Reader Question: LDS Wife Says, "More Sex Please?"

WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred sexual nature and is intended for married readers only. Those who are currently unmarried are advised to keep to the standards of the Church and refrain from reading the married sexual instruction that follows.

Dear Coach Sam,

In regards to the topic of a couple's difference in sex drive or desired frequency of intercourse, it is generally assumed that the man is the one who has more desire or wants sex more frequently.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only woman in the world who has a stronger sex drive than her husband does. We've been married over 25 years and it has almost always been this way.

I think it's mostly a personality thing (not a physical inability). I am just more driven and intense than my calm, even-tempered husband. But it's a challenge...for both of us!

Two questions—is this really odd for a woman to feel this way? And—do

you have any thoughts on healthy, appropriate ways for a wife to

express her needs/desires without putting pressure on her husband to perform?

Thanks, Anonymous

PS: Assume a loving relationship and willing cooperation from both partners.

I'm content....I just want more :)

Dear Anonymous,

“There is a high-desire and a low-desire partner on almost every marital issue – and these positions often reverse across the many issues married couples face.”[1]

Let me put your mind at ease – you are not the only woman who has a higher sex drive than her husband. There are actually a significant percentage of women in such a situation.[2] Since sex is sacred (and for many a very touchy subject), women don’t often share this information freely with others. If you spoke to more people around you on this issue, you would probably learn this from your own experience as well.

Stereotypically, a husband has the role of the sexual initiator in a marriage, because he often has the higher sex drive in the marital relationship. He would usually want it more often than his wife. This is because he has higher levels of testosterone in his system than she does. Testosterone is the hormone that controls sex drive.

This is not always true, however, and for a multitude of reasons. You mentioned the personality difference between you, which could be a factor for the two of you.

Possible Reasons for a Man’s Lower Sex Drive

Physically, a husband might have a lower testosterone level than normal. If it gets too low (lower than about 300 nanograms per deciliter (ng/dL)), then his drive could get low to nonexistent.[3]

As a man ages, his testosterone levels can tend to decrease slightly. Not for everyone, but for some.  If he’s had physical damage to his testicles, or if he’s on any kind of antidepressant or hypertension medication, that can also affect his libido. If his job or home life is very stressful, that can also affect his sex drive.

Usually, when a husband’s sex drive is lower than his wife’s, the first thing that counselors will do is have them eliminate any physical or chemical factor – to check with a doctor to see that everything’s normal.

If he doesn’t want sex for months and months, I would recommend checking this out medically. It’s not healthy for men to have low testosterone levels over a long period of time. It can lead to higher instances of heart disease, erectile dysfunction, fatigue, depression, or low bone density/osteoporosis, according to WebMD.

However, if he wants sex once a week or once every other week, and he’s happy with that frequency, then that’s probably not a physical problem. It could be that there’s nothing physically wrong with him – it doesn’t automatically follow that a low sex drive means something’s wrong, for either a man or a woman. The parameters of ‘normal’ sexual desires in people are pretty wide. The problem then becomes more the difference between your drive and his.

There’s More to Sex Than Intercourse

“If one is forever seeking the interests, comforts, and happiness of the other, the love found in courtship and cemented in marriage will grow into mighty proportions…the [qualities] most vital for love are consideration, kindness, thoughtfulness, concern, expressions of affection, embraces of appreciation, admiration, pride, companionship, confidence, faith, partnership, equality, and dependence.”[4]

You said that your sexual encounters are good, but you would like more. How often do you have sex currently? How often would you like to have sex? How often does he want sex? How do you make up the difference?

If you’re having sex at least once a week, but you’d like to have more, sex doesn’t have to mean intercourse. It’s time for you to define what ‘sex’ is for you.

• Is it intercourse?
• Is it kissing? 
• Is it cuddling and pillow talk? 
• Is it him bringing you to orgasm?

There’s lots of ways you both can have sexual encounters and receive an orgasm that don’t involve making his penis hard and making him feel required to perform. (‘Perform’ meaning he needs to get an erection and have intercourse with you). Contrary to popularized media beliefs, a man is not always instantly ‘ready’ to have sex.

If you’re okay with sex not involving intercourse every time, reassure him that you don’t need him to ‘perform’ sexually for you. Tell him you would like to have sex more often, but _________   is what sex means for you.

The part of sex that most women often crave more than intercourse is the intimacy, the closeness, the skin contact, the friendship that should happen along with the intercourse. 

How are you achieving intimacy with your husband? Dating is a great basic way of building intimacy, and if you’re not dating regularly, you should be, at minimum.

Do you have a vibrator? Does he know how to use it with you? Does he know how to do oral sex, or bring you to an orgasm manually? Does he know how to bring you to orgasm through means other than intercourse, if more frequent orgasm and skin contact is what you feel you are missing?

