations, I believe this is important to know when considering presented with psychotropic treatments.

Ask your physician what your options are. There are newer treatments (including natural supplements) that can be effective without affecting your ability to enjoy full marital intimacy.  

From A Distance - Masturbation in the LDS Marriage

WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred sexual nature and is intended for married couples only. Reader discretion is advised.

Hello everyone.

I’m still hammering out all the details for the next blog on the four marriage killers, but in the meantime, I wanted to share with you this interesting reader question I recently received: 

 

My wife and I are currently apart because I am out of town for school and business.  Is phone/Internet sex okay?  Why or why not? 

We discussed the issue on a chat site, and the reason she didn't want to try it was because she feels masturbation is wrong at any time.

I believe that masturbation is wrong before marriage as it is best for one to "bridle" their passions.  Now that we are married, and as you express on the blog many times, it is very confusing trying to do right by the LDS Church standards when there are no specifics when it comes to marriage. 

We have a fulfilling sex life together and we are very open and communicate with each other about everything.  So... if you have any suggestions or help as to how we can be intimate with each other over such a long distance, it would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks for your help and I look forward to your reply! 

-        Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for reading my blog and I’m grateful you have found it helpful. I can appreciate your concern as to how to keep the sexual spark strong between you and your wife when you are apart. I am sure there are many members of the Church faced with your same dilemma – especially those serving in the armed forces.

The best decision for your circumstance will ultimately come from you, your wife and the Lord. As you discuss with your wife what is acceptable for the both of you and make it a matter of prayer, the Spirit will guide you as to what you should do. What I can offer you are some suggestions to consider, with pros and cons for each.

The first aspect of your question I’d like to address is the concern about masturbation in marriage you mentioned. You said that your wife doesn’t want to engage in phone sex because masturbation is “wrong at any time.”

Masturbation outside of marriage is certainly out of the bounds the Lord has set; there are numerous references to this in Church doctrine. When it comes to masturbating in marriage, solo masturbation is not the best tool for keeping a healthy marriage and here is why.

Solo masturbation in marriage away from your spouse would be discouraged because it is a separating activity – not a bonding one. Biologically, neurons that fire together, wire together. This means that if solo masturbation is done over a long period of time the brain will re-program itself to associate sex with masturbation. It then becomes more difficult for a husband or wife to mentally or physically respond sexually with their spouse without it.  In addition, masturbating to profane erotica to “keep the peace” will also create the same result and is definitely not a bonding activity with your spouse, the Lord or the Holy Ghost.

When dealing with masturbation between married people, however, the rules shift slightly sometimes. It is sometimes appropriate for a married couple to use masturbation on a temporary basis as a learning tool, if the wife is unfamiliar with how her body will respond sexually. She can use it to show her husband how she likes to be touched, or he can demonstrate to his wife how he would like her to handle his genitals during sex. This use of masturbation is not sinful or separating in any way.

Mutual masturbation, which means to allow your spouse to manually stimulate you to orgasm with their hands or mouth or by using sex toys, is not forbidden in marriage, and often utilized as an acceptable form of foreplay between a married couple. There is nothing unrighteous or unholy or impure about a husband stimulating his wife, or the wife masturbating her husband, or both, if they both enjoy it. 

From the teachings of the prophets and other Church leaders and the scriptures, I have found no reference to any sexual practice in marriage being forbidden unless it’s done to prevent having any children, involves coercion or involves people we’re not married to.

What you’re talking about – which is essentially mutual masturbation using long-distance forms of communication – can be done, but carries some inherent risk, which you must decide for yourselves according to your situation how serious that risk is.  It is also more difficult to do if you are not already comfortable with masturbating together.

Since your wife seems to object to masturbation under any circumstances, this could be a source of friction. However, since you also say that your sex life is healthy and your communication is good, she may be able to let go of her reservations if it’s approached with some sensitivity to her feelings on the matter and with some further education. 

Reading my blog posts could help with that. Purchasing the “Eternal Marriage” textbook from the Church Distribution Center at www.churchofjesuschrist.org  (very cheap) could also be very helpful. It has a lot of material on intimacy from a gospel perspective. 

Other books I could recommend would be anything by Laura M. Brotherson, and Sexual Wholeness In Marriage by Carroll, Busby and Leavitt (ISBN-10: 0981957641), particularly pages 209 - 213 address concerns about masturbation in marriage.

It would also be good to keep in mind the inherent limits of what you’re attempting to do. Phone sex could be overheard or recorded by others on the same line, especially over cell phones or wireless connections; there is a slight risk of this. 

Using Skype or a video camera would add a visual element, but can leave the woman feeling particularly vulnerable, especially since such video could be (and has been) recorded and put on the Internet without the woman's knowledge or consent. 

Your trust level with your spouse would have to be relatively high for her to feel comfortable with expressing her sexuality with you this way, and you wouldn’t want to do anything that could potentially violate that trust. If you’re communicating over a Wi-Fi connection that’s not heavily encrypted, my understanding is that anyone with a computer in close vicinity could possibly tap into your conversation.

There are physical limits to what you can do over the phone or online as well. When we are physically together with our spouse and having sex, there are physiological, spiritual, and emotional functions other than just penis-in-vagina happening.

When you make physical contact with your spouse, there is an ionic current that flows and circulates between you. Positive and negative ions are being exchanged through skin contact. Visual, aural, olfactory, taste and mental connections are made. Our spirits are connecting. We are literally having sex with our whole being. It is a complete experience. A husband and wife become one.

If we masturbate to phone sex, you may have a physical release of sexual tension, but the rest of the experience – the electrical exchange through skin, the other senses other than auditory and maybe visual – are deprived. Chances are good you will still be left with a feeling of “something is missing.” The spiritual and emotional parts of you and your spouse will still be sexually frustrated. Over long periods, this frustration can build and make you both vulnerable to sexual temptations.

If you are away from your spouse for a short time on a business trip or an internship of a short duration (say, three months or less) and you are engaging in phone sex or cyber-sex with your spouse, I don’t see this as creating an insurmountable problem. If you are doing it together and both enjoying it, it is a bonding activity and is fine.

The problem is more likely to present itself if we practice married phone or cyber-sex over an extended period (months, years). The brain will re-wire itself if this is practiced over a long period of time, making it more difficult to connect with our spouse sexually when we return.

