Hey Brothers and Sisters,
If you find what you are reading here helpful and would like to read more, be sure to check out my daily postings on Facebook.
It will give you some helpful tips for your marriage (including date night ideas, video clips and when I post my latest article) while you are waiting for me to finish researching and writing my next article.
Come see me at The LDS Marriage Bed
marriage bed symbol
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Sexual Dysfunction?
If your spouse has a lower sex drive than you, that doesn't necessarily mean that there is something wrong with them. You may just have a higher sex drive than they do and this is not uncommon or abnormal according to Dr. David Schnarch (author of Passionate Marriage)
If you are the one with the lower sex drive and it troubles you, you may want to take the following into consideration.
This slideshow from MedicineNet.com shows some possible causes of low libido or lack of interest in sex. Most female or male sexual dysfunction can be easily remedied as this slideshow will demonstrate.
Sex Drive Killers - By MedicineNet.Com
If you are the one with the lower sex drive and it troubles you, you may want to take the following into consideration.
This slideshow from MedicineNet.com shows some possible causes of low libido or lack of interest in sex. Most female or male sexual dysfunction can be easily remedied as this slideshow will demonstrate.
Sex Drive Killers - By MedicineNet.Com
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Isn’t It Romantic…?
WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred sexual nature and is intended for married couples only. The information contained is sexually graphic in nature. Reader discretion is advised.
“For the time shall come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but after their own lusts shall they heap to themselves teachers, having itching ears; and they shall turn away their ears from the truth, and shall be turned unto fables…” – 2 Timothy 4:3-4
I took my wife to a movie this weekend. It wasn’t a movie I would have chosen, but she wanted to see it, and I enjoy making her happy, so I took her.
It was a “chick flick” – a film primarily geared for women. Men may look at such films and roll their eyes and groan, and imagine explosions and death and mayhem where there is none, just to make it more tolerable for them to be there.
It was more than tolerable for me, in the sense that I love to study human behavior and wonder, “Why do they do that?” or “Why did the writer write that character that way?”
What I noticed about this particular film (as well as the many others I’ve had to watch in the name of bringing happiness to my wife) was that the heroine of the film was nurtured every second. She was cocooned in the love and concern of those around her. The attentive hero looked to her every need. He protected her from every perceived slight and possible danger, even as she insisted that she didn't really need such protection.
Films that men enjoy are very different than women’s films. In a “guy” film, there are jobs to be done, things to fix, a journey to take, challenges to overcome, lives to be saved, respect of peers to be earned and a woman’s heart to win. The women adore the hero, and tend to express that adoration with their bodies as well as their words and looks of desire and trust.
At the extreme end of the spectrum is profane erotica, which is often designed specifically to shock the viewer (I've heard pornographers admit this openly) and stoke the primal sexual desires in men, with women who enthusiastically throw themselves into sex with a man as though they have the same desire, drive and physical experience as a man, often acting in ways that real women would never do…just as the romantic heroes in the chick flicks may behave, think and act in ways a man in real life might not.
Why do the men in "chick" films not act like men in reality? Or vice versa the women in "guy" films? Where is the fulfillment that both sexes find in these stories?
I suggest that it stems, in large part, from each gender’s specific definition of intimacy.
His n’ Her Intimacy
Intimacy, in a woman’s mind, is not necessarily synonymous with sex. A woman who has been awakened to sex may admit that it feels good, that they like it, that they even desire it, but it is not often the central heart of what they crave.
Women crave intimacy, which to them means they want to be known for who they really are as a person. They want acknowledgement for the sacrifices that they make, large and small. They want to feel safe and protected with the person they love.
They want to feel like they have a unique worth or value over any other woman. This is usually what they mean when they say “I want to feel special.” For most women, the development of relationship takes precedent to intercourse, and physical contact is the next level of relationship development and connection.
Ever wonder why women cling so closely to the gospel, sometimes more so than men? They crave that relationship with their Heavenly Father. For them, he is the ultimate protector…who sees into their very souls and loves them unconditionally, and is quick to forgive despite what they perceive as their faults. He sees something special in them as His daughter…and He watches out for their every need.
For them, when it feels like the rest of the world wants to slight or destroy them, they look to him to protect and comfort them. I hear this over and over again when women talk about why their relationship with God is important to them. I see this being a very basic and primal need for women; to feel that level of “protected”, emotionally cared for and "adored". A fictional example of this would be the story of Pride and Prejudice, when Mr. Darcy (a greater power who gives selflessly of himself to protect) swoops in to protect his sister’s honor and Elizabeth’s family’s honor because he loves them.
We as men usually don’t understand this, because we don’t feel that same level of need. In fact, it’s somewhat the opposite.
We feel a primal need to be the provider, the protector and defender. We feel a primal need for women to desire us as we desire them and be turned on when we fix things for them or display our male prowess. Stories such as the James Bond films are classic examples of this desire to be clever and strong, and to protect and defend the innocent.
Men find it 'romantic' when the girl swoons and falls in the hero's arms because of his masculinity, strength, skill and cleverness and wants sex with him based on these attributes alone.The desire to get the sex motivates us consciously and subconsciously to follow this model and example in order to get the sex.
We feel a primal need to be the provider, the protector and defender. We feel a primal need for women to desire us as we desire them and be turned on when we fix things for them or display our male prowess. Stories such as the James Bond films are classic examples of this desire to be clever and strong, and to protect and defend the innocent.
Men find it 'romantic' when the girl swoons and falls in the hero's arms because of his masculinity, strength, skill and cleverness and wants sex with him based on these attributes alone.The desire to get the sex motivates us consciously and subconsciously to follow this model and example in order to get the sex.
Men’s relationship with God is reflected in this: We seek favor with God so he will help us better provide, defend and protect our wife and family. Even our priesthood is there to teach us how to best portray this role of provider and protector in the way God would do it.
Neither the man without the woman, nor the woman without the man, in the Lord
Neither paradigm of romance or values is wrong or a perversion of the other. They are just different and (while not all gender roles are etched in stone) historically male/female roles have reflected the roles (biologically, spiritually and otherwise) each are best designed to most efficiently fill.
If we want to attract or arouse our spouse, each sex needs to understand and respect this subcultural difference.
Attracting a Wife
We as men will find ourselves frustrated if we attempt to turn on our wife by behaving in ways or displaying things to women that arouse us as men. It's very unlikely to work.
Instead, a man who will find small and large ways to protect his wife appropriately, (not by assuming she is inherently weak, but by not allowing her to exhaust herself), who will encourage her to express herself and give her the wings to fly without criticism, and who expresses his gratitude for her sacrifices (especially in the bedroom, where those sacrifices can sometimes be difficult for her) will arouse a sense of gratitude and romance in his wife.
