WARNING: This post contains a topic of a
sacred sexual nature and is intended for married couples only. Reader
discretion is advised.
Here again, I wanted to share with you some wonderful
information I found in my Human Sexuality textbook. I have edited it to be more
relevant to a married LDS audience, as well as adding some side comments of my
own in brackets in certain spots.
This quote from President Nelson seemed especially useful
for opening up today’s topic:
“President Russell M. Nelson said “Husbands and wives, learn to listen, and listen to learn from one another…Even with normal hearing, some couples seem not to listen to one another. Taking time to talk is essential to keep lines of communication intact. If marriage is a prime relationship in life, it deserves prime time! Yet less important appointments are often given priority, leaving only leftover moments for listening to precious partners.Keeping the garden of marriage well cultivated and free from weeds of neglect requires the time and commitment of love. It is not only a pleasant privilege, it is a scriptural requirement with promise of eternal glory.Wise partners listen to learn from one another.”[i]
And now, the textbook information:
“Barriers
The most common barriers to successful communication are bypassing, frame of reference, and lack
of language and listening skills (Guffey, 1999)
Bypassing: We all
attach meanings to words, but individuals may attach different meanings…so it
is important to understand what meaning your [spouse] attaches to a word.
Frame of Reference:
…is your unique set of experiences. Your sociocultural upbringing strongly
influences your style of communication.
Lack of Language
Skills: In a new situation, you may not be prepared to communicate
effectively. For example, one [spouse] may [have anxiety about the] situation
and not know how to communicate effectively that the other’s sexual
[experiment] is unwelcome.
Lack of Listening
Skills: We often listen selectively and interpret messages to our
advantage. For example, a husband may interpret a wife’s declining of a sexual
advance to mean “come on and convince me” and failed to listen to her tone of
voice or look for other non-verbal cues.
[To this we’ll also add - medications that affect the mind
can also create a powerful barrier to communication.]
In 1997 Scheidlower indicated that communication
difficulties between the sexes are related to a lack of vocabulary. Men and
women are unable to reach a mutual understanding of certain concepts because
they cannot describe them to each other… his point is that if we want to have
high-quality relationships, we have to make an effort.
Gender Roles
Gender roles can strongly shape our communication patterns.
Because men have traditionally focused on their place in the hierarchy, they tend
to be good at public speaking.
Women, who have traditionally focused on nurturing
relationships, tend to be better at speaking in private.
On the emotional level, women tend to be good at verbalizing
thoughts and feelings in close relationships. Men, in contrast, tend to be good
at dismissing their feelings or keeping them to themselves.
For men, expressing feelings does not help determine their
status or help them compete in the outside world. It can be helpful to be aware
of the context and the power of gender roles to influence what we hear, what we
say, and what is the purpose of our communication (Worden & Worden, 1998)
Listen to this couple in their mid to late 20’s, married 9
years:
Wife: I
don’t understand him. He’s ready to go anytime. It’s always been a big problem
with us right from the beginning. If we’ve hardly talked to each other, I can’t
just jump into bed. If we have a fight, I can’t just turn it off. He has a hard
time understanding that. I feel like that’s all he wants sometimes. I have to
know I’m needed and wanted for more than just jumping into bed.
Husband:
She complains that all I want from her is sex, and I try to make her understand
that it’s an expression of love. I’ll want to make up with her by making love,
but she’s as cold as the inside of the fridge. I get mad when that happens. Why
shouldn’t I? Here I’m trying to make up and make love, and she’s holding out
for something – I don’t know what.
Wife: He
keeps saying that he wants to make love, but it just doesn’t feel like love to
me. Sometimes I feel bad that I feel that way, but I just can’t help it.
Husband: I
don’t understand. She says it doesn’t feel like love. What does that mean,
anyway? What does she think love is?
Wife: I
want him to talk to me, to tell me what he’s thinking. If we have a fight, I
want to talk about it so we could maybe understand it. I don’t want to jump in
bed and just pretend it didn’t happen.
Husband:
Talk! Talk! What’s there to talk about? I want to make love to her and she says
she wants to talk. How’s talking going to convince her I’m loving her?