It may not be noticed at first, but over time you may begin to find it difficult to be aroused by your spouse. You may find yourself craving phone or cyber-sex as the preferred method of arousal. At this stage, it’s gone from a fun/bonding experience to a separating sexual habit or leaves you vulnerable to succumbing to the attentions of another lonely woman who stays in proximity to you.

When it comes to being apart for long periods of time, I feel the apostle Paul gave some sound advice.  In I Corinthians 7: 2 – 5 (the Joseph Smith Translation) he said,

“Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband…

…Depart ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.”

I understand this to mean that our spouse is supposed to be there for us sexually so we are not tempted to fornicate or commit adultery. If we have to be apart from our spouse for a long time:

1. The length of time has to be with their consent and,

2.  We are to "fast" from sex until we can be with our spouse and have sex with them again.

The spouses of our military service men and women don’t have the luxury of consent. Before marriage, it must be (and usually is) understood that they mentally have to prepare themselves to accept the lifestyle of extended deployments. Sexual discipline must come with the territory, if a Church member chooses to keep the law of chastity under these circumstances.

Those who travel frequently such as executives, or people who put in long hours of work, such as doctors, will be away from their spouse for long periods of time. This needs to be understood before entering into the relationship. Both spouses have the responsibility to be there sexually for their spouse as much as possible in order to keep the relationship healthy.

In my blog post, “The Four Marriage Killers”, separation is listed as a marriage killer. Any physical separations that happen in a marriage should be kept to the bare minimum. As Paul stressed in the scripture above, the temptations are just too strong, as you have also undoubtedly experienced.

Many good marriages die simply by too much separation. Many marriage partners starved for intimacy in these circumstances find themselves in the arms of someone closer and more available and wonder how they got there.

As I talk about in many of my posts, the purpose of marriage (and sex in marriage) is to build eternal family units and strengthen the relationship bonds between a husband and wife. As members of Christ’s church, we are taught to follow the Spirit of the law.

A good way to do this is to ask ourselves, “Is this sexual activity bringing us closer together or separating us?” That is the rule of thumb; that is what I mean when I say use the Spirit of the law. 

If you find it difficult to bond successfully through phone sex or cyber-sex, may I suggest “fasting” sexually until you can be together again…and get together again as quickly and as often as possible.

Another thing to keep in mind is that the "bridle your passions" rule of the law of chastity still applies when we are married in many respects. 

Consider if you or your spouse dies. You will be separated from them for a long period of time. Masturbation is not an acceptable option to the Lord when we are single, even if we've been married before. Sexual release is not required to stay healthy and no one has died from lack of it. 

So, when on long deployments (or even short ones) both spouses practicing self-control and self-discipline sexually could prove to benefit you both - should (heaven forbid) something go mortally wrong, and will help ease a transition for the living spouse to go from married, sexually active, to no sexual activity for a time. 

What we can't live without is emotional intimacy and human contact. For that, of course get back to each other as soon as possible and find other ways to meet that emotional need for each other. 

The bottom line is, this is an Adam-and-Eve decision given to you and your wife to make together, with prayer and confirmation from the Holy Ghost.  No one can make this sacred decision for you. If you have an open, loving and communicating friendship with your wife or husband, that is key to success.

Good luck to you and your spouse in whatever you decide to do. Hopefully you will be back together again soon, enjoying healthy, unifying marital intimacy. 

- Coach Sam Zaragoza

The Four Marriage Killers - SILENCE

Most people naturally gravitate toward where they find love and acceptance. In contrast, they will avoid people and situations that cause them pain or make them feel rejected.

Like a finely tuned machine, the following scenarios work beautifully for the adversary, because when we feel like we cannot talk with our spouse, resentments accumulate and build and drive a wedge between couples. Silence separates.

“He that speaketh, whose spirit is contrite, whose language is meek and edifieth, the same is of God…”[1]

Good Silence vs. Toxic Silence

“Tenderness and respect – never selfishness – must be the guiding principles in the intimate relationship between husband and wife.” [2]

Most of us will not be inclined to talk to our spouse about what feels good to us or is important to us, sexually or otherwise, especially in an atmosphere where there is a  fear of rejection or contention.

This doesn’t mean that all silence is bad. A sociable silence feels very different from a toxic silence. When silence is exercised in terms of restful or quiet reflection, or at reverent times, both partners are feeling good, and are not actually silent but may actually engage in a large amount of positive nonverbal communication (smiles, winks, giggling, touching etc.)

Toxic silence means that all positive communication has ended. If there is communication at all, it becomes negative (crossed arms, frowns, turning away from them, avoiding topics of discussion etc.)

When a husband is in the throes of passion with his wife and about to get intercourse, the last thing he wants to do is start an argument or do anything that he feels could potentially turn his wife off. Even though both need to communicate to understand what the other wants or needs sexually, both may remain silent out of fear of disrupting the mood.

Sexual Performance and Rejection

“One word could mean approval or denial, blessing or cursing, doubt or knowledge, friendship or enmity. The way we say one word, the intonation we use, may cause love or hate.”[3]

A man takes his ability to perform sexually very seriously. Many mens’ self-esteem has their foundation built on their sexual potency. If a man finds that he has a physical ailment that decreases or eliminates his libido, he may verbally shut down because he feels embarrassed and fears his wife will think of him as less than a man or unattractive.

Woman can also suffer from rejection due to sexual performance or rejection of advances.  If the husband criticizes his wife in the area of sexual performance or availability, poisonous silence can result, which is an indication of her resentment and hurt feelings.

A spouse may have an addiction to pornography, or feels strong feelings of attraction for another person, or hold some other secret they don’t share for fear of persecution or rejection.. They may be searching for a way out of these situations, but may fear how their spouse (the person who should be their greatest ally in their battle against temptation) will react.

Lack of Adequate Communication Skills

Communication skills are learned; they are not automatic. Many families lack the essential communication skills to adequately nurture a loving relationship. A tool that would be valuable to any married couple (whether engaged or married for years) is to meet with an LDS marriage and family therapist or take a course in communication as a couple at your local community college.

For example, the textbook “Human Communication” teaches:

 “Communication is dependent on the interaction of two communicators and one person cannot guarantee its success. Others may have conflicting goals, have different perspectives or communicate incompetently. Learning individual communication concepts and specific communication skills is essential to effective interaction.”[4]

Lowering the Defensiveness that Fosters Silence

We become defensive when we feel attacked or have been attacked in the past. We may be one who holds to the belief “once bitten, twice shy.” For our marriage to be healthy, trust is essential. Trust, however, cannot be given. It has to be earned. So how do we maintain the kind of trust that will eliminate silence in the relationship?