Instead, a man who will find small and large ways to protect his wife appropriately, (not by assuming she is inherently weak, but by not allowing her to exhaust herself), who will encourage her to express herself and give her the wings to fly without criticism, and who expresses his gratitude for her sacrifices (especially in the bedroom, where those sacrifices can sometimes be difficult for her) will arouse a sense of gratitude and romance in his wife.
A man who takes on this role in a woman’s life has the potential of becoming the extension of Heavenly Father in the life of his wife. While we don’t consider our relationship with God to be in any way sexual, that sense of feeling safe and protected in every sense allows her to relax and open herself up sexually.
It is a great responsibility and stewardship for every husband to be that extension of who she sees as the Great Protector, even our Heavenly Father.When I say "protector" I don't just mean physically, but emotionally, mentally, sexually and spiritually as well.
On a woman's side, expecting her husband to “just know” what she wants can lead to frustration as well in both men and women. She needs to tell him, and probably two or three times. This is not selfishness. It is not selfish to let someone know what you want or need. It is selfish for a wife to keep this to yourself and allow your frustrations to build. He wants to romance and protect her and show her appreciation. He just may not know how or that she even wants it, because what she needs to feel intimate is not a basic primal need or instinct in him, and he may not have been raised with those skills.
It is a great responsibility and stewardship for every husband to be that extension of who she sees as the Great Protector, even our Heavenly Father.When I say "protector" I don't just mean physically, but emotionally, mentally, sexually and spiritually as well.
On a woman's side, expecting her husband to “just know” what she wants can lead to frustration as well in both men and women. She needs to tell him, and probably two or three times. This is not selfishness. It is not selfish to let someone know what you want or need. It is selfish for a wife to keep this to yourself and allow your frustrations to build. He wants to romance and protect her and show her appreciation. He just may not know how or that she even wants it, because what she needs to feel intimate is not a basic primal need or instinct in him, and he may not have been raised with those skills.
Attracting a Husband
Likewise, a wife will find it difficult to influence a man to be a protector and appreciator by behaving in ways and displaying things that she finds attractive and romantic. He doesn't tend to be wired that way.
A man wants to do things himself. He doesn’t want to be protected. He wants his manhood to be acknowledged and appreciated and seen as competent, appreciated and virile. Above all, he wants sex. A man of God will desire to be in favor with God, but he will also want sex. A woman needs that understanding that, because God gave him that drive, the male sex drive is not inherently wrong or evil.
Likewise, a wife will find it difficult to influence a man to be a protector and appreciator by behaving in ways and displaying things that she finds attractive and romantic. He doesn't tend to be wired that way.
A man wants to do things himself. He doesn’t want to be protected. He wants his manhood to be acknowledged and appreciated and seen as competent, appreciated and virile. Above all, he wants sex. A man of God will desire to be in favor with God, but he will also want sex. A woman needs that understanding that, because God gave him that drive, the male sex drive is not inherently wrong or evil.
Women who consider men ‘sick’ or ‘twisted’ or ‘perverted’ because they like sex misunderstand what is ‘romantic’ to men. Men are not women with a penis. It would be gynocentric (a belief that the way women think, feel, behave,etc...is superior to all others) to believe so.
Sex is romance and love to a man. It is intimacy. It is air and life. A man who isn’t getting it even once in a while is probably having a hard time fully connecting to that feeling of love for his wife, no matter what other charitable acts she may do for him or how much care she puts into her children, home and community.
He does all that he does for her to gain the deep, intimate sex he craves. If he puts all that effort into the relationship, and does not get "his" sex, resentment and emotional starvation is very likely to set in.
Sex is romance and love to a man. It is intimacy. It is air and life. A man who isn’t getting it even once in a while is probably having a hard time fully connecting to that feeling of love for his wife, no matter what other charitable acts she may do for him or how much care she puts into her children, home and community.
He does all that he does for her to gain the deep, intimate sex he craves. If he puts all that effort into the relationship, and does not get "his" sex, resentment and emotional starvation is very likely to set in.
“Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.” – The Family: A Proclamation to the World
Women may never fully comprehend just how important the sexual aspect of life is to a man, because it often just isn’t as central and spontaneous a drive for the woman. Her sex drive and her sexual cycle are not the same. Not wrong…just different. Women are likewise not men with breasts and vaginas, no matter how much a man may desire that, or however much it may be portrayed that way in TV or movies. It would be androcentric (a belief that men's way of thinking is superior) to believe so.
While the wife can’t and shouldn’t take the blame for the moral choices of her husband, the wife should also know and appreciate what a powerful tool she holds in her care – the sexual relationship – and how much good it can do in the lives of her family unit.
Because she is often the spouse with the lower or the"cultivated" sex drive, she is the one who holds control of the sexual relationship. Likewise, if the husband is the lower or "cultivated" desire spouse, he holds control of her "sex". The way the cultivated-drive spouse is mindful of and tends to this control will greatly affect the strength and vitality of the marriage.
Because she is often the spouse with the lower or the"cultivated" sex drive, she is the one who holds control of the sexual relationship. Likewise, if the husband is the lower or "cultivated" desire spouse, he holds control of her "sex". The way the cultivated-drive spouse is mindful of and tends to this control will greatly affect the strength and vitality of the marriage.
A wife who will allow herself to rely on her husband for help (even when she may not need it), or who will appreciate the sacrifices he makes for her (a man who will help lift a woman’s physical burdens and listen without trying to 'fix the problem' is making a sacrifice), and who will take the time to learn about and develop her sexuality with him - will bring about a sense of deep love and appreciation from her husband.
We are different, but we can learn to understand and respect each other’s differences and values. Sacrifice for each other does bring forth the blessings of heaven by creating a relationship that both husband and wife want to keep for eternity. Taking the time to understand the man or woman you are married to, and giving them love the way they feel love, can bring down heaven’s choicest blessings and eternal unity.
Monday, October 17, 2011
The Four Marriage Killers - Selfishness
The discussion on these last few blogs has been interesting to watch,
especially the discussion concerning the justification of masturbation in a
sexless marriage. The link to some of that discussion is here:
Also, the previous ‘marriage killers’ articles can be found here: Part 1, Silence, Secrets, Separation
Whether or not this reader who is the subject of the discussion should leave his wife, I couldn’t say for sure. We do not have her side of the story, and my reply to him was based upon his side of the story.
There may be others who wondered why I didn’t suggest he leave her.
In large part, my main reason is the purpose of my blog today – the final of the four marriage killers: selfishness.
The Root of Most Marital Problems = Selfishness
President Spencer W. Kimball spoke at length of the marital bane that is selfishness. He said:
“In the process of learning what is right for you at any particular time, I have always found it helpful to use a basic measuring stick: Is it selfish? I have concluded that most of our sins are really sins of selfishness…”[1]
Marriage is, at its core, a growth process. The act of getting sealed in the temple is only the first step for couples to begin this progression process of growing together – of becoming “one” – an “eternal” unit. It does not magically happen the instant we make our vows, and it is not a process without difficulty. Yet the results of such a process (if we do not allow selfishness to seep in) will bring sweet rewards over time, no matter how the marriage itself turns out.
