Is Withholding Sex From Your Spouse Breaking The Law Of Chastity?

Here's an interesting question for everyone, and something you may want to make a point of discussion with your spouse.

Is denying, withholding, or rejecting married sexual relations with your spouse a violation of the Law of  Chastity? Could a spouse be committing a sin of omission in this regard?

 What evidence can you share that would support your stance?

Is Masturbation Justified In A Sexless Marriage?

"I married my wife in the temple over 30 years ago, but most of which has been without regular sex. She has basically decided, unilaterally, that she does not want to "do it" any more.

On those rare occasions when we do, it's ALWAYS me who initiates it and for her, she's just doing her duty. I can't keep this up, it's killing me. I have resorted to masturbation on a few occasions but refrain mostly for all the usual LDS reasons.

It is, my choice of last resort. I do not involve pornography believe it or not, but instead I will concentrate thinking about my wife when I engage in masturbation. There is most often a sense of relief and the hormones released seem to help my general well being, in other words, my mood improves.

That having been said, I'm really looking for counsel as to whether I should abstain from masturbation altogether even though and this is not an exaggeration, my wife and I may never again have intercourse. I love her very much and none other.

What's in her heart is anyone's guess. I have sexual needs that are not being met by my wife and I refuse to fulfill that need with any other woman. Occasional "solo" masturbation seems to be my only outlet. (And yes, we're been to several of our bishops and marriage counselors over the years with no improvements in our relationship.)"

~ Anon56 

Dear Anonymous56,

Thank you for reading and your question. It is difficult to know the correct course of action based upon the information that you gave. In all fairness, I don’t know your wife’s side of the story. I will base my reply upon how I understand the situation from your side of the story and how it affects your relationship with your wife and our Savior Jesus Christ.

The presidents of the Church have taught us that sex in marriage has a two-fold purpose. One is to create bodies for our Heavenly Father’s spirit children. The second is to strengthen the eternal bonds of a husband and wife through physical intimacy.

You have  both been though the temple and made sacred covenants. To obtain the blessings of the temple, you must keep your covenants – including those pertaining to the law of chastity. That law of chastity also excludes sex with ourselves.  I also want you to notice that this same law of chastity doesn’t exclude any sexual activity we have with our spouse. Manual stimulation of the genitals does have its place, but only if used between a husband and wife as a means of strengthening their intimate bonds.

Solo masturbation is a separating and selfish activity, both of which are two of the four marriage killers I write about in my blog. If  you are not communicating with your wife and keeping your masturbation habit secret from your wife, then you’ve added a third marriage killer to your relationship.

I’m sorry to be so painfully frank with you Anon56, but because of your plan of action to remedy the situation, continuous masturbation will program a gripping habit in your mind, body and spirit,[1] in a similar manner as a person involved in profane erotica.  In some sense, there is profane erotica involved, since you are visualizing a fantasy version of your wife who wants to have sex with you while you masturbate.

I know that you have seen bishops and therapists already, but I must suggest you try seeing a marriage and family counselor (preferably with your wife) to help you reprogram your sex life - someone who understands the doctrine of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, since our issues and viewpoints are unique.

If your only option at this point is to either masturbate or not have sex at all, you don’t really have a marriage anymore - you have a roommate situation. In addition, your marriage is not likely to last. You are in a sexless marriage, which will not build you a healthy relationship and friendship that you both will want for eternity. You can reference my blog to the condition of sexless marriage here:

A return to a focus on your relationship with your wife may help. You’re going crazy not because of a lack of sex, but because of a lack of intimacy with your wife. To use a metaphor, you’re emotionally thirsty, but you are trying to slake that thirst by eating more food (orgasm through masturbation).

People can go a lifetime without ejaculating or having an orgasm. No one has ever died from failing to ejaculate, but people have suffered from severe depression, insanity and even death from lack of intimacy.

I find it hard to believe that you love her with all your heart. In one breath you say you do, but in the next you confess that you know nothing about her.  Clearly a major communication breakdown has happened somewhere between your and your wife, and that line of communication need to be re-established if love is going to thrive.