“Human Communication” goes on to show that “…Trust must be established between individuals and not be based on roles, positions or status. In other words, people should come to relationships without all the trappings of the roles they play. Reducing defensiveness is essential to building trust...” [5]

Instead of evaluating or judging our spouse’s behavior, we can report our observations of the situation or explain how our spouse's behavior makes us feel.

Instead of acting as if you have the ultimate solutions to the problem, you can approach your spouse in a spirit of being willing to listen and readiness to entertain multiple ideas.

Avoid a mind-set of apathy towards your spouse. You need them and they need you. If you want healthy communication, it’s more conducive to show your concern by listening to your spouse.

Listen to both what they say and how they say it. Try restating back to your spouse what they just said. Do this until what your spouse is trying to say matches your interpretation of what they said.

Because men and women naturally communicate differently, it’s important that both recognize what the spouse is trying to do when they restate what you have said to them. It isn’t to belittle or patronize you, and you can choose to interpret it as a genuine effort of your spouse to listen and understand.

In the eyes of the Lord, a husband and a wife are equal in status no matter what the world’s cultures say. We communicate this to our spouse by speaking to them as an equal. Neither can we manipulate our spouse for our own personal benefit. It is more productive be open and without deceit when we talk with our spouse.

Abuse Leads to Toxic Silence

Any kind of abuse can also put a damper on a person’s willingness to communicate. Physical abuse is easier to identify, but what about emotional abuse? The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has defined emotional abuse to include such behaviors as:

·        name-calling
·        sarcastic comments
·        demeaning statements
·        trivializing the achievements of your spouse
·        put-down humor aimed at your spouse
·        fault-finding
·        intimidation
·        withholding information or affection as retribution for real or imagined wrongs
·        perpetual estrangement – refusing to forgive and/or collecting past wrongs
·        refusing to share in the good or bad emotions of others
·        setting inappropriate rules (no Church service, no visitors, no phone calls)
·        manipulation of others through guilt, pity or blame [6]

An atmosphere of abuse will lead to toxic silence. It is because there is no safe way of communicating with the abusive spouse without being drawn into painful confrontations.

In this situation, a common inclination (in order to avoid or rebound from rejection or a disagreement, emotional discomfort, or to avoid the risk of divorce) is for defensiveness to go up and for communication to shut down.

I believe that abuse patterns - received during childhood - tend to perpetuate when relating and reacting in situations that will arise during marriage. Therefore, new patterns must be learned to prevent the inherited abuse pattern from damaging a newly formed family.

How to Relate to Your Spouse in a Situation of Toxic Silence

To begin to eliminate toxic silence and improve communication, it’s important to first understand that undesirable behaviors are mostly learned. When a person enters into a marriage, they are given a whole new set of circumstances that they did not have to deal with when they were single.

When a person is given a challenge that is only experienced in marriage, they will respond to it according to the examples they recall from memory. Generally this comes from “How did Mom/Dad/Grandpa/Grandma behave in this situation?” or “I remember the married couple on my favorite TV sitcom/drama who responded like this in this situation and that seemed to work for them.”

We may not think this consciously, but when faced with a problem that needs immediate attention; our brain will search for a memory file to draw from to quickly to respond the situation. That memory is how we will react if we do not have a positive response to draw from. Every time the situation occurs, we will rely on whatever is in our memory –even if it’s abusive.

If your spouse begins to exhibit problems with pornography or emotional abuse or excessive anger, your spouse is not necessarily an evil person because of these habits. Would you have been attracted to him or her in the first place if they were evil to the core? I don't believe we would.

If a person has habits of being coercive or of yelling or of addiction or other forms of abuse, these are learned behaviors. I believe that in more cases than not, these dysfunctional attributes do not come from the pupil, but from the teacher and the environment they were raised in.  Such habits may take years, decades or even a lifetime of vigilance of both husband and wife to correct. This is why it is important to maintain an eternal perspective. We are all struggling to become like our loving Heavenly Father and our savior Jesus Christ. This will may not be accomplished in a lifetime for any of us.

Positive responses to life’s varied circumstances can be learned from the scriptures or Church leaders, and from positive role models with a clear code of ethics.

I choose to believe that people want to be good – that they want to be the best husband or wife, and the best lover – they can be. They just may not know how or believe they can. I also believe bad habits and bad patterns can be reprogrammed, if the person is willing to learn good habits to replace them.

Other Ways to Communicate to Avoid Toxic Silence

A powerful remedy for the root causes of toxic silence is the Christ like trait of open, honest, patient and loving communication.

“But to do good and to communicate forget not: for with such sacrifices God is well pleased.”[7]

Be careful in how you say the word ‘no’. Telling the other spouse “no” (in any way), and especially when approached with an offer to have sex can also lead to hurt feelings and a lack of trust and reduced communication.

Instead of saying no, you could try saying “YES, I would love to have sex with you but can we do it later?” This helps the initiating spouse not feel rejected when you find yourself in the middle of something that you are unable to break away from, or if you need a little more time to get mentally prepared for intimacy.

If you need help getting into the mood, by all means, let them know what would help you. Give your spouse an opportunity to be successful, and you will get what you want too. Be mindful that expecting your spouse to read your mind is not practicing good communication skills.

Communicating When We Feel Angry

“…he that has the spirit of contention is not of me but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger one towards another. Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away.”[8]

People get angry; there’s no point in saying we’re not angry when we are. If we bury anger, it will go somewhere else. It can resurface in other, less desirable ways such as depression or expressing anger in the wrong context (yelling at the kids or the dog when we’re really mad at our spouse).

We can learn ways to express anger without yelling. For instance, writing a letter may help get your feelings out and open the pathways of communication. President Gordon B Hinckley teaches that “…communication is essentially a matter of talking with one another. Let that talk be quiet for quiet talk is the language of love. It is the language of peace. It is the language of God.”[9]

“When you do this, I feel angry” is another way of releasing our feelings in ways that don’t alienate others and shut down all communication. Agreeing to take turns speaking instead of yelling over each other can be a great way to open communication that has shut down.

Good communication skills are not an optional thing in marriage. They are celestial in nature; they are essential to a healthy marriage. It is also a commandment.[10]

 Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ set the example. Pay attention the next time you attend the temple. Listen for all the over-communication that’s modeled for all of us. Over-communication is better than not enough, and the more you practice, the more you come to find an acceptable level that you both are comfortable with and will prevent toxic silence.