Selfish Reasons for Marriage Can Still Work
Marriage is not a decision to be made lightly. Those who marry for money, for fame, status, to spite another person or parents, lust, revenge or on the rebound, may be thwarting their personal progression before it even begins.
This is not to say that we must have perfect reasons to marry – many often don’t and still manage to have wonderful marriages. Those of us in the Church of Jesus Christ often marry at very young ages, compared to society as a whole. We may choose a partner for primarily superficial reasons in the beginning. Whether we choose wisely or not, the growth process can still occur, and progression can still happen – if we approach the process while resisting selfishness:
“Did I pick the right person? This question inverts the starting and ending points. We do not pick our perfect match because we ourselves are not perfect. The universe hands us a flawless diamond – in the rough. Only if we are willing to polish off every part of ourselves that cannot join do we end up with a soul mate.”[2]
What Role Does Differentiation and Emotional Fusion Play?
This process is why God wants us to marry. It cannot begin in earnest until we marry…until we have committed ourselves by covenant for this process to begin. Trying to gain this growth in any other way (fornication, cohabitation, friends with benefits, same-sex ‘marriage’, pornography, adultery, etc.) is artificial and superficial at best…and again we very often find selfishness at the root of such alternate arrangements.
Dr. David Schnarch refers to this polishing process within marriage as “differentiation.” It’s a new word for most people. In terms better understood by members of the Lord’s church, it means to use our free agency to become independent from other people for our happiness, self-worth, self-esteem or self-respect.
The opposite state of differentiation is emotional fusion. Most people carry some form of this in their lives. It can become especially apparent in newlyweds, when the newlywed glow of love has worn off. Many people may even feel that emotional fusion is love, but it is not.
Those who lean toward emotional fusion base their ability to be happy (or their self-esteem or self-worth or their status in society) entirely or in part on how other people view them, speak about them or treat them.
We’ve all seen examples of fusion in many kinds of personal relationships, such as:
Dr. David Schnarch said “…people who are emotionally fused are controlled by their connection. They have lost their ability to direct themselves and so get swept up in how people around them are feeling. There’s room for only one opinion, one position.”[3]
There is no room for win/win in such a relationship, only win/lose.
Individuality is Not Selfish by Itself
“Choose ye this day whom ye will serve; as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” – Joshua 24:15
“It is not good for man to be alone…”
Each person holds within them two basic, God-given drives: the need to be their own person, and the need to be accepted and loved by a person or group.
Neither of these desires is selfish. Our individuality enables us to think, hold opinions, and learn. The desire for individuality enables us to care for ourselves and to act on our faith. Individuality is a creative force.
Our desires to be part of a group enable us to form loving connections, families, and to achieve cohesiveness in a church or a community. In the gospel, there is room for both.
Emotional Fusion and the Four Marriage Killers
Emotional fusion is a connection as well – but a different kind. Emotional fusion is not love. It is an emotional connection that does not make room for another person’s ideas, ability to repent and be forgiven, or even breathing space. It requires mindless conformity to work. It is two people fighting to be heard and understood, but not willing to understand the other.
A fused person fears to reveal all of themselves to the person they’re fused with. They fear they will lose themselves or get hurt beyond repair. They may feel their only other option is to pull away from the tremendous influence this person has on them. They may engage in silence or separation. Communication fails, and secrets begin to thrive, since neither spouse trusts the other with their real feelings.
When spouses are emotionally fused in marriage, it’s like they’re leaning on each other, in an A-shape, like a ladder. They fear making a move, because they are inherently unstable themselves. We’re looking to our spouse or others for stability, identity and approval. This is often reflected in the romantic notions of movies, which claim we are not whole without the other. “You complete me.” Or ‘I can’t live without you’. If one moves, they may fall. To them, change becomes something that is threatening. Change means that their self-esteem is at risk, and they can’t allow that.
Spencer W. Kimball tried to warn couples about the permeating consequences of selfishness and fusion in marriage. He said,
“If the faults of two people are more nearly equal, if both of them have a beam-impaired vision that still gives no justification for a selfish, unforgiving attitude…The escapist never escapes. If two people, selfish and self-centered, and without the spirit of forgiveness, escape from each other, they cannot escape from themselves. The disease is not cured by the separation or the divorce, and it will most assuredly follow along in the wake of future marriages.”[4]
Emotional fusion is the manifestation of selfishness in a marriage. It must be addressed and corrected individually for a relationship to get on the right track toward progressing together as an eternal couple.
For this reason, it does little good to counsel people to arbitrarily end their relationship when it’s in trouble. Their lack of ability to differentiate will simply follow them to their next relationship…and the next…and the next.
Sooner or later, this problem must be recognized and appropriately dealt with, and it’s nearly always better to do it sooner than later.
Emotional Fusion in Our Sex Life
Problems in our sex life are often the first sign of emotional fusion. The act of lovemaking is such a close, intimate, sacred, powerful and self-exposing action that, if the process of emotional fusion is beginning, sex may feel smothering. The spouse may begin to feel they are losing their sense of identity or exposing themselves too much. Sex may get shut down entirely.
If one spouse expresses this fusion behavior, some may say that the solution is to stand up to our spouse – to lay down the law and tell them we won’t put up with this situation anymore. The spouse is broken, there is nothing we can do to change it, and the marriage should end.
Maybe it should….or maybe it shouldn’t. We could also ask ourselves, “What does my spouse need? What is my spouse trying to communicate?”
Before the Mote…Remove the Beam
It’s common to hear something like this from people who struggle in their marriage: “I can’t go on. I’m being overwhelmed. I’ve got to find myself and be my own person, and find a person who will appreciate me, or not betray me.”
This is emotional fusion. This is the face of selfishness that stabs at the heart of a marriage.
In contrast, a differentiated person (who proactively looks to compromise with a resistant spouse) might think, “I’m doing all I can. My life is right with God, and I know that this is the course He would have me pursue. I love my spouse, and I want to be with this person eternally. I will do all I can to help heal our marriage, but if they don’t want that, then I will respect their decision. Their decision doesn’t make me a bad person or a failure.”
These are two totally different places to be…with two totally different results.
Two Strong Individuals Who Choose to Stay Together
“Marriage is not easy; it is not simple…Since nearly all of us have experienced divorce among our close friends or relatives, we have come to realize that divorce is not a cure for difficulty, but is merely an escape, and a weak one…Two people coming from different backgrounds soon learn after the ceremony is performed that a stark reality must be faced…”[5]
Differentiation – the process of becoming a strong and independent individual while maintaining a close relationship with another person – can be one of the hardest, yet most rewarding challenges any married person will ever undertake.
Building such a marriage is hard. It will hit us at every weak spot we have. We must reach out to the Lord and sometimes to others for the strength to accomplish such a feat, because it cannot be done alone. It may mean letting go of some very comfortable habits, beliefs or traditions that are selfish and not conducive to the health of the marriage.
