Doctrine or Myth: Part II - Don’t Talk About Sexual Things; It Keeps Kids Innocent and Safer Longer

In the beginning of our family…

My wife and I were blessed with four beautiful children in our family. When they were babies, their teaching began right away, because we thought back to the example we’d been given, and decided to try and do better with the Lord’s help. 

We taught them directly from the scriptures before they were old enough to understand the language. We sang Primary songs as lullabies, and hymns while doing the dishes. We told them we loved them daily. We taught them in Family Home Evening about their bodies, and how they were special and sacred. 

We taught them about their two-fold mission in this life – to gain a body, and learn to control it. This came in handy when their wiggles got out of control as toddlers. It came in handy because maintaining an “eternal perspective” gave them an answer to the question of “why” by helping them see beyond the desires of the “right now.” [i]

Don’t ‘Share Bodies’

We also told them that some parts of their bodies were especially sacred (specifically their chest area or breasts, their lips, their penis or vulva, and their buttocks). These parts were not to be shared with or shown to anyone, except for Mom or Dad - if they felt something was wrong. We also discussed when and how to share these sacred parts with a doctor. 

The term ‘sharing bodies’ is an easy way to broach the subject of sexuality with young children. Because it was an easy concept to grasp, we quickly learned it was appropriate to a toddler’s understanding.

Use the Real Words

We used the actual names of body parts at all times, instead of cultural euphemisms. When they got to school, it was something of a surprise to them that everyone didn’t use the actual words, but we continued to call body parts what they were.

 As the children grew, if they used words that they’d learned in school, like ‘booty’ or ‘johnson’, we reminded them that those words were irreverent ways of speaking about the sacred body, and we continued to encourage them to use the actual words. 

Like using ‘thy’ and ‘thine’ when addressing the Lord, this helped them to establish that there were more respectful and reverent terms that could be used when referring to their bodies. It also helped establish terms everyone was comfortable with when they felt the need to ask questions about their reproductive and erotic parts. 

We’re Always Here For You…

Coming into parenthood, we weren’t strangers to the types of mischief that could happen when children went off to play – even if it was no farther than our backyard. Because of this, we taught them to come to us immediately if something happened…if someone tried to ‘share bodies’ with them, even if that person told them not to tell us. That was how we discovered the neighbor children were learning from very different, even tragic, examples in their families. Some of them tried to perpetuate that abuse on our children. 

It’s a fact that, even in the nicest families, in the safest gated communities, there is no escaping the worldwide onslaught of profane erotica and its effects. 

In some countries in the world, one in four children are being molested at home, often by trusted family members, who may have also been molested.[ii] Are these families talking about sex in their families? Chances are, they aren’t. And their innocence is quickly lost.

 Because we had prepared our children for such a circumstance, they knew right away what to do when someone helped themselves to their sacred parts or exposed themselves. Our kids were empowered to remove themselves from the situation without feeling like they’d lost their virtue.

Is it possible for someone to build a successful eternal sexual relationship on secular beliefs, or faulty, incorrect information? It can’t be done.[iii]

 

When we have a true gospel understanding about sex and intimacy, we must share it with the children. They need to hear it from us more than anyone else.

Next week… How we taught our teenage and young adult children and the consequences that followed…

---

[i] Uchtdorf, Dieter F., Continue In Patience, Liahona (May 2010), https://www.lds.org/liahona/2010/05/continue-in-patience?lang=eng

[ii] http://www.ibtimes.co.uk/child-sexual-abuse-top-5-countries-highest-rates-1436162 In addition, Tom Inglis, a sociologist at UC Dublin, stated in the documentary, “Sex and the Celts” that ‘in spite of progress, Ireland remains one of the most sexually abusive countries. One in four have faced some kind of sexual abuse in their lives.”