The Benefits of Communication

When we lower our defenses and look at each other as allies instead of rivals and increase our communication, intimacy and sex actually get better and are more fun. It’s more fun because it then goes from something we are doing to each other, to something a couple does together.

Being married means sharing. If you sense avoidance from your spouse or they seem to clam up when you are around, ask them if they feel like they can’t trust you with their feelings. If they don’t, quietly and calmly discuss why. You may not like what you hear, but you’ve got to understand the depth of the problem if you want to find the solution and eliminate any silence that my be killing your marriage.

Your spouse is the person you should trust the most. Discuss your issues with love and patience and most of all – without judgment. Be proactive. Think of what your spouse does or says as a potential way to serve them and show them how much you want to love and support them. Use the Atonement and pray for help from the Lord in overcoming hurt feelings and in learning to communicate better with each other.

Anytime your marriage seems in trouble, ask yourself “Are we not communicating? Is there too much silence between us?”

For some additional tips on how to communicate more effectively with your spouse, I would also like to suggest Elder Marvin J. Ashton’s article “Family Communications”

---

[1] Doctrine and Covenants 52:16

[2] Howard W. Hunter,  Ensign November 1994 pg.51

[3] Charles Didier, “Language: A Divine Way of Communicating”, Ensign, Nov 1979

[4] Judy Pearson et al Human Communication 3^rd edition McGraw Hill New York, New York 2008 pg 158

[5] Judy Pearson et al Human Communication 4^th edition McGraw Hill New York, New York 2011 Pg 154

[6] From the 1995 booklet, “Responding to Abuse: Helps for Ecclesiastical Leaders” as listed by Judy Olson, in the Ensign article “The Invisible Heartbreaker”, June 1996

[7] Hebrews 13:16

[8] 3 Nephi 11:29-30

[9] “Cornerstones of a Happy Home”, Gordon B. Hinckley, Satellite broadcast fireside, 29 Jan 1984

[10] Doctrine and Covenants 136:23-24

The Four Marriage Killers

In my earlier blogs I talked about how marriage is a religious institution. What I mean by that is that marriage can only work and be happy if built upon the principles that God gives to us. It was established by God from the beginning and was created for the intent to help us (as His children) to grow, progress and become more like Him.

Even if a person doesn’t believe in God, if that person wants his/her marriage to succeed and be happy they will find themselves living the eternal principles of God, whether they recognize the source or not. Principles such as patience, charity, trust, love, compassion and forgiveness are universal to all religions and creeds, because they are the basic principles of peace and happiness.

Satan doesn’t want marriages to succeed, and for good reason. Here we find some of our greatest joys. We provide bodies for God’s children through sacred sexual union. We are required to be Christ-like with each other. Marriage is a tool that helps us become like God.

When we live by principles that are contrary to the gospel, our marriages sicken and are not happy. A couple may wind up living as mere roommates. They may be married in name only and living separate lives. The doors of infidelity are always open. Abuse may be the norm. Intimacy and courtship are neglected, or simply don’t exist. Any love that used to exist in the marriage may also die. Separation is inevitable in such a marriage, even if the couple physically remain together.

Being Christian doesn't make us immune from being influenced by the adversary’s voice. In fact, we are probably under more attack from Satan and his followers because we are trying to be like Christ. More than anything, he wants families and marriages to fail.

The most popular instruments (I have observed) that he uses to devastate marriages are what I call the four marriage killers: 

Silence,

Secrets, 

Separation,

and Selfishness. 

In my interviews with couples that are struggling, I have found that these are often the main underlying causes that lead to a couple having difficulty becoming or staying intimate and sexual with each other.

Click on the links to see these four marriage killers, along with strategies on how to counter them.

Got Sexual Tension?

The media in our culture celebrates love and sexual chemistry in romance after romance. We feed on “Boy-Meets-Girl” stories like each new one is the first one ever made.

Single man meets single woman. The fireworks fly…will they get together? Won’t they? Yes, they will, and there’s a glorious wedding with a happily-ever-after shot. Even in scripture, we have our love stories…

“…Rachel was beautiful and well favored. And Jacob loved Rachel…and Jacob served seven years for Rachel; and they seemed unto him but a few days, for the love he had to her.” – Genesis 29:17, 18, 20

…as well as some romantic tragedies…

“And it came to pass in an eveningtide, that David arose from off his bed, and walked upon the roof of the king’s house: and from the roof he saw a woman washing herself; and the woman was very beautiful to look upon…

And David sent messengers, and took her…” – 2 Samuel 11: 2-4

Usually, before we marry, we feel that spark of sexual tension for our loved one. Ideally, we fall in love with each other, decide to marry, and then we live as man and wife.

After the honeymoon and the routine of life and being married has a chance to settle in, that fire of passion we once experience with our spouse loses its intensity. For some, the flame gets completely extinguished in the process of living, even if you stay good friends.

Later, we may meet other people and feel that sexual tension again. We get confused. Have we fallen out of love? Should we follow our feelings, and upend our lives to favor this other person we now “love”? Why has our sexual passion gone away with my spouse and reappeared for another person like this?

The answer to this question lies in part in the nature of boundaries.

To illustrate, using a physics principle, tension can be created and intensified by using a resistant force. For example, when you pick up a rubber band and stretch it with both hands, you can observe tension on the rubber band. That tension is released when the resistant forces (your hands) let go.

When we are single, we may feel natural sexual desire for a compatible member of the opposite sex. That desire is typically intensified by a resistant force. As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we are required to bridle our passions. To obey the law of chastity and laws of the land.

The law of chastity and the laws of the land create a mental, emotional, spiritual and legal resistant force by telling us we cannot engage in any sexual activity before we are married or (those deemed illegal) without consequences.

When we get married, that boundary is removed with your spouse, but still exists with those we are not married to. 

We love our spouse, but we now have free range for sexual expression with each other. Forever bliss, right?

Not necessarily.

Without introducing some kind of resistant force or the "forbidden", sexual tension in marriage will naturally diminish even if love remains. You see your spouse across the room. You feel a desire to touch or kiss him or her. You walk across the room and do just that. If your relationship is positive, then you’ve easily surrendered to any resistant force you may have felt. There’s no inner angst, no wondering how they feel, or wondering if they’ll kiss you back. When you've got the urge, you can act as long as nothing is there to tell you "you're not allowed".

