Dear Coach Sam – It was one
thing when the kids had a bedtime of 8 or 9 o’clock, and we could enjoy an hour
or two alone together whenever we wanted. But what happens when the kids are
teenagers, and they don’t go to bed until 11 o’clock or midnight? Sex is a
little harder to come by under those conditions.
On top of that, our bedrooms are
really close together, and we’re very sensitive about the children hearing us –
either the bed squeaking or other things – because they’ll know what’s going
on.
What do we do now? – Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
You’re right – things are
different for you now, and for your teens. Sexuality circumstances change over
time. God intended change to happen – it’s a good thing. Your children are
growing into their sexuality, just as you’re growing into yours. They are
looking to you as a loving couple to set the example of what to do when they
are married, and what sexual etiquette to follow with their young children and
teens someday.
It’s very appropriate to show
basic affection with each other (kissing, hugging, holding hands) while in the
presence of your teens. They may react as if it’s gross, but truthfully,
expressions of affection help children feel more secure and stable in their
home.[i] It also gives them something to look forward to in their
own future marriage relationships. Parents set the example for the children to
follow, for good or bad.
Like many young married couples,
you may have made some ‘indiscretions’ at this point – someone may have
overheard you in a passionate moment, and wondered aloud what was going on. It
happens to most people, and that’s okay. Inviting your children into these
moments is not acceptable, but neither is the accidental noise incident the end
of the world.
Anyone is welcome to share what
they have learned of course, but any reports I have read about a child being
traumatized by the sound of their parents engaging in sexual abandon was mostly
due to (as a child) not understanding what was happening or that those sounds
were normal.
What you didn’t explain in more
detail, and what I wish I knew about you, was how often and in what ways you
talk to your children about sex. Have you been discussing sexuality with them
since they were young, in age-appropriate ways? Or are they and you finding
yourself bumping up against realities they’re only guessing at?[ii]
My first advice is not to hide and pretend you never have sex, or worse
yet, avoid sexual encounters altogether. That often leads to results that
aren’t good for anyone – especially the health of your marriage and the future
marriages of your children.
We who are the parents are in
charge of the situation – we should address it candidly and in a
straightforward manner. We might want to bring it up with each child
individually in private meetings, or we may want to have a family council and
talk about it, depending on your own family dynamics.[iii] Anyway you handle it, be sure to relax and make it a
positive experience. Have the atmosphere be positive and fun, but also
reverent. Learning about sex and sexuality, the children should come away with
a positive association, not a with a feeling of fear, disgust, anxiety or
shame.
Since you are the parents, they
are the ones that should adjust, not you. Remember that someday the children
will leave, and you two will be left alone together all the time. Wouldn’t you
prefer to have a healthy relationship with each other instead of a starved one?
Wouldn’t you like to demonstrate a healthy and happy married relationship for
your children, instead of one that’s resentful and strained and they can’t know
why?
It’s vital you let your children know you love each other, and you are
going to be intimate as happily married people are from time to time. I
believe any child or teen would appreciate some sort of “heads up” to let them
know to be in another part of the house? To this day, how many would want to
hear their parents have sex? Yet, deep down, we can’t help but give a smile of
happiness and contentment knowing that Mom and Dad still like each other and
enjoy being intimate with each other. That their relationship is healthy enough
to give each other that special kind of comfort and pleasure that can only be
obtained in marriage.
Can the kids arrange to go out
with friends or go to the movies at a predetermined time. When you plan to have
sex as a couple, include them in the planning. Let them know that you Mama and
Papa need some sacred alone time at the schedule time and that the polite thing
to do is to make themselves scarce with your approved list of activities. Date night is a great time for them to get
out, while you stay in.
Can you turn on the television
to cover any noise, or play some music? Can you provide them with earplugs or noise
cancelling headphones in case they accidently hear something that makes them
uncomfortable? Are you in a position where you can buy a house that has more
space between the bedrooms, or can you adjust your current living conditions to
create such a situation? Get creative.
You may feel embarrassed to talk to them about these things, but I would
urge you to push through that. Nothing says you ever have to share the details
of your sacred sexual relationship and what you do is sacred and not for their
ears. Older teens and young adults are part of your household, for the time
being, and adjustments should be made. Children will be very eager to know when
your ‘sacred time’ is, so they can be elsewhere.
The essence of living together
in love means sensitivity to those who are single and trying to live the law of
chastity for single people, as well as making provisions for parents to be
comfortable while still living the law of chastity as a married couple. Think about
how you would wish to be treated, if you were a child in such a situation.
Discuss it with them and get their feedback. When everyone knows what’s going
on and knows what to do, there’s a lot less tension and uncertainty, fear or trauma.
Make sure you’re building your marriage relationship while also building your
relationship with your teens and young adults.
[ii] http://www.strengtheningmarriage.com/
(see the video entitled ‘Tips for Parents – Helping Young Adults Be Better
Prepared for Sex in Marriage’
[iii] For
more advice about family councils, see this talk from M. Russell Ballard in the
April 2016 Ensign: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2016/04/family-councils?lang=eng
Also, see my series of articles regarding teaching
children about sex: http://eternalmarriagebed.blogspot.com/2016/06/doctrine-or-myth-dont-talk-about-sexual.html
3 comments:
My parents would send us to grandma's house to help her clean (or, for my brothers, help my grandpa fix a car or other things around the house). Or they'd send my youngest sister to a friend's while the rest of us were at mutual.
Now that we're all either married with kids if our own or about to graduate high school, they go on staycations while someone watches the dog. (The dog's health is declining, so someone has to be able to let her outside every hour or more often).
We know why they're gone. We know why they sent us to grandma's. And truth be told, going to grandma's was the best because we got fresh baked cookies every time.
Thanks Anon July 28th,
Great tip! Thanks for sharing.
All our kids are teens and above now. We don't try to hide it or let them control our intimate life. We have a 'Do not Disturb' sign we hang on our bedroom doorknob and they know when it is there that they can either go further way, use headphones or put up with whatever they hear. Yes, they sometimes make a fuss about it being gross to know their parents are doing it, but that opens up a teaching moment to make sure they know that sex is a wonderful, normal, important part of marriage.
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