Love = Love? What Kind of Love is Agape?

Agape is the final discussion of the ‘Love=Love? What Kind of Love?’ series. For the introduction, and the other articles on Philautia, Ludus, Eros, Mania, Storge, and Pragma, see the links here.

Of all the types of love considered in this series, this is probably the one most everyone is familiar with. I can’t drive through my own home town without seeing this word everywhere.  “Agape Church”; “Agape Hospice Care”; “Agape Shelter”; etc, though it seems the word is used without attention to or understanding of its full meaning.

Agape is the most critical type of love if we want to ensure a healthy marital relationship. In the rules of marriage created by God, it is the most important. This is the attribute marriage is meant to school us to become, but it’s not easy, and many couples back away from the full realization of that great blessing before they reach it.[i]

The marriage ordained by God requires that we break from the “equity theory” (belief that everything must have an equal outcome to be fair and that justice must be exacted in this life) of the secular world, and instead embrace agape – a Christ-like love.[ii]

So what exactly is agape? Does it have a dysfunctional side, and what does that look like? What does it take to develop it, and how does it apply to the LDS marriage bed?

Agape: That other kind of love

John A. Lee explains again:

“The classical Christian type of love, agape (pronounced “ah-GAH-pay”) is altruistic, self-sacrificing love that is directed toward all mankind. It is a self-giving love in which spouses help each other develop their maximum potential without considering their own advantages or costs. Agape is always kind and patient, never jealous or demanding, and does not seek reciprocity.”[iii]

As members of the Church, we have been taught this term by another word - “charity”.

“I consider charity—or “the pure love of Christ”—to be the opposite of criticism and judging. In speaking of charity, I do not at this moment have in mind the relief of the suffering through the giving of our substance. That, of course, is necessary and proper. ... I have in mind the charity that manifests itself when we are tolerant of others and lenient toward their actions, the kind of charity that forgives, the kind of charity that is patient.
I have in mind the charity that impels us to be sympathetic, compassionate, and merciful, not only in times of sickness and affliction and distress but also in times of weakness or error on the part of others.
There is a serious need for the charity that gives attention to those who are unnoticed, hope to those who are discouraged, aid to those who are afflicted. True charity is love in action.
… charity which refuses to find satisfaction in hearing or in repeating the reports of misfortunes that come to others, unless by so doing, the unfortunate one may be benefited.
Charity is having patience with someone who has let us down. It is resisting the impulse to become offended easily. It is accepting weaknesses and shortcomings. It is accepting people as they truly are. It is looking beyond physical appearances to attributes that will not dim through time. “  ~ Thomas S. Monson (2010, 1)[iv]

Agape Gone Bad

Anything good can go to the point of dysfunction, and that includes something as good as agape.

“Lee points out, intense agape can border on masochism: For example, an agapic person might wait indefinitely for a lover to be released from prison, might tolerate an alcoholic or drug-addicted spouse, or might be willing to live with a partner who engages in illegal activities or infidelity.” (Lasswell and Lasswell, 1976)

We all know someone (or perhaps, have been that someone) who gives and gives and gives to the point that we don’t know or feel like we’re allowed to know ourselves anymore. It’s at that point that our own sense of self starts to disappear, and this isn’t a good feeling or a good way to function.

Perhaps we give and give until we are exhausted and sick ourselves, and can’t give anymore. The Lord addressed this syndrome through King Benjamin, and showed this kind of self-giving as dysfunctional and out of order:

“And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore all things must be done in order.”[v]

The type of masochism Laswell and Laswell and Lee are referring to, such as throwing ourselves under a bus to cover someone else’s bad behavior, is not love. This behavior is not agape. Think of Christ. He suffered and paid the price for our sins, but there are conditions to benefit from the sacrifice He made.[vi] Based upon the models given to us in the scriptures, the Spirit does not and will not abide with those who abuse or take for granted someone’s efforts at agape or charity.[vii]

Agape at its Best

The ideal manifestation of agape is the same kind of love Jesus Christ had for us. It’s a sacrificial love, that does indeed involve giving of ourselves when we have something to give. Agape has many qualities:

“Charity suffereth long, and is kind;

charity envieth not;

charity vaunteth not itself,

is not puffed up,

doth not behave itself unseemly,

seeketh not her own,

is not easily provoked,

thinketh no evil;

rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;

beareth all things,

believeth all things,

hopeth all things,

endureth all things.