Perhaps you've seen or heard in the movies how a leading man and a leading lady can create so much romantic chemistry, that they believe it themselves? Those feelings spill over into their private lives and they become a real couple…perhaps they even marry. Once this happens, and they then attempt to make another romantic movie together, often their previous chemistry feels weak by comparison.

Why? This is because of the nature of sexual tension. They are comfortable with each other, and it usually shows. Their real-life relationship doesn’t have the same tension in it while they were dating.

You may have also observed characters on TV or in real life who are promiscuous and declare to their new love that they can only get turned on by having sex in public, or an elevator, or under a table in a restaurant, or in a parked or moving car, or on the beach etc…

Some of you may have even tried these things in your marriage (to get the spark back) and found it didn’t do much for you. So, why do they do that and feel that way?

The answer is sexual tension. Not everyone lives by the law of chastity. Some are even raised and encouraged to have casual sex as "the norm". Without the boundary of the law of chastity, they must create or find other boundaries  to get sexual tension. Without the laws of God to restricting them, what they have left are the variable social laws of relationships  and the laws of the land.

All the sex-in-public activities I mentioned above are illegal in most countries and can be considered perversions as well. They're “forbidden”.  Why does a promiscuous man feel a draw to have sex with prostitutes? It’s legally “forbidden.” Things that are forbidden create sexual tension. They are an artificial (sometimes illegal and somewhat dangerous) substitute for the law of chastity, or just plain old fashioned bridling our passions.

Another person outside the marriage (outside the boundaries the Lord has set) may cause a spouse to feel sexual tension again. That’s because (in addition to our natural reproduction functions) they are outside accepted boundaries. While this can be exciting to pursue initially, it often ends in frustration, alienation of your spouse or other undesirable results.

Instead of looking outside your marriage for those exciting feelings of tension, we can learn to create them within our marriage instead.

Laura M. Brotherson has exercises in her book “And They Were Not Ashamed” that can help a couple rebuild those sexual tensions.These are her sensate exercises found in chapter 12.

Another effective exercise can be found in my blog post “Ancient Hebrew Sex Secrets.”

Both of these follow some basic principles and are easy to do. While there are many creative ways a married couple can create sexual tension, these are two that I highly recommend.

What are some other ways to reignite the spark of sexual tension that you can think of?

Is the Bishop in Your Bedroom?

You said in one of your posts that Church authorities have said they will not interfere in the bedroom and will not say what is or is not OK between a man and a wife in sexual intimacy. I am glad that they don't, and feel it is no one’s business as long as both parties agree with what is going on and as long as they don't indulge in "sexual extremes."

However, I have still had TWO bishops tell me that oral and anal sex is forbidden even in marriage. I don't care what they say about anal, I have no desire to go there, but I feel that my husband and I would both enjoy oral sex.

I feel like it has a taboo and refuse to let my husband do it because of what these bishops have said. I know the best way to get an answer is to pray about it, but I can't bring myself to pray about sex.

I guess I am asking what you think. Should I listen to my bishop or should my husband and I decide for ourselves what is or isn't extreme??

-anonymous

Dear Reader,

I get these kinds of questions a lot, and when I was newlywed, I had the same question. Someone outside our church might consider this strange, but it’s not strange when you consider our beliefs, and it’s an honest question that deserves discussion.

My short answer to your question is that you should do both. Let me explain.

“Mine house is a house of order, saith the Lord God, and not a house of confusion”.[i]

When you’re looking for answers to questions regarding your married sex life, the Church counsels us to follow a certain order. This order can be found in the student publications printed by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints; “Achieving a Celestial Marriage” and also “Eternal Marriage.”

 

The first step is always prayer.

And now, my beloved brethren, I perceive that ye ponder still in your hearts; and it grieveth me that I must speak concerning this thing. For if ye would hearken unto the Spirit which teacheth a man to pray, ye would know that ye must pray; for the evil spirit teacheth not a man to pray, but teacheth him that he must not pray.” [ii]

“If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not, and it shall be given him” [iii]

I noticed in your question that you are hesitant to pray to the Lord about sex. I have learned that there are many who share your same concern.

Without a personal interview with you, I cannot know your reasoning for not praying about your married sex life, but I can absolutely assure you that God is very interested in the success of your sex life, and wants to counsel you about it.

There is nothing we do sexually that could possibly shock the Lord. It was him after all that commanded all things to have sex – including Adam and Eve. Sexual intimacy is as vital to the health of a marriage as breathing and eating are to our physical bodies. Marriages and the love within those marriages – especially temple marriages – will shrivel and die without it. It’s that important.

For more clarification on this from our Church leaders, I invite you to read my other blog posts. I would especially recommend my post on Sexless Marriage and the Sacrament for your review.

So begin with prayer. Approach the Lord with your marital issues, big or small, and ask for counsel and guidance. Listen for his response through the Spirit.

The next appropriate step for finding counsel about married sex is to study the problem and go to the scriptures.

Yes, the scriptures talk about sex, and there’s more there than just sexual immorality. If we pray first and find it’s difficult to get a clear answer then we should go to the scriptures. The Lord will open your mind to revelation that can’t be found any other way. The scriptures are more than just a book; they’re a medium of revelation.

Other steps you might take in tandem with reading the scriptures might be looking up counsel from living prophets and apostles. Living ones are more relevant than past prophets and apostles, but a lot of knowledge is available through those who have gone before. You might also attend the temple with your questions on your mind, and while you’re doing service there, the answer may open to you. My wife and I received a lot of revelation about our relationship while serving in the temple.

I would also recommend learning more about the specific question you have. Whether it’s a problem, or if you’re curious about a particular sexual practice, Google it, or look up information at the library.  

Realize, however, that most of the sources about sexual practices that are available will contain a lot of worldly perspectives. Most of them conflict with the gospel in one way or another.

Find LDS sources if you can. Laura M. Brotherson’s blog or book "And They Were Not Ashamed" are terrific, especially for women. My other blog posts have lots of valuable information available as well.  Contact me on my blog or by email anytime for questions, and I will do my best to help you find answers.

While you’re investigating the specific problem, continue to pray about it and read from the scriptures and Conference talks. God usually won’t give you an answer if you don’t “study it out in your own mind” first.[iv]

Seeking Counsel from Our Parents and Grandparents

“If there are righteous priesthood fathers or grandfathers on either side, there may be wisdom in applying to them for counsel, for their knowledge of basic character factors is often greater than others.” [v]

If you exhaust these options, and you still can’t find an answer, the next appropriate step is to ask your family patriarchs and matriarchs. That’s right…I said ask your parents, or your grandparents, about sex. This should be considered before we ask our church leaders.