You expressed that you have to be the initiator all the time.  Men are biologically designed and naturally carry the role of initiator. At minimum, the spouse with the higher desire has claim to that role.We don’t have to be ashamed or frustrated by that. In most marriages, if no one initiated, sex just wouldn't happen. It is your God-given gift. You are “THE INITIATOR”. Own it.

Not all females are given the same strong sexual drive as men, and therefore often rely on the men to initiate sex. The key question for all men is “How do I do this effectively so she wants sex too”?

The answer goes back to communication. Each gender communicates differently. What men define as sex or romance is very different from a woman’s definition.

A misconception many men have is that a woman’s vagina fills her with the same drive and gives her the same sensations sexually as a man’s penis does.

Most men communicate love through their penis and feel loved when their wives give attention to their penis and husbands consider it the ultimate expression of love when she allows them into her vagina.

Unfortunately, we follow that emotional logic to think “Oh, she must feel the same, and if she doesn’t she is frigid or has a sexual disorder.” This is not true. Women by and large do NOT define sex, intimacy and affection the same.

If we want our wife to willingly and joyfully accept us into her vagina, we have to give her what she associates love and sex with - her heart. Touch her heart.

Here is how to touch her heart:

1.      Be kind to her. Constant criticism kills love and your sex life.

2.      Honor your priesthood. Women can find this to be very sexy; a woman can be turned on by a husband she feels is worthy to lead her to the celestial kingdom, which then inspires her to share herself with him sexually. This may sound goofy to men, but we’re not talking about communicating to men. We’re talking here about what turns a faithful woman on.

This means you should attend your regular Church meetings, lead your family in scripture readings and prayer, have regular Family Home Evenings, give your wife and children priesthood blessings, and attend the temple with her regularly. Cast evil spirits of contention and anger from your home when you feel them. This can work wonders for your sexual relationship. As unrelated as that may sound, it will help her feel loved, cared for and safe, and allow the Lord to open her heart (and vagina) towards you in many ways you can’t even imagine now.

3.      Talk to her, and more important – listen to her. Let her know what your sexual needs are. She has a responsibility to be considerate of your feelings and needs too. But, also ask her what she needs to feel loved and safe. Ask her how she defines sex and affection. If you're interested, I know of a test you both can take to help you discover those personal definitions. She has hung your "sex" out to dry, but you may not be aware that you may have been hanging her "sex" out to dry for years.

4.      Be kind to her children (this probably should be number one – it’s very potent for getting her to want to connect to you sexually).

5.      When you hold her, put your hand over her heart and hold it there. Ask her how it makes her feel.  Don’t get upset or weirded out if she weeps. Crying is a good sign – it means that she is accessing her emotional center, which can sometimes lead to feelings of sexuality toward you. 

6.      Sex starts for a woman in the brain, not in her genitals. A woman can get turned on with a story, or a scenario. Get her dreaming. Talk with her about what she would find romantic – what and where. A story involves a place, or a situation. It doesn’t have to be complicated. It doesn’t have to involve sex; it could involve cuddling, rubbing her feet or kissing. This sort of talk begins to channel her constant thoughts from the cares of the day into her primitive sexual brain. It helps her to connect emotionally to her desires.

7.      Make life more fun together. If sex seems like a duty to her, that should be a warning sign to you that you have just become another task on her list to check off. Women do not generally share the same perspective on "duty" that we men do. This is not using sex to build an eternal relationship. Take her on dates every week, romance her, bring her flowers weekly by surprise, or write her little notes.

These sorts of things can touch her heart, and work differently on different woman. You’ll need to experiment to see what works best for your wife. Pray for inspiration in this regard – you are entitled to it. The Lord is very interested in the success of your sex life. If you haven't already read it, Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages could yield some potential help in this area.

8.      For couples with more severe sexual troubles, a good start might be to read Laura Brotherson’s book, And They Were Not Ashamed. You could invite your wife to read this with you if she chooses. Laura Brotherson is very good for helping sisters to reconcile the importance of sex in a married relationship, and in terms that women relate to. She also has some exercises that you both can do together in order to rebuild your sexual relationship.

9.      If your wife finds it difficult to talk about her feelings, you can encourage her to write them. She may find it easier to express herself in a different way than talking. When she does express herself - never, ever criticize what she says, no matter what your inner reaction. If you want her to accept you eagerly into her vagina, you have to develop a relationship of trust. She has to know she can trust you with her deepest feelings, and there's few areas more sensitive than our sexuality.