Charity never faileth….[viii]

After reading this list, it’s not hard to understand why social scientists such as John A. Lee complain of not being able to find examples of agape in the modern world. This kind of love is, in some circles, truly disappearing; for many, there’s no reason to justify seeking it out. It involves a level of vulnerability that’s uncomfortable. Some might even say that such behavior is dangerous, for dishonest and/or abusive people would truly take advantage of a person seeking to incorporate such qualities in their life.

So why would the Lord wish us to espouse agape, if it made us vulnerable and put us in danger? The Lord says that if we don’t have agape, nothing else we do will matter in the long run?[ix]

So What does Agape mean for the LDS Marriage?

The process that creates agape is not an easy process to endure. Each couple’s struggles will be different than any others, but the gospel is perfectly suited for each couple’s progression, if they are committed to working together through the processes.

Agape is a love that encompasses all people, and is especially important to seek for in family relationships. It’s these relationships, and the marriage relationship in particular that creates the friction, stress and strain necessary to develop such a quality as agape.

No other person on earth gets as close to us as our spouse. No other person on earth sees us at our very best, as well as at our absolute worst. It’s in marriage that we are revealed for who we are, where we need repentance and forgiveness the most, and where we can make the most progression toward our eternal goals – to become like Christ.[x]

There is no sense of this when we’re married ‘til death do us part. It’s hard to be committed to something when we can’t see how it benefits us and has an expiration date. Those of our brothers and sisters in the world can’t always see the Lord’s perspective. Those of us in the Church see the Lord’s perspective through the scriptures and through revelation.

When we integrate all the other forms of love, we become independent individuals, able to love ourselves as much as we love others and vice versa, when we develop agape, we become interdependent, able to love others as much as we love ourselves.

Then, once we have achieved completeness through developing the best attributes of all the kinds of love and find balance in incorporating all forms of love, we can help our spouse do the same and show them the way through our example.

Each form of love is possible through Christ and His gifts to us.[xi] May we all seek to give equal weight and consideration to each of these forms of love in our marriages, that our children and others will grow and develop optimally as well.

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[i] D&C 121: 34-40

[ii] What does it take to make a relationship work: https://youtu.be/tpivyuleQME

Youtube: Relationshp Equity Theory

[iii] Benokraitis, Nijole V., Marriages and Families, 5^th ed. 2005, 150

[iv] Monson, Thomas S., Charity Never Faileth, October, 2010 General Conference, LDS.Org. https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/10/charity-never-faileth?lang=eng

[v] Mosiah 4:27

[vi] D&C 19

[vii] Matthew 18: 1-6 (Children are the great exemplifiers of agape or charity, so those who take unfair advantage of those who offer charity will eventually face the consequences of their actions.)

[viii] 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

[ix] 1 Corinthians 13:1-3

[x] Oaks, Dallin H. The Challenge to Become, Ensign, Oct 2000;  https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/general-conference/2000/10/the-challenge-to-become?lang=eng

[xi] 1 John 4:19

Love = Love? What Kind of Love is Pragma?

Love is not an easy, one-size-fits-all word. It means different things depending on the context.

If you missed our introductory discussion, or any of our past discussions of Philautia, Ludus, Eros, Mania, or Storge, the links are here. Check them out.

Today we’re going to discuss the kind of love called ‘pragma’.

What is pragma?

Just as storge is a love that is more comfortable than more passionate kinds of love than eros or mania, so pragma is a calmer love with practicality behind it. It’s logic-driven.

John A. Lee defined pragma as ‘rational love based on practical considerations, such as compatibility and perceived benefits. Indeed, it can be described as ‘love with a shopping list.’[i]

Dysfunctional Pragma

Pragma, like any other kind of love, can be taken to extremes.

One way this can be done is to create unrealistic expectations for the person we want to marry. He must be a returned missionary, and work in a certain kind of profession, and never be without unemployment. She must be able to cook and keep house and entertain clients and raise well-behaved children, and never burn dinner, and she must be able to do this even if she works full-time. 

This person must always be in a good mood, and never be cross or angry. Perhaps they must think exactly like us, or they’re wrong. Their testimony of the gospel must always be strong no matter what. 

If dysfunctional pragma doesn’t get its benefits, there’s no reason to continue the relationship. This sort of stringent level of requirement can lead either to late-or-never marrying, or being too quick to divorce if the spouse doesn’t live up to the dreamed or imagined expectations. 

Often, we don’t consider that we’re holding others to a standard we ourselves could never meet.

Another way that pragma can go out of balance is when we attempt to work through the difficulties in our relationships entirely through logic. 

Logic and reasoning are excellent for researching solutions to difficulties we encounter. The Lord expects us to ‘study things out in our own minds’[ii], but if we want to be successful in our married relationships, there is more required than simply study and reason.