I know that some of you may cringe at the very thought, but bear with me for a moment.  Your parents and grandparents, by virtue of their position in your family, are entitled to receive revelation for you. This is still the case even if you’re grown, married and not living with them anymore.

To parents, President Ezra Taft Benson counseled “Fathers, yours is an eternal calling from which you are never released. … Its importance transcends time. It is a calling for both time and eternity” [vi]

Your parents have lived years longer than you have. They are farther down the road of experience than you are. They know you, and chances are good they love you. You’re married; they’re not going to be surprised that you’re having sex with your spouse. I’m sure they hope that you are having good sex with your spouse.

If you approach them for counsel, not only will they do their best to counsel you with wisdom, but they will probably pray morning and night for you until things improve. You would be hard-pressed to find a marriage counselor that will approach and petition heaven in your behalf.

If they are righteous, and if your relationship is such that you can talk relatively comfortably about marital intimacy issues with them, I would not ignore this avenue of finding answers.

Seeking Counsel from the Bishop

Now, if you’re praying about the problem (notice I say “praying” – one prayer will probably not be enough to solve a difficult problem), continuing to read scriptures, reading Conference talks, going to the temple if you’re able, and asking your parents if you’re able – if you still need clarification – now is the time to go and ask the bishop about the problem – and even before you do that, there are some things you need to know about the bishop or stake president.

Your bishop may be an old man. He may be a very young man. He might be a lawyer for a living, or a plumber, or a janitor. It’s highly unlikely he will be trained as a sex therapist or marriage counselor…but he doesn’t have to be.

When he was ordained as a bishop, he was given a mantle of authority from the Lord. This mantle doesn’t allow him to read your mind, and it doesn’t automatically make him better or more spiritual than any other member of his congregation.

Through this mantle the bishop is given the ability to discern if something is spiritually wrong in your life. [vii]

 If you are interviewing with him, and you are withholding anything that may make you unworthy spiritually, he may sense that something is spiritually wrong. He will tell you that, and encourage you to share more with him so that he can get a better idea of what’s happening in your life. His handbook of instruction tells him not to lead or suggest things for you to confess. Your confession (if any) must be yours and yours alone.

If there is a problem with a certain sexual practice in your married life, and you counsel with the bishop about it, he will probably counsel you to discontinue. But you must consider why you received that counsel.

Did the bishop sense a spiritual problem occurring? Some problems that are sexual have a spiritual problem at their base, and no marriage therapist or professional can sense that as well as your bishop can. That is what that leader’s mantle gives to them, and how the bishop can help your marriage in that way.

You did say that two bishops have already told you that oral and anal sex is forbidden even in marriage for all people. The fact is that the scriptures and the words of the living prophets do not currently support this view. There is nothing I have found in repeated searches of any of our scriptures, nor in over 30 years’ worth of Conference talks that says that oral or anal sex is forbidden for heterosexual married couples.

So why would they give you this counsel then? There could be any number of reasons.

It could be a reflection of their personal worldviews. A person who joins the LDS Church has not necessarily left former worldviews behind. It could be leftover puritanical beliefs from their convert ancestors that your church leader was raised with. Many of the world's religions have their own doctrine and traditions about what is an "acceptable" sexual practice in marriage.[viii] 

Many in the wider Christian world feel these practices are not righteous, but they may also feel that any kind of sexual contact is inherently sinful, or that the body is evil by nature. They may feel that we only need to endure sex now to have children, and that someday in the next world we will leave all things of a sexual nature behind.

The gospel of Jesus Christ does not support any of these views.[ix]

Another reason your bishop or stake president may advise you to abstain is because of the laws of the land where you live. You don’t specify the area you live in, but in some areas of the United States and world, certain sexual practices are currently illegal, even in a heterosexual marriage.

As an example, because of the way the sodomy laws are phrased in Utah (as of the date of this post), they could easily be interpreted in a way that oral and anal sex are illegal between any two people, regardless of gender or marital status.

In contrast, the state of Texas’ current laws on sodomy state that oral and anal sex are illegal if practiced between two people of the same sex, or homosexuality, which is outside of  our definition of marriage.

A bishop or stake president will never counsel you to break the laws of the land, nor should they (regardless of whether or not those laws can be enforced).

Now, if this is the case, and you choose to engage in these practices anyway, you are breaking the law, which can endanger your worthiness for a recommend as we believe in obeying the laws of the land.

If you don’t feel the law is a just law, you as a citizen of your state or country can work to change that law, or you are also free to move to a different area where laws are not a conflict.

Someone reading this may get hung up on the word “sodomy.” We are taught as Latter-Day Saints that sodomy is evil and should never be practiced. Each state and federal law has their own definition as to what sodomy is. 

When it comes to how the Lord defines it, the only definition I found was in the King James Version of the Bible’s Topical Guide. Under the entry for “sodomy”, only the words “see homosexuality” are found. Homosexuality is impossible to practice within the marital bounds the Lord has set.

I have been unable to find any other definition on www.churchofjesuschrist.org or elsewhere in other Church reference materials. My understanding is this is how the Lord, the prophet and twelve apostles define it. Oral or anal sex is not defined in the scriptures as an evil practice when it is exercised in marriage.

Bishops and stake presidents are counseled to give instruction based upon the scriptures and their handbooks. It is very likely that they are told that if a sexual practice in marriage bothers a member enough to ask them about it, they are to advise you to discontinue it.

Bishops and stake presidents are people too – usually extremely busy and burdened people, having taken on a calling that’s the equivalent of a full-time, volunteer job. Most bishops and stake presidents do a heroic service in this capacity.

Putting ourselves in their shoes, if you were a bishop, and you were counseled by your stake president to tell people to discontinue practices that bother them, and when people continually don’t pray about or research it for themselves and then approach you about the rightness of oral or anal sex in marriage…do you see where this is going? It’s not hard to make the assumption that, if so many people are unsure about it, then it must not be okay for anyone.

Finally, you may also live in an area of the world (like the Congo or the Amazon where there is no running water, disease is rampant and you live in a hut with a dirt floor) where the sanitary conditions would not be conducive to a health-sensitive practice like oral or anal sex. You would then be breaking the Word of Wisdom and the bishop is not going to advise you to do that either.