If he doesn’t, and he’s open to some instruction, there’s information to be found in books or online.  Find an information source you feel comfortable using, and learn more about how to do these things. Practice what you need to learn, and then discard the source to protect others in the household from finding sexual content by accident.

If you can't find a resource that you trust, or are uncomfortable with the possibility of encountering profane erotica in the search for information, I could offer you some options, instruction and guidelines.

Sexual Charity for your Spouse

  

“Jesus knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands, and that he was come from God, and went to God;

 He riseth from supper, and laid aside his garments; and took a towel, and girded himself.

After that he poureth water into a bason, and began to wash the disciples’ feet, and to wipe them with the towel wherewith he was girded.

Then cometh he to Simon Peter: and Peter saith unto him, Lord, dost thou wash my feet?...Thou shalt never wash my feet.

Jesus answered him, If I wash thee not, thou hast no part with me.

Simon Peter saith unto him, Lord, not my feet only, but also my hands and my head.”[5]

Remember that charity is not just about serving others, but humbling yourself enough to allow others to serve you. In marriage, we should have charity for each other sexually.

The spouse with the lower sex drive controls the sex in the marriage – in your case, your husband. Share with him that this is an opportunity to serve you and what you need to feel loved. Just make sure to reassure him that he doesn’t have to have intercourse with you or have an orgasm himself if that is a sensitive issue for him, but that you need his help with something only he can do for you.

Men can be very solution-oriented[6], and they can get a lot of pleasure and satisfaction from fixing a problem and feeling competent. This is an opportunity for him to fix a problem for you.

When he does follow through, thank him and praise him. Let him know how thoughtful he is, and how good he is at fixing your problem. This can be very romantic for a man. He gains intimacy from knowing he can make you feel good, just as you gain intimacy from a good relationship with him.

I’m glad that you both have a happy and healthy relationship, and are mutually willing to work on this. I hope these comments are helpful to you.

I should have probably started with this but it's important to remember that 80% of obtaining the best possible marital intimacy is having good communication skills and you both feeling safe to share your most intimate thoughts with each other. 

I offered some suggestions, but to be fair to your husband, I really can't know what would work best for your situation without talking with him as well. 

If you feel you still have challenges with you and your husband communicating about your sexual relationship and find that he would be willing to let me meet with you both, I'd be glad to assist in any way I can - at no charge to you. 

Sincerely,

Sam Zaragoza

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[1] Schnarch, David, Passionate Marriage, pg. 329

[2] http://content.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1728520,00.html. In an interview with Time Magazine, counselor Michele Weiner-Davis commented on a survey she did with Redbook Magazine, where she asked women about who wanted sex more, their husbands or them. Sixty percent of wives surveyed said they wanted sex as much or even more than their husbands.

[3] Resource at WebMD: http://men.webmd.com/features/low-testosterone-explained-how-do-you-know-when-levels-are-too-low

[4] Kimball, Spencer W. Marriage and Divorce, 1976 Devotional Speeches of the Year,  as quoted in Eternal Marriage Student Manual, page 172

[5] John 13: 3-6, 8, 9

[6] Gray, John, Ph.D. Men, Women & Relationships, pg. 109-110

Reader Question: Sexting Your Spouse

 So, I have a question for you. Would you consider a wife sending sexy pictures of herself to her husband's cell phone porn? Why or why not?

Dear Anon July 19th,

For a deeper answer to your question, you may want to refer to my article series "My Porn is Okay, Your Porn Is not Okay, Avoiding The Double Standard I, II, & III." [i]

According to Dr. Simon Goldhill of Cambridge University, pornography is an invention of the 19th century Victorian culture. It began as a collection of archaeological artifacts that are sexual in nature. They contain clay and stone models of sex organs and images of sexual acts, many of which were religious in nature and sacred to the people who created them. Much of the collection were not considered sexually arousing to the ancient culture, but were instead a form of symbolic communication used to keep the peace.

The collection of the artifacts evolved into an effort by the "gentlemen" of that era to label, name and control their world. Their efforts to control who was allowed to view them was partially so that the images would not be abused and made a mockery of, or unintentionally offend those who would interpret them out of context.[ii]

Before the Victorians, no other culture in the world even had a concept of anything being “pornographic” - including the people in the scriptures. Even the Victorian culture couldn't nail down an agreed definition of the term – nor can we today. Since the 19th century, the term pornography has gone through several changes in definition.

