LDS Doctrine or Cultural Myth? Sex is for making children only

Is sex in marriage for procreation only, and doesn’t need to be continued once all your children are born?

Answer: Cultural Myth

I’ve come across many members of the Church of Jesus Christ who have let their sex life die out of neglect, or purposefully stamped it out, after their children were born. This is a serious mistake to make in regards to the health and wholeness of an eternal marriage relationship, and is not supported by the doctrine of the apostles and prophets, old or new.

“It is the destiny of men and women to join together to make eternal family units. In the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely approved. There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join in the process of creation and in an expression of love.”~ Spencer W. Kimball, The Lord’s Plan for Men and Women, Ensign, Oct. 1974, emphasis added

“Physical intimacy between husband and wife is beautiful and sacred. It is ordained of God for the creation of children and for the expression of love between husband and wife. God has commanded that sexual intimacy be reserved for marriage.”~Sexual Purity," For the Strength of Youth: Fulfilling Our Duty to God, (2001), emphasis added

"Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles explained the purposes of physical intimacy in marriage: "Within the enduring covenant of marriage, the Lord permits husband and wife the expression of the sacred procreative powers in all their loveliness and beauty within the bounds He has set.

One purpose of this private, sacred, intimate experience is to provide the physical bodies for the spirits Father in Heaven wants to experience mortality.

Another reason for these powerful and beautiful feelings of love is to bind husband and wife together in loyalty, fidelity, consideration of each other, and common purpose.' " ~ Marriage and Family Relations (2000, 15)

"True marital intimacy involves the whole soul of each spouse. It is the uniting of the body AND the spirit of the husband with the body AND the spirit of his wife.

That ‘soul-full’ union represents just how united a husband and wife are in all areas of their lives. They work together as partners, they pray, play, struggle, grow and enjoy life together. They sacrifice for each other, and encourage each other to be all they were born to be.

My dear brothers and sisters, marital intimacy is sacred. In fact, a husband and wife can be drawn closer to God when joined in true marital intimacy." ~ Wendy Watson Nelson, Love and Marriage,Worldwide Devotional for Young Adults , January 8, 2017

The belief that sex is for procreation only, and should or will someday be eradicated entirely originates with the early Catholic beliefs that:

• the body is evil
• the day will come that we will be freed from our body and all these earthly desires, and
• we must discipline ourselves to not give in to any bodily desires under any circumstances if we are to obtain perfection or an eternal life with God.

These ideas are not doctrine of the Lord's Church. (For more information, see my article on “The Sexual Spectrum”)

Sex in marriage is good for much more than having children, though the function of procreation is truly important. It helps us (and peripherally, our children and grandchildren) to become more like our Heavenly Father.

“The lawful association of the sexes is ordained of God, not only for the sole means of race perpetuation, but for the development of the higher faculties and nobler traits of human nature, which the love-inspired companionship of man and woman alone can insure.” – Joseph F. Smith, as quoted in The Eternal Marriage Student Manual, p. 139, emphasis added

We don’t get the benefits of eternal marriage by simply pretending to be happily married while our husband or wife is miserable because they’re not getting any sexual intimacy. We must choose the path of happiness every day and go to work on it (2 Nephi 5:27). This includes sex with our spouse – for all of our married life; not just during the childbearing years.

If having sex in marriage is a miserable experience, only done out of duty, only for him/her but your sex/affection/intimacy has been hung out dry, something you view as sinful or look at with a feeling of dread - you're both doing it wrong.

Satan knows that if he can sour the sexual intimacy of a marriage and put a wedge between you, he is only a step away from destroying another eternal marriage. Marital intimacy is intended to be used as a tool to act as a balm to soothe the strait and sometimes difficult path of marriage.

The Lord wants children to be brought into the world of a loving marriage, not at the expense of it as some selfishly do. Recently, one of my managers confided in me that she never wanted to get married and have children, but at a certain stage in her life she began to realize her mistake and felt unfulfilled. She then told her husband that she didn't get married for him or have the child for him, but only to satisfy that part of herself that felt unfulfilled. This was a woman who is not a member of the Church, nor had the understanding of the role a happy marriage plays in the eternal plan of Jesus Christ and Father in Heaven. 

If it is intended to not only unify, but create a loving relationship that wants to be together for eternity, isn't it then worth it to take the time to learn how to do it right? To discuss with our spouse how they define sex and help them to feel loved and fulfilled? 

Reader Question: Where is Eternal Marriage in the Bible?

I have received many questions on this same topic, so I felt it might be helpful to answer this reader’s question as an article:

Question: I am curious.. Where does the concept of the "eternal marriage" come from when it's obviously not from the scriptures of the Bible, since Christ explicitly implies the opposite in Matthew and the gospels stating "For in the Resurrection of the just the dead neither MARRY NOR ARE GIVEN IN MARRIAGE but are instead AS THE ANGELS (meaning sexless and unmarried LIKE the angels)?
The Apostle Paul also clearly states (when he is speaking regarding the future of "The Body of Christ") that there is no Jew nor Gentile, nor MALE NOR FEMALE in Christ, that they are ALL ONE!? I do understand what time frame Paul is talking about is regarding the consummation at the end of the future eon when quote "all things in heaven and earth will be gathered back under Christ's headship and then turned over to God the Father," because Paul and (Jesus Christ Himself) also talks about husband/wife relationships & Jews/Gentiles while "on the earth," yet he is clear these earthly/fleshly offices are abolished in the final eon.
Curious how the LDS doctrine of "eternal marriage" is supported by scripture from your viewpoint. Thanks for your time! 

