The Four Marriage Killers: Secrets

“We believe in being honest….”[1]

I recently read a sociological experiment[2] that was done on a popular marital affair membership website. I was intrigued to learn that the website boasted over 100 million members.  

The researcher showed that the married men were mostly looking for sex while the women, on the other hand, were looking for emotional validation, romance and emotional intimacy. 

While there were some women who would meet in person, he found that most of the women only wanted to talk. They wanted to be intimate online or over the phone and would avoid direct contact.

He learned from these women (both in person and otherwise) that the reason they were looking for affairs was that their husband was gone a lot, or had stopped romancing them, or just plain wouldn’t talk to them. 

To me this demonstrated that intimacy is so essential to our marital well-being that 100 million married people (an amount equal to 1/3 of the entire United States population[3]) were willing to risk their marriages to get it. 

But rather than talk to their spouse about what they needed in their relationship, they signed up for an online site to have a marital affair – and tried to keep it a secret.

Secrets: The Good, the Bad, and the Downright Evil

Aren’t secrets a good thing sometimes?  

In the American English vocabulary, there are lots of terms for information that is not freely shared.  To help give clarity, here are the most comprehensive types that relate to this topic: 

Confidential: A bank withholding your personal information from unauthorized users is protecting you from potential theft or fraud. A bishop or stake president would receive information in interviews with individuals in his congregation, and this information is not to be shared with others, including the bishop’s spouse. FERPA are Federal laws requiring educational institutions to keep information about their students confidential - sometimes even from parents - to protect that student's privacy and safety.

If confidential information is revealed too soon, security is compromised. Good people could get hurt or perhaps killed. People could be humiliated needlessly. Trust in the one holding the confidence (and perhaps trust in others like him or her) is broken. The person entrusted with the confidence is reduced to nothing more than a hypocrite and a gossip.

Sacred: This includes traditions or ordinances, persons, places or things that are only meant for worthy persons in good standing to learn and know about and share amongst each other. Often this knowledge is shared in dedicated places. The LDS Temple is a good example of this, although there are other examples from other religions and traditions as well. 

Sacred is not the same as secret, because it is intended to be shared with those who can be trusted not to mock it or make it ordinary. Married people are usually not inclined to openly share all the details of their intimate life for fear of their beloved spouse or children being mocked. That information would then be sacred. It's a kind of "confidence" in that trust is involved. By keeping things God has declared "sacred", we are demonstrating to him that we can be trusted with His sacred things.

If the sacred gets out, it tends to be mocked, profaned and ridiculed. Something special becomes cheap and degraded instead of holy and ennobling.

Secret: A “secret” in the context of this article is information held by one person and is usually hidden away from others, most notably that person’s spouse. This information is generally toxic to the relationship because the person is ashamed of sharing this secret or fears the outcome of sharing it. 

A secret then is something where a person’s trustworthiness is already in jeopardy and   the information is withheld to protect the guilty and harms the innocent by not being shared. If not checked, such secrets can become a gateway to more serious sins. 

Therapists, for example, are required to keep confidences with their patients, but the law requires they not keep secrets about things that could be detrimental to the safety of another person. A client telling his therapist of his plans to murder someone, for example, would not fall under the definition of a confidence and would have to be shared. 

Informal Secret Combination: Secrets can lead to other sins in order to protect the secret, such as lies, neglect and even murder. Another, more toxic kind of secret is what we in the LDS Church call a “secret combination”. 

An informal secret combination happens when others are involved in order to keep a secret from the innocent so the offender can keep sinning. Even so, it could be accidentally or purposefully exposed by any involved. This could hide such activities as adultery, fornication, theft or an addiction.

Formal Secret Combination: This kind of secret is shown in the stories of Cain and Lamech in Genesis[4], but is more clearly mentioned in the Book of Mormon and Pearl of Great Price.[5] This is when oaths, covenants and tokens are exchanged by those entrusted with the secret, for the purpose of gaining power over others or hiding serious sins. 

In our context, it could be a spouse plotting their divorce with a trusted few to cover up an affair from the spouse, law or even the church, or the husband’s mistress plotting to murder the wife. This level of secret combination is the lowest level of evil a person could go into in order to keep a secret. 

If a secret combination is pulled into the glaring light of day, those persons involved are exposed for their wrongdoing and hypocrisy, and innocent people tend to be protected from further wrongdoing in the future.

Secrets that Sabotage a Marriage

• Do you hide resentments and hurts, and pretend everything’s fine?
• Do you have a spouse who dislikes sex or some aspect of sex, for whatever reason?  
• Do you indulge in fantasies, or profane erotica, to keep from bothering your spouse with your intimacy needs; to “keep the peace”?
• Do you have transgressions in your past that you have not shared with your spouse, that could affect your spouse or children - whether you have repented or not?
• Are you making significant decisions about financial matters or employment decisions without consulting your spouse?
• Are you addicted to any substance or activity that makes demands on your resources or time?
• Are you experiencing a personal struggle, such as problems with flirting or strong attraction to others which you won’t share because "it’s ‘my problem, not my spouse’s"? Perhaps you feel your spouse won’t understand and will feel betrayed and reject you?