Seeking a Marriage Counselor

If it happens that you need further counseling beyond your bishop, the next appropriate avenue of help is to go to a competent LDS marriage counselor or psychologist if one is available. If a sexual problem is physical or hormonal in nature, you may need a medical doctor. Your bishop or stake president can advise you where you can find one.

So the Long Answer to Your Question Is…

It is my belief that sex in marriage is good and righteous and holy, no matter what form it takes, as long as both spouses enjoy it, are loving and respectful of each other, communicate well, and  respect the bodies and freedom to choose that God provided for each of them.

Sex in marriage invites children into the home, and creates greater unity and compassion and love between couples. When done in marriage, what isn’t righteous or holy about that?

So should you listen to your bishops? I would say yes. But pray about it and seek to understand why you received that counsel. I can’t tell why, but the guidance of the Lord and a little research on your part can.

Should you and your husband decide for yourselves? Yes. I always recommend investigating all the options available to you sexually, experimenting, and deciding what works for you and what doesn’t. What works sexually for you may not work for other couples and vice-versa. A purpose of sexual intimacy in marriage is to unify and bring you closer together.  A good way to know if a sexual act doesn’t work is that “the tempter will drive a wedge between you and your spouse.” [x]

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[i] D&C 132:8

[ii] 2 Ne 32:8

[iii] James 1:5

[iv] D&C 9:7-8

[v] Achieving a Celestial Marriage Student Manual, CES, 1992, pg.88

[vi] President Ezra Taft Benson Ensign, Nov. 1988, p. 48

[vii] D&C 46.27

[viii] See my blog entitled “The Sexual Spectrum” for more background on this.

[ix] Eternal Marriage Student Manual, CES, 2003,  pp. 139,140

[x] Eternal marriage student Manual, CES, 2003,  pp. 145

What Are Sexual Perversions In Marriage?

  WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred sexual nature and is intended for married readers only. Those who are currently unmarried are advised to keep to the standards of the Church and refrain from reading the married sexual instruction that follows.

“Decency is as important for married people as for the unmarried. Perversions are perversion whenever indulged in, and the marriage ceremony cannot take away their stain.”[i] ~ Elder Mark E. Peterson

What “perversions” is Mark E. Peterson referring to?

I have yet to find a list of definitions from the General Authorities (past or present) to spell out what specifically they mean by "sexual perversions", and I felt this may be a question for many of my readers. The word is so loosely defined that anything sexual could be placed under the umbrella of “perversion”, rightly or wrongly, even in marriage. I know this can't be their intent because they also speak so positively about sexual relations within marriage.

Therefore, in an effort to give some clarity, I have gathered some definitions for you to think about and pray about in your own marital relationship.

According to the Free Medical Dictionary[ii], a sexual “perversion” is as follows:

“Sexual perversions are conditions in which sexual excitement or orgasm is associated with acts or imagery that are considered unusual within the culture. To avoid problems associated with the stigmatization of labels, the neutral term paraphilia, derived from Greek roots meaning "alongside of" and "love," is used to describe what used to be called sexual perversions. A paraphilia is a condition in which a person's sexual arousal and gratification depend on a fantasy theme of an unusual situation or object that becomes the principal focus of sexual behavior.”

I find the choice of terms ironic because "philia" translates to "brotherly or friendship type love" and a more appropriate use of the Greek roots would be mania ( extreme, obsessive, possessive love) or eros (romantic love, physical lustful type love), so paramania or paraerotic may be more appropriate, but I digress. To prevent confusion, we'll use the widely accepted term paraphilia and since it means "along side of, and alternate of or instead of" an appropriate relationship building type love, it could in fact work.

So, in other words, a perversion of sexuality is when a person can only be sexually aroused when they’re thinking about something or someone other than their spouse. Their minds have been trained or influenced away from their spouse and towards another person or object as their source of arousal.

The same dictionary lists these as some examples of what is deemed as paraphilia, or sexual perversions:

“Paraphilias include fantasies, behaviors, and/or urges which:

• involve nonhuman sexual objects, such as shoes or undergarments
• require the suffering or humiliation of oneself or partner
• involve children or other non-consenting partners

The most common paraphilia are:

• exhibitionism - exposure of the genitals, or engaging in sexual activity in public or in front of other individuals
• fetishism - the use of nonliving objects
• frotteurism - touching and rubbing against a non-consenting person
• pedophilia - the focus on prepubescent children (pedomania or pedoerotic being a more appropriate term)
• sexual masochism - the receiving of humiliation or suffering
• sexual sadism - the inflicting of humiliation or suffering
• transvestic fetishism – the wearing of articles of clothing or full outfits that are usually worn by the opposite sex (not be be confused with transgenderism)
• voyeurism, or watching others engage in undressing or sexual activity” 

This last item, voyeurism, translates to all forms of profane erotica, in male form (watching videos, reading magazines) or female form (reading profane erotica, creating images in the mind of people -other than spouse- undressing and engaging in sex acts)” I would also add sexual coercion and rape to this list.

Sexual Fantasies in Marriage

In my blog series “My Porn is Okay Your Porn is Not Okay – Avoiding The Double Standard”, I discussed how women’s porn is different from men’s porn and that use of this profane erotica can be detrimental to a marriage relationship. Women use written profane erotica or "romance" to help create fantasies in their mind what allows them to become aroused and ready physically for sex. For women, the desire for sex starts in the brain. 

I was asked once by a reader if sexual fantasies can play a role in an LDS marriage. My research tells me that sexual fantasy does play an important part in our marital intimacy. Typically this is more for the wife than the husband, but fantasy does play an important part and can be done in a way that doesn’t offend the Holy Ghost,  violate the sanctity of the relationship or the sacredness of sex. 

The first thing we need to understand is that our primitive brain (the limbic system) controls our sexual desire. Because men’s brains function in a more compartmentalized fashion than women's, it is easier for men to shift gears and stay in sexual mode. It's very focused. This is important to the procreative process. It allows men to more easily become ready for sex and perform their biological roles as initiator of sex. 

Women’s brains are so connected that it is often difficult for them to move out of their thinking brain and into their primitive sexual brain. In order for women to get into their primitive brain, a channel must be created that allows their thoughts to flow into the sexual part of their brain. This channel is created through talking,  fantasy, or what I prefer to call “intimacy visualization.” This is one of the reasons why it may take a woman longer to be ready for sex. She has to think of a romantic scenario first, let it play out in her mind, allow it to connect to the primitive sexual brain and then connect to her husband. Some women refer to it as the sexual part of their brain as their "lizard brain."