~ John

Dear John March 8^th,

Thank you very much for reading and for your question.

You are absolutely correct. The Bible does not specifically talk about “eternal marriage.” I do believe the Bible to be the word of God and a very precious piece of scripture; however it is only one point of doctrine. This is why I don’t rely only on the Bible.

Matthew 22:30, the first scripture reference you mention, is a perfect example of this. If you read only this scripture alone, without cross-reference to other scriptures, or if you separate the verse from the others in the chapter, it’s pretty easy to come up with creative interpretations of what it means.

The Sadducees, who did not believe in resurrection and who were trying to trick Jesus into making a doctrinal mistake, gave Jesus a question about a man who died, leaving his wife childless. The man’s brother married the wife to raise up children to the Lord as the Mosaic law required, and then also died. She then married all the rest of his seven brothers, who each died in turn.

Their question to him was, ‘Who was going to be her husband in eternity?’

Jesus’ answer was that their marriages were not made by the proper authority, thus all of their marriages were no longer in force when they were dead. We don’t believe that this scripture refers to everyone’s state, but the state of those who marry outside of the Lord’s authority.

‘But it doesn’t specifically say that’ you say? That’s where cross-referencing scriptures becomes critical in order to determine true meaning.[i]

It’s part of our doctrine in the LDS Church that the priesthood authority given to Peter and the promise that ‘whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven’[ii] refers to marriage, not only for the duration of mortality, but forever. That authority was restored to the earth through a visitation of Peter, James and John to the prophet Joseph Smith Jr. That priesthood power still exists on the earth today.

If a couple is married civilly, or by someone with authority from a college or another official body of men recognized by a legal authority, that couple is married until ‘death do they part’, but the legal body that performs the marriage does not have the authority to be legally recognized after death.

Marriage after this life would also be denied to those who have the opportunity to be married by the Lord’s priesthood authority in this life, but instead procrastinate or reject that opportunity. This, we believe, is what Jesus’ answer meant. [iii]

The second scripture that you referenced, which is Galatians 3:28, does not refer to marriage or a future time at all. It refers to equality in the Lord’s church (which is the ‘body of Christ’), and how everyone who comes and joins the Lord’s church holds equal importance in His eyes, according to our doctrine.

But this is my point…many of the verses in the Bible are so vague that they could be interpreted many different ways, and they usually are.

For example, I could use the following Bible scriptures to support my teachings about eternal marriage:

• Eccl 3:14 (refers to God’s authority being in effect in this life and the life to come)
• Matt 16:19 (God can give the authority to make a marriage last after this life),
• 1 Cor 11:11 (telling of the necessity for marriage in order for a man and woman to be exalted to God’s life)
• Eph 5:31 (regarding the commandment to marry)
• Matt 19:6 (when a man and woman marry, they are one family unit before the Lord, and should not be separated)
• 1 Cor 7:2 (this talks about the Lord’s law of chastity outside of marriage, and the necessity to marry to avoid fornication, which violates this law)
• 1 Tim 4:3 (marriage is part of God’s eternal plan – God doesn’t think in two-dimensional mortal terms, he thinks beyond mortality)  

However, a minister from another church could use these very same verses to support a completely different perspective.

In 2012, the then Elder Tad R. Callister of the Presidency of the Seventy talked about this:

“…why is the Book of Mormon so essential if we already have the Bible to teach us about Jesus Christ? Have you ever wondered why there are so many Christian churches in the world today when they obtain their doctrines from essentially the same Bible? It is because they interpret the Bible differently.

If they interpreted it the same, they would be the same church. This is not a condition the Lord desires, for the Apostle Paul declared that there is “one Lord, one faith, one baptism.” [iv] To help bring this oneness about, the Lord established a divine law of witnesses. Paul taught, “In the mouth of two or three witnesses shall every word be established.”[v]

The Bible is one witness of Jesus Christ; the Book of Mormon is another. Why is this second witness so crucial?

The following illustration may help: How many straight lines can you draw through a single point on a piece of paper? The answer is infinite. For a moment, suppose that single point represents the Bible and that hundreds of those straight lines drawn through that point represent different interpretations of the Bible and that each of those interpretations represents a different church.

What happens, however, if on that piece of paper there is a second point representing the Book of Mormon? How many straight lines could you draw between these two reference points: the Bible and the Book of Mormon? Only one. Only one interpretation of Christ’s doctrines survives the testimony of these two witnesses.