In sexual behavior, as in other matters, the barriers to
effective communication are high and the language people use only further
confuses and mystifies them. He says he wants to make love, but she says, “It
doesn’t feel like love.” Neither quite knows what the other is talking about;
both feel vaguely guilty and uncomfortable, aware only that somehow they’re not
connecting. He believes that he has already given her a profound declaration of
love. He married her and they share a home.
Yet she says, “Just once, I’d like him to love me without it
ending up in sex. But when I tell him that, he thinks I’m crazy.”
For him, perhaps, it does seem crazy. Sexual activity may be
the one way in which he can allow himself the expression of deep feeling. His
wife, however, finds it difficult to be comfortable with her feelings in the
same area.
She keeps asking for something that she can understand and
that she is comfortable with – a demonstration of his feelings in nonsexual
ways. He keeps giving her the one thing he can understand and is comfortable
with – his feelings wrapped up in a blanket of sex.
Thus, some husbands and wives find themselves in an
impossibly difficult bind, one that stems from the cultural context in which
girls and boys grow to adulthood.
We are suggesting that the man’s ever-present sexual
readiness is not simply an expression of urgent sexual need but is also a
complex response to a socialization process that restricts the development of
the emotional side of his personality. Conversely, the woman’s insistent plea
for a nonsexual emotional statement is a response to a process that encourages
the development of the emotional side of her personality.
Sexual Language
When discussing sexual topics, people often find that the
words themselves prevent rational, thoughtful, comfortable interactions. Some
words evoke such strong emotions – embarrassment, guilt, shame, or anger – that
they interfere with thoughtful discourse.
For example, it may be that the term used influences what a
[spouse] hears: “Penis”, “Dick”, and “Cock” may all have different connotations
for different people. Calling a vagina a “vagina” may sound very clinical to
one person, whereas calling it a “pussy” or a “cunt” may sound sexy, offensive,
or just fine to someone else. The sexual
language used can promote communication and relationships, or it can inhibit
them.
[In an LDS marriage
context, these can be sacred endearment terms that would be kept sacred by only
using in the sexually intimate activity between a husband and wife. They become
defiled or profane by allowing them to be used in everyday conversations. What
term would be appropriate or comfortable to use between a husband and wife
would be an issue to consult with each other and the Holy Ghost. So it’s
important to overcome any inhibitions around talking about sexual things with
your spouse. This is the right and righteous place to have these conversations.]
In addition to being comfortable with language related to
sexuality, it is also important to be sure we are talking about the same thing
when we use sexual terms. For example, what does “having sex” mean?
Does “having sex” include only penile-vaginal intercourse?
Does anal sexual activity count? How about oral sexual activity? Mutual
masturbation? Does intense petting…body contact or talking fit into your
spouse’s definition of “sex”?
…to be sure we are communicating clearly we have to be sure
we have the same definitions for the terms we are using.
Techniques for
improving Sexual Communication
There are no magical methods for attaining free, open, and
comfortable communication about sexual topics, but we do have some suggestions…to
improve the overall atmosphere for communications…it is important to realize
that one does not know everything. This leads to asking good questions.
Also, it helps to ask the right questions. For example, “Is
this what you like?” can be a great questions that also shows concern about the
other person. Being open-minded and
nonjudgmental is helpful as well. Maintaining care and trust also leads to
better communication.
One [spouse] is much more likely to open up to another if
there is confidence that the information will not be shared with others.
Planning
One common barrier to good sexual communication is the
complete avoidance of the subject by both [spouses].
We suggest that [spouses] set aside time to discuss
sexuality as they would any other topic of mutual interest and of significance
to their relationship. In setting up time for such discussions, it is wise to
make the following plans.
1.
Make sure
you have plenty of time for your
discussion. [Schedule a time. When married, nothing is spontaneous anymore.
Time must be planned for everything, including sex.]
2.
Do not allow
others [including children] to interrupt your discussion by calling you or
by barging in on you.
3.
Accept all
feelings and the right to express feelings verbally. For example, it is just as
appropriate to say, “I feel angry when…” as it is to say, “I feel terrific
when…”
4.