So Why Bother if It’s So Hard?
It is worth pursuing because the benefits are amazing and eternal. Sex between two differentiated people can only be experienced if we are not afraid to be held, not afraid or ashamed to express ourselves sexually with our spouse and not threatened by our spouse’s sexuality.
Full marital intimacy is so much more than just bodies pressing together, penis in vagina and reaching the ultimate orgasm. It is about communication, truly being one spiritually and emotionally, feeling like we’re enough as we are while still working toward perfection, and finding pleasure in helping the other feel satisfied with their lives. Sex between couples who have mastered differentiation also gets better as we grow older.
Gordon B. Hinkley said:
“Why all of these broken homes? What happens to marriages that begin with sincere love and a desire to be loyal and faithful and true one to another?
There is no simple answer. I acknowledge that. But it appears to me that there are some obvious reasons that account for a very high percentage of these problems. I say this out of experience in dealing with such tragedies. I find selfishness to be the root cause of most of it.
I am satisfied that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion.”[6]
How to Differentiate? One Word…
What must we do to allow differentiation to begin and selfishness to be removed? We must work to discover the selfishness in our own heart and allow charity to develop. Charity is the manifestation of differentiation, and the celestial opposite of selfishness.
By being sealed in the temple by priesthood authority, we seal ourselves to the Lord as well. He is the third party in our marriage covenant. He will initiate the process of differentiation by encouraging us to build our relationship with Him, which in turn will help us move from leaning on others to standing straight and strong, and build our relationship with our spouse and others.[7]
Charity is having a love for others (for our spouse) that is just as strong as the love Christ has for us.
“Pray with all the energy of heart…”[8]
By grasping onto the Lord for help and allowing Him to purify us, we overcome the selfishness in our hearts, and we can develop a love for our spouse that is not possible without His help.
We can gain confidence in the Lord, and in our identity as his spirit child. With that strength and confidence, we can face the challenges in our intimate lives and work to grow together as two independent individuals that function together interdependently. Instead of leaning on each other in helplessness, we are two independent, upright people who look to the Lord and choose each other deliberately every day.
Differentiation is the process by which we allow the institution of marriage (and the tool of sexual intimacy in marriage) to root out selfishness; to become more like Christ. If we allow it, marriage will show us all our weaknesses, selfish desires and shortcomings.
Repentance and forgiveness (of our spouse and ourselves) are also tools the Lord has given us to get selfishness out of our lives.
It’s good to start where we are by allowing our spouse or other loved ones or even priesthood leaders or professionals to help us recognize when we are fusing, being selfish, or giving in to weaknesses. We can repent, we can be forgiven, and we can pray for charity.
We can also communicate to our spouse and listen to our spouse to help us learn what they need to feel loved, appreciated, respected, sexy and intimately satisfied. We should never assume our spouse “should just know.” No one is born knowing how to be a good spouse or lover. It must be learned.
We can put their needs above our own, and we can avoid passing judgment because their personal differences are different from ours.
“And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail – but charity is the pure love of Christ…
Wherefore…pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him…that we may be purified even as he is pure…”
In the end, who wants to be married to a stranger or someone we don’t like for eternity? If we are to build a happy and loving relationship that will last forever, each person has the task of replacing their own selfishness with charity.
[1]
Dr. Homer Ellsworth, “I Have a Question”, Ensign, Aug. 1979
[2] Prather, Hugh and Gail, “Notes to Each Other”, as quoted by Schnarch, David. “Passionate Marriage” pg. 51.
[3]
[4] Kimball, Spencer W. “The Miracle of Forgiveness”, pg. 270-271
[5] Kimball, Spencer W. “Marriage and Divorce”, 1976 Devotional Speeches of the Year, as quoted in the Eternal Marriage Student Manual, p. 170
[6] Hinckley, Gordon B. “What God Hath Joined Together”. Ensign, May 1991, pg. 71-74
[7] Ephesians 5: 22-33
[8] Moroni 7:48
Also, the previous ‘marriage killers’ articles can be found here: Part 1, Silence, Secrets, Separation
Whether or not this reader who is the subject of the discussion should leave his wife, I couldn’t say for sure. We do not have her side of the story, and my reply to him was based upon his side of the story.
There may be others who wondered why I didn’t suggest he leave her.
In large part, my main reason is the purpose of my blog today – the final of the four marriage killers: selfishness.
The Root of Most Marital Problems = Selfishness
President Spencer W. Kimball spoke at length of the marital bane that is selfishness. He said:
“In the process of learning what is right for you at any particular time, I have always found it helpful to use a basic measuring stick: Is it selfish? I have concluded that most of our sins are really sins of selfishness…”[1]
Marriage is, at its core, a growth process. The act of getting sealed in the temple is only the first step for couples to begin this progression process of growing together – of becoming “one” – an “eternal” unit. It does not magically happen the instant we make our vows, and it is not a process without difficulty. Yet the results of such a process (if we do not allow selfishness to seep in) will bring sweet rewards over time, no matter how the marriage itself turns out.
Selfish Reasons for Marriage Can Still Work
Marriage is not a decision to be made lightly. Those who marry for money, for fame, status, to spite another person or parents, lust, revenge or on the rebound, may be thwarting their personal progression before it even begins.
This is not to say that we must have perfect reasons to marry – many often don’t and still manage to have wonderful marriages. Those of us in the Church of Jesus Christ often marry at very young ages, compared to society as a whole. We may choose a partner for primarily superficial reasons in the beginning. Whether we choose wisely or not, the growth process can still occur, and progression can still happen – if we approach the process while resisting selfishness:
“Did I pick the right person? This question inverts the starting and ending points. We do not pick our perfect match because we ourselves are not perfect. The universe hands us a flawless diamond – in the rough. Only if we are willing to polish off every part of ourselves that cannot join do we end up with a soul mate.”[2]
What Role Does Differentiation and Emotional Fusion Play?
This process is why God wants us to marry. It cannot begin in earnest until we marry…until we have committed ourselves by covenant for this process to begin. Trying to gain this growth in any other way (fornication, cohabitation, friends with benefits, same-sex ‘marriage’, pornography, adultery, etc.) is artificial and superficial at best…and again we very often find selfishness at the root of such alternate arrangements.
Dr. David Schnarch refers to this polishing process within marriage as “differentiation.” It’s a new word for most people. In terms better understood by members of the Lord’s church, it means to use our free agency to become independent from other people for our happiness, self-worth, self-esteem or self-respect.
The opposite state of differentiation is emotional fusion. Most people carry some form of this in their lives. It can become especially apparent in newlyweds, when the newlywed glow of love has worn off. Many people may even feel that emotional fusion is love, but it is not.
Those who lean toward emotional fusion base their ability to be happy (or their self-esteem or self-worth or their status in society) entirely or in part on how other people view them, speak about them or treat them.