Again and again the Book of Mormon acts as a confirming, clarifying, unifying witness of the doctrines taught in the Bible so that there is only “one Lord, one faith, one baptism.” [vi]

In the 1800’s, the religious revivals in the New England area demonstrated how the Bible could support many different churches and beliefs. It was for this reason a 14-year-old boy from that era named Joseph Smith, Jr. went into a grove of trees to ask God which of all the churches he should join. God answered Joseph’s prayer as promised when he read James 1:5. [vii]

Even though he wasn’t perfect and made human errors, it was because of that boy’s faith and that prayer that we now have additional scripture and a living prophet today.

If I only had the Bible to refer to, I absolutely could not teach the doctrine of eternal marriage. When you have two or more scriptures supporting the same principle, it helps solidify that principle as a truth you can trust to follow.

I also believe in and use the Book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants, The Pearl of Great Price, and the teachings of living modern-day prophets who have authority directly from God to speak for him.

Section 131 and 132 in the Doctrine and Covenants talk about what God’s plan is for us in regards to marriage. It also cross-references with the Bible and Book of Mormon to demonstrate that the policy surrounding eternal marriage is what was intended in those verses.

If you don’t believe that these are true scriptures and are unwilling to find out for yourself if these scripture are truth and that our prophets are the real deal, then anything I say, do, or share with you here is irrelevant.

There are plenty of ministers, therapists and Christian marriage counselors out there who will be willing to teach you only from the Bible. I’m here because there are many who do believe these additional scriptures are true and that we have a living prophet today. I’m here to provide a place to discuss how these beliefs and scriptures can help us understand and enhance our intimacy with our spouses, and help us get in the habit of living like our marriages will last forever. We do believe they can.

Anyone is welcome here. However, please understand that my articles and discussions here are intended for the members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and those that also believe these additional scriptures are the word of God.

I hope that you will stay curious; curiosity is great. I am always here to answer any questions about LDS marriage and married sexuality that you may have.

Sincerely,

Sam Zaragoza (Coach Sam)

LDS Marital Intimacy Coach

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[i] See Matthew 18:16 “…in the mouth of two or three witnesses (in this case, two or more scriptures) shall every word be established.”

[ii] Matthew16:19

[iii] Doctrine and Covenants section 131 and 132

[iv] Ephesians 4:5

[v] 2 Corinthians 13:1

[vi] Callister, Tad R., Oct 2012 General Conference, The Book of Mormon, A Book From God

[vii]  Joseph Smith History Ch. 1:11-19

Understanding Your Spouse’s Sexual Love Language

WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred sexual nature and is intended for married couples only. Reader discretion is advised.

“How forcible are right words…” – Job 6:25

All of us have a preferred way of experiencing and expressing life and love. Do you know yours? How about your spouse’s?

Some are more visual than others. This means they learn better through seeing. They receive reassurance by being shown, and are sexually stimulated visually first. Arousal comes from seeing you undress, or doing an erotic dance, or doing sexual things to them while they look in a mirror or watch you.

Some are auditory. This means they relate best through hearing. They receive reassurance by being told and talked to. They are also sexually stimulated by being spoken to and/or hearing sounds that they associate with being aroused. These can be sounds of being told how attractive they are, sounds associated with sex, romantic music, or just being talked to or with - hearing your voice.

Others are more kinesthetic by nature. These personalities need to touch. They receive reassurance through being held, or touched in some non-sexual way. They are also stimulated toward sexuality best through touch. They may consider their spouse stroking their genitals or other sexually erogenous part of their body as a romantic gesture.

Be aware that not everyone is exclusively one or the other. Most of us probably balance between two or more. But, chances are you will find they still lean towards one mode over the others.

How to determine which one your spouse leans towards:

Here is an easy test - based upon Gestalt therapy that was pioneered by Fritz Perls.(This one can be easily Googled)

Ask your spouse what they remember about when you first met, or what they remember about your last sexually intimate encounter.

If they mostly look up while they are thinking, they are probably visual. If they mostly look to the side, they might be mostly auditory, and if they mostly look down while thinking, they could be primarily kinesthetic.

Once you determine your and your spouse’s particular ways of relating to others, you can experiment in ways to communicate with them that are deeper and more meaningful to them, and they with you.

For example: If they are visual, relate in terms of sight. Use phrases such as “I see what you mean” or “Let me show you what I would like you to do for me.”

If they are auditory, relate in terms of sound. Vary the tone of your voice to make it more pleasing. Use phrases such as “I hear what you’re saying” or “Let me tell you about this fantasy I have.”

If they are kinesthetic, they will prefer to experience touch or emotion first when relating to you. They may prefer you to relate in terms of feeling when you talk to them.

If they seem to be having a hard time understanding what you are trying to explain to them, you could say “I can feel how frustrated this must make you.” Or, if you are an auditory person and they talk the way you like to hear, you could say “I feel loved when you talk to me that way.”

“But to do good and to communicate forget not: for with such sacrifices God is well pleased.” – Hebrews 13:16

Creating good communication with your spouse can sometimes be a personal sacrifice. It means going out of your comfort zone to help them feel loved and cared for. Our marriages will grow and improve when we take the time and effort to make such a sacrifice. But, I believe God is pleased with our efforts, no matter how small they may be in the beginning.