Many men make the mistake of forgetting the reason she wanted to marry them and have sex with them in the first place. She wants to be romanced – her whole life. This is why we have been counseled by our Church leaders to continue the courtship after marriage.

If you’d like to try something new sexually, she may be adverse at first, but that doesn’t mean she’s totally against it. She just may need some time to warm up to the idea. Touch her heart, talk about it with her and try to understand her feelings. Restate what she says to make sure you understand.

In order for sex to be an eternal bonding experience, it must be a “sharing” activity. If she’s just laying there and “thinking of the Red, White and Blue” (doing her duty), you’re just using her body to masturbate on. Don’t get me wrong, quickies do have their place, but the majority of the time, when we men have sex with our wives, we should be looking in her eyes, talking to her, holding her hands, and learning how she is feeling or how she wants to be touched or held.

When she tells you how she wants to be touched, do it (no matter how dumb or un-erotic it sounds to you). What’s dumb to you may be very erotic to her (and vice versa).

Thirty years is way too long to go without regular, loving, intimate sex, but that doesn’t mean your marriage is automatically doomed. If you’re willing to try again, and your wife is willing to try again, there’s hope. Building an eternal relationship can take longer than a lifetime, but the sealing allows us the time.

Marriages also get into trouble when we start depending on our spouse to make us happy, and using them to justify our selfish reactions. Masturbation in the situation you describe here is little more than a short-term escape valve from your troubles. Instead, I would challenge you to do the hard thing, and go after the root of the problem instead – your lack of intimacy with your wife.

Don’t just go masturbate and give up on your wife. Your marital intimacy is the very key to your eternal salvation.  Try something new, until something works, or until you’ve exhausted every possible way of getting through to her. Take 100% responsibility for your sex life and you won’t regret the results. At least once spouse fully committed and invoking the Lord's help can work wonders to save a marriage.


[1] Duhigg, Charles, The Power of Habit (2014, ch.2)

The Four Marriage Killers – Separation

“And I, the Lord God, said unto mine Only Begotten, that it was not good that the man should be alone; wherefore, I will make an help meet for him.”[1]

In the beginning God declared that it is not good for man to be alone. This God-given desire dwells in all of us. The lack of companionship and emotional comfort from others leads to great feelings of loneliness and heartache. It can even lead to depression and infidelity.

In the beginning of our lives, our need for connection, intimacy and physical touch caused us to reach out to our parents or other family members for attention and comfort. In our growing years, we reach beyond our immediate family for companions our own age. 

In our adolescent and adult years, feelings blossom beyond just needing a friend and into a mate we can confide in, someone who will validate our most intimate thoughts, feelings and desires and someone we feel we can raise a family with.

A misconception many carry is the belief that after marriage the intense need for an intimate confidant has been completely satiated through our spouse, and if they truly loved us then they would never even desire to seek intimate validation from another.

This desire for intimacy never goes away, married or not.There is no magic switch that flips off when we make our marital covenants.

When we are separated from our spouse for any length of time, like dehydration from lack of water, the need for physical as well as emotional intimacy wells up within us and we instinctively seek it out. This can happen unconsciously, and sometimes from inappropriate sources. Our body and lymbic system (sexual subconscious) doesn’t discriminate when it has this desire.

The need for intimacy can manifest itself through developing an addiction to profane erotica and masturbation. It also appears through “harmless” flirting with the opposite gender and/or making a friend with the opposite gender who we begin spending time confiding our feelings and dreams and (if allowed to develop) our desires. 

Validation from this new friend causes a chemical reaction in our brain that creates an emotional bond to this person. When this happens, powerful infatuation chemicals are released, making our desires for this new person hard to break.This is known as limerance, and it's extremely difficult to break. [1.5]

According to Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr. of www.marriagebuilders.com , this is the point where an affair has taken a foothold in your life and drastic measures must be taken to break its grasp on you.

Infidelity doesn’t happen all at once as a single conscious waking decision. Like flaxen cords, it begins with the subtle basic feeling of loneliness. If those feelings are satiated with someone other than our spouse, momentum builds.

