Should a wife be offended if her husband notices
another woman is attractive?
To defeat an enemy, we have to understand and know the
enemy. Sometimes this may mean a husband knowing the enemy even better than he
knows himself. Moroni in the Book of Mormon, and Joshua in the Old Testament,
used spies to gain information about the movements of the enemy and plan a
strategy for success.[i]
I hope that I can be a spy for my readers in the battle of
good and evil in this regard; to help your marriages succeed eternally by
defeating the enemy of our souls and eternal marriages.
Yes, men notice women, even when the most faithful of men
are married . To understand why men do this, we have to take a closer look at the
differences between women’s and men’s genetic and biological make-up. In addition,
women are also not immune from their own procreative senses starting to tingle when a good genetic match passing by.
Women have a limited number of eggs for reproduction within
her lifetime.[ii]
In addition, through natural biological processes, she loses them rapidly. For
this reason, she is biologically and genetically inclined to be selective about who she chooses as a
mate. Her body wants to ensure her mate is a good genetic match that will ensure the survival of her children, as well as how they will look and his ability to protect the proverbial nest. She is also generally inclined to bond to and stay faithful to one man
her whole life. However, even this has its own set of rules that can create
exceptions to the rule. For example, cultural upbringing and exposure can also
make a woman override these feelings according to the norms of her particular
ethnic group. An ethnic group being the cultural, sub-cultural, religious, and educational norms a person grows up with and accepts as their identity, means of communicating and understanding of how the world works.
In contrast, men produce billions of sperm in their lifetime
and can father children until the day they die. According to Dr. Helen Fisher[iii],
ancestrally, men were never inclined to be monogamous. For this reason, men are
genetically and biologically inclined to reproduce with as many females as
possible. Just as cultural exposure and training can change how a woman
responds, a man can also learn to override these natural impulses and live a
monogamous life if he chooses.We are also capable of choosing to not enslave ourselves to our bodily impulses.
The prevalent cultural belief that, a man only loves one
woman his whole life and if he doesn’t, he never truly loved her…is romantic
nonsense.
It comes from media generated romantic idea that men share the same natural
inclinations as women. Stereotypically, this idea can be found in romance
novels. Many of these novels are written by women, who project their own female
perspectives to create their idea of the “perfect man”. This “perfect man” can
sometimes seem more like a woman in how he thinks and responds than does an
actual man. If a woman chooses to indulge in romance stories, it would benefit
her and her husband to understand that this literary dynamic exists, and be careful not to conflate actual men with fictional characters.
Men can also get caught in this problematic assumption, when
he thinks a woman shares the same sex drives and desires as he does. In most
cases, she does not, and popular stories or films designed to appeal to men can
exacerbate this perception by portraying women that respond to sexual stimuli
the same way he would, have the same sex drive he does, have the same focused
goal oriented drive he does, love is genital focused instead of relationship focused and she respond to a males advances in the way he
would wish.
I find female oriented romantic stories just as dangerous as profane erotic films
designed for men, because they both create a warped gendercentric
fantasy that has led to confusion and enmity between the sexes. Enmity
that doesn't need to exist if we take the time to understand that the
opposite sex operates, thinks and feels different and how to be a
helpmeet to each other.
Both of these fantasies only lead to frustration when
faced with a “real” person of the opposite sex and can create confusion when we witness them respond as they
are each biologically and spiritually designed to.
So what is the truth?
From the tips of our toes to the hair on our head, our
bodies are organic reproduction machines. Our sexuality and sexual drives are
not isolated to just our genitals. Our brain and all of our nerves and organs
work in unison to push us to find and select a mate, reproduce and when they connect, the body rewards the individual with powerful neurological and chemical incentives. Without these drives and reward systems, I don't believe men and women would have anything to do with each other.
This includes our eyes. When a man “sees” a woman, before he
can even consciously think about it, the image is sent immediately to the
limbic system in his brain.This is the part of our brain that controls our appetite for food as well as sex.