Each subculture in today's world has its own definition of pornography. Our Mormon subculture has even established its own definition. Dallin H. Oaks gave us that definition when he described it as "images and words intended to arouse sexual desires.”  However, he followed this statement by quoting the Savior, who said,

“Whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.” [iii]

Committing adultery with our spouse, to whom we are already legally and lawfully married, is to me a contradiction in terms. It would also contradict everything that is taught in the gospel about the boundaries established by the Lord in regard to sex and sexuality. All things sexual are to be kept (and expressed) within the bonds of marriage.[iv]

Looking at the sacred, naked body parts of our wives or husbands (by whatever medium we may choose) is completely within the bounds the Lord has set and therefore cannot be defined as pornography or profane erotica  - as the leaders of the Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints have defined it. It would be in fact a viewing of sacred erotica. (You can read more on that by reviewing my article "Latter-Day Saints Take Pleasure In Sacred Erotica")

Someone else viewing images of our spouse’s nakedness would be viewing them in a profane erotica context. If ‘sexting’ is a practice you choose to do between each other as husband and wife, I would recommend immediate deletion of those images after they’ve been viewed by the intended spouse.

If a spouse desires to express their intimate feelings in this visual manner, and put themselves in a vulnerable position for your benefit, you should respect that vulnerability and do all that can be done to protect them from exposure and humiliation.

If such an image were someone else’s wife or the scantily-clad or nude image of a single daughter of God’s body, that image would be profane erotica to us.

We can think of profane erotica in terms of what is licensed and unlicensed. To become a lawyer, you must pass a bar exam to be licensed to practice law. An unlicensed person can hang a shingle as a lawyer, but he would be in violation of the law.

I prefer to not use the term "pornography" at all, because of it's fluid state of definition. I prefer to use the terms sacred erotica and profane erotica. Profane being taking something holy and treating as though it had no value and making it unholy. Sacred erotica would be those things that sexually arouse you within the bounds the Lord has set.

You are licensed through marriage to view images of your spouse, and such an image therefore is not a violation of God’s law and therefore is sacred erotica to you. A person who is not licensed through marriage to view your spouse’s nudity would be in violation of God’s law, and the very same images would be profane erotica to them.

I’m not a lawyer, but it’s my understanding that if minors (such as children or children’s friends) accidentally come upon those images, it could be considered a felony and prosecuted as such. Were another adult to view those images, it would be a sin in allowing another to ‘uncover the nakedness of your spouse’[v], not to mention the considerable embarrassment involved for all parties.

If the wrong button were pressed, and that image were broadcast on the Internet (it does happen), the problem would only be compounded, with far-reaching latent consequences in many directions that could involve damage to careers and reputations, as well as other sorts of repercussions.

Bottom line, I would recommend the exercise of basic caution and consideration for each other. I believe this is true in whatever sexual practice we choose as couples.

---

[i] http://eternalmarriagebed.blogspot.com/2010/09/my-porn-is-okay-your-porn-is-not-okay.html

[ii] Simon Goldhill is Professor in Greek Literature and Culture and fellow and Director of Studies in Classics at King's College, Cambridge. See Wikipedia for a list of his writings.

[iii] Dallin H. Oaks, Pornography, Apr. 2005 Gen. Conference

[iv] Eternal Marriage Handbook, pg. 139-146

[v] A significant part of Leviticus 18 deals with laws concerning different forms of sexual immorality, which refer to immorality as ‘uncovering the nakedness’ of someone in an inappropriate way.

Mormon Birth Control - A Reader Question

Do you receive many questions regarding sterilization or birth control? 

I am having trouble finding any direct doctrine and people in the church seem to have very strong opinions!  Where can I go to find doctrine about sex without baby-making intention and how my husband and I can make decisions about permanent birth control after children?

Thanks-

Concerned Mother

Dear Concerned,

That is an excellent question. I do not get a lot of questions on birth control, but it is certainly an appropriate subject that involves sex and sexuality in marriage, and the General Authorities have addressed this subject many times.

The Bishop's Handbook of Instruction (BHI), Handbook II and the Eternal Marriage Student Manual have a lot of information to give. The BHI (as of 2011) basically says:

• The Church will not take an official stance on what a husband and wife can or cannot do sexually in marriage.

•  The Church will not dictate how many children any married couple should have. Leaders are instructed to counsel the members that they should have as many children as they can without jeopardizing the health of the mother or children. They should also make it a matter of prayer (as a couple) to determine when they should stop having children, and by what means.

In general, the following seems to hold true:

• The only method of birth control opposed openly by the Church is abortion[1]. Even with abortion, there are rare circumstances (such as rape, incest, or when it’s medically determined necessary to protect the mother's life) when it would be an acceptable (though heartbreaking) option. Mothers who have chosen abortion as an option before they were aware of this can still find peace and forgiveness through the Lord’s atonement.[2]

• The Church does have some say about more permanent methods of birth control. Bishops are generally told to discourage vasectomies, but the decision should be serious a matter of prayer for the couple. My belief of why it’s discouraged might have to do with its more permanent nature in the body. It's quick and cheap to have done, but it's typically very expensive to reverse – sometimes $8,000 or more - and reversals may not be covered by insurance or even be effective in some.