We’ve all seen examples of fusion in many kinds of personal relationships, such as:
· the
spouse who insists on winning an argument
· the
spouse who regularly asks if he/she looks fat and then doesn’t accept the
compliment their partner gives them
· the spouse
who flies into a rage at the slightest provocation
· a
parent who throws a fit and may even get violent if the children do not
acknowledge their place as the head of the household, and they feel threatened
that the children are showing disrespect.
Dr. David Schnarch said “…people who are emotionally fused are controlled by their connection. They have lost their ability to direct themselves and so get swept up in how people around them are feeling. There’s room for only one opinion, one position.”[3]
There is no room for win/win in such a relationship, only win/lose.
Individuality is Not Selfish by Itself
“Choose ye this day whom ye will serve; as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” – Joshua 24:15
“It is not good for man to be alone…”
Each person holds within them two basic, God-given drives: the need to be their own person, and the need to be accepted and loved by a person or group.
Neither of these desires is selfish. Our individuality enables us to think, hold opinions, and learn. The desire for individuality enables us to care for ourselves and to act on our faith. Individuality is a creative force.
Our desires to be part of a group enable us to form loving connections, families, and to achieve cohesiveness in a church or a community. In the gospel, there is room for both.
Emotional Fusion and the Four Marriage Killers
Emotional fusion is a connection as well – but a different kind. Emotional fusion is not love. It is an emotional connection that does not make room for another person’s ideas, ability to repent and be forgiven, or even breathing space. It requires mindless conformity to work. It is two people fighting to be heard and understood, but not willing to understand the other.
A fused person fears to reveal all of themselves to the person they’re fused with. They fear they will lose themselves or get hurt beyond repair. They may feel their only other option is to pull away from the tremendous influence this person has on them. They may engage in silence or separation. Communication fails, and secrets begin to thrive, since neither spouse trusts the other with their real feelings.
When spouses are emotionally fused in marriage, it’s like they’re leaning on each other, in an A-shape, like a ladder. They fear making a move, because they are inherently unstable themselves. We’re looking to our spouse or others for stability, identity and approval. This is often reflected in the romantic notions of movies, which claim we are not whole without the other. “You complete me.” Or ‘I can’t live without you’. If one moves, they may fall. To them, change becomes something that is threatening. Change means that their self-esteem is at risk, and they can’t allow that.
Spencer W. Kimball tried to warn couples about the permeating consequences of selfishness and fusion in marriage. He said,
“If the faults of two people are more nearly equal, if both of them have a beam-impaired vision that still gives no justification for a selfish, unforgiving attitude…The escapist never escapes. If two people, selfish and self-centered, and without the spirit of forgiveness, escape from each other, they cannot escape from themselves. The disease is not cured by the separation or the divorce, and it will most assuredly follow along in the wake of future marriages.”[4]
Emotional fusion is the manifestation of selfishness in a marriage. It must be addressed and corrected individually for a relationship to get on the right track toward progressing together as an eternal couple.
For this reason, it does little good to counsel people to arbitrarily end their relationship when it’s in trouble. Their lack of ability to differentiate will simply follow them to their next relationship…and the next…and the next.
Sooner or later, this problem must be recognized and appropriately dealt with, and it’s nearly always better to do it sooner than later.
Emotional Fusion in Our Sex Life
Problems in our sex life are often the first sign of emotional fusion. The act of lovemaking is such a close, intimate, sacred, powerful and self-exposing action that, if the process of emotional fusion is beginning, sex may feel smothering. The spouse may begin to feel they are losing their sense of identity or exposing themselves too much. Sex may get shut down entirely.
If one spouse expresses this fusion behavior, some may say that the solution is to stand up to our spouse – to lay down the law and tell them we won’t put up with this situation anymore. The spouse is broken, there is nothing we can do to change it, and the marriage should end.
Maybe it should….or maybe it shouldn’t. We could also ask ourselves, “What does my spouse need? What is my spouse trying to communicate?”
Before the Mote…Remove the Beam
It’s common to hear something like this from people who struggle in their marriage: “I can’t go on. I’m being overwhelmed. I’ve got to find myself and be my own person, and find a person who will appreciate me, or not betray me.”
This is emotional fusion. This is the face of selfishness that stabs at the heart of a marriage.
In contrast, a differentiated person (who proactively looks to compromise with a resistant spouse) might think, “I’m doing all I can. My life is right with God, and I know that this is the course He would have me pursue. I love my spouse, and I want to be with this person eternally. I will do all I can to help heal our marriage, but if they don’t want that, then I will respect their decision. Their decision doesn’t make me a bad person or a failure.”
These are two totally different places to be…with two totally different results.
Two Strong Individuals Who Choose to Stay Together
“Marriage is not easy; it is not simple…Since nearly all of us have experienced divorce among our close friends or relatives, we have come to realize that divorce is not a cure for difficulty, but is merely an escape, and a weak one…Two people coming from different backgrounds soon learn after the ceremony is performed that a stark reality must be faced…”[5]
Differentiation – the process of becoming a strong and independent individual while maintaining a close relationship with another person – can be one of the hardest, yet most rewarding challenges any married person will ever undertake.
Building such a marriage is hard. It will hit us at every weak spot we have. We must reach out to the Lord and sometimes to others for the strength to accomplish such a feat, because it cannot be done alone. It may mean letting go of some very comfortable habits, beliefs or traditions that are selfish and not conducive to the health of the marriage.
So Why Bother if It’s So Hard?
It is worth pursuing because the benefits are amazing and eternal. Sex between two differentiated people can only be experienced if we are not afraid to be held, not afraid or ashamed to express ourselves sexually with our spouse and not threatened by our spouse’s sexuality.
Full marital intimacy is so much more than just bodies pressing together, penis in vagina and reaching the ultimate orgasm. It is about communication, truly being one spiritually and emotionally, feeling like we’re enough as we are while still working toward perfection, and finding pleasure in helping the other feel satisfied with their lives. Sex between couples who have mastered differentiation also gets better as we grow older.
Gordon B. Hinkley said:
“Why all of these broken homes? What happens to marriages that begin with sincere love and a desire to be loyal and faithful and true one to another?
There is no simple answer. I acknowledge that. But it appears to me that there are some obvious reasons that account for a very high percentage of these problems. I say this out of experience in dealing with such tragedies. I find selfishness to be the root cause of most of it.
I am satisfied that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion.”[6]
How to Differentiate? One Word…
What must we do to allow differentiation to begin and selfishness to be removed? We must work to discover the selfishness in our own heart and allow charity to develop. Charity is the manifestation of differentiation, and the celestial opposite of selfishness.
By being sealed in the temple by priesthood authority, we seal ourselves to the Lord as well. He is the third party in our marriage covenant. He will initiate the process of differentiation by encouraging us to build our relationship with Him, which in turn will help us move from leaning on others to standing straight and strong, and build our relationship with our spouse and others.[7]
Charity is having a love for others (for our spouse) that is just as strong as the love Christ has for us.