[iii] see “Truth: The Foundation of Correct Decisions” by Richard G. Scott; https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/10/truth-the-foundation-of-correct-decisions?lang=eng

Gospel Doctrine or Cultural Myth: Don’t Talk About Sexual Things; It Keeps Kids Innocent and Safer Longer - Part One

Think back to your experience growing up in your family.

Was sex or intimacy discussed amongst family members? Clearly talked about at the dinner table? Discussed in Family Home Evenings?

Did anyone ever talk about it? 

Or was it suppressed with a ‘never you mind’ or a ‘you’re not old enough yet’, or an eye-roll, or talked about reluctantly or in whispers and with some uncomfortable hemming and hawing? 

Was the tone a formal ‘let’s get this unpleasantness over with’, or was it more like a matter-of-fact conversation? Was sexuality treated as something “too sacred” or “too dirty or evil” to ever talk about? Was the impression left that if something is sacred or filthy, it’s better to not mention it all to protect your “innocence”?

This exercise is not meant to point fingers at our parents – chances are, they never or rarely talked about it either, and didn’t have a good model of how to teach sexuality effectively. Their responses to you were a reflection of what was taught to them. 

Parents are always braving new territory. Not only are they raising children, but often doing it in different circumstances than their parents did.

In addition, for most parents (when it comes to teaching or talking about sexuality), their only model was their parents. When things go wrong, or the kids have questions about sex, or it’s time to give the kids “the talk”, the only file we as parents have to draw from is what our folks modeled for us.

Do you ever find yourself asking…what could my parents have done better? What could I do better now that I’m a parent?

Dr. Joe Beam in a recent podcast interviewed a married couple whose lives had been caught up in sexual abuse and profane erotica from a very young age, and whose marriage suffered as a result. They worked together as husband and wife to successfully overcome these challenges and shared their experiences with Dr. Beam. When asked what would you advise parents to teach their children, they said:

 “…one thing that I would say, not so much to the teenagers but the parents of those teenagers, is just simply have the conversation. Be willing to talk about it.

 (My wife’s) upbringing was that sex wasn’t even mentioned. My upbringing – the only thing I ever heard was ‘Don’t do it’.

And so there wasn’t really any education; there wasn’t any comfort level of ‘ask Mom or Dad a question about it.” That didn’t happen….

We want to be that safe place (for our kids). We want to give the truth to them instead of them hearing (about sex) from friends. So, have the conversation…”[i]

Who’s Teaching the Children? 

I’ve seen a lot of online discussion and even criticism lately regarding how lessons about the law of chastity are taught in church by Young Men and Young Women leaders. For the sake of those children without a strong home support system, these leaders will continue doing so as part of their uncompensated callings, and they should. They will always do their very best to help those in their charge, whatever that ‘best’ looks like.

Who then really holds the responsibility of preparing the children to safely ford their way through the complex maze of sexuality in the world and in the gospel? Parents, I point the finger back at you. How are you addressing the teaching of sexuality and anatomy to your children?

Does the thought make you uncomfortable? I don’t believe it has to. In addition, comfortable or not, that responsibility doesn’t belong to schools, and I haven’t found anywhere that says the responsibility primarily belongs to Church leaders and teachers.

The Lord placed that responsibility squarely on the parents.[ii]

 

So how are we teaching our children about sex? Are we as parents setting what you would consider to be a positive example?

In our marriage, is sex something that strengthens our eternal bond, or is it pushing us apart and too painful to talk about? 

Are we hiding the existence of sex from our kids? 

Are we opening our mouths on a regular basis, teaching our kids about their bodies and how special and sacred they are, and how to protect them, no matter what their age?

Direct teaching and indirect modeling both have to be there for learning to be most effective. If they’re not, what needs to change in your family?

Next week, we’ll talk about the teaching that took place in our family when our children were young.