Take a risk
– describe your thoughts and needs. Do not expect your [spouse] to guess what
they are.
5.
Approach the
discussion with both people understanding that the goal is to
improve your relationship rather than to see who can shock whom.
6.
Expect changes
but not miracles. Sexual communication requires continued dialogue. Seek
additional help (if needed) who can contribute to your ability to communicate
sexually.
Working to improve your sexual communication will help you
and your [spouse] develop a deeper trust, a greater sense of intimacy, and a
feeling of adventure about your relationship.
Being Assertive in
Your Sexual Communication
So, what do you do if you start to feel like your spouse is
the only one getting their intimacy and affection tank filled, but you’re left
in the cold. How do you express that to your spouse without feeling like you’re
offending them?
Bower and Bower (1976) organized an assertive verbal response,
which they called DESC.
1.
Describing the
other person’s behavior or the situation as objectively as possible (as in sentences
taking the form “When you…”)
2.
Expressing
your feelings about the other person’s behavior or the situation that you just described
(as in statements beginning with “I feel…)
3.
Specifying
changes you would like to see made (“I would like…” or “My preference is…”)
4.
Choosing the
consequences, you are prepared to accept (a) if the situation changes to your
satisfaction and (b) if it does not (“If you…, I will…” or “If you don’t…, I
will…”)
…let’s look at an example of sexual communication using
DESC: “When you expect me to become sexually aroused in two minutes of foreplay
(Describe), I feel as though I’m being used (Express). I would like us to spend
more time touching, kissing, [talking] and hugging (Specify). If you agree to
devote more time to foreplay, I will relax and pay special attention to your sexual
needs. If you don’t agree to devote more time to foreplay., I won’t have
intercourse with you (Choose).
We are in control of ourselves alone; we have no right to
tell others how to behave; we need not tolerate the other person’s behavior
when it is contrary to our own desires. The basis of assertive behavior is the
combination of self-respect with respect for others. [Setting boundaries with
our spouse is appropriate behavior for LDS couples or any couple, and necessary
in order to enjoy and grow within the relationship.]
Seeking Information
When you are about to interpret your spouse’s verbal and
non-verbal communication, be sure you are not doing the following, but also pay
attention to the characteristics of what makes good listeners:
·
Mind reader:
You hear little or nothing as you think, “What is this person really thinking
or feeling. Instead, listen with the “third ear”, seeking to understand those
thoughts that are not expressed.
·
Rehearser:
[Avoid] mental tryouts for “Here’s what I’ll say next” tune out the speaker. Good
listeners demonstrate that they are mentally engaged in what the speaker is
saying by making brief comments from time to time and asking focused questions
- patiently waiting for the answer
before providing one.
·
Filterer:
Some call this selective listening – hearing only what you want to hear.
·
Dreamer:
Drifting off during a face-to-face conversation can lead to an embarrassing
“What did you say?” or “Could you repeat that?”
·
Identifier:
If you refer everything you hear to your experience, you probably did not hear
what was said.
·
Comparer:
When you get side-tracked assessing the messenger, you are sure to miss the
message.
·
Derailer:
Changing the subject too quickly tells others you are not interested in
anything they have to say.
·
Sparrer:
You hear what is said but quickly belittle it or discount it. That puts you in
the same class as a the derailer.
…try to understand, rather than first being understood…try
to see the topic of conversation from the other speaker’s standpoint first. Good
listeners push back the urge to express personal opinions until they are asked
or until the time is appropriate.
[Spouses who are] good listeners have to be trusted. They
never repeat confidences and personal problems without the consent of the party
involved.
Also keep in mind that the most visible characteristic of a
good listener is body language – nodding encouragingly, perhaps leaning into
the conversation, not glancing around the room or looking for something.
A few tips to avoid
pitfalls
·
Choose
the physical environment. Find a quiet, nonthreatening place to talk if you
want to ensure true understanding.
·
Cut the
interruptions. It can be difficult to communicate if the phone rings or if the
person pops in at the door.
·
Recognize
differences. People communicate best in different ways. Some of us are
primarily auditory, whereas others are visual or “hands-on” [physically show
me].