“Pray with all the energy of heart…”[8]
By grasping onto the Lord for help and allowing Him to purify us, we overcome the selfishness in our hearts, and we can develop a love for our spouse that is not possible without His help.
We can gain confidence in the Lord, and in our identity as his spirit child. With that strength and confidence, we can face the challenges in our intimate lives and work to grow together as two independent individuals that function together interdependently. Instead of leaning on each other in helplessness, we are two independent, upright people who look to the Lord and choose each other deliberately every day.
Differentiation is the process by which we allow the institution of marriage (and the tool of sexual intimacy in marriage) to root out selfishness; to become more like Christ. If we allow it, marriage will show us all our weaknesses, selfish desires and shortcomings.
Repentance and forgiveness (of our spouse and ourselves) are also tools the Lord has given us to get selfishness out of our lives.
It’s good to start where we are by allowing our spouse or other loved ones or even priesthood leaders or professionals to help us recognize when we are fusing, being selfish, or giving in to weaknesses. We can repent, we can be forgiven, and we can pray for charity.
We can also communicate to our spouse and listen to our spouse to help us learn what they need to feel loved, appreciated, respected, sexy and intimately satisfied. We should never assume our spouse “should just know.” No one is born knowing how to be a good spouse or lover. It must be learned.
We can put their needs above our own, and we can avoid passing judgment because their personal differences are different from ours.
“And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail – but charity is the pure love of Christ…
Wherefore…pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him…that we may be purified even as he is pure…”
In the end, who wants to be married to a stranger or someone we don’t like for eternity? If we are to build a happy and loving relationship that will last forever, each person has the task of replacing their own selfishness with charity.
[2] Prather, Hugh and Gail, “Notes to Each Other”, as quoted by Schnarch, David. “Passionate Marriage” pg. 51.
[3]
[4] Kimball, Spencer W. “The Miracle of Forgiveness”, pg. 270-271
[5] Kimball, Spencer W. “Marriage and Divorce”, 1976 Devotional Speeches of the Year, as quoted in the Eternal Marriage Student Manual, p. 170
[6] Hinckley, Gordon B. “What God Hath Joined Together”. Ensign, May 1991, pg. 71-74
[7] Ephesians 5: 22-33
[8] Moroni 7:48
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Solo Masturbation: A "Sexual" Relationship?
A reader raised an interesting question:
Can solo masturbation be considered a "sexual" relation? Can a person have "sex" with themself?
I was curious to hear what you had to say on this.
When presenting your arguments, please try to state them as fact and show your sources. Feel free to use scripture, church resources, scientific data, quotes from professionals...
I also ask that we be respectful in how we present our arguments. Attack the idea, not the person. Hateful words or angry rantings will not be accepted. Think in terms of "help others to heal" "help others to know where to go."
I'm looking forward to your responses.
Can solo masturbation be considered a "sexual" relation? Can a person have "sex" with themself?
I was curious to hear what you had to say on this.
When presenting your arguments, please try to state them as fact and show your sources. Feel free to use scripture, church resources, scientific data, quotes from professionals...
I also ask that we be respectful in how we present our arguments. Attack the idea, not the person. Hateful words or angry rantings will not be accepted. Think in terms of "help others to heal" "help others to know where to go."
I'm looking forward to your responses.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Is Withholding Sex From Your Spouse Breaking The Law Of Chastity?
Here's an interesting question for everyone, and something you may want to make a point of discussion with your spouse.
Is denying, withholding, or rejecting married sexual relations with your spouse a violation of the Law of Chastity? Could a spouse be committing a sin of omission in this regard?
What evidence can you share that would support your stance?
Is denying, withholding, or rejecting married sexual relations with your spouse a violation of the Law of Chastity? Could a spouse be committing a sin of omission in this regard?
What evidence can you share that would support your stance?
Monday, September 5, 2011
Is Masturbation Justified In A Sexless Marriage?
"I married my wife in the temple over 30 years ago, but most of which
has been without regular sex. She has basically decided, unilaterally, that she
does not want to "do it" any more.
On those rare occasions when we do, it's ALWAYS me who initiates it and for her, she's just doing her duty. I can't keep this up, it's killing me. I have resorted to masturbation on a few occasions but refrain mostly for all the usual LDS reasons.
It is, my choice of last resort. I do not involve pornography believe it or not, but instead I will concentrate thinking about my wife when I engage in masturbation. There is most often a sense of relief and the hormones released seem to help my general well being, in other words, my mood improves.
That having been said, I'm really looking for counsel as to whether I should abstain from masturbation altogether even though and this is not an exaggeration, my wife and I may never again have intercourse. I love her very much and none other.
What's in her heart is anyone's guess. I have sexual needs that are not being met by my wife and I refuse to fulfill that need with any other woman. Occasional "solo" masturbation seems to be my only outlet. (And yes, we're been to several of our bishops and marriage counselors over the years with no improvements in our relationship.)"
~ Anon56
Dear Anonymous56,
Thank you for reading and your question. It is difficult to know the correct course of action based upon the information that you gave. In all fairness, I don’t know your wife’s side of the story. I will base my reply upon how I understand the situation from your side of the story and how it affects your relationship with your wife and our Savior Jesus Christ.
The presidents of the Church have taught us that sex in marriage has a two-fold purpose. One is to create bodies for our Heavenly Father’s spirit children. The second is to strengthen the eternal bonds of a husband and wife through physical intimacy.
You have both been though the temple and made sacred covenants. To obtain the blessings of the temple, you must keep your covenants – including those pertaining to the law of chastity. That law of chastity also excludes sex with ourselves. I also want you to notice that this same law of chastity doesn’t exclude any sexual activity we have with our spouse. Manual stimulation of the genitals does have its place, but only if used between a husband and wife as a means of strengthening their intimate bonds.
Solo masturbation is a separating and selfish activity, both of which are two of the four marriage killers I write about in my blog. If you are not communicating with your wife and keeping your masturbation habit secret from your wife, then you’ve added a third marriage killer to your relationship.
I’m sorry to be so painfully frank with you Anon56, but because of your plan of action to remedy the situation, continuous masturbation will program a gripping habit in your mind, body and spirit,[1] in a similar manner as a person involved in profane erotica. In some sense, there is profane erotica involved, since you are visualizing a fantasy version of your wife who wants to have sex with you while you masturbate.
I know that you have seen bishops and therapists already, but I must suggest you try seeing a marriage and family counselor (preferably with your wife) to help you reprogram your sex life - someone who understands the doctrine of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, since our issues and viewpoints are unique.
