How To Determine If Your Fantasies Could Cause A Problem

Below is an excerpt from Exploring the Dimensions of Human Sexuality (2015,509) that I thought might be useful. It has been altered to be more useful to married members of the Church of Jesus Christ.

"Fantasies are safe as long as they do not become obsessive. If they do, therapy may be [advised.]

Apfelbaum (1980) believes fantasizing during sex with [your spouse] can decrease the degree of trust and intimacy in the relationship. Others have taken a similar point of view (Hollender, 1970; Shainess & Greenwald, 1971).

Maltz and Boss (2001) provide a list of nine questions to ask to determine whether, and to what extent, a sexual fantasy may be causing problems:

• Does the fantasy lead to risky or dangerous behavior?
•  Does the fantasy feel out of control or compulsive?
• Is the content of the fantasy disturbing or repulsive?
• Does the fantasy hinder recovery or personal growth?
• Does the fantasy lower my self-esteem or block self-acceptance?
• Does the fantasy distance me from my [spouse physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually?]
• Does the fantasy harm my [spouse] or anyone else?
• Does the fantasy cause sexual problems?
• Does the fantasy belong to someone else?  

The predominant view is that sexual fantasizing can enhance [married] sexual relationships as long as it does not become obsessive and as long as there is no compulsion to act out the fantasy. Some fantasies may be acted out with the consent of the [spouse], but if one [spouse] feels uncomfortable, problems may arise."

Above all else, let the Holy Spirit guide and relax. If the fantasy is helping you to get out of your head and into your body and helping you enjoy the experience and to be closer physically, emotionally and even spiritually with your spouse, then you're doing fine.