If you’re married, you and your spouse are an eternal team. If one spouse is not allowed to help meet or carry the needs of the other, trying to meet your needs alone may sabotage the relationship. In each of these scenarios, we find one spouse trying to carry a secret burden alone; a burden no one can successfully carry without harming the marriage and the best possible sex in the marriage. 

The key (that many couples overlook as an option) to overcome the burdens mentioned above is for the couple to work together as a team in addressing the problem. 

“Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?”[6]

Confiding (The tool to counteract secrets)

If you want to maintain an optimum sex life with your spouse, and achieve a relationship you would want for eternity – a couple must feel safe to be vulnerable with each other and confide personal secrets with each other.

This can seem frightening in the extreme, especially when we carry particularly dark secrets, or when we feel like our spouse is hiding things from us. It can get ugly, and no one would blame us for not wanting to share such dark aspects of ourselves with the person we love.

The good news is, once you confide your secrets to your spouse, your relationship has the potential of coming to life in a beautiful way as you and your spouse shares the burden together. It ends the cycle of dysfunction, and opens the road to healing in every way, including the sexual aspect. It does this by magnifying the “trust” factor in your relationship. The best possible sex in marriage cannot exist without trust.

Can’t we just forget the past?

 “Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.”[7]

Secrets, especially sinful secrets, have a tendency to grow and develop a power of their own when not shared.

Such sins, even if they happened before we met our spouse, most likely have manifest (known/can be predicted) and latent (unseen/difficult to predict) consequences that will affect our future spouse and marital relationship. What affects us automatically affects them through the requirement of becoming “one”.  These sins cannot be swept under the rug – we will have to share them and hope for forgiveness. If we do not volunteer the information, chances are it will come out eventually anyway and if it’s not from you, it could affect their future trust in you. 

Ever tried to keep a toxic secret silent? We see too many examples of such things in the media today to think we can die with our secrets in us. Especially with today’s technology, sooner or later…. 

“… the rebellious shall be pierced with much sorrow; for their iniquities shall be spoken upon the housetops, and their secret acts shall be revealed.”[8]

The Lord knows all our secrets…and loves us anyway. He encourages us to repent, always to repent[9]…and part of that repentance includes going to those who we have wronged. If we have wronged our spouse, forgiveness will come with confession – to the Lord, and to our spouse. Perhaps ecclesiastical leaders will need to be involved as well, but not before the spouse.

But what if they won’t forgive me?

They may not. There is always that chance. You can’t force others to forgive you.

However, you may not be giving your spouse credit.  Remember – your spouse needs to share all with you as well. Would you forgive them such an admission? Would you not be willing to help them with their challenge?

You may hurt your spouse’s feelings with your admission. You may force them to face hard realities that your relationship was not really what they thought it was. Out of that painful soul-searching, a new reality can be found where love may bloom again and a stronger bond of trust can be created.

We work so hard to impress each other before we marry – to put our best selves forward. After the wedding has ended, we can’t keep up any pretense for long.  Our spouse will eventually see all of our warts and wrinkles, love handles and temper tantrums…and hopefully continue to love us and accept us for who we truly are.  

Everyone comes with baggage. Marriage is about finding that person we can love enough and who will love us enough to help unpack. Marital intimacy and the atonement are the balms that smooth and soothe our way through the bumpy jagged road of eternal marriage.

Confiding Robs Secrets of Their Power

I suggest confiding in your spouse your anger, your pride, and your secrets. It gets easier the more often you do it. Tell your spouse when you find other people attractive, or when you want something you shouldn’t have; especially if those feelings are strong. When shared with your helpmeet, those feelings lose their power and tenacity. When kept a secret, they fester and grow intense. 

Let them tell you when they’re tempted. Laugh about it together. Wonder about and kick it around together. Let them help you overcome an addiction, or share with them when you’re feeling scared, weak or vulnerable. 

If you are the spouse being confided to, remember that you are receiving sacred and confidential information; a vulnerable part of your spouse. This is not the time for jokes ,mockery or castigation. Remember the consequences for disregarding confidences or sacred information is loss of trust, or the cheapening of sacred things. Don’t kick your spouse when they’re down, even if you warned them….even if you saw this coming. 

Keep confidences between you and your spouse. I don’t recommend sharing personal details with others unless both spouses give their consent.  I do believe that confiding in a parent or grandparent, a bishop, or a qualified mental health professional can bring wisdom that can benefit your marriage, so long as the spouse is involved in the decision of who to share it with.

Share with the Lord your challenges and your secrets, and he will grant you the strength to share them with your spouse.  If your spouse is weak and refuses to share, confide your fears and vulnerabilities to the Lord and pray for your spouse. Also, try to do all you can to be worthy of their trust so they can feel safe confiding in you.

