Is sex in marriage for procreation only, and doesn’t need to
be continued once all your children are born?
Answer: Cultural Myth
I’ve come across many members of the Church of Jesus Christ who have let their sex
life die out of neglect, or purposefully stamped it out, after their children
were born. This is a serious mistake to make in regards to the health and wholeness of an eternal marriage relationship, and is not supported by the
doctrine of the apostles and prophets, old or new.
“It is the destiny of men and women to join together to make eternal family units. In the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely approved. There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join in the process of creation and in an expression of love.”~ Spencer W. Kimball, The Lord’s Plan for Men and Women, Ensign, Oct. 1974, emphasis added
“Physical intimacy between husband and wife is beautiful and sacred. It is ordained of God for the creation of children and for the expression of love between husband and wife. God has commanded that sexual intimacy be reserved for marriage.”~Sexual Purity," For the Strength of Youth: Fulfilling Our Duty to God, (2001), emphasis added
"Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles explained the purposes of physical intimacy in marriage: "Within the enduring covenant of marriage, the Lord permits husband and wife the expression of the sacred procreative powers in all their loveliness and beauty within the bounds He has set.
One purpose of this private, sacred, intimate experience is to provide the physical bodies for the spirits Father in Heaven wants to experience mortality.
Another reason for these powerful and beautiful feelings of love is to bind husband and wife together in loyalty, fidelity, consideration of each other, and common purpose.' " ~ Marriage and Family Relations (2000, 15)
"True marital intimacy involves the whole soul of each spouse. It is the uniting of the body AND the spirit of the husband with the body AND the spirit of his wife.
That ‘soul-full’ union represents just how united a husband and wife are in all areas of their lives. They work together as partners, they pray, play, struggle, grow and enjoy life together. They sacrifice for each other, and encourage each other to be all they were born to be.
My dear brothers and sisters, marital intimacy is sacred. In fact, a husband and wife can be drawn closer to God when joined in true marital intimacy." ~ Wendy Watson Nelson, Love and Marriage,Worldwide Devotional for Young Adults , January 8, 2017
The belief that sex is for procreation only, and should or
will someday be eradicated entirely originates with the early Catholic beliefs
that:
- the body is evil
- the day will come that we will be freed from our body and all these earthly desires, and
- we must discipline ourselves to not give in to any bodily desires under any circumstances if we are to obtain perfection or an eternal life with God.
Sex
in marriage is good for much more than having children, though the function of procreation is truly important. It helps us (and
peripherally, our children and grandchildren) to become more like our Heavenly
Father.
“The lawful association of the sexes is ordained of God, not only for the sole means of race perpetuation, but for the development of the higher faculties and nobler traits of human nature, which the love-inspired companionship of man and woman alone can insure.” – Joseph F. Smith, as quoted in The Eternal Marriage Student Manual, p. 139, emphasis added
We don’t get the benefits of eternal marriage by simply
pretending to be happily married while our husband or wife is miserable because
they’re not getting any sexual intimacy. We must choose the path of happiness every day and go to
work on it (2 Nephi 5:27). This includes sex with our spouse – for all of our married life; not
just during the childbearing years.
If having sex in marriage is a miserable experience, only done out of duty, only for him/her but your sex/affection/intimacy has been hung out dry, something you view as sinful or look at with a feeling of dread - you're both doing it wrong.
Satan knows that if he can sour the sexual intimacy of a marriage and put a wedge between you, he is only a step away from destroying another eternal marriage. Marital intimacy is intended to be used as a tool to act as a balm to soothe the strait and sometimes difficult path of marriage.
The Lord wants children to be brought into the world of a loving marriage, not at the expense of it as some selfishly do. Recently, one of my managers confided in me that she never wanted to get married and have children, but at a certain stage in her life she began to realize her mistake and felt unfulfilled. She then told her husband that she didn't get married for him or have the child for him, but only to satisfy that part of herself that felt unfulfilled. This was a woman who is not a member of the Church, nor had the understanding of the role a happy marriage plays in the eternal plan of Jesus Christ and Father in Heaven.
