Reader Question: Sex Toys In The LDS Marriage - part 1 of 11

WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred sexual nature and is intended for married couples only. Reader discretion is advised.

Dear Coach Sam,

Would it be wrong to buy toys that could aid in sexual gratification? Or giving gratification by hand? Do you know the Church’s stance on sex toys?

- Sister Anonymous

Dear Sister Anon,

Thank you for your question.

So much of what we believe depends upon the perspectives and cultural systems we surround ourselves with. If we spend more time putting on the world’s perspectives, and less time with the Lord’s, our mind has no choice but to be dominated by the worldly perspective.

When we think of ‘sex’, ‘sex toys’, ‘sexual aids’, or anything sexual do we think of marriage?

I think most often, for people in LDS Church, the first thought is the youth, or singles and how even thinking about sex is going to affect them and their worthiness to reach the temple. Not a bad thing, but can be taken to Pharisaical levels.  For married couples, there’s the additional thought of ‘what is keeping within the guidelines of the law of chastity?’

From our youth, the topic of sexuality is so taboo, the thought of married people having sex is typically repressed. This is many times followed by the assumption that married couples don’t have sex – or if they do, it’s not good, or exciting, or much of anything at all. This line of thinking can play as "true" in the mind usually true because the media does not portray happy married couples having good sex.

The media morality plays generally portray the excitement, adventure and thrill of sex only occurring in adultery or fornication, or sex having no sacredness at all and being tossed around with the equivalent value of allowing a member of the opposite sex to hold your hand while walking in the park.

Fortunately, nothing could be further from the truth.

In terms of your question about sex toys, because we repress the idea of married sex or look at it as too sacred to talk about (which it is in a certain context), Lucifer, the world and media take advantage of this and portray the profane side of sex. Through cultural conditioning, we’re led to believe that sex toys are only used by and allowed to be enjoyed by those who rebelliously profane and defile sex. Sex toys are most often associated with solo masturbation or fornication (which is sexual activity exercised by unmarried people) in the average person’s mind.

The truth is, there is nothing I’ve ever found in Church doctrine, or in the law of chastity, that prohibits or even specifically mentions the use of sex toys in an LDS marriage.

In fact, I’m perfectly comfortable suggesting that sex toys belong within a loving and considerate marriage, and nowhere else. Sex toys can help strengthen the sexual relationship. They can even aid in the procreative process, and are an effective tool for foreplay.

Even with this understanding, reservations remain for many members. I’ve encountered many cultural beliefs that members carry with them that conflict with the teachings of the gospel. What I share below are some of the most common beliefs I’ve heard, or even beliefs I’ve carried myself.

[Look for part two next week]