 Remember that the Lord is a third party to your marriage, and has enough strength for both of you. Whatever secrets your spouse may be hiding will come out eventually. Build up your own strength for that moment by grasping onto the Lord and His atonement. His sacrifice is also for just such circumstances in our lives.

You can resurrect and give unseen power to your marital sex life through your commitment to air out your secrets with each other, and by always confiding in the person you loved enough to marry for eternity.

---

[1]  Pearl of Great Price, The Thirteenth Article of Faith

[2] Orlando, Charles. “Why Women Cheat: A Married Man Goes Undercover On Ashley Madison”. YourTango. <http://www.yourtango.com/experts/charles-j-orlando/why-women-cheat-married-man-goes-undercover-ashley-madisonhttp://www.yourtango.com/experts/charles-j-orlando/why-women-cheat-married-man-goes-undercover-ashley-madison>

[3] Rosenberg, Matt. ”Current USA Population”. About.Com. New York Times Company. 2 Mar 2011.  <http://geography.about.com/od/obtainpopulationdata/a/uspopulation.htmhttp://geography.about.com/od/obtainpopulationdata/a/uspopulation.htm>

[4] Genesis 4:1-24 (greater detail is found in Moses 5:18-55)

[5] Many examples can be found, particularly of the Gadianton Robbers, in the Book of Mormon, and the Nicolaitane Band in the Doctrine and Covenants (see Topical Guide, Secret Combinations)

[6] 2 Corinthians 6:14

[7] Matthew 5:23-24

[8] Doctrine and Covenants 1:3 (emphasis added)

[9] Doctrine and Covenants 19

Do You Have Challenges With Low Sex Drive?

 Low sex drive, low or no libido, erectile dysfunction, or vaginal dryness is something that affects thousands of people - including LDS couples. This clip I found has some helpful information. Please check it out and see if this applies to you. The marriage you save may be your own. 

If you or a loved one is suffering from depression, bi-polar or other psychological debilitations, I believe this is important to know when considering presented with psychotropic treatments.

Ask your physician what your options are. There are newer treatments (including natural supplements) that can be effective without affecting your ability to enjoy full marital intimacy.  

From A Distance - Masturbation in the LDS Marriage

WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred sexual nature and is intended for married couples only. Reader discretion is advised.

Hello everyone.

I’m still hammering out all the details for the next blog on the four marriage killers, but in the meantime, I wanted to share with you this interesting reader question I recently received: 

 

My wife and I are currently apart because I am out of town for school and business.  Is phone/Internet sex okay?  Why or why not? 

We discussed the issue on a chat site, and the reason she didn't want to try it was because she feels masturbation is wrong at any time.

I believe that masturbation is wrong before marriage as it is best for one to "bridle" their passions.  Now that we are married, and as you express on the blog many times, it is very confusing trying to do right by the LDS Church standards when there are no specifics when it comes to marriage. 

We have a fulfilling sex life together and we are very open and communicate with each other about everything.  So... if you have any suggestions or help as to how we can be intimate with each other over such a long distance, it would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks for your help and I look forward to your reply! 

-        Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for reading my blog and I’m grateful you have found it helpful. I can appreciate your concern as to how to keep the sexual spark strong between you and your wife when you are apart. I am sure there are many members of the Church faced with your same dilemma – especially those serving in the armed forces.

The best decision for your circumstance will ultimately come from you, your wife and the Lord. As you discuss with your wife what is acceptable for the both of you and make it a matter of prayer, the Spirit will guide you as to what you should do. What I can offer you are some suggestions to consider, with pros and cons for each.

The first aspect of your question I’d like to address is the concern about masturbation in marriage you mentioned. You said that your wife doesn’t want to engage in phone sex because masturbation is “wrong at any time.”

Masturbation outside of marriage is certainly out of the bounds the Lord has set; there are numerous references to this in Church doctrine. When it comes to masturbating in marriage, solo masturbation is not the best tool for keeping a healthy marriage and here is why.

Solo masturbation in marriage away from your spouse would be discouraged because it is a separating activity – not a bonding one. Biologically, neurons that fire together, wire together. This means that if solo masturbation is done over a long period of time the brain will re-program itself to associate sex with masturbation. It then becomes more difficult for a husband or wife to mentally or physically respond sexually with their spouse without it.  In addition, masturbating to profane erotica to “keep the peace” will also create the same result and is definitely not a bonding activity with your spouse, the Lord or the Holy Ghost.

When dealing with masturbation between married people, however, the rules shift slightly sometimes. It is sometimes appropriate for a married couple to use masturbation on a temporary basis as a learning tool, if the wife is unfamiliar with how her body will respond sexually. She can use it to show her husband how she likes to be touched, or he can demonstrate to his wife how he would like her to handle his genitals during sex. This use of masturbation is not sinful or separating in any way.

Mutual masturbation, which means to allow your spouse to manually stimulate you to orgasm with their hands or mouth or by using sex toys, is not forbidden in marriage, and often utilized as an acceptable form of foreplay between a married couple. There is nothing unrighteous or unholy or impure about a husband stimulating his wife, or the wife masturbating her husband, or both, if they both enjoy it. 