A couple may not want children now, but who’s to say what the future will bring? A wife may pass away, and the husband may remarry. His new wife may want children. We don't know. It's something to consider in your decision. There are circumstances where a vasectomy might be justified, even though it’s officially discouraged, but not a condition of worthiness in the BHI. These are decisions a couple must prayerfully make for themselves. What I like to call "Adam and Eve" decisions.

Like Adam and Eve's decision to partake of the fruit (knowing the consequences), sometimes (as husbands and wives) we have to weigh choices and make the best decision we can for our individual circumstances.

Tubal ligation (the operation to close the Fallopian tubes in a woman, also called ‘tying your tubes’) or a hysterectomy are options too, but are also discouraged. Again, the reason may have to do with the permanence of it and the effect it may have on the body or health of the wife. These are serious operations, and also very hard and expensive to reverse, so I believe these procedures are discouraged for the same reason. A hysterectomy will put a woman immediately into menopause if her ovaries are removed, as the ovaries produce much needed estrogen and progesterone[3], which brings its own set of troubles to contend with. However, there may be very specific circumstances where a tubal ligation or a hysterectomy might be called for.

“Abortion must be considered one of the most revolting and sinful practices in this day, when we are witnessing a frightening evidence of permissiveness leading to sexual immorality. We take the solemn view that any tampering with the fountains of life is serious, morally, mentally, psychologically, physically. To interfere with any of the processes in the procreation of offspring is to violate one of the most sacred of God’s commandments—to “multiply, and replenish the earth.” [4]

I'm presenting this quote President Kimball gave about abortion on purpose. Quotes like this are most often twisted by those who would give wrong counsel that we should not use birth control of any kind, anywhere, for any reason. But I ask you, if this was the case, why would there also be counsel such as this from President Hinckley?

“I am offended by the sophistry that the only lot of the Latter-Day Saint woman is to be barefoot and pregnant. It’s a clever phrase, but it’s false.

Of course we believe in children. The Lord has told us to multiply and replenish the earth that we might have joy in our posterity, and there is no greater joy than the joy that comes of happy children in good families. But he did not designate the number, nor has the Church. That is a sacred matter left to the couple and the Lord.

The official statement of the Church includes this language: ‘Husbands must be considerate of their wives, who have the greater responsibility not only of bearing children but of caring for them through childhood, and should help them conserve their health and strength. Married couples should exercise self-control in all of their relationships.

They should seek inspiration from the Lord in meeting their marital challenges and rearing their children according to the teachings of the gospel”[5]

Such comments may seem to contradict each other, but when you think about it, they really don’t. When the brethren talk about not using birth control, they aren’t saying ‘don’t use birth control under any circumstances’. They're saying "don't postpone your family. Start having children right after you get married. Let them come and then work with the Lord on when and how to stop.

Current medical science tells us that women have a short window from about 18 to 35 in which they are physically capable of bearing children. After that time, difficulty in conceiving and health issues begin to impede the process of childbirth, and they may become less able to handle the physical rigors of raising young children.  

Those who choose to postpone their family can often face problems such as infertility, or a higher risk of birth defects such as Down ’s syndrome, miscarriage, stillborn, and chromosomal abnormalities.[6] Artificial insemination is available for help with fertility problems, but it tends to be expensive, physically uncomfortable, emotionally disruptive, and leads to a greater possibility of multiple births instead of single births. This can increase the difficulty in raising the children, and can increase the temptation towards abortion.

Some biological evidence has been set forth that children born to older parents might have changes to the telomeres in their DNA, which can lead to additional vulnerability to disease or perhaps a shortened lifespan for the child in some cases.[7]

I don’t know that these things would happen to every person – they may not, but these are very real potential variables. Deliberately choosing to waste the very short window of opportunity for building your family in the name of such things as education, or career, or freedom to travel, might end up a bitter trade.

In addition, it’s my understanding (which is becoming more and more supported through research) that denying a woman children for financial reasons or otherwise, denies a very basic and fundamental aspect of her sexuality. Some of the strongest desires a woman has in regards to sexuality center around having a baby. These desires can awaken at different times and in different ways, but they are very similar to the powerful sex drive that a man experiences. While a man’s sexual cycle is fulfilled at the time of ejaculation, a woman’s cycle can be much longer, and usually isn’t fully fulfilled until she has given birth to a child.[8]

What’s the bottom line on birth control? It's really a spirit of the law thing. There can be no hard and fast rules because there are too many variables to life's circumstances. When it comes to birth control as a married couple, all that is required is to use our best judgment and include the Lord in our decision.