Eventually it may take outside help from a professional to help you control those feelings and heal the damage they can cause…damage such as immorality or adultery, the loss of material possessions or employment, or psychological damage to marriage and family. No one is immune.

The Counter To Separation is Closeness

How do we prevent damaging types of separation? By cultivating closeness with our spouse.

When I talk of separation, I’m not talking about needing the occasional quiet time away from everyone to meditate or read a book or rest our minds with other activities.

I’m referring to situations spouses face such as overnight business trips, long military deployments, sleeping in separate bedrooms, living as if you and your spouse are roommates, working late frequently, neglecting date nights with your spouse, or sacrificing time with our spouse for nights
out with “the guys/girls” that are intended to exclude your spouse.

Consider this statement by Dr. Harley:

“One of the most controversial positions I take regarding marriage is that a husband and wife should be together for their favorite recreational activities. Whatever it is they enjoy doing the most, they either do with each other, or they don't do it at all.

Some feel that I am out to destroy marriage with that suggestion, not save it. After all, how can a husband and wife survive each other in life unless they are able to get away once in a while to have some fun?

‘You are meddling, Dr. Harley! I need something to look forward to, and _______ is absolutely essential to my survival,’ is the response I often hear from spouses when first introduced to the idea. ‘There are some things a man and woman simply cannot enjoy together, and yet are essential to their happiness.’

But my advice is not based on ivory tower speculation. It's based on years of observation. Couples who spend their most enjoyable time together tend to have great marriages, and those who do not, tend to divorce. Furthermore, I have witnessed hundreds of couples who have given up activities that only one enjoyed for activities that they both enjoyed. None went crazy, and almost all of them were very happy that they made the change.”[2]

Also think on this counsel from Elder Joe J. Christensen, formerly of the Presidency of the Seventy:

“Keep your courtship alive. Make time to do things together – just the two of you. As important as it is to be with the children as a family, you need regular weekly time alone together. Scheduling it will let your children know that you feel that your marriage is so important that you need to nurture it. That takes commitment, planning, and scheduling.

It doesn’t need to be costly. The time together is the most important element.”[3]  

Essential business trips or military deployment don’t have to be a death knell for our emotional connection to our spouse and our marriage. Away from our spouse, the basic principles of “For the Strength of Youth” still apply. 

Modern technology has made it easier than ever for us to stay connected to our spouse, and (where possible) we should. Planning when and what you will do together to renew your intimate connection when you return is imperative. 

If you find your day at work or couple of hours away at a committee meeting leaves you or your spouse feeling emotionally in need of validation or connection, this renewal time may need to be planned more often.


Our spouse has the responsibility to be there for our emotional intimacy needs. Likewise, we need to support them as well.  Every individual is at their own level of spiritual or emotional development. Our spouse may have a greater or lesser emotional intimacy need than our own. Creating eternal bonds means listening to our spouse to learn what their intimacy needs are and doing what we can to meet those needs.

If you find you or your spouse's communication skills are lacking and affecting your ability to be close, then it's time to practice what is called "meta-communication". This is talking about talking. When you and your spouse talk, make note and discuss what worked and what didn't. Be mindful of understanding how your spouse defines certain terms. For example, love, affection, time together, alone, being mean, sex, intimate, porn, time with children, etc... Assuming what the other means affects clear communication. 

"One of the more important types of clear-sending communication a couple should use in their sexual relationship is called meta-communication, or talking about communication. For example, if [spouses] sit down to tak about what happened in the argument they just had, they are meta-communicating. With respect to sexual intimacy, when spouses talk about sex and their sexual encounters with each other, they are using meta-communication. This type of "relationship talk" is a key part of any mature relationship."[3.5]

“A husband [or wife] is to love [their spouse] with all [their] heart and cleave unto [their spouse] and none else….The words ‘none else’ eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes pre-eminent in the life of the husband or wife and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse.”[4]

Is it worth our efforts to always be close to our spouse? Indeed it is! Emotionally investing in our marriage is a habit we need to develop if the marriage is to become an eternal one. 