From the teachings of the prophets and other Church leaders and the scriptures, I have found no reference to any sexual practice in marriage being forbidden unless it’s done to prevent having any children, involves coercion or involves people we’re not married to.

What you’re talking about – which is essentially mutual masturbation using long-distance forms of communication – can be done, but carries some inherent risk, which you must decide for yourselves according to your situation how serious that risk is.  It is also more difficult to do if you are not already comfortable with masturbating together.

Since your wife seems to object to masturbation under any circumstances, this could be a source of friction. However, since you also say that your sex life is healthy and your communication is good, she may be able to let go of her reservations if it’s approached with some sensitivity to her feelings on the matter and with some further education. 

Reading my blog posts could help with that. Purchasing the “Eternal Marriage” textbook from the Church Distribution Center at www.churchofjesuschrist.org  (very cheap) could also be very helpful. It has a lot of material on intimacy from a gospel perspective. 

Other books I could recommend would be anything by Laura M. Brotherson, and Sexual Wholeness In Marriage by Carroll, Busby and Leavitt (ISBN-10: 0981957641), particularly pages 209 - 213 address concerns about masturbation in marriage.

It would also be good to keep in mind the inherent limits of what you’re attempting to do. Phone sex could be overheard or recorded by others on the same line, especially over cell phones or wireless connections; there is a slight risk of this. 

Using Skype or a video camera would add a visual element, but can leave the woman feeling particularly vulnerable, especially since such video could be (and has been) recorded and put on the Internet without the woman's knowledge or consent. 

Your trust level with your spouse would have to be relatively high for her to feel comfortable with expressing her sexuality with you this way, and you wouldn’t want to do anything that could potentially violate that trust. If you’re communicating over a Wi-Fi connection that’s not heavily encrypted, my understanding is that anyone with a computer in close vicinity could possibly tap into your conversation.

There are physical limits to what you can do over the phone or online as well. When we are physically together with our spouse and having sex, there are physiological, spiritual, and emotional functions other than just penis-in-vagina happening.

When you make physical contact with your spouse, there is an ionic current that flows and circulates between you. Positive and negative ions are being exchanged through skin contact. Visual, aural, olfactory, taste and mental connections are made. Our spirits are connecting. We are literally having sex with our whole being. It is a complete experience. A husband and wife become one.

If we masturbate to phone sex, you may have a physical release of sexual tension, but the rest of the experience – the electrical exchange through skin, the other senses other than auditory and maybe visual – are deprived. Chances are good you will still be left with a feeling of “something is missing.” The spiritual and emotional parts of you and your spouse will still be sexually frustrated. Over long periods, this frustration can build and make you both vulnerable to sexual temptations.

If you are away from your spouse for a short time on a business trip or an internship of a short duration (say, three months or less) and you are engaging in phone sex or cyber-sex with your spouse, I don’t see this as creating an insurmountable problem. If you are doing it together and both enjoying it, it is a bonding activity and is fine.

The problem is more likely to present itself if we practice married phone or cyber-sex over an extended period (months, years). The brain will re-wire itself if this is practiced over a long period of time, making it more difficult to connect with our spouse sexually when we return.

It may not be noticed at first, but over time you may begin to find it difficult to be aroused by your spouse. You may find yourself craving phone or cyber-sex as the preferred method of arousal. At this stage, it’s gone from a fun/bonding experience to a separating sexual habit or leaves you vulnerable to succumbing to the attentions of another lonely woman who stays in proximity to you.

When it comes to being apart for long periods of time, I feel the apostle Paul gave some sound advice.  In I Corinthians 7: 2 – 5 (the Joseph Smith Translation) he said,

“Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband…

…Depart ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.”

I understand this to mean that our spouse is supposed to be there for us sexually so we are not tempted to fornicate or commit adultery. If we have to be apart from our spouse for a long time:

1. The length of time has to be with their consent and,

2.  We are to "fast" from sex until we can be with our spouse and have sex with them again.

The spouses of our military service men and women don’t have the luxury of consent. Before marriage, it must be (and usually is) understood that they mentally have to prepare themselves to accept the lifestyle of extended deployments. Sexual discipline must come with the territory, if a Church member chooses to keep the law of chastity under these circumstances.

Those who travel frequently such as executives, or people who put in long hours of work, such as doctors, will be away from their spouse for long periods of time. This needs to be understood before entering into the relationship. Both spouses have the responsibility to be there sexually for their spouse as much as possible in order to keep the relationship healthy.

In my blog post, “The Four Marriage Killers”, separation is listed as a marriage killer. Any physical separations that happen in a marriage should be kept to the bare minimum. As Paul stressed in the scripture above, the temptations are just too strong, as you have also undoubtedly experienced.

Many good marriages die simply by too much separation. Many marriage partners starved for intimacy in these circumstances find themselves in the arms of someone closer and more available and wonder how they got there.