Put the responsibility back on the Lord. That way, when you stand in judgment, you can say "Well, we asked you in prayer, and went by what we felt you wanted us to do. If it wasn't what you wanted, we misunderstood, but we were doing our best to be obedient." I believe that is all that the Lord requires - that we are sincerely doing our best to be obedient to him. He knows our hearts. The only one who can make that distinction is you and the Lord – not your parents, not your neighbors or fellow ward members, or even your bishop.

Once you’ve had your children and you feel ready for birth control, there are lots of forms of birth control you can use. Condoms are an option, especially the female condom (which I believe is a work of genius.) They are comfortable, with little loss of feeling for the husband or wife. They are easier to use and make cleanup easy.

Hormone treatments such as the Pill or Depo Provera can have side effects, but also can be very reliable. There is a new method for men to use that is undergoing clinical trials as of this writing, and may be available soon. It’s called Vasalgel, aka RISUG - where a spermicidal gel is injected into the male’s vas deferens, which lasts around 10 years (it's undergoing clinical trial now). There are many other birth control options as well.

The general membership of the Church really does not have authority, right or power to judge or to pass social sanctions when it comes to birth control use in marriage.

“When to have a child and how many children to have are private decisions to be made between a husband and wife and the Lord. These are sacred decisions—decisions that should be made with sincere prayer and acted on with great faith…

The bearing of children is a sensitive subject that can be very painful for righteous women who do not have the opportunity to marry and have a family. To you noble women, our Heavenly Father knows your prayers and desires. How grateful we are for your remarkable influence, including reaching out with loving arms to children who need your faith and strength.

The bearing of children can also be a heartbreaking subject for righteous couples who marry and find that they are unable to have the children they so anxiously anticipated or for a husband and wife who plan on having a large family but are blessed with a smaller family….

Brothers and sisters, we should not be judgmental with one another in this sacred and private responsibility.”[9]

There is much to be found on this topic. Much good information is found in the section on birth control in the Eternal Marriage student manual. It’s available through www.churchofjesuschrist.org and costs about $3.00. There’s also www.churchofjesuschrist.org itself, which is free, and a search on the terms ‘birth control’ will bring back a lot of information as well.

Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints who may be telling you that we as Saints are forbidden from using birth control under any and all circumstances are misinformed. I think it would be valuable for them to take a deeper look into the origins of where their beliefs come from, because such pronouncements are not based in LDS doctrine as it currently stands.

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[1] http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/official-statement/abortion

[2] Russell M. Nelson, Abortion – An Assault On The Defenseless, Ensign, Oct, 2008 http://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/ensign/2008/10/abortion-an-assault-on-the-defenseless?lang=eng

[3] http://women.webmd.com/surgical-menopause-estrogen-after-hysterectomy

[4] President Spencer W. Kimball, May 1975 Ensign, italics added

[5] President Gordon B. Hinckley, Cornerstones of a Happy Home, pamphlet released to the Church in 1984, pg. 6

[6] http://www.marchofdimes.com/pregnancy/trying_after35.html

[7] Kimura, Masayuki, et al. “Offspring's Leukocyte Telomere Length, Paternal Age, and Telomere Elongation in Sperm”, PLoS Genetics, 15 Feb 2008. http://www.plosgenetics.org/article/info%3Adoi%2F10.1371%2Fjournal.pgen.0040037

[8] An excellent discussion of this point can be found in the documentary, “Orgasmic Birth”, which can be found on Netflix for viewing. A short review of this documentary can be found at this link: http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/12/11/orgasms-during-childbirth/

[9] Neil Anderson, ‘Children’, Oct 2011 Ensign

Reader Question: My Husband Has A Transvestic Fetish

"My husband has transvestic fetishism. We have four beautiful children and are very active in the church, this has been building in our relationship, and I have tried to be understanding and work with him. We are trying to set limits. He is afraid if anyone finds out he will be excommunicated or disfellowshipped, but the urges continue and grow.

Can you offer any advice? We have let our recommends lapse and I haven't pushed them being renewed because I am afraid and worried. He really wants to go out to a city away from our home all dressed up and have dinner. I don't want to do this, and am trying to help him in other ways, but he is depressed. This has really made his testimony waiver." ~ Anon Feb 23rd

Dear Anon Feb 23^rd,

Thank you for your question.

To be truly fair to your husband, it would be difficult to know what his challenge is or to jump to any conclusions for giving suggestions to possible solutions without meeting with your husband first.

I think it important for all my readers to be aware that there are differences between those who believe they are transgender, those with gender dysphoria, those who are transvestites, those who dress as drag queens, or those with homosexual proclivities.  They are not the same conditions and can take on varied characteristics.

I remember a time (not long ago) when they used to be all culturally lumped together as one disorder and were considered as "gay" or homosexual. This is not true.

For example, someone who was born male but feel like they are a female trapped in a male's body could have same or opposite sex attraction.