According to a study performed by Dr. Vladas Griskevicious,
when a man sees an attractive woman, it takes an average of 3.2 seconds for
that image to pass through the limbic system of the brain and be processed by
the higher decision-making part of the brain.[iv]
From there, he has to consciously decide each and every time
if he will or won’t follow through on the reproduction prompting given by his
limbic brain.
This means that he has to consciously choose to abandon the
thought of going after that woman and to stay faithful to his wife. This is a
constant struggle for most men their whole lives.
This is another reason we are stressed to stay away from
profane erotic videos and images. These are designed to appeal to the natural
inclinations of men to constantly find a new mate and spread his DNA (Fisher,
2009) Staying away from “profane” erotica helps him stay focused on his wife– his “sacred”
erotica.[v]
How should a wife best respond when she sees her
husband’s eyes wander?
Be honest with him if this hurts your feelings, but also
keep in mind that husbands are bombarded with many such thoughts every day, and men
tend to be more sensitive to sexual stimuli around them than women are, due to
their higher levels of testosterone.
Encourage him to talk about the temptations he’s
experiencing. It helps to mitigate the temptation, and make it easier to bear,
when spouses bear it together. It’s no secret that when we bring undesirable things
into the light, they lose their power.
Most of all, when you see him notice another woman, count
four seconds. This is how long his initial instincts take to get to the
executive or decision making part of his brain. When his decision-making part
of his brain kicks in, does he come back to you after that? If he does, acknowledge his making good decisions. Give him credit. Know in your heart that he still chooses you
every day.
What could be more romantic than that?
How can a husband respond when he finds himself with
wandering eyes and heart?
Don’t be too hard on yourself. Temptations enter our minds
all the time, but temptation should not be entertained for long.[vi] If your wife is able and willing, share what you’re
feeling and experiencing. Don’t try to hide it. Honesty will help her trust that you’re going to
stick around. She's your eternal companion. You're supposed to be helping each other keep your covenants so you both reach your eternal goals together and you each will come with unique challenges.
When you experience a temptation, go out of your way to show
some extra love to your wife. What is her love language? [vii]
If you know what her love language is, do something that makes her feel
particularly loved and cared for. If you don’t know, try them all until you find what fits.
Make sure you’re still dating each other every week, even
when you don’t feel like it, and work out a fair frequency of sex that works for both of you. Help her get aroused and if she prefers a longer frequency, and you prefer sex more often, if she gives you that gift, try to be sure each encounter leaves a pleasant memory so she keeps letting you come back. Building those memories will strengthen you both
against temptations. Being married is no guarantee against temptation by
itself. You must still woo and win your husband or wife, even after the ceremony, if you
want love to last.
Continuing to deliberately put energy into your marriage
(instead of dissipating your emotional energy with many strangers) will pay off
in great dividends, and can help temptations lessen somewhat over time as you develop these habits. Habits that will benefit you in the Celestial world.
“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it” Eph. 5:25
[i]
Joshua 2:1; Alma 43:28
[ii]
Warner, Jennifer (2004), Animal Study Shows
Mammals Have a Reserve of Egg-Producing Follicles. Reviewed
by Brunilda Nazario, MD, http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/news/20040310/women-not-born-lifetime-eggs
[iii]
Andreae, Simon, Younger, James, Winslow, Susan, The Science of sex Appeal
(2009), Production company The Incubator, Distributed by The Discovery Channel
(2008)
[iv]
Production Company: The Incubator; Distributor: The Discovery Channel, The
Science of Lust (2011)
[v]
Zaragoza, Samuel, Mormon’s Take Pleasure In
Sacred Erotica, Latter-Day Saints-take-pleasure-in-sacred-erotica.html
[vi] Maxwell, Neal A. (April 1987), Overcome, Even
As I Also Overcame.
[vii]
Chapman, Gary D., The Five Love Languages, Northfield Publishing; Reprint
edition (January 1, 2015)