As I talk about in many of my posts, the purpose of marriage (and sex in marriage) is to build eternal family units and strengthen the relationship bonds between a husband and wife. As members of Christ’s church, we are taught to follow the Spirit of the law.

A good way to do this is to ask ourselves, “Is this sexual activity bringing us closer together or separating us?” That is the rule of thumb; that is what I mean when I say use the Spirit of the law. 

If you find it difficult to bond successfully through phone sex or cyber-sex, may I suggest “fasting” sexually until you can be together again…and get together again as quickly and as often as possible.

Another thing to keep in mind is that the "bridle your passions" rule of the law of chastity still applies when we are married in many respects. 

Consider if you or your spouse dies. You will be separated from them for a long period of time. Masturbation is not an acceptable option to the Lord when we are single, even if we've been married before. Sexual release is not required to stay healthy and no one has died from lack of it. 

So, when on long deployments (or even short ones) both spouses practicing self-control and self-discipline sexually could prove to benefit you both - should (heaven forbid) something go mortally wrong, and will help ease a transition for the living spouse to go from married, sexually active, to no sexual activity for a time. 

What we can't live without is emotional intimacy and human contact. For that, of course get back to each other as soon as possible and find other ways to meet that emotional need for each other. 

The bottom line is, this is an Adam-and-Eve decision given to you and your wife to make together, with prayer and confirmation from the Holy Ghost.  No one can make this sacred decision for you. If you have an open, loving and communicating friendship with your wife or husband, that is key to success.

Good luck to you and your spouse in whatever you decide to do. Hopefully you will be back together again soon, enjoying healthy, unifying marital intimacy. 

- Coach Sam Zaragoza

The Four Marriage Killers - SILENCE

Most people naturally gravitate toward where they find love and acceptance. In contrast, they will avoid people and situations that cause them pain or make them feel rejected.

Like a finely tuned machine, the following scenarios work beautifully for the adversary, because when we feel like we cannot talk with our spouse, resentments accumulate and build and drive a wedge between couples. Silence separates.

“He that speaketh, whose spirit is contrite, whose language is meek and edifieth, the same is of God…”[1]

Good Silence vs. Toxic Silence

“Tenderness and respect – never selfishness – must be the guiding principles in the intimate relationship between husband and wife.” [2]

Most of us will not be inclined to talk to our spouse about what feels good to us or is important to us, sexually or otherwise, especially in an atmosphere where there is a  fear of rejection or contention.

This doesn’t mean that all silence is bad. A sociable silence feels very different from a toxic silence. When silence is exercised in terms of restful or quiet reflection, or at reverent times, both partners are feeling good, and are not actually silent but may actually engage in a large amount of positive nonverbal communication (smiles, winks, giggling, touching etc.)

Toxic silence means that all positive communication has ended. If there is communication at all, it becomes negative (crossed arms, frowns, turning away from them, avoiding topics of discussion etc.)

When a husband is in the throes of passion with his wife and about to get intercourse, the last thing he wants to do is start an argument or do anything that he feels could potentially turn his wife off. Even though both need to communicate to understand what the other wants or needs sexually, both may remain silent out of fear of disrupting the mood.

Sexual Performance and Rejection

“One word could mean approval or denial, blessing or cursing, doubt or knowledge, friendship or enmity. The way we say one word, the intonation we use, may cause love or hate.”[3]

A man takes his ability to perform sexually very seriously. Many mens’ self-esteem has their foundation built on their sexual potency. If a man finds that he has a physical ailment that decreases or eliminates his libido, he may verbally shut down because he feels embarrassed and fears his wife will think of him as less than a man or unattractive.

Woman can also suffer from rejection due to sexual performance or rejection of advances.  If the husband criticizes his wife in the area of sexual performance or availability, poisonous silence can result, which is an indication of her resentment and hurt feelings.

A spouse may have an addiction to pornography, or feels strong feelings of attraction for another person, or hold some other secret they don’t share for fear of persecution or rejection.. They may be searching for a way out of these situations, but may fear how their spouse (the person who should be their greatest ally in their battle against temptation) will react.

Lack of Adequate Communication Skills

Communication skills are learned; they are not automatic. Many families lack the essential communication skills to adequately nurture a loving relationship. A tool that would be valuable to any married couple (whether engaged or married for years) is to meet with an LDS marriage and family therapist or take a course in communication as a couple at your local community college.

For example, the textbook “Human Communication” teaches:

 “Communication is dependent on the interaction of two communicators and one person cannot guarantee its success. Others may have conflicting goals, have different perspectives or communicate incompetently. Learning individual communication concepts and specific communication skills is essential to effective interaction.”[4]

Lowering the Defensiveness that Fosters Silence

We become defensive when we feel attacked or have been attacked in the past. We may be one who holds to the belief “once bitten, twice shy.” For our marriage to be healthy, trust is essential. Trust, however, cannot be given. It has to be earned. So how do we maintain the kind of trust that will eliminate silence in the relationship?