If your only option at this point is to either masturbate or not have sex at all, you don’t really have a marriage anymore - you have a roommate situation. In addition, your marriage is not likely to last. You are in a sexless marriage, which will not build you a healthy relationship and friendship that you both will want for eternity. You can reference my blog to the condition of sexless marriage here:
A return to a focus on your relationship with your wife may help. You’re going crazy not because of a lack of sex, but because of a lack of intimacy with your wife. To use a metaphor, you’re emotionally thirsty, but you are trying to slake that thirst by eating more food (orgasm through masturbation).
People can go a lifetime without ejaculating or having an orgasm. No one has ever died from failing to ejaculate, but people have suffered from severe depression, insanity and even death from lack of intimacy.
I find it hard to believe that you love her with all your heart. In one breath you say you do, but in the next you confess that you know nothing about her. Clearly a major communication breakdown has happened somewhere between your and your wife, and that line of communication need to be re-established if love is going to thrive.
You expressed that you have to be the initiator all the time. Men are biologically designed and naturally carry the role of initiator. At minimum, the spouse with the higher desire has claim to that role.We don’t have to be ashamed or frustrated by that. In most marriages, if no one initiated, sex just wouldn't happen. It is your God-given gift. You are “THE INITIATOR”. Own it.
Not all females are given the same strong sexual drive as men, and therefore often rely on the men to initiate sex. The key question for all men is “How do I do this effectively so she wants sex too”?
The answer goes back to communication. Each gender communicates differently. What men define as sex or romance is very different from a woman’s definition.
A misconception many men have is that a woman’s vagina fills her with the same drive and gives her the same sensations sexually as a man’s penis does.
Most men communicate love through their penis and feel loved when their wives give attention to their penis and husbands consider it the ultimate expression of love when she allows them into her vagina.
Unfortunately, we follow that emotional logic to think “Oh, she must feel the same, and if she doesn’t she is frigid or has a sexual disorder.” This is not true. Women by and large do NOT define sex, intimacy and affection the same.
If we want our wife to willingly and joyfully accept us into her vagina, we have to give her what she associates love and sex with - her heart. Touch her heart.
Here is how to touch her heart:
Many men make the mistake of forgetting the reason she wanted to marry them and have sex with them in the first place. She wants to be romanced – her whole life. This is why we have been counseled by our Church leaders to continue the courtship after marriage.
If you’d like to try something new sexually, she may be adverse at first, but that doesn’t mean she’s totally against it. She just may need some time to warm up to the idea. Touch her heart, talk about it with her and try to understand her feelings. Restate what she says to make sure you understand.
In order for sex to be an eternal bonding experience, it must be a “sharing” activity. If she’s just laying there and “thinking of the Red, White and Blue” (doing her duty), you’re just using her body to masturbate on. Don’t get me wrong, quickies do have their place, but the majority of the time, when we men have sex with our wives, we should be looking in her eyes, talking to her, holding her hands, and learning how she is feeling or how she wants to be touched or held.
When she tells you how she wants to be touched, do it (no matter how dumb or un-erotic it sounds to you). What’s dumb to you may be very erotic to her (and vice versa).
Thirty years is way too long to go without regular, loving, intimate sex, but that doesn’t mean your marriage is automatically doomed. If you’re willing to try again, and your wife is willing to try again, there’s hope. Building an eternal relationship can take longer than a lifetime, but the sealing allows us the time.
Marriages also get into trouble when we start depending on our spouse to make us happy, and using them to justify our selfish reactions. Masturbation in the situation you describe here is little more than a short-term escape valve from your troubles. Instead, I would challenge you to do the hard thing, and go after the root of the problem instead – your lack of intimacy with your wife.
Don’t just go masturbate and give up on your wife. Your marital intimacy is the very key to your eternal salvation. Try something new, until something works, or until you’ve exhausted every possible way of getting through to her. Take 100% responsibility for your sex life and you won’t regret the results. At least once spouse fully committed and invoking the Lord's help can work wonders to save a marriage.
[1] Duhigg, Charles, The Power of Habit (2014, ch.2)
On those rare occasions when we do, it's ALWAYS me who initiates it and for her, she's just doing her duty. I can't keep this up, it's killing me. I have resorted to masturbation on a few occasions but refrain mostly for all the usual LDS reasons.
It is, my choice of last resort. I do not involve pornography believe it or not, but instead I will concentrate thinking about my wife when I engage in masturbation. There is most often a sense of relief and the hormones released seem to help my general well being, in other words, my mood improves.
That having been said, I'm really looking for counsel as to whether I should abstain from masturbation altogether even though and this is not an exaggeration, my wife and I may never again have intercourse. I love her very much and none other.
What's in her heart is anyone's guess. I have sexual needs that are not being met by my wife and I refuse to fulfill that need with any other woman. Occasional "solo" masturbation seems to be my only outlet. (And yes, we're been to several of our bishops and marriage counselors over the years with no improvements in our relationship.)"
~ Anon56
Dear Anonymous56,
Thank you for reading and your question. It is difficult to know the correct course of action based upon the information that you gave. In all fairness, I don’t know your wife’s side of the story. I will base my reply upon how I understand the situation from your side of the story and how it affects your relationship with your wife and our Savior Jesus Christ.
The presidents of the Church have taught us that sex in marriage has a two-fold purpose. One is to create bodies for our Heavenly Father’s spirit children. The second is to strengthen the eternal bonds of a husband and wife through physical intimacy.
You have both been though the temple and made sacred covenants. To obtain the blessings of the temple, you must keep your covenants – including those pertaining to the law of chastity. That law of chastity also excludes sex with ourselves. I also want you to notice that this same law of chastity doesn’t exclude any sexual activity we have with our spouse. Manual stimulation of the genitals does have its place, but only if used between a husband and wife as a means of strengthening their intimate bonds.
Solo masturbation is a separating and selfish activity, both of which are two of the four marriage killers I write about in my blog. If you are not communicating with your wife and keeping your masturbation habit secret from your wife, then you’ve added a third marriage killer to your relationship.
I’m sorry to be so painfully frank with you Anon56, but because of your plan of action to remedy the situation, continuous masturbation will program a gripping habit in your mind, body and spirit,[1] in a similar manner as a person involved in profane erotica. In some sense, there is profane erotica involved, since you are visualizing a fantasy version of your wife who wants to have sex with you while you masturbate.
I know that you have seen bishops and therapists already, but I must suggest you try seeing a marriage and family counselor (preferably with your wife) to help you reprogram your sex life - someone who understands the doctrine of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, since our issues and viewpoints are unique.
If your only option at this point is to either masturbate or not have sex at all, you don’t really have a marriage anymore - you have a roommate situation. In addition, your marriage is not likely to last. You are in a sexless marriage, which will not build you a healthy relationship and friendship that you both will want for eternity. You can reference my blog to the condition of sexless marriage here:
A return to a focus on your relationship with your wife may help. You’re going crazy not because of a lack of sex, but because of a lack of intimacy with your wife. To use a metaphor, you’re emotionally thirsty, but you are trying to slake that thirst by eating more food (orgasm through masturbation).