Try this out with your spouse, and then let me know how it went. I would love to hear about your experiences.

Marriage - Playing By the Rules

“The Apostle Paul likened life to a race. To the Hebrews he urged, ‘Let us lay aside … the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us.

In our zeal, let us not overlook the sage counsel from Ecclesiastes: ‘The race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong.’ Actually, the prize belongs to him or her who endures to the end.”[1]

Over twenty years of marriage has taught me that happiness in marriage is contingent upon putting all the principles of the gospel into practice. Marriage was created by God with Adam and Eve, and can only thrive when it’s done in the manner He has laid out.

It’s His game, and He made the rules. We choose either to play by the rules, or we’re playing at something else that won't be as joyful and can often predictably lead to one or both players quitting.

As we have passed through time, my wife and I have observed ourselves and our brothers and sisters and many of our friends begin their marriages with lots of excitement and anticipation. This is limerance in action [2], and it can be a good thing. Limerance is the initial chemical reaction that gives a marriage its first exciting burst of energy to get together and get things started.

Then, months or sometimes even years later, these same hopeful relationships explode, injuring or destroying everyone involved. Often the reasons given as to why the relationship ended (immorality, finances, anger, irreconcilable differences) aren’t the whole story.

The world of marriage can be like a minefield with a safe path down the middle.  Finding that safer path is not rocket science. The safe path is following the plain and simple principles found in the gospel. Principles such as faith, repentance, forgiveness, charity, prayer, making and keeping covenants, sexual and emotional fidelity with our spouse and sexual abstinence with those outside of our marriage covenant, etc...

You don’t have to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints to have a happy and successful marriage relationship in this life, but it’s in the gospel where we gain awareness of what it takes to accomplish that, and where we gain access to powerful tools that ensure a marriage's success in this life and the next.

If marriage is only "'til death do us part", and our perspective is that everything ends with this mortal existence, the thoughts of  "what do I do if my spouse dies";  "do I really want to spend my life with this person with the limited time I have left on this earth" will inevitably creep in and haunt the marriage.

It is only in the Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter-Day Saints, where the Lord’s priesthood authority resides, there is a hope of extending relationships (with those we love) beyond our temporal existence. This makes a huge difference in how we view and care for our marriage relationships.

If Marriage is a Game, These are the Rules…

When we follow the path God has laid out for marriage, utilizing such principles as:

• Faith in God, in our spouse and in His plan for his children
• Repentance when we hurt our spouse (not if, but when),
• Charity and service to our spouse and allowing our spouse to serve us,
• Forgiveness when our spouse hurts us (not if, but when),
• Facing and moving through fears and insecurities,
• Moral cleanliness which saves our strength for our marriage relationship,
• Temple marriage for time and eternity,
• Humility to allow us to forgive and be forgiven,
• Long-suffering in enduring inevitable challenges,
• Cleaving physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally to your spouse and none else,
• Leaving parents to live in and create a separate home with our spouse
• Hope that life gets better than it might be now,
• Kindness in and out of the bedroom, 
• Learning to appropriately process and express our anger as slowly as possible [2.5]
• Bridling our sexual and emotional desires with those we are not married to.
• Loving and caring for ourselves and the body God gave us
• Love expressed verbally, physically, and frequently, 
• Regular date nights (several general authorities have spoken on this)
• Standing in holy places so the Lord and our spouse can help us stay on the path,
• Not standing in unholy places so the Lord and our spouse can trust us,
• Scripture study to better understand the rules and to receive personal revelation to improve our marriage game strategy for ourselves and our family,
• Family home evening which strengthens family bonds,
• Daily prayer which anchors us to the Lord,
• and so on…

…then our marriages will pass safely through time and into the next life. They develop the habits that enable our marriages to grow and thrive, now and forever.

“I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say, but when ye do not what I say…”[3]

It’s when a couple holds to a temporal perspective, or they find such a path too boring, inconvenient, or restrictive, they then stray from the path by:

• Living together before marriage, not trusting themselves to grow together sexually,
• Engaging in intimacies before marriage that program mind and body to reduce inhibitions regarding extramarital sex,
• Loathing, abusing our bodies or avoiding sexual intimacy with our spouse because our body may not meet our or cultural expectations.
• Getting married outside of the temple and risking loss of essential eternal family links,
• Having children before marriage and depriving those children of their rights and complete parental influences[4],
• Committing adultery and dealing near-fatal spiritual wounds to all involved parties,
• Harboring pride that prevents forgiveness and the Atonement’s healing,
• Keeping secrets that prevent our spouse from knowing us and helping us to overcome our struggles and weaknesses,
• Expressing selfishness that shrivels our souls, our sexuality and our progression,
• Creating proximity separations (mental, physical or emotional) that strangle and weaken marital bonds and increase temptation to sin,
• Married and living together but trying to live separate lives like roommates
• One or both harboring the belief that they will stay together but keep themselves open for the day when one or both changes and it's time to move on and give someone else a turn
• Forcing silence that starves our spouse and marriage from life-giving intimacy,
• Holding grudges that bring daily pain to ourselves, and alienate our spouse
• Exercising coercion that prevents growth and thwarts intimacy and love,
• and so on…

These other paths and rules lead to stepping on emotional mines. These mines blow up marriages entirely, or cause people to live in mutilated, unhappy or dysfunctional quasi-marriage relationships.