Going from your description, if he is feeling depressed for feeling restriction on his desire to express himself as a woman and not necessarily for sexual arousal reasons, he may be classified as transgender. This is a very difficult condition to bear, and requires careful and loving care and guidance for a licensed professional. If you feel this more closely fits his description, feel free to contact me directly to discuss possible options.

But, for the sake of this article, we can walk the track that you believe he may be on - transvestic fetishism.

As I described in my article on sexual perversions, transvestic fetishism is a paraphilia. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fourth edition, text revision (2000), which is also called DSM-IV-TR, this is a deviancy whose origin in the individual isn’t always clearly defined.

Also, according to the DSM-IV-TR, the desire to wear women’s clothing sometimes stems from the male’s relationship with his mother. If she held a strong grudge towards men and/or insisted on dressing her son in girl clothing, he may grow to associate dressing this way with love and acceptance. Again, I can’t tell you if this is the case with your husband; this cannot be fully determined unless it is diagnosed by a professional.

Society, the media and our surrounding cultures are often the only entities that have determined what counts as gender deviation in clothing. There is nothing in the gospel that makes a separate distinction, other than we are to dress ‘modestly’, with dignity, and that we should dress in a way we would feel the most comfortable in the presence of the Lord.[i]

A male dressing fully as a woman at church may be possible, as long as he were dressed modestly. The members may raise a proverbial eyebrow, but generally they try to stay focused on being loving, accepting, and staying in the spirit of wanting to help others reach their spiritual potential. The members are also usually too focused on their own spiritual inadequacies. However, it could limit his ability to exercise his priesthood outside his home (he could not bless the sacrament, hold leadership positions, or give priesthood ordinations dressed as a woman). This conflicts with known doctrine.[ii]

There’s a good chance that public displays or announcements of this sort would be viewed as a deviancy in parts of conventional society and certainly within our LDS subculture.

The Proclamation to the World does specify that spiritually we are created male and female, and we are expected to present and develop ourselves as such. Even if we feel like we are truly the wrong sex inside and have a sex-change operation in this life, a physical operation cannot change our spirit or our DNA, and would only be reversed to their original state in the resurrection. (Alma 40:23) Such an operation, in my opinion, is an obsolete 60-year-old archaic practice that raises serious questions about its efficacy, and which permanently sterilizes the individual. Lying to a person about their birth sex to alleviate stress may be doing that person a disservice. I believe that in most cases, they would be better served by kindly helping them come to terms with the sex they were born with.

It’s Church doctrine that, when we die, our spirits remain as their original gender. When we are resurrected, we will be restored to our original form, as whatever gender we were physically and spiritually born as.[iii]

If this were a fetish that is just an occasional, private something fun to express between the two of you, I see no problem that would make either of you unworthy to attend the temple. The problem with focusing on a paraphilia (as I defined in my sexual perversions article) is that it can potentially be detrimental to your relationship for the following reasons:

• Forcing you or shaming you into doing something you feel is wrong is called “coercion” which is a selfish act. Coercion is not condoned by the Church, and may affect his worthiness as a husband, priesthood holder and recommend holder, even if you go along to get along.

• The purpose of sex is to strengthen your eternal relationship as husband and wife. If either of you are selfish sexually, this will instead push you apart. That could lead to the death of your marriage.[iv]

• More than anything else, I’m concerned that you are allowing his fetish to be put above your marriage and going to the temple. You mention that you have both allowed your temple recommends to lapse. This is a serious red flag to me, and should also be a red flag to you.

You went to the temple to be sealed for eternity as husband and wife. Your sealing is contingent upon both of your willingness to keep the covenants you have made in the temple. If he is putting his fetish above you, above his membership in the church, above his worthiness to go to the temple, he may be telling you by his actions that his fetish is more important to him than staying married.

·        Clinical psychologist Dr. Jennifer Finlayson Fife once said that one mistake many married couples make is the idea that making sacrifices for your marriage means throwing yourself under a bus to hide your spouse’s destructive behavior. This is not ever required of any man or woman in the gospel, and is not a righteous sacrifice.

• Be aware that you’re probably being tested. The adversary doesn’t care about you or your husband, and is bent on seeing your family’s destruction. The temple and our marriages make us more like Christ and bring us closer to him. Satan knows that if he can keep you away from the temple and tear apart your marriage, he can destroy you and make you miserable like him.

• This sort of fetish is not considered a deviancy within the worldly LGBT community, which is why those of our members who do feel this way are often drawn there. Everyone wants to feel accepted; no one likes feeling like an outsider among their own friends and family. Many times the ability to talk about what they’re going through with others in the same situation…the relief they feel from being able to be validated and ‘open’…is what cements their identity as a gay/lesbian/bisexual/transvestite/transgender person in the world. However, the risk of going in this direction could make him sympathetic to apostate groups, which may also make him unworthy to enter the temple. It has also been found (for transgenders) that validation and acceptance of the gender they "feel" they are does not always mend the ever-present internal conflict or reconcile themselves mentally with the biological make-up they live in.  I’ll address this further in a moment.