People can go a lifetime without ejaculating or having an orgasm. No one has ever died from failing to ejaculate, but people have suffered from severe depression, insanity and even death from lack of intimacy.
I find it hard to believe that you love her with all your heart. In one breath you say you do, but in the next you confess that you know nothing about her. Clearly a major communication breakdown has happened somewhere between your and your wife, and that line of communication need to be re-established if love is going to thrive.
You expressed that you have to be the initiator all the time. Men are biologically designed and naturally carry the role of initiator. At minimum, the spouse with the higher desire has claim to that role.We don’t have to be ashamed or frustrated by that. In most marriages, if no one initiated, sex just wouldn't happen. It is your God-given gift. You are “THE INITIATOR”. Own it.
Not all females are given the same strong sexual drive as men, and therefore often rely on the men to initiate sex. The key question for all men is “How do I do this effectively so she wants sex too”?
The answer goes back to communication. Each gender communicates differently. What men define as sex or romance is very different from a woman’s definition.
A misconception many men have is that a woman’s vagina fills her with the same drive and gives her the same sensations sexually as a man’s penis does.
Most men communicate love through their penis and feel loved when their wives give attention to their penis and husbands consider it the ultimate expression of love when she allows them into her vagina.
Unfortunately, we follow that emotional logic to think “Oh, she must feel the same, and if she doesn’t she is frigid or has a sexual disorder.” This is not true. Women by and large do NOT define sex, intimacy and affection the same.
If we want our wife to willingly and joyfully accept us into her vagina, we have to give her what she associates love and sex with - her heart. Touch her heart.
Here is how to touch her heart:
1. Be
kind to her. Constant criticism kills love and your sex life.
2. Honor
your priesthood. Women can find this to be very sexy; a woman can be turned
on by a husband she feels is worthy to lead her to the celestial kingdom, which
then inspires her to share herself with him sexually. This may sound goofy to
men, but we’re not talking about communicating to men. We’re talking here about
what turns a faithful woman on.
This means you should attend your regular Church
meetings, lead your family in scripture readings and prayer, have regular Family
Home Evenings, give your wife and children priesthood blessings, and attend the
temple with her regularly. Cast evil spirits of contention and anger from your
home when you feel them. This can work wonders for your sexual relationship. As
unrelated as that may sound, it will help her feel loved, cared for and safe,
and allow the Lord to open her heart (and vagina) towards you in many ways you
can’t even imagine now.
3. Talk
to her, and more important – listen to her. Let her know what your
sexual needs are. She has a responsibility to be considerate of your feelings
and needs too. But, also ask her what she needs to feel loved and safe. Ask her
how she defines sex and affection. If you're interested, I know of a test you
both can take to help you discover those personal definitions. She has hung
your "sex" out to dry, but you may not be aware that you may have
been hanging her "sex" out to dry for years.
4. Be
kind to her children (this probably should be number one – it’s very potent
for getting her to want to connect to you sexually).
5. When
you hold her, put your hand over her heart and hold it there. Ask her
how it makes her feel. Don’t get upset or weirded out if she weeps.
Crying is a good sign – it means that she is accessing her emotional center, which
can sometimes lead to feelings of sexuality toward you.
6. Sex
starts for a woman in the brain, not in her genitals. A woman can get
turned on with a story, or a scenario. Get her dreaming. Talk with her about
what she would find romantic – what and where. A story involves a place, or a
situation. It doesn’t have to be complicated. It doesn’t have to involve sex;
it could involve cuddling, rubbing her feet or kissing. This sort of talk
begins to channel her constant thoughts from the cares of the day into her
primitive sexual brain. It helps her to connect emotionally to her desires.
7. Make
life more fun together. If sex seems like a duty to her, that should
be a warning sign to you that you have just become another task on her list to
check off. Women do not generally share the same perspective on
"duty" that we men do. This is not using sex to build an eternal
relationship. Take her on dates every week, romance her, bring her flowers
weekly by surprise, or write her little notes.
These sorts of things can touch her heart, and work
differently on different woman. You’ll need to experiment to see what works
best for your wife. Pray for inspiration in this regard – you are entitled to
it. The Lord is very interested in the success of your sex life. If you haven't
already read it, Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages could yield some
potential help in this area.
8. For
couples with more severe sexual troubles, a good start might be to read Laura
Brotherson’s book, And They Were Not Ashamed. You could invite
your wife to read this with you if she chooses. Laura Brotherson is very good
for helping sisters to reconcile the importance of sex in a married
relationship, and in terms that women relate to. She also has some exercises
that you both can do together in order to rebuild your sexual relationship.
9. If
your wife finds it difficult to talk about her feelings, you can encourage
her to write them. She may find it easier to express herself in a different
way than talking. When she does express herself - never, ever criticize what
she says, no matter what your inner reaction. If you want her to accept you
eagerly into her vagina, you have to develop a relationship of trust. She has
to know she can trust you with her deepest feelings, and there's few areas more
sensitive than our sexuality.
Many men make the mistake of forgetting the reason she wanted to marry them and have sex with them in the first place. She wants to be romanced – her whole life. This is why we have been counseled by our Church leaders to continue the courtship after marriage.
If you’d like to try something new sexually, she may be adverse at first, but that doesn’t mean she’s totally against it. She just may need some time to warm up to the idea. Touch her heart, talk about it with her and try to understand her feelings. Restate what she says to make sure you understand.
In order for sex to be an eternal bonding experience, it must be a “sharing” activity. If she’s just laying there and “thinking of the Red, White and Blue” (doing her duty), you’re just using her body to masturbate on. Don’t get me wrong, quickies do have their place, but the majority of the time, when we men have sex with our wives, we should be looking in her eyes, talking to her, holding her hands, and learning how she is feeling or how she wants to be touched or held.
When she tells you how she wants to be touched, do it (no matter how dumb or un-erotic it sounds to you). What’s dumb to you may be very erotic to her (and vice versa).
Thirty years is way too long to go without regular, loving, intimate sex, but that doesn’t mean your marriage is automatically doomed. If you’re willing to try again, and your wife is willing to try again, there’s hope. Building an eternal relationship can take longer than a lifetime, but the sealing allows us the time.
Marriages also get into trouble when we start depending on our spouse to make us happy, and using them to justify our selfish reactions. Masturbation in the situation you describe here is little more than a short-term escape valve from your troubles. Instead, I would challenge you to do the hard thing, and go after the root of the problem instead – your lack of intimacy with your wife.
Don’t just go masturbate and give up on your wife. Your marital intimacy is the very key to your eternal salvation. Try something new, until something works, or until you’ve exhausted every possible way of getting through to her. Take 100% responsibility for your sex life and you won’t regret the results. At least once spouse fully committed and invoking the Lord's help can work wonders to save a marriage.
[1] Duhigg, Charles, The Power of Habit (2014, ch.2)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)