“If you have made no mistakes, then you do not need the Atonement. If you have made mistakes, and all of us have, whether minor or serious, then you have an enormous need to find out how they can be erased so that you are no longer in darkness.

“Jesus Christ is the light and the life of the world.  As we fix our gaze on His teachings, we will be guided to…spiritual safety.”[5]

But what if our mortal weaknesses pull us from the safe path despite our best efforts? What if we find a mine, and we become wounded in some way through our actions or our spouse’s?

The Lord provides a built-in way back onto the safe path. It’s called repentance and forgiveness, through the Lord’s Atonement.

If we stray from the path, as long as we both repent, exercise humility, and get back in the game and play by the Lord’s rules, our marriages can ultimately endure the test of time and eternity. As long as both spouses are trying, and willing to forgive, we become saviors to each other by helping each other overcome weaknesses and work toward spiritual perfection - a task that neither spouse will attain in this life, but who have faith to keep trying.

Even if only one spouse decides to play by the rules, the entire situation can improve greatly for all. If our current relationship explodes despite our best efforts, playing by the Lord’s rules can protect us individually from permanent harm. It can keep us from perpetuating bad marital habits, and help us to find future marital success later with a spouse who also plays by the rules. If the Lord is the third member of our marriage covenant, he will give comfort and not stray, even if our spouse does. We will be judged by how well we individually keep our marriage covenant, not by how well our spouse does their part.

A blessing of being in the restored Church of Jesus Christ is that it reminds us frequently of the Lord’s eternal perspective. Having a marriage built upon the principles of the gospel has given us so much more to marriage than ‘til death us do part’. Over two decades of marriage for me has been a drop in the bucket of eternity. What I discovered is that (as long as both of us are working at it) along with the marital growing pains, there has been a joy, and peace, and a hope for fairer playing weather tomorrow that the gospel brings.

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[1] Thomas Monson, “The Race of Life”, Ensign, May 2012

[2] The concept of limerance is explained in Joe Beam’s blog, “Choosing Between Lover or Spouse” in greater detail: https://marriagehelper.com/choosing-lover-spouse/

[2.5] See Gordon B. Hinckley's talk, 'Slow to Anger': https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2007/10/slow-to-anger?lang=eng 

[3] Doctrine & Covenants 82:10

[4] See Part II of “Protect the Children”, Dallin H. Oaks, Ensign, November 2012: http://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/general-conference/2012/10/protect-the-children?lang=eng&media=audio

[5] Boyd K. Packer, “The Atonement”, Ensign, November 2012, emphasis added

Reader Question: Mormons, Masturbation, and Maternity

 WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred sexual nature and is intended for married couples only. Reader discretion is advised.

Anonymous said...

I have a question....I am a new convert to the church. (my wife was born into it) Ive been a member for almost a year and my wife and I are planning to seal in the temple next month. 

My wife is 5 months pregnant. 2 months after we married we conceived a child.She is now 5 months pregnant. 

During courtship we were often very affectionate and close however we maintained the law of chastity. After marriage for the first couple of months our love life and sex life was great and then we conceived a child. 

She is now 5 months pregnant and she doesnt want anything to do with me in the form of any intimacy. I am trying to be supportive and I know she is uncomfortable, often tired and she doesn't feel good. I also know she is self cautious of the changed in her body to a small extent. 

I have expressed to her both a physical and emotional need to make love to her but she ends up feeling guilty when she turns me down. I try and remain patient but sometimes get frustrated. I want to put her first and I love her so much. 

I try and show support and be patient and try my best to help her to feel beautiful and let her know these things in more ways than one. I find lately a lot of tension building up in the fact that we have a lack of intimacy and there is no release for me. 

Is masturbation in this case considered a sin? I know it won't fulfill my full needs because it is without her and it will feel as if something is missing. Most of all I have a desire to feel connected and close to her. 

I have two young boys from a previous marriage that ended due to infidelity (on the wife's part) and she has a child she brought into the marriage too so it is added pressure and stress on her - it isn't as if she just gets to lay around and do nothing all day. 

She is a great mom and wife all around. I just want to be the best husband I can for her and put her needs first...but lately my sexual frustrations are getting the best of me. 

Dear Anon Dec. 28

Thank you for your question and for reading. Congratulations on your marriage, expected child and sealing in the temple. I also commend you both for trying to be thoughtful of each other’s needs at this challenging time in your lives.  That gives me a lot of hope for the both of you.