 

---

[1] Moses 3:18
[1.5] Beam, Joe PhD, The Truth About Limerance Affairs (2015,1)  http://joebeam.com/blog/limerence

[2] http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5069_qa.html

[3] Christensen, Joe J. “Marriage and the Great Plan of Happiness”. Ensign, May 1995
[3.5] Busby, Dean M. PhD, Carroll, Jason S. PhD, Leavitt, Chelom, JD, MS, Sexual Wholeness In Marriage, ISBN978-0-9819576-4-7 (2013,126)

[4] Hunter, Howard W. “Being a Righteous Husband and Father”, Ensign, Nov. 1994 (quoting President Spencer W. Kimball from The Miracle of Forgiveness)

The LDS Marriage Bed has a Facebook page

The LDS Marriage Bed now has a facebook page. Here I post additional quotes, information and questionaires for your marriage, SO I invite you to click "like" on the LDS Marriage Bed facebook page. I will also post there when I post my latest articles at this blog.

May God  bless your marriage - eternally,

- Coach Sam

Response to Reader Comment on "Secrets"

My response to this reader was too long to post in the comments section, so I'm posting the comment and the response as a blog.

An anonymous reader recently wrote:

I know that there are two schools of thought, regarding the issue of "full disclosure of past sins" to our fiance or spouse.

I happen to agree with Brent Barlow's opinion, that past sins should be left in the past. Unless the past sin is something that might affect your future spouse (i.e. STD's), or if they insist upon knowing your full past, then it is better to not divulge past sins.

One of the main reasons that Bro. Barlow pointed out, was that it is better that your spouse not have to deal with the thoughts of your past sexual history, wondering how they might compare, wondering if your mind wanders to past sexual encounters when you are having sex with them, etc...

As a former Bishop, when asked this question, I usually told them that the past is wiped clean. If their fiance asks about their past, they can say something like, "I was not perfect, but I am clean and worthy to take you to the temple." If they insist upon knowing the particulars, then that is a possible sign that they are too immature to handle the truth anyway, and when the truth is shared with them it will likely result in a break up.

I have a close friend whose Bishop made his wife (at the time, his fiance) disclose to him her past sins, prior to them marrying. My friend wishes that the Bishop would have left it up to them to decide what should be disclosed, rather than that information being forced on him. It has been something that he has struggled with, on and off, over their 20+ years of marriage (the thought of his wife being intimate with another guy, even though it was years before they met).

My advice... the past is in the past.

Your statement: "Such sins, even if they happened before we met our spouse, are sins against our spouse". I need to respectfully disagree with this statement. Before we met, there were no covenants made to each other, our covenants were with God. Once we married, our covenant was with God and our spouse. Such a statement could cause a spouse to hold past sins over their spouses head, reminding them about their past mistakes, and not letting them put them behind them.

God has told us that when we repent of our sins, He will remember them no more. We need to strive for this type of love and mercy in our lives and leave past sins in the past.

Unfortunately, there are probably way too many people who are not emotionally mature enough to handle some secrets (from past mistakes). I say leave it in the past.

Dear Anonymous June 23:

Thank you for your comment and thank you for reading my blog. You brought up some very interesting points that do need addressing.

I came away from your comments with the feeling that you endorsed keeping secrets from our spouse or future spouse. I hope I was mistaken in that.

The attitude of "Heaven forbid I should tell my fiance about my past, because they’re too immature to handle it" is not the best attitude to begin an eternal relationship with. Would you know where Brent Barlow said this? Would you be willing to share with us this source? I was not able to find anything on the Church website or in his writings that I have that suggest this idea.

With all due respect to you and (possibly) Brent Barlow, full disclosure makes more sense from an eternal relationship and gospel perspective.

Perhaps my meaning would have been clearer if I had said “affects our future spouse” instead of “sin against our future spouse”, but I do believe breaking the law of chastity is a sin against our future spouse. That is a doctrinally correct idea.

Busby, Carroll, and Leavitt, administrators and family and parenting teachers at BYU and the authors of the book Sexual Wholeness, also put it this way:

“Is it necessary, though, to seek forgiveness from a potential marriage partner for previous serious sins? We believe that our covenants with God – and a future spouse – are violated when individuals are sexual with someone else before marriage. Consider that the future spouse is inadvertently injured – even if the person sinning hasn’t met their future spouse yet, and even if they fully repent before they do meet them.
 