·
Persist.
Refuse to believe that you cannot understand another person’s message.
Resolving Conflict
In [marriage] – even the best of relationships – conflicts
arise. Too often poor communication skills (such as improper listening), a
combative or offensive stance geared toward winning rather than communicating,
an inability to acknowledge another’s point, or a refusal to consider
alternative solutions interferes with the healthy resolution of these
conflicts. …continuation of this…potentially leaves the relationship bankrupt.
To reiterate, the steps in…conflict resolution …are as
follows:
1.
Active
listening: Reflecting to the other person his or her own words and
feelings.
2.
Identifying your
position: Stating your own thoughts and feelings about the situation, and
explaining why you feel this way.
3.
Proposing and
exploring alternative solutions: First brainstorming and then evaluating
the possibilities.
Although you may feel awkward using this technique
initially, and your conversation may seem stilted, with practice it will become
a part of your style and will be very effective…do not give up on it.
A similar way to resolve conflict [are these steps from
“Resolve conflict in four steps, 1995].
·
Identify
the interests of each person: Ask [each other] “What do you want?” Then
listen carefully to the answers.
·
Identify
higher levels of interest: [Ask] “What does having that do for you?” It is
important to understand what each of us really wants.
·
Create an
agreement frame: [Ask] “If I could show you how to get X, would you do Y?”
“X” is the person’s real interest, and “Y” is what you want from the person.
·
Brainstorm
for solutions: Do not just give a solution and expect the other person to
accept it. …solutions must satisfy the interests of [both spouses].
Giving and Receiving
Criticism
[When I was a student working on my first degree in
professional cooking and baking, we learned what a powerful tool giving and
receiving a critique could be. Most importantly, we learned how to give and
receive a critique.
When we would make a dish to have the other students sample,
they were not allowed to say “this is yucky” or “you can do better than this.”
They had to either offer specifics or keep their comments to themselves. “This
could use a little more salt” or “a cup more stock would give it the right
viscosity for my taste.”
We learned to love getting this kind of feedback, because it
helped us become the very best possible chefs we could become.
Likewise, if husbands and wives learn how to give and
receive constructive criticism, they can help each other become the very best
lovers they can be – for each other.]
Imagine a “sex critic” planned to evaluate your sexual
functioning as a movie critic critiques movies! All of us would probably feel
threatened, and because of that, our abilities to function normally would most
likely be compromised.
…in a very real sense, our [spouses] are our sex critics.
They evaluate what we do in terms of how pleasing it is for both them and us.
It would be nice if we could receive our “sex critique”
without feeling threatened by it, without feeling that it denigrated our
self-esteem. It would also be nice if we were open enough both to give and to
receive feedback about our sexual functioning in a way that enhanced our sexual
lives and those of our [spouse].
[ To give and receive criticism in a constructive manner,
here are a few tips:]
·
Find a
private, relaxing place: To discuss thoughts and feelings about your sexual
relationship.
·
Devote
sufficient time: To such a discussion. It would be unfortunate to start a
sensitive discussion just at the moment one of you had to run out the door.
·
Limit
distractions: So that your attention is focused on the conversation. Rather than wondering who might overhear you or who might inadvertently burst into
your bedroom, find a quiet, private place for your discussion.
·
It is
probably not wise to do these things just before or just after a sexual
encounter: Plan a relaxed time for this discussion.
When giving criticism, try to remember:
·
Begin
your comments on a positive note: “You know when you kiss me I really feel
great.” Then move to the behavior you would like to change. “I enjoy your
touches so much that it would be terrific if you could…
·
Be
specific regarding the change you are recommending: Rather than announcing,
“You don’t hold me enough, “, suggest, “When we watch television, I’d really
like it if you would put your arm around me.”
·
Be aware
of the limitations of your [spouse]: To critique something that cannot or
will not be changed may harm the relationship. If your [spouse] is slow to
arouse, asking him or her to speed up is unrealistic and, we might add, unfair.
It is criticism given for no useful purpose.
When receiving
criticism, try to remember to:
·
Separate
your [spouse’s suggestions and recommendations from your self-worth: You are no less of a person because you
might need to adjust some of your sexual behavior. In fact, if you were not
open to suggestion, then you might suspect you have a problem.
