The Feminization of Love

 This is a summarized version of an article I wanted to share with you. Feel free to leave comments below.

"Are men less loving because they equate love with sex?...the fault lies not in men, but in women's definitions of "loving", which ignore masculine styles of showing affection.

Francesca Cancian (1990: 171) calls excluding men's ways of showing affection the "feminization of love." Because...men rarely get credit for the kinds of loving actions that are more typical of them. - Carol Tavris (1992:255)

...a man who is a good provider, who changes the oil in his wife's car, or who fixes his child's bike is showing just as much love as the wife who tells her husband she loves him and shares her innermost thoughts and feelings with him.

There are several negative consequences of the feminization of love:

1. It assumes that women need love more than men and are more dependent on men for emotional satisfaction.

2. Emphasizing only the expressive side of love ignores or diminishes the importance of women's instrumental activities - such as working to help provide financially for the family.

3. The feminization of love intensifies the conflicts over intimacy between men and women. As the wife demands more verbal contact, the husband feels increased pressure and withdraws.

The wife then intensifies her efforts to get closer. This leads to a vicious cycle where neither spouse gets what she or he wants.


As the definition of love becomes more feminized, men and women move father apart rather than closer together. - Tucker (1992)

One way to break this cycle is to give both men and women credit for the things they do to show their love for each other and for their families.

~ From "Do I love you? I changed your oil, didn't I", taken from Marriages and Families, Benokraitis (2005, 155)

CTC Night (At Home) -- Rainy Days and Date Nights

 We've been getting a lot of rain this year, but that doesn't have to ruin your date night as a married couple.

When was the last time you put on your rain hat and rubber boots to splash in the puddles like kids?

The next continue-the-courtship night it rains, you can take the opportunity to do just that as a couple.

Distract the children, and then go out back or front and splash around. Look for worms. Make some mud pies.  Tell each other stories of how you used to spend your rainy days as a child. Get as wet or muddy as you want.

You could also grab a large umbrella and be alone in the rain together.

When your finished, dry each other off, or take a hot bath or shower together.

Happy Dating!

CTC Night (At Home) -- Want Syrup on That?

Ready for another fun continue-the-courtship night? Well, who say's it has to be at night?

Rather than putting the kids to bed early, try getting up before they do. Sure, date night can be in the morning too! Make breakfast in bed and have breakfast together. It can be as complicated or as simple as you want.

Eggs, bacon, sausage, pancakes, danishes, orange juice, health shakes, juicing, bagels and smoked salmon, oatmeal, fruit salad, cold pizza, crepes, or just a bowl of cold cereal. The possibilities are endless.

Eat together in your jammies, sexy lingerie, or naked - whatever you want! You're married!

While you eat, you could play the romantic rendezvous game, or ask each other questions from the 365 questions for couples book, or read scriptures, or go through your gospel doctrine study guide together.

Happy Dating!

General Handbook Update: Pornography

The Church's Handbook of Instruction is now the "General Handbook" and was updated recently. The new version is pretty much the same as the 2015 Handbook 2 version, except this gives more resources and acknowledges "compulsion" vs "addiction". I wanted to take the opportunity to update this previous post and re-demonstrate a substitution I believe gives greater clarity. You be the judge:

Pornography (General Handbook version)

The Church condemns pornography in any form. Pornography use of any kind damages individual lives, families, and society. It also drives away the Spirit of the Lord. Church members should avoid all forms of pornographic material and oppose its production, dissemination, and use.

The Church provides the following resources to help people whose lives are affected by pornography:

• AddressingPornography.ChurchofJesusChrist.org

• AddictionRecovery.ChurchofJesusChrist.org

  • Helping Those Who Struggle with Pornography (booklet)

  • Let Virtue Garnish Thy Thoughts (booklet)

  Stake presidents and bishops also provide support to family members as needed.

  Church leaders should realize that use of pornography can be a compulsion or an addiction. In addition to the inspired help of these leaders, some members may need professional counseling. Leaders may contact Family Services for assistance. See 38.6.2.2 for contact information for Family Services.

   Personal counseling and informal membership restrictions are usually sufficient when helping a person repent of using pornography (see 32.8). Membership councils are not usually held. However, a council may be necessary for intensive and compulsive use of pornography that has caused significant harm to a member’s marriage or family (see 38.6.5). A council is required if a member makes, shares, possesses, or repeatedly views pornographic images of children (see 38.6.6).

Profane Erotica (with my term substitution)

The Church condemns profane erotica in any form. Profane Erotica use of any kind damages individual lives, families, and society. It also drives away the Spirit of the Lord. Church members should avoid all forms of Profane Erotic material and oppose its production, dissemination, and use.

The Church provides the following resources to help people whose lives are affected by profane erotica:

• AddressingPornography.ChurchofJesusChrist.org

• AddictionRecovery.ChurchofJesusChrist.org

  • Helping Those Who Struggle with Pornography (booklet)

  • Let Virtue Garnish Thy Thoughts (booklet)

  Stake presidents and bishops also provide support to family members as needed.

  Church leaders should realize that use of profane erotica can be a compulsion or an addiction. In addition to the inspired help of these leaders, some members may need professional counseling. Leaders may contact Family Services for assistance. See 38.6.2.2 for contact information for Family Services.

   Personal counseling and informal membership restrictions are usually sufficient when helping a person repent of using profane erotica (see 32.8). Membership councils are not usually held. However, a council may be necessary for intensive and compulsive use of profane erotica that has caused significant harm to a member’s marriage or family (see 38.6.5). A council is required if a member makes, shares, possesses, or repeatedly views profane erotic images of children (see 38.6.6).

For more information on why I prefer to use the term "profane erotica", go to this link: Latter-Day Saints Take Pleasure In Sacred Erotica