Is masturbation a sin in marriage from a gospel perspective? That depends. When it comes to masturbation in marriage, we really don’t get into the realm of “sin” against God and/or your spouse until we are talking about solo masturbation. This article by Laura M. Brotherson has some helpful ideas for husbands with a wife who is struggling sexually called "Help for Husbands Stranded in the Sexual Desert": 

As I mentioned in my previous articles, masturbation only becomes a problem in marriage when you do it alone and/or without your spouse’s knowledge and consent. Sex is intended to bond a couple together in marriage. If you are masturbating alone, you’re not bonding with anyone but yourself. It often tends to come back later with negative consequences to the relationship.

What can happen is that you start training the brain to prefer masturbating over vaginal intercourse. Repeating an activity over and over again with dopamine reinforcement programs the brain to associate sex with that activity. Arousal for intercourse can grow more difficult if masturbation is done over a long period of time. Neurons that fire together tend to wire together, making it into a regular habit.

A lot of what we do is habit-oriented…tasks such as driving, brushing our teeth, etc. Over time, these activities get easier, and we think less and less about the details involved. Our brain’s natural tendency is to find the quickest and most efficient solution to any circumstance we encounter regularly. Sex is no different. We develop sexual habits over time.

In the ganglion, our brains stores information of repeated activities that we do. This gives the brain a more direct route to action, so we don’t have to think as much about a task. These habits consist of cues that run the habit routine, which gives us the reward we seek. (For more interesting insights on how habits are formed and broken, try Duhigg, Charles. The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do In Life and Business. Random House, NY. 2012)

If we apply this to your situation…if the reward you’re seeking is sexual release…and the cue is when your wife refuses to have sex with you…then every time she says no, you go and masturbate, and your logical mind says that this will solve the problem.

Each time you receive the cue to have a sexual release, you go masturbate. Your ganglion stores that routine as a habit, until you reach the point that your brain associates sex with masturbating, and not so much with having sex with your wife. Over time, your efficient brain begins to tell you that there is no reward for having sex with your wife, or even attempting to do so, since there is pain in the rejection.

You stop approaching her, and simply take care of yourself, leaving her feeling disconnected and lonely, wondering why you don’t want to be intimate with her. You don’t talk about sex, because it’s emotionally painful. Sometimes masturbation may become augmented with pornography for a greater rush, and then the spiritual and psychological problems only grow from there.

Lack of intimacy may actually turn out to be the root of your challenge. Men and women die without intimacy with another human being. People have affairs because they’re starving for intimacy. They want another person to know them deeply, to care whether or not they’re alive or dead, and to tell them they’re loved. No one dies from lack of ejaculation.

Avoiding coercion and cultivating good communication about sex is really your best tool in the long run to meet each other’s intimate needs. This is especially true during periods of difficulty such as pregnancy and young parenthood. Problems tend to develop when the couple stops talking and expect the other to read their minds. Men and women don’t always think the same, and they need to verbalize what they’re thinking and restate for understanding in order to keep connected to each other. My article on avoiding gender prejudice may help in this case 

Masturbation, under some circumstances, can help when you’re going through a period where sex is not possible - either mutual masturbation or solo masturbation with the spouse's knowledge and consent. But pregnancy doesn’t have to mean going sexless for months. On the contrary, there are a multitude of positive health reasons to continue having intercourse during pregnancy, if you both feel up to it.

I don’t know any more about your situation than what you’ve already shared, so I’m including some tips here for you to consider. Some may apply to you, and some might not. Feel free to use or discard any of these as you choose:

• Your wife may be under the belief that sex will harm the baby, but this is unwarranted as long as her pregnancy is normal. In fact, sex during pregnancy can actually strengthen the uterine and vaginal muscles, which can help your wife to tolerate delivery better. The hormones in your semen can help keep the cervix soft and may also help during dilation of the cervix during delivery. This is according to Dr. Robert Bradley, who founded the Bradley Method of childbirth .

• When she has her next prenatal visit, ask the doctor or nurse if there is any reason why she should not have sex. If she is healthy and not at risk of going into early labor, this may help alleviate some of her concerns. She may have fears that were instilled in her from her parents or friends. Talk to her to find out what her beliefs about sex during pregnancy are. This article from the Mayo Clinic website may help to spark some conversation.

• Discuss with each other what you both might enjoy doing. Help her to understand that sex is something that will keep you feeling close to her and strengthen your relationship. Having young children and infants around is the hardest time to have sex, but sex needs to continue through this period in order to be good later in life as well…and it does get better with continued practice.

• Pregnancy and caring for small children is absolutely exhausting. Ask her what would help her to have the energy to have sex with you. Does she need a nap? Does she need a relaxing shower? A gentle foot rub and some adult conversation? Does she need time to think, or just be alone for a little while? Find out what you can do to give her a break to have time for her, to get some rest, and to mentally prepare herself for sexual intimacy.

• If sex is painful for her because of dryness, try using a sex specific lube such as Astroglide or KY jelly to make things more comfortable for you both.