You mention in your comments that it is something that you don’t like, and it concerns you that he wants to express himself this way in public. If this is something that you have expressed to him and he still pushes the issue, he is being selfish, although forcing him to push back his feelings could also become selfishness on your part. There is no place for selfishness in a healthy marriage.

My heart truly goes out to you; this can be one of the hardest trials a couple can face. Your expectations for your marriage have probably not been fulfilled as you wished, and the death of long-held expectations can feel as bad as a death of a close friend or relative. Taking personal time or space for grieving is appropriate.

Yet your situation is what it is. I applaud you both for trying to face this together and for not running away from it. The Lord loves both you and your husband. Your relationship with your husband is worth fighting for, or you wouldn’t be trying to keep your marriage alive. Maintaining an eternal perspective and putting your trust in our Savior Jesus Christ can also help.

I do have some suggestions for you in this instance, and I hope you might find some help from these. Your situation, though thorny and difficult, may not be entirely without hope. Some of the suggestions I’m about to give may sound unconventional, but try to keep an open mind and remember that there are ‘traditions’ in the LDS culture which are not necessarily ‘doctrinal’.

• My first suggestion would be NOT to have your husband take his troubles to your bishop (unless you trust him implicitly).[vi] Chances are good that your bishop will not be skilled in knowing how to diagnose and come up with tools that will help your husband understand his feelings and perhaps overcome them. A licensed LDS Marriage and Family Therapist or LDS psychologist would be the best person to speak with, if your husband still desires to be LDS. This issue is not something that needs to be confessed to the bishop, unless your husband has engaged in homosexual or other sexual activity with people he’s not married to, or unless he’s watching and masturbating to profane erotic material. 

• If you can find one, I would also recommend seeing a hypnotherapist who is trained specifically in neurolinguistic programing, but only if your husband feels like he has a problem and doesn't know how to deal with it or make it stop. As I mentioned above, many paraphilia have their origins in our childhood experiences. The subconscious governs our habits and always goes toward what we associate with pleasure. It also has no sense of time. Many times, the only way to correct a detrimental behavior is at the subconscious level, and that may require a specialist.

• I know the thought of this may be frightening, but it’s absolutely essential that both of you find trusted people to talk to about this situation. Make sure that the people you talk to are people who will not betray your confidence and expose your family to public ridicule. A good bishop, high priest group leader or Relief Society President may not be professionally trained to handle these sorts of matters, so use your best judgement. A paid professional, as I mentioned earlier, can be a godsend with a situation such as this. You both will need listening ears (other than each other) to help you address the ups and downs of this situation and help you put things in perspective. I don't recommend trying to deal with this alone. You’re too close and too emotionally invested in this situation.

• I encourage you to reach out to others who also struggle with paraphilia or dysphorias in the Church. There are other worthy, righteous members of the Church struggling with the same issues; you’re not alone or without those who understand. One such group that may have others in the Church who can relate to your husband is North Star  and there are likely more local groups as well. Please go find them. Your husband is not deranged or evil. He’s not a freak of nature. There are many who struggle with this, and for God’s own purposes, each trial is unique. There are loving members of the Church who can help you understand him, and help him understand himself.

• If you’re both open to the idea of limits for the sake of maintaining your marriage, there are options you could try. If his attraction to women’s clothing is relatively minor (perhaps he prefers the feel of the fabric), he could wear women’s underwear under his garments. Even choosing to wear women’s style garments instead of men’s style is more of a preference than a hard guideline. What anyone else would say about it (other than you) is irrelevant. No one on Earth would know (and no one should know) except you and he. The garments are sacred, and if he would feel comfortable in the Lord’s presence doing this, there’s nothing wrong with that. He could also try wearing silk men’s underwear under his garments, or there are men’s garments that come in softer fabrics.

• If he wants to get dressed up as a woman and go away to a different city for dinner, you could let him know that you could do it one time for the experience, but not repeatedly. When married couples date, they often do things they don’t like doing for the sake of their spouse. They take turns doing things the other likes to do. You are under no obligation, however, to repeatedly engage in situations that make you uncomfortable or put you both in jeopardy of violating laws of God or man. There are venues where that would be socially acceptable - such as a costume ball.  If he can plan it in a way that helps you stay comfortable for the evening, then go for it. If that’s not an option and you already know that, then don’t.

• Be patient with your husband; the feelings he’s feeling are very real, and will be very difficult to let go of, if he’s able to do so. This struggle could take a very long time to overcome (maybe his whole life), but you have all eternity to try. If your husband is feeling like he is a woman inside and that is why he feels he must dress this way, I strongly recommend he address this with a professional LDS counselor.