A husband can help her more quickly connect to her primitive brain by talking to her, learning what scenarios she likes (for example, she’s aroused by  thinking about walking on the beach in Hawaii and kissing.) and then build a intimate visualization with her that involves both of you. Doing things that touch her heart will also go a long way toward preparing her mentally to receive her husband sexually. This is done by learning her love language or what she considers to be affection - and it may have NOTHING to do with physical touch or sex.

Paraphilia in Sexual Fantasies

“…if ye do not watch yourselves, and your thoughts, and your words, and your deeds…even unto the end of your lives, ye must perish. And now, O man, remember, and perish not.”[iii]

I don’t believe it’s possible to monitor every thought that goes through your head. The average human being has tens of thousands of thoughts a day. 

While we cannot control the thoughts that enter, we do have some measure of control of the ones we allow to stay in our minds. 

There is no temple recommend question that asks you about your thoughts. Thoughts or fantasies involving adultery or paraphilia will not, of themselves, make you unworthy to attend the temple. Be aware, however, that no action was ever done without first originating as a thought in the mind.

I believe sexual fantasies enter into the perversion realm when they involve paraphilia like the ones mentioned above. Building sexual visualizations in your mind or the mind of your spouse that involve these perversions and then reinforcing them with sex and orgasm (pleasure association) programs the primitive brain to respond sexually to these perversions. 

My understanding is that this can be prevented or reversed by building in your mind or telling your spouse sexual fantasies that don’t involve paraphilia, and do involve your spouse exclusively. In essence, you would be creating a kind of sacred erotica instead. You then would reinforce that programming with intercourse and orgasm. Neurons that fire together, wire together. 

“Yea, and [God] looketh down upon all the children of men, and he knows all the thoughts and intents of the heart, for by his hand were they all created from the beginning.”[iv]

 If your mind has become programmed to get sexually excited along the lines of perversions, you can take deliberate steps to reprogram yourself in a more positive direction.

“I feel like I should have an orgasm even though I don’t need one. In order to get aroused enough to reach orgasm, I can’t think about my spouse every single time. I have to think about other things or other people or situations that don’t always involve my spouse.” (Anon)

It’s important to recognize that it’s okay for women NOT to have an orgasm every single time they have sex. A husband should understand this as well. This is one of those fundamental differences between men and women.

She may be perfectly okay, and feel perfectly satisfied, simply to bring him to orgasm. Sometimes it’s okay to just have a quickie, so that the man is satiated and feels loved, and the woman can get on with her day. This doesn't mean she doesn't like sex or doesn't love her husband. On the contrary.

If a woman’s having trouble getting aroused or coming to orgasm, her body may just need a break. Sexual fasting once a month, or just having a quickie without giving her an orgasm is okay, and will allow her body and her libido to rebuild.

Later, when her libido comes back and she feels ready for an orgasm, and can fantasize about her husband and feel aroused, she can let him know this. Sisters, it’s important to let him know; otherwise, he’ll go on having quickies and never reciprocate for you.

It’s okay to ask for an orgasm if you want one. It doesn’t make you a loose woman to enjoy sex with your husband. Good girls do this, when they’re married!

President Spencer W. Kimball (I felt) made it very clear about how God feels about sex in marriage when he said:

“In the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely approved. There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join in a process of creation and in an expression of love”[v]

On the flip side, husbands – it’s important to be considerate of your wife and her needs, and ask her if she wants an orgasm. Don’t just assume she wants one or needs to be talking into one, like you want one. If she doesn’t want one, ask her if it’s okay to have a quickie. Good boys do this, when they’re married!

“I can only get aroused by thinking about sexual perversions (or paraphilia, as you say), and things other than my husband. I’m concerned, but when I try to talk to my husband about these things, he refuses to talk about it. So in order to keep the peace, I just keep fantasizing. Everything else is all right on the outside, so it’s okay as long as I don’t act on my fantasies in real life, right?” (Anon)

Let’s consider this situation on the flip side, from a male point of view. A wife refuses to have sex with him, or discuss their sexuality. So in order to “keep the peace”, the husband doesn’t bother her with sex, but finds alternative outlets elsewhere, such as watching profane erotica, maybe even without masturbating to it.

It’s a thought. There’s no action involved, and everything’s okay…right?

Spiritually and eternally, it is not.

Both of these are separating activities, that shape our spirits and desires in frustrating ways . Communication, compromise, sharing, selflessness, self-sacrifice, patience, unconditional love…these are the attributes that build a successful marriage. If a spouse or both spouses are exercising the opposite of these, they don’t have a marriage. They’re friends with benefits. They’re roommates. They’re not married…not truly, and they’re not building a loving, trusting relationship that will last into the eternities.

The solution is that there must be communication. If a spouse is able to communicate, but refuses to, the hard reality is that this is selfishness and abuse, and a marriage cannot survive on abuse. Cleaving unto our spouse means becoming one. One in thought, word and deed. Being unified in all things and this requires communication. God commands us to be one as husband and wife. (Matt 19:5; John 17:21-22)

If there are secrets being held back from a spouse, tell them. Secrets may destroy your marriage if they aren’t told. They also have a way of coming out eventually anyway. It may take some courage to risk changing the status quo, but you must try, or the situation won’t change, and then eventually it will be too late.

If there’s selfishness, then start to share and compromise. We can take the emotional energy we’re spending on perversions, and turn that energy back towards our spouse. If a couple is spending too much time apart, find ways to spend more time together. If a couple isn’t talking, get talking about anything and everything. Communicate.

I don’t believe we as Saints need harder and harder fantasies, filled with all manner of perversions, to fully enjoy our sexuality. Instead, we need to look towards our spouses with love, appreciation, patience and trust.

“Marriage brings greater possibilities for happiness than does any other human relationship. Yet some married couples fall short of their full potential. They let their romance become rusty, take each other for granted, allow other interests or clouds of neglect to obscure the vision of what their marriage really could be. Marriages would be happier if nurtured more carefully.”[vi]

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[i] Elder Mark E. Peterson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, Marriage and Common Sense, pg.94-95

[ii] Copyright © 2011 Farlex, Inc.< http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/Sexual+Perversions>

[iii] Mosiah 4:30, paraphrased

[iv] Alma 18:32

[v] The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball [1982], 311)

[vi] Russell M. Nelson, “Nurturing Marriage”, Ensign, May 2006