If it is intended to not only unify, but create a loving relationship that wants to be together for eternity, isn't it then worth it to take the time to learn how to do it right? To discuss with our spouse how they define sex and help them to feel loved and fulfilled?
If having sex in marriage is a miserable experience, only done out of duty, only for him/her but your sex/affection/intimacy has been hung out dry, something you view as sinful or look at with a feeling of dread - you're both doing it wrong.
Satan knows that if he can sour the sexual intimacy of a marriage and put a wedge between you, he is only a step away from destroying another eternal marriage. Marital intimacy is intended to be used as a tool to act as a balm to soothe the strait and sometimes difficult path of marriage.
The Lord wants children to be brought into the world of a loving marriage, not at the expense of it as some selfishly do. Recently, one of my managers confided in me that she never wanted to get married and have children, but at a certain stage in her life she began to realize her mistake and felt unfulfilled. She then told her husband that she didn't get married for him or have the child for him, but only to satisfy that part of herself that felt unfulfilled. This was a woman who is not a member of the Church, nor had the understanding of the role a happy marriage plays in the eternal plan of Jesus Christ and Father in Heaven.
If it is intended to not only unify, but create a loving relationship that wants to be together for eternity, isn't it then worth it to take the time to learn how to do it right? To discuss with our spouse how they define sex and help them to feel loved and fulfilled?
3 comments:
My wife and I are both converts from our teen years and sex was never as taboo as it is among our LDS friends. It has always seemed to us that most of our friends treat it as taboo and are raised always learning that sex and petting and those forms of intimacy are sinful. Mainly because there is such a push from Church programs to teach the youth that message. However there needs to be a balance that the other side of the coin be that those things need to be encouraged once a couple is married. I had never heard that message until I was about to get married from my bishop. I hardly think that after years of instruction that something is wrong or sinful that one conversation will erase that instruction. Instead it should be taught that sex and all those other forms of intimacy are good and ordained of god. But that there is no equivalent to the right time, right place, and with the right authority.
Coach Sam:
This post came across your facebook feed the other day, and it intrigued me. I am reminded of an article I read a few months ago: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/maybe-its-just-me/201404/does-sexless-relationship-justify-infidelity I brought this topic up to a conservative LDS community on the internet to discuss the relationship between sexual "needs" (if sex is a need) and sexual "obligation" (if sex can even be considered an obligation). It was interesting how many comments from conservative LDS denied that sex was any kind of need and did not want to accept that a spouse had any kind of sexual obligations (other than not commiting adultery, obviously).
From your concluding statement here, and other statements you make (your sexless marriage and the sacrament post, for example), It seems that you believe that spouses have at least some level of obligation to engage and reach out to each other sexually. You tend to use these kind of "Sex is allowed in marriage" statements to support that position. My question is, -- do you really think that the LDS Church (institution) and/or our general authorities believe this? Is it really correct to extrapolate "sex is allowed in marriage" to "you should have sex in marriage"? It seems to me that, as a church and community, we are rather uncomfortable with that extrapolation.
Dear Mr. Shorty, When I repeatedly hear Boyd K Packer say "The power of procreation is not an incidental part of the plan; it is the plan of happiness; it is the key to happiness.
"https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2015/04/the-plan-of-happiness?lang=eng I believe the General Authorities believe you should have marital intimacy in marriage. However, let me be clear, sex/marital intimacy is not just intercourse - as some people, including those with physical handicaps and limitations may not be able to have intercourse. So sex/marital intimacy comes in many forms of giving and receiving physical pleasure and comfort to a spouse. This can include oral sex, manual or mechanical genital stimulation, skin stroking, aural stimulation, creating erotic fantasies together, speaking sexually to each other, it can even be just rubbing your spouse's feet. It's the kind of intimate connection you can only share with a spouse and no one else and all of these are sacred and the birthright of those who are married.
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