• You said that he desires to push the boundaries of the expression of his fetish.  There are limits to how far these boundaries can be pushed while still maintaining Church membership. We are not excommunicated for our desires, but for the actions we choose to take.[vii] If he continues down this path and it leads him to adultery or a sex-change operation or any other such sin, the Bishop’s Handbook of Instruction points out that this could be grounds for church discipline but the policy now seems to be geared toward the decisions made on a case by case situation. Adultery can sometimes be repaired and membership reinstated; a sex-change operation could mean permanent excommunication, but check with your Bishop for the current policy.

• Remember that your husband has his agency, and may choose to follow the worldly way of viewing things. In the temporal/secular view, a man dressing as a woman or having a sex-change to become a woman is simply a ‘self-acceptance’ that should be celebrated and surrendered to. This is a potentiality you should prepare yourself for. It will likely mean the end of your marriage if he does choose to go in this direction. He has made covenants with you, and keeping covenants with the Lord goes beyond feelings. We don’t always go to work every day because we feel like it; usually we do it because we have a responsibility to our obligations. Sometimes we have to give up something we want very much for something better. Earning the Lord's trust requires that we bridle our passions. Not bind them to the ground, but keep them under control, and that requires a strong faith that the promised rewards will be worth it, and a strong relationship with the Savior through prayer and revelation. Only he can desire this and work on this, but you should seek such revelation for yourself as well.

• If you yourself want to stay a member of the Church, then renew your temple recommend (without him, if necessary) and return to the temple as often as you can. Your children need your activity for their protection, as well as yours. Your husband needs your faithful example. Regularly renewing your covenants at the temple will also bless your marriage.

• Be careful about what voices you associate with and listen to (this goes for your husband as well). Those who struggle with gender dysphoria and same-sex attraction can find themselves at a crossroads in life, with two very divergent opinions pulling them in two different directions. The Church and the gospel say one thing, and the world says something completely different. We in the Church, no matter what our situation, need to continue daily prayers, daily scripture study, regular Church attendance, and giving service to others in order to renew our testimonies of the gospel.

• A testimony is not something we’re born with, or something that is permanent in some people and not in others. A testimony is a gift from the Lord, and it must be continually fed and maintained, like a delicate plant. If we stop feeding and renewing our testimonies, they will die. A good talk on this issue was given by David Bednar, called “Ye Must Be Born Again”. I recommend that you read this talk with your husband’s challenge in mind. Another good talk for your situation would be the more recent ones given by President Nelson, “Joy and Spiritual Survival” and three by Dieter F. Uchtdorf, called “Forget Me Not”,“You Matter to Him” and “The Merciful Obtain Mercy”.You can find these at www.lds.org.

• Be sure and familiarize yourself with the Church’s official stance on LGBT issues.[viii] It’s helpful to know the Church’s perspective on these issues, so that you don’t react to your husband or other LGBT people with inappropriate outside cultural reactions, some of which can be hostile. Your husband is a child of God, beloved of our Father in Heaven, just as you or any of us are, and he will be judged of God according to his thoughts, desires and actions, just as any of us will be.

• The temple recommend questions about the law of chastity and associating and sympathizing with apostate groups might raise concerns for you in the temple recommend interview. An apostate group would promote transvestite fetishes, drag queens, and sex change operations. You can support your husband and other LGBT people by loving them and being kind to them and trying to understand what they’re going through. This does not involve activities such as going to a gay bar, putting together a drag queen act with him, marching in a gay rights parade with him, or promoting same-sex marriage, adultery or fornication. Those things would make him unworthy, and the Lord and his church cannot support that. From what you’ve described, I’m guessing he hasn’t gone that far yet.

With circumstances such as yours, most people email me first. I do wish I had your question in an email, so we could discuss this in a more private way. Since you asked me on my blog, I will offer you this public answer and hope that you will find your way to it. If you do have any other questions regarding this issue after reading this, please feel free to email me at samzaragoza@sbcglobal.net.

Also, if anyone reading this has had experience with gender confusion or same-gender attraction or concerns with being a transvestite such as this, or if you know of other good resources for LDS couples facing these issues, please feel free to post (anonymously or otherwise) on this blog, so that we can learn from your experiences as well.

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[i] For the Strength of Youth pamphlet, Modesty

[ii] The doctrine that we are spiritually created male and female is clearly defined in the “The Family: A Proclamation To the World”, given by President Gordon B. Hinckley on September 23, 1995.

[iii] Alma 11:43

[iv]  for my article on selfishness in marriage.

[vi]“Is the Bishop in Your Bedroom?”

[vii] Holland, Jeffrey R., Helping Those Who Struggle With Same Gender Attraction

[viii] for the Church’s official position on LGBT issues and the gospel.
[ix] President Russell M. Nelson on LGBT issues in the current century