·
Assume a
nondefensive attitude: Rather than attempting to justify your present
actions, ask questions to understand the criticism better. Then if you
disagree, you will know why you disagree.
·
If the criticism
is too general ask for specific suggestions: In addition, inquire as to how
your [spouse] can help make this change more likely to occur. Ask your [spouse]
to participate in remedying the situation or action being criticized.
·
Whether
or not you agree with the criticism, thank your [spouse] for being honest
enough to express their concern to you: Acknowledge that it is not easy to
discuss such matters and that you appreciate the opportunity to consider
something you have been doing or not been doing that is causing a problem.
Encourage future suggestions that have the potential to improve your
relationship.
When trying to
communicate effectively, it can be helpful to have some ground rules:
·
Check in
and check out: At the beginning of the conversation, spend a minute talking
about your day and how you are feeling so you know what each person is bringing
into the conversation. It can also help to take a minute at the end of the
conversation to say how it went.
·
Define
safety for yourselves and each other: Discuss what is needed to feel safe
so [spouses] can talk honestly and openly.
·
Listen
without interrupting
·
Respect
differences in interests and desires: If one [spouse] exposes personal
information, the other [spouse] should consider that a compliment, even if the
desire is not something he or she is interested in doing.
·
Bring a
sense of goodwill to the conversation: Neither [spouse] should be trying to
intentionally hurt the other or be mean to the other.
·
Anyone
can call a time-out at any time: To have a conversation where all parties
feel safe expressing themselves, [spouses] need to feel they can stop the
conversation at any time. This doesn’t mean that one [spouse] should storm out
in the middle of a sentence, but rather that either [spouse] can ask for a
time-out to end the conversation at that time with the agreement to pick it up
at a later point.
Final Thoughts on
Sexual Communication
…to be effective, communication must be
truthful…Communication difficulties may even increase the level of risk –
especially for females. Rickert and associates (2002) reported that about 20%
of women believe they never have the right to stop foreplay, including at the
point of intercourse…make their own decisions about contraceptive…ask their
[fiancée or spouse] whether he has been examined for STIs; or tell their
[spouse] that they want to make love differently or that he is being too rough.
These findings show that some …women may be unable to
communicate their sexual beliefs and desires clearly and are therefore at risk
for undesired outcomes.
In addition, Haffner and Schwartz (1998) reported what
several leading sexologists had to say about communication in regards to
sexuality. Here is some of what they had to say:
·
It is hard to be honest about past sexual
experiences with a new [spouse].
·
Nonverbal communication often works better that
words in bed.
·
Talking during sexual activity – sharing
fantasies, using [sexually intimate] words – can be very sexy.
·
Couples who have nothing to say to each other in
restaurants are usually married – and [their relationship] may be in trouble.
·
Open, honest communication is the most important
foundation for a relationship.
·
You cannot underestimate the value of humor.
·
After humor, consideration is the second most
important ingredient in a sexual relationship. Most people appreciate a
sensitive and thoughtful [spouse].
·
Most people are not comfortable talking about
sexual issues.
·
[Mutual agreement on a sexual activity] requires
communication.
·
It is better to talk about sexual feelings,
desires and boundaries in [marriage].
·
Talking about scenes in movies or books can
sometimes be a good way to communicate what you like in sexual behavior…[or
what you or your spouse don’t like or find to not be realistic in how one
gender feels is a natural behavior or what sex act would realistically be a
pleasant experience].
For example, the romance book or movie may
portray a man who know just the right words a woman wants to hear, but in
reality creates the expectation that men think like a woman and know how to
read women’s minds.
Likewise, husband may have once seen a sex
act where the woman was portrayed as enjoying herself, but in reality, to
perform the same act on his wife, she may find it distasteful, uncomfortable,
or gets no pleasure from it at all.
This doesn’t mean she doesn’t like sex, it
may be that this is not how or where she wants to be stimulated – physically or
emotionally.][ii]”
Hope you found these tips helpful and you are welcome to
come back and read these articles as many times as you wish.
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