Nevertheless, this does not always mean that the future spouse needs to be fully informed about such previous indiscretions or asked for forgiveness, even though in some circumstances this would be appropriate.

If couples keep in mind these facets of the principles of repentance and forgiveness, and at the same time balance them with the important principles of openness and honesty, they should be able to find a solution for their unique relationship and personalities, one that will help each of them make the best possible decisions about a future marriage together.” (p. 197)

The loss of our virginity to whatever degree before marriage carries a psychological effect on our relationship with our spouse. It must be dealt with and healed or adjusted for within the marriage relationship. If we think it doesn’t have an effect, we’re fooling ourselves. If we think that we can cavalierly “sow our wild oats”, then repent and take someone to the temple, and act as if the whole matter never existed, we’re likely in for a huge shock.

Life is full of latent consequences for our past choices. There is no way of telling whether past sins will come back to bite us, but they very often do, and in ways we don’t expect.

If a sexual sin has been committed, just because we’ve forgiven ourselves and tried to move on…and the bishop has cleared us of it…and the Lord has forgiven and forgotten it…doesn’t mean that the consequences no longer exist.

The unknown love child that shows up on our doorstep twenty years later…the photographs that show up on the Internet…the lie detector test during a job interview for a security pass that forces us to reveal our past sins…the surprise STD discovered during a blood donation…accusations of sexual assault decades later…the past has its ways of affecting the future.

Yes, the Lord forgives and forgets our repented transgressions, but he will not necessarily take away the consequences of our choices (Kimball, Miracle of Forgiveness, pg. 143-145). There is no statutory law on sins in heaven.

It has also been my experience that despite LDS cultural beliefs, or Victorian Christian beliefs in general, ignorance does not keep our children safer. In fact, it has the opposite effect. Because of this, I believe we should also prepare our youth to be mature when it comes to giving and receiving full disclosure with a future spouse, as everyone comes with some sort of baggage.

Sometimes the person we are engaged to may not care to know our past. I do agree with you that the bishop had no business forcing disclosure from the couple you mentioned, but since I don’t know the full particulars of that circumstance, I can’t make a truly informed judgment in that case. In general, I believe these issues should be kept between the couple and the Lord. However, to be unified, all three in the covenant require full disclosure.

And, would we really want to marry someone who is not willing to support us in dealing with the consequences of our past transgressions? Would we want to find that out after we’re married, or before? Which would be less detrimental to our life in general, as well as to the trust in the relationship?

I say, give the betrothed an opportunity to acknowledge that past before the wedding. At least that way, you’ll know that your spouse will be willing to work with you, and not feel that you trapped them into marriage by deception.

Our future spouse is preparing to spend eternity with us. There is nothing immature about them wanting to know about our past. To me, it’s the definition of maturity to want to know the whole story, warts and all.

Part of those consequences (and part of the repentance process) is making reconciliation with all those whom we have wronged, no matter whom it is or how long it takes. That can include our future spouses, who could potentially be affected by our past transgressions.

All that we may have to disclose is that “I have committed transgressions. I have fully repented of them and I would prefer to forget them. However, if you feel I should disclose them to you, I will at any time.” Some people may prefer not to know, but some would like to know. Our spouse or future spouse absolutely has the right to know.

Marriage is, by its very nature, a vehicle for developing growth and maturity. If our spouse knows our past sins and we know theirs, we can help each other to move forward, and we know that we are loved regardless of what we’ve done. This is the kind of love God shows us. God forgets our sins on purpose, and so should our spouses, but our spouses also inherit the challenge to help us deal with the fallout from our past transgressions, and we with theirs.

As for your friend, or others who may wonder how their spouse feels about those people they were once intimate with, we can always ask them. We can always ask for assurances if we need them, and there’s nothing wrong or weak about that.

Better yet, we can look at where our spouse is now. Are they choosing to spend their lives with us, instead of former lovers? Are they with us, and giving us the loving actions they might choose to give someone else? Actions speak much louder than words.

Sin, even repented sin, creates baggage. Our choices have consequences. Marriage is about finding someone who we can love enough and who loves us enough to help us unpack. Unpacking doesn't mean "throwing away". It can also mean revealing, sorting, organizing and managing, as the past always brings future effects. Ultimately, it’s up to each couple to decide best how to assimilate past baggage.