“Human Communication” goes on to show that “…Trust must be established between individuals and not be based on roles, positions or status. In other words, people should come to relationships without all the trappings of the roles they play. Reducing defensiveness is essential to building trust...” [5]

Instead of evaluating or judging our spouse’s behavior, we can report our observations of the situation or explain how our spouse's behavior makes us feel.

Instead of acting as if you have the ultimate solutions to the problem, you can approach your spouse in a spirit of being willing to listen and readiness to entertain multiple ideas.

Avoid a mind-set of apathy towards your spouse. You need them and they need you. If you want healthy communication, it’s more conducive to show your concern by listening to your spouse.

Listen to both what they say and how they say it. Try restating back to your spouse what they just said. Do this until what your spouse is trying to say matches your interpretation of what they said.

Because men and women naturally communicate differently, it’s important that both recognize what the spouse is trying to do when they restate what you have said to them. It isn’t to belittle or patronize you, and you can choose to interpret it as a genuine effort of your spouse to listen and understand.

In the eyes of the Lord, a husband and a wife are equal in status no matter what the world’s cultures say. We communicate this to our spouse by speaking to them as an equal. Neither can we manipulate our spouse for our own personal benefit. It is more productive be open and without deceit when we talk with our spouse.

Abuse Leads to Toxic Silence

Any kind of abuse can also put a damper on a person’s willingness to communicate. Physical abuse is easier to identify, but what about emotional abuse? The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has defined emotional abuse to include such behaviors as:

·        name-calling
·        sarcastic comments
·        demeaning statements
·        trivializing the achievements of your spouse
·        put-down humor aimed at your spouse
·        fault-finding
·        intimidation
·        withholding information or affection as retribution for real or imagined wrongs
·        perpetual estrangement – refusing to forgive and/or collecting past wrongs
·        refusing to share in the good or bad emotions of others
·        setting inappropriate rules (no Church service, no visitors, no phone calls)
·        manipulation of others through guilt, pity or blame [6]

An atmosphere of abuse will lead to toxic silence. It is because there is no safe way of communicating with the abusive spouse without being drawn into painful confrontations.

In this situation, a common inclination (in order to avoid or rebound from rejection or a disagreement, emotional discomfort, or to avoid the risk of divorce) is for defensiveness to go up and for communication to shut down.

I believe that abuse patterns - received during childhood - tend to perpetuate when relating and reacting in situations that will arise during marriage. Therefore, new patterns must be learned to prevent the inherited abuse pattern from damaging a newly formed family.

How to Relate to Your Spouse in a Situation of Toxic Silence

To begin to eliminate toxic silence and improve communication, it’s important to first understand that undesirable behaviors are mostly learned. When a person enters into a marriage, they are given a whole new set of circumstances that they did not have to deal with when they were single.

When a person is given a challenge that is only experienced in marriage, they will respond to it according to the examples they recall from memory. Generally this comes from “How did Mom/Dad/Grandpa/Grandma behave in this situation?” or “I remember the married couple on my favorite TV sitcom/drama who responded like this in this situation and that seemed to work for them.”

We may not think this consciously, but when faced with a problem that needs immediate attention; our brain will search for a memory file to draw from to quickly to respond the situation. That memory is how we will react if we do not have a positive response to draw from. Every time the situation occurs, we will rely on whatever is in our memory –even if it’s abusive.

If your spouse begins to exhibit problems with pornography or emotional abuse or excessive anger, your spouse is not necessarily an evil person because of these habits. Would you have been attracted to him or her in the first place if they were evil to the core? I don't believe we would.

If a person has habits of being coercive or of yelling or of addiction or other forms of abuse, these are learned behaviors. I believe that in more cases than not, these dysfunctional attributes do not come from the pupil, but from the teacher and the environment they were raised in.  Such habits may take years, decades or even a lifetime of vigilance of both husband and wife to correct. This is why it is important to maintain an eternal perspective. We are all struggling to become like our loving Heavenly Father and our savior Jesus Christ. This will may not be accomplished in a lifetime for any of us.

Positive responses to life’s varied circumstances can be learned from the scriptures or Church leaders, and from positive role models with a clear code of ethics.

I choose to believe that people want to be good – that they want to be the best husband or wife, and the best lover – they can be. They just may not know how or believe they can. I also believe bad habits and bad patterns can be reprogrammed, if the person is willing to learn good habits to replace them.

Other Ways to Communicate to Avoid Toxic Silence

A powerful remedy for the root causes of toxic silence is the Christ like trait of open, honest, patient and loving communication.

“But to do good and to communicate forget not: for with such sacrifices God is well pleased.”[7]

Be careful in how you say the word ‘no’. Telling the other spouse “no” (in any way), and especially when approached with an offer to have sex can also lead to hurt feelings and a lack of trust and reduced communication.

Instead of saying no, you could try saying “YES, I would love to have sex with you but can we do it later?” This helps the initiating spouse not feel rejected when you find yourself in the middle of something that you are unable to break away from, or if you need a little more time to get mentally prepared for intimacy.