---

[i] Rusty. "Husband" with Dr. Joe Beam. How Porn Affects Husband and Wife. The Joe Beam Show. 24 May 2016. 31 May 2016. http://origin.btrcdn.com/marriageradio/2016/05/25/how-porn-affects-husband-and-wife--the-dr-joe-show

[ii] D&C 68: 25-28; see also GospelPrinciples Manual, Lesson 39

Eight Facts About The Clitoris

 WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred sexual nature and is intended for married readers only. Those who are currently unmarried are advised to keep to the standards of the Church and refrain from reading the married sexual instruction that follows.

I found this very helpful article written by Kyle Towers and Dr. Sadie Allison that I wanted to share for my professional quote this week. This article was too big to post on the LDS Marriage Bed Facebook page, so I’m posting it here on my blog.

It has been edited for an LDS audience, but if you want to read the original article, you can find the link below. Although, I also give my caveat that their version I found to be a bit profane.

“The clitoris is every woman’s — and smart lover’s — best friend. Yet proper education on its capabilities has eluded humanity until recently. In fact, it wasn’t until 1998 that the anatomy of the clitoris was properly mapped out.

Predominantly male scientists have long dismissed its existence, even removing it from anatomy diagrams. Which really makes you wonder… Why?

...Hopefully the following facts about this God-given organ, which solely exists for pleasure, will inspire married lovers to make it a focal point of foreplay.

1.  The Clitoris Has Two To Three Times More Nerve Endings Than The Penis

While this helps give pleasure to a wife during foreplay and sexual activity, it also might be why your clitoris is often too sensitive for direct contact. 

So be sure to inform your husband about how to touch or indirectly touch your clitoris, accordingly. This may require some experimentation and clear communication. Trial and error is part of the process, and you have all eternity to perfect it.

2.  Just Like Your Love For Each Other, It Never Stops Growing

Your clitoris can grow to be 2.5 times larger than it was when you were a teen.

3.  All Penises Started Out As A Clitoris

When we were ... embryos, we all had a vulva (what is commonly thought of as the vagina, but includes all the parts of a woman’s genitals). The embryos which had Y chromosomes and therefore became male, morphed their clitoris into a penis, and their outer labia into a pair of testicles.

4. Can a woman have an 'erection'? Yes, actually...she can.

Because the penis was formed out of a clitoris, both are made up of the same spongy tissue, which expands when aroused. So women, in a sense, can also have erections when aroused.

5. Clitorises Come In A Variety Of Different Colors

In fact, no two vulvas are alike. Which is kind of special in itself if you think about it. Each new bride has her own special vulva that she can share with her husband that is unique to what any other husband gets. 

This makes it extra sacred in my book.

6. A Clitoris Can Be The Same Size As Some Men’s Erect Penises

That’s right! The visible part of your clitoris is only the tip of the iceberg.

It’s actually 3-5 inches long, mostly positioned on the inside along the vaginal canal, and makes multiple forms of orgasm possible. This includes C-spot, G-Spot, A-Spot and even anal orgasm – which leads to the next advantage a woman has over men in having a clitoris.

7. Unlike Most Penises, a Woman's Clitoris Is Not A “One Hit Wonder”

The clitoris is capable of having multiple orgasms, because after an orgasm it retains most of its blood.

You may find that you need a little time to recover, because it becomes very sensitive directly after. But it bounces back, ready to orgasm again (and again, and again…) quite quickly.

8. Use It Or Lose It!

Didn’t you know? A clitoral orgasm a day, keeps the doctor away.

It’s incredibly rare, but there is a medical condition known as clitoral atrophy, which occurs when the clitoris doesn’t receive enough blood flow. This can cause the clitoris to retract into the body, or even result in the clitoral hood fusing to cover the clitoris head and shaft.

No, you don't have to use it literally every day, but do use it regularly, to keep it (and your marriage) healthy.”

~ by Kyle Towers and Dr. Sadie Allison (May 01, 2016) As edited by LDS Sex Coach Sam Zaragoza (8 Jaw Dropping Facts About The Clitoris)