Pragma at Its Best

When balanced love holds elements of pragma, we want to do what it takes to live together peacefully for a very long time. In the case of an LDS couple, for eternity. Therefore, we tend to look for companions who share our religious views, moral and ethical standards and perhaps our background, our level of education, and someone who would be supportive of our vocation or other interests.

Functional pragmatic lovers support each other in their growth and progression. President Hinckley and his wife set a beautiful example of this.

“One evening when President and Sister Hinckley were sitting quietly together, Sister Hinckley said, “You have always given me wings to fly, and I have loved you for it.” Commenting on that expression from his wife, President Hinckley said, “I’ve tried to recognize [her] individuality, her personality, her desires, her background, her ambitions. Let her fly. Yes, let her fly! Let her develop her own talents. Let her do things her way. Get out of her way, and marvel at what she does.” Sister Hinckley was likewise supportive of her husband—as a father, in his personal interests, and in his extensive Church service.”[iii]

How does Pragma Affect an LDS Married Couple? Some Considerations…

When the General Authorities teach us about taking care when we choose to marry, and about making a temple marriage our goal, they’re speaking from a pragma mindset. 

Setting criteria for our relationship is a way of showing love, both intimate and otherwise. However feeble these efforts, they’re meant to prevent pain for ourself and our spouse, our children and our extended family through avoiding incompatibility issues and bad decisions.

The commandment to marry, and not only that, but to marry in the house of the Lord, requires that we take our decision to marry with utmost care and seriousness.[iv] No other decision we make in mortality has such far-reaching consequences.

In addition, we can allow for the influence of the Spirit, once we have come to a decision. The Lord’s ways ‘are higher than our ways, and His thoughts than our thoughts.’[v] We can use reasoning to come to a decision, and that decision can seem wise to us, but by itself in the long term can end up very short-sighted, simply because we don’t have the higher vantage point that the Lord enjoys.

We must have a certain amount of pragma in our search for a spouse, as well as other kinds of love to help guide our decision. Still, everyone comes with baggage, and a wise pragmatic lover would want to add to their list a person who would love them and that they could love enough to help carry and unpack that baggage – no matter what it may be. 

Incorporating pragma into the storge phase when it sets in helps us during that transition phase, when we realize the Prince or Princess Charming we married has warts. Pragma helps us to be okay with this realization, and to continue to love each other, warts and all.

Pragmatic love means not only just creating lists before we’re married of what we want our spouse to be like, but also to continue making those lists after marriage, of what we will do to help ensure the marriage will continue to succeed, both inside and outside the bedroom. Both spouses also need to interdependently unify those lists, which takes time and practice.

In the marriage itself, pragma manifests itself through trust, which extends into the bedroom. Couples who trust each other and feel that they’re both moving and working together towards the same temporal and eternal goals tend to feel safer to fully open to each other sexually.

Pragma also comes into play in the maintenance of a couple’s sexual relationship. When eros and mania die down, when the early passion subsides, pragma can help us continue having sex and building our spousal relationship, even on days when we might not ‘feel’ like it, as we did in eros and mania.

 If our spouse has a more spontaneous drive than we do, the spouse with the more cultivated desire can use pragma to give their spouse the gift of intimacy, and thus maintain the intimate connection between them.

Deliberately setting aside time to build our intimate relationship takes time and effort and planning, which is pragma love. A marriage doesn’t grow and succeed by mania alone.[vi]

In our last "Love = Love" article, we will evaluate agape, and consider how it incorporates with the other kinds of love.

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[i] Lee, John A. as quoted by Benokraitis, Nijole V. Marriage and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints. Fifth Edition. 2005. Pg. 150

[ii] D&C 9:8

[iii] Teachings of the Presidents of the Church: Gordon B. Hinckley, 2016, Chapter 10: Nurturing the Eternal Partnership of Marriage: https://www.lds.org/manual/teachings-of-presidents-of-the-church-gordon-b-hinckley/chapter-10-nurturing-the-eternal-partnership-of-marriage?lang=eng

[iv] “Marriage is perhaps the most vital of all the decisions and has the most far-reaching effects, for it has to do not only with immediate happiness, but also with eternal joys. It affects not only the two people involved, but also their families and particularly their children and their children’s children down through the many generations.” – Spencer W. Kimball, “Oneness in Marriage”, Ensign, Mar. 1977, 3.

[v] Isaiah 55:8-9

[vi] Brotherson, Laura, see the section ‘Making Time for the Relationship’(102) in Knowing Her Intimately: 12 Keys for Creating a Sextraordinary Marriage. Inspire Book: Boise, ID. 2016.