If you need help getting into the mood, by all means, let them know what would help you. Give your spouse an opportunity to be successful, and you will get what you want too. Be mindful that expecting your spouse to read your mind is not practicing good communication skills.

Communicating When We Feel Angry

“…he that has the spirit of contention is not of me but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger one towards another. Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away.”[8]

People get angry; there’s no point in saying we’re not angry when we are. If we bury anger, it will go somewhere else. It can resurface in other, less desirable ways such as depression or expressing anger in the wrong context (yelling at the kids or the dog when we’re really mad at our spouse).

We can learn ways to express anger without yelling. For instance, writing a letter may help get your feelings out and open the pathways of communication. President Gordon B Hinckley teaches that “…communication is essentially a matter of talking with one another. Let that talk be quiet for quiet talk is the language of love. It is the language of peace. It is the language of God.”[9]

“When you do this, I feel angry” is another way of releasing our feelings in ways that don’t alienate others and shut down all communication. Agreeing to take turns speaking instead of yelling over each other can be a great way to open communication that has shut down.

Good communication skills are not an optional thing in marriage. They are celestial in nature; they are essential to a healthy marriage. It is also a commandment.[10]

 Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ set the example. Pay attention the next time you attend the temple. Listen for all the over-communication that’s modeled for all of us. Over-communication is better than not enough, and the more you practice, the more you come to find an acceptable level that you both are comfortable with and will prevent toxic silence.

The Benefits of Communication

When we lower our defenses and look at each other as allies instead of rivals and increase our communication, intimacy and sex actually get better and are more fun. It’s more fun because it then goes from something we are doing to each other, to something a couple does together.

Being married means sharing. If you sense avoidance from your spouse or they seem to clam up when you are around, ask them if they feel like they can’t trust you with their feelings. If they don’t, quietly and calmly discuss why. You may not like what you hear, but you’ve got to understand the depth of the problem if you want to find the solution and eliminate any silence that my be killing your marriage.

Your spouse is the person you should trust the most. Discuss your issues with love and patience and most of all – without judgment. Be proactive. Think of what your spouse does or says as a potential way to serve them and show them how much you want to love and support them. Use the Atonement and pray for help from the Lord in overcoming hurt feelings and in learning to communicate better with each other.

Anytime your marriage seems in trouble, ask yourself “Are we not communicating? Is there too much silence between us?”

For some additional tips on how to communicate more effectively with your spouse, I would also like to suggest Elder Marvin J. Ashton’s article “Family Communications”

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[1] Doctrine and Covenants 52:16

[2] Howard W. Hunter,  Ensign November 1994 pg.51

[3] Charles Didier, “Language: A Divine Way of Communicating”, Ensign, Nov 1979

[4] Judy Pearson et al Human Communication 3^rd edition McGraw Hill New York, New York 2008 pg 158

[5] Judy Pearson et al Human Communication 4^th edition McGraw Hill New York, New York 2011 Pg 154

[6] From the 1995 booklet, “Responding to Abuse: Helps for Ecclesiastical Leaders” as listed by Judy Olson, in the Ensign article “The Invisible Heartbreaker”, June 1996

[7] Hebrews 13:16

[8] 3 Nephi 11:29-30

[9] “Cornerstones of a Happy Home”, Gordon B. Hinckley, Satellite broadcast fireside, 29 Jan 1984

[10] Doctrine and Covenants 136:23-24

The Four Marriage Killers

In my earlier blogs I talked about how marriage is a religious institution. What I mean by that is that marriage can only work and be happy if built upon the principles that God gives to us. It was established by God from the beginning and was created for the intent to help us (as His children) to grow, progress and become more like Him.

Even if a person doesn’t believe in God, if that person wants his/her marriage to succeed and be happy they will find themselves living the eternal principles of God, whether they recognize the source or not. Principles such as patience, charity, trust, love, compassion and forgiveness are universal to all religions and creeds, because they are the basic principles of peace and happiness.

Satan doesn’t want marriages to succeed, and for good reason. Here we find some of our greatest joys. We provide bodies for God’s children through sacred sexual union. We are required to be Christ-like with each other. Marriage is a tool that helps us become like God.

When we live by principles that are contrary to the gospel, our marriages sicken and are not happy. A couple may wind up living as mere roommates. They may be married in name only and living separate lives. The doors of infidelity are always open. Abuse may be the norm. Intimacy and courtship are neglected, or simply don’t exist. Any love that used to exist in the marriage may also die. Separation is inevitable in such a marriage, even if the couple physically remain together.

Being Christian doesn't make us immune from being influenced by the adversary’s voice. In fact, we are probably under more attack from Satan and his followers because we are trying to be like Christ. More than anything, he wants families and marriages to fail.

The most popular instruments (I have observed) that he uses to devastate marriages are what I call the four marriage killers: 

Silence,

Secrets, 

Separation,

and Selfishness. 

In my interviews with couples that are struggling, I have found that these are often the main underlying causes that lead to a couple having difficulty becoming or staying intimate and sexual with each other.

Click on the links to see these four marriage killers, along with strategies on how to counter them.

Got Sexual Tension?

The media in our culture celebrates love and sexual chemistry in romance after romance. We feed on “Boy-Meets-Girl” stories like each new one is the first one ever made.

Single man meets single woman. The fireworks fly…will they get together? Won’t they? Yes, they will, and there’s a glorious wedding with a happily-ever-after shot. Even in scripture, we have our love stories…

“…Rachel was beautiful and well favored. And Jacob loved Rachel…and Jacob served seven years for Rachel; and they seemed unto him but a few days, for the love he had to her.” – Genesis 29:17, 18, 20

…as well as some romantic tragedies…

“And it came to pass in an eveningtide, that David arose from off his bed, and walked upon the roof of the king’s house: and from the roof he saw a woman washing herself; and the woman was very beautiful to look upon…

And David sent messengers, and took her…” – 2 Samuel 11: 2-4

Usually, before we marry, we feel that spark of sexual tension for our loved one. Ideally, we fall in love with each other, decide to marry, and then we live as man and wife.

After the honeymoon and the routine of life and being married has a chance to settle in, that fire of passion we once experience with our spouse loses its intensity. For some, the flame gets completely extinguished in the process of living, even if you stay good friends.

Later, we may meet other people and feel that sexual tension again. We get confused. Have we fallen out of love? Should we follow our feelings, and upend our lives to favor this other person we now “love”? Why has our sexual passion gone away with my spouse and reappeared for another person like this?

The answer to this question lies in part in the nature of boundaries.

To illustrate, using a physics principle, tension can be created and intensified by using a resistant force. For example, when you pick up a rubber band and stretch it with both hands, you can observe tension on the rubber band. That tension is released when the resistant forces (your hands) let go.

When we are single, we may feel natural sexual desire for a compatible member of the opposite sex. That desire is typically intensified by a resistant force. As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we are required to bridle our passions. To obey the law of chastity and laws of the land.

The law of chastity and the laws of the land create a mental, emotional, spiritual and legal resistant force by telling us we cannot engage in any sexual activity before we are married or (those deemed illegal) without consequences.

When we get married, that boundary is removed with your spouse, but still exists with those we are not married to. 

We love our spouse, but we now have free range for sexual expression with each other. Forever bliss, right?

Not necessarily.

Without introducing some kind of resistant force or the "forbidden", sexual tension in marriage will naturally diminish even if love remains. You see your spouse across the room. You feel a desire to touch or kiss him or her. You walk across the room and do just that. If your relationship is positive, then you’ve easily surrendered to any resistant force you may have felt. There’s no inner angst, no wondering how they feel, or wondering if they’ll kiss you back. When you've got the urge, you can act as long as nothing is there to tell you "you're not allowed".

Perhaps you've seen or heard in the movies how a leading man and a leading lady can create so much romantic chemistry, that they believe it themselves? Those feelings spill over into their private lives and they become a real couple…perhaps they even marry. Once this happens, and they then attempt to make another romantic movie together, often their previous chemistry feels weak by comparison.

Why? This is because of the nature of sexual tension. They are comfortable with each other, and it usually shows. Their real-life relationship doesn’t have the same tension in it while they were dating.

You may have also observed characters on TV or in real life who are promiscuous and declare to their new love that they can only get turned on by having sex in public, or an elevator, or under a table in a restaurant, or in a parked or moving car, or on the beach etc…

Some of you may have even tried these things in your marriage (to get the spark back) and found it didn’t do much for you. So, why do they do that and feel that way?

The answer is sexual tension. Not everyone lives by the law of chastity. Some are even raised and encouraged to have casual sex as "the norm". Without the boundary of the law of chastity, they must create or find other boundaries  to get sexual tension. Without the laws of God to restricting them, what they have left are the variable social laws of relationships  and the laws of the land.

All the sex-in-public activities I mentioned above are illegal in most countries and can be considered perversions as well. They're “forbidden”.  Why does a promiscuous man feel a draw to have sex with prostitutes? It’s legally “forbidden.” Things that are forbidden create sexual tension. They are an artificial (sometimes illegal and somewhat dangerous) substitute for the law of chastity, or just plain old fashioned bridling our passions.

Another person outside the marriage (outside the boundaries the Lord has set) may cause a spouse to feel sexual tension again. That’s because (in addition to our natural reproduction functions) they are outside accepted boundaries. While this can be exciting to pursue initially, it often ends in frustration, alienation of your spouse or other undesirable results.

Instead of looking outside your marriage for those exciting feelings of tension, we can learn to create them within our marriage instead.

Laura M. Brotherson has exercises in her book “And They Were Not Ashamed” that can help a couple rebuild those sexual tensions.These are her sensate exercises found in chapter 12.

Another effective exercise can be found in my blog post “Ancient Hebrew Sex Secrets.”

Both of these follow some basic principles and are easy to do. While there are many creative ways a married couple can create sexual tension, these are two that I highly recommend.

What are some other ways to reignite the spark of sexual tension that you can think of?