• Experiment with positions where she can lie down and you are not lying on top of her, or her on you if the extra weight is uncomfortable. The spooning position would likely be a comfortable position for you both. You may also want to try a variation of the scissored flagpole found in the link below while your wife lay on her side while you (in an upright position) enter her while she lays on her side, puts her bottom leg down and raises her top knee toward her chest. There are lots of other positions to try. Find something comfortable for you both. Here’s a link to a website of different positions that use CGI models . Best to view this one together, as the drawn figures are anatomically correct. Another tool to help with helping her be more comfortable in certain positions is using a large wedge pillow like this one:
  

• If intercourse is out of the question, there are different ways she can sexually stimulate you manually, and you her. Sacred sexual intimacy doesn’t always require intercourse. The point of intimacy is to get emotionally and physically close. Cuddling and pillow talk can increase intimacy. Mutual caresses and massages count, and create intimate feelings. Mutual masturbation is an option. Oral sex or using a vibrator is an option if she’s open to the idea and can’t have sex for a time. Taking a bath or shower would be appropriate for some sex play that wouldn’t involve intercourse, and could help her further develop her desire to be sexually intimate.

• Allow her to serve you. Be a gracious receiver – even if she is not technically very good at first. Don’t get impatient. She doesn’t have a penis of her own, and most likely has little idea what you feel sexually, or how you want your penis stroked.  Gently and lovingly show her how you prefer to be touched, and tell her how good she makes you feel. Don’t tell her she’s doing it wrong, but redirect her to something that makes you feel good, and tell her what she’s doing right.

• Have you considered the use of a vibrator? Vibrators are not sinful as long as you both agree to their use, and are respectful of each other’s feelings and bodies. If she uses a vibrator on you, that would be an easy way for her to bring you to orgasm without wearing out her arms or mouth. Because of the upper body strength and stamina needed to masturbate you, she may not be very good, or have the energy, or may become frustrated easily when she’s trying to please you. This can especially be the case when she’s pregnant and tired.

• She sounds like she wants to accommodate you because she loves you. Talking to her is the best way you can show you care and will help her to be more open to you sexually. Talking with her about sex is also a turn-on, because it stimulates curiosity. If she allows you, let her know you will take it slow and be prepared to stop if she expresses discomfort. You can then troubleshoot from there to try and identify what is causing her discomfort and make adjustments. Love can find a way. 

• Abstinence is also an option, but be careful not to hang each other out to dry sexually. No one has died from failure to ejaculate, but she does need to know (gently and lovingly tell her) that going sexless for many months to years will sabotage your marital intimacy. Few men and women get married to be celibate, and going without sex can become a maritally destructive habit. For short periods (short being a month or less), abstaining from sex for a time can increase your desire for each other and keep the passion fresh when you are both physically able to have sex again.

Let me know if you have any additional questions. I’m glad to help you troubleshoot anything standing in the way of a happy and healthy sex life. As endowed members of the Lord’s Church, it’s not only possible to have great sex, but a successful sexual relationship is what God wants for us. Developing a marriage you want to keep for eternity is always worth it.

Giving and Receiving The Gift of Sex

Each and every time, marital intimacy (which includes sex) is a gift our spouse gives to us from the deepest part of who they are.

Can we give that gift with joy and gladness and expect nothing in return? Of is it treated as a superficial "duty" or obligation? (Moroni 7:8)

In what ways can we better receive that gift so that the giver feels it is received with joy, gratitude and gladness? 
 
"As we get older...our ability to receive gifts with the same enthusiasm and grace seems to diminish. Sometimes people even get to the point where they can’t receive a gift or, for that matter, even a compliment without embarrassment or feelings of indebtedness.

They mistakenly think that the only acceptable way to respond to receiving a gift is by giving back something of even greater value.

Others simply fail to see the significance of a gift—focusing only on its outward appearance or its value and ignoring the deep meaning it has to the sincere giver...

...At Christmastime we talk a lot about giving, and we all know that “it is more blessed to give than to receive,” but I wonder if sometimes we disregard or even disparage the importance of being a good receiver."

~ Pres. Dieter F. Uchtdorf, 2012 Christmas Devotional, The Good and Grateful Receiver

Sex in Marriage - Carnal, Sensual, and Devilish...?

Here’s a comment from one of my readers. My answer ended up being too long to post in the comments section, so I’m posting it here. I look forward to your thoughtful and constructive comments, and please, state your references! J

“Many scriptures (Moses 5:13, Alma 42:10, D&C 20:20) put "carnal" (pertaining to the passions and appetites of the flesh) and "sensual" (pertaining to the gratification of the senses and physical, especially sexual, pleasure) together with "devilish" (having the qualities of the devil).

So these scriptures would seem to indicate that sexual pleasure (in or out of marriage) makes us more like the devil. Don't see any way that can be wholesome.”

Thank you for your comment Anon Dec. 20 and for reading.

I can empathize with your concern. Fortunately, we have a modern-day prophet to give us clarification of the scriptures pertaining to sex and sexuality.

The belief that sex is evil and devilish inside of the bonds of marriage is a puritanical belief system constructed by early Catholic leaders such as Augustine and St. Ambrose. (Please see http://eternalmarriagebed.blogspot.com/2010/09/brief-history-of-sex.html)

Unfortunately, too many still hold onto this sub-cultural belief in the membership of the LDS Church, in spite of what living modern-day prophets have taught us.

“The lawful association of the sexes is ordained of God, not only as the sole means of race perpetuation, but for the development of the higher faculties and nobler traits of human nature [a wholesome result from married sexual activity], which the love-inspired companionship of man and woman alone can insure.”

~ Pres. Joseph F. Smith, Improvement Era, June 1917, pg. 739, parentheses added

“ In the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely approved. There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join in the process of creation and in an expression of love”

~ Pres. Spencer W. Kimball, Eternal Marriage, pg. 139

This is a bogus dilemma really, because the terms you have chosen do not always mean the same thing in every context. For what you said to be true, words such as sensual, or natural, or unnatural would have to mean the same thing all the time…and they just don’t.

As stated above, sensuality is wholesome in the context of marriage, but not outside of the context of marriage.

The context of ‘sensual’ and ‘carnal’ you are referring to are doing things that are “holy” outside of the bounds and conditions the Lord has set to keep them “holy”. When we do sexual activities outside of marriage, we are communicating that we believe these ‘holy’ things are nothing more than ordinary bodily desires and functions.

When I did my research into the term “natural”, I learned that there are many such terms that take on multiple meanings and must be understood in the context they were given. For example:

The natural man is an enemy to God (Moses 3:19), but men engaging in things “unnatural” is also considered unfavorable (2 Tim 3 :1-3); except when it’s considered favorable (Alma 41:12).

It’s all a matter of context. Take Moses 5:13 that you shared. The term “carnal” (if you look in the Topical Guide) shows it was referring to those not spiritually reborn yet.

In a marriage ceremony we make covenants to multiply and replenish the earth. That requires sex. To make the covenants, we first must be baptized, become spiritually reborn and keep the commandments. It would be a contradiction to then consider sex in marriage and under that covenant “unholy or carnal”.

Sex outside of marriage would be a counterfeit of this; a perversion of that covenant and therefore would be taking a “holy” act and making it profane or unholy or “carnal”.  

When looking at Alma 42:10, we also have to consider verse 9. This talks about the Fall and how we spiritually die when we stop living the commandments of God. Carnal, sensual and devilish here refers to living our life contrary to the teachings of God. Since sex was ordained of God from the beginning of time to today (D&C 42:22), sex in marriage is contrary to a carnal, sensual and devilish state.

Again in D&C 20:20, by transgressing the laws of God, our actions become carnal and sensual and devilish. The Lord is telling us here that he wants us to worship Him through keeping his laws and commandments. Having sex in marriage is a fulfillment of the commandments (again, see D&C 42:22).  When we break these laws we are instead worshiping our senses (the bad kind of 'sensual'), and worshiping the devil instead of God (which is what the word ‘devilish’ refers to here).

Now I realize that, no matter what I say or what evidences I present, some may be more likely to revert to the cultural belief systems that they are habitually accustomed to.

My hope is that no one will use the scriptures to trap themselves unnecessarily, but instead look at the scriptures together with the quotes from modern sources presented here in their full context, take this to the Lord in prayer, and let the Spirit tell them if sex in marriage is holy (or not) and thus wholesome in this context by the standards of the Lord.

Sex in marriage is a wonderful tool that has the power to bring ourselves and our spouses so much joy and create eternal bonds. My goal is to bring light to any false dilemmas that would keep a married couple from enjoying the sexual pleasure that God not only approves of, but wants us to have.

Wholesome Married Sex

At first glance, the two words ‘wholesome sex’ together may seem like an oxymoron, but is it possible to have a wholesome sexual relationship?

Growing up as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I heard the term “wholesome” my whole life. Eat wholesome food, engage in wholesome activities, use wholesome language, and watch wholesome shows…these were some of the phrases that were commonplace in my ward and in my home.

The term even appears in the For the Strength of Youth booklet:

 “How you speak says much about who you are. Clean and intelligent language is evidence of a bright and wholesome mind…”[1]

If you are like me, you hear a lot of this sort of terminology in the church, but took it for granted.

I learned how important it was to take the time to look up these words and understand their meaning when my understanding of the terminology began to conflict with what I believed. I’m finding that some of the intimacy problems I’m seeing in the couples I coach come from their misunderstanding of the meaning of some of these Mormon terms.

The Merriam-Webster dictionary provides the definition of wholesome as “promoting health or well-being of mind or spirit.”

So based upon this definition, is it possible to have “wholesome sexual activity” in your life?

Douglas Brinley, who has a PhD in family studies and is the author of “Between Husband and Wife” recently wrote an Ensign article called “What Happily Married Couples Do” where he said:

“Intimate relations were designed by the Lord as a sacred opportunity to renew marriage covenants, provide therapy, and keep you two in love. It is essential in a stressful world that the two of you enjoy your physical and emotional relationship.

Intimacy is not to be abused. This is your spouse, companion, confidant, lover, and therapist all rolled into one, and you two should enjoy the privilege of sharing your masculine and feminine traits in a wholesome way.

Of course, the relationship must be healthy if this part of the marriage is to be cherished. Intimacy should not be used as a punishment or a weapon to hurt the other spouse or reward “good behavior.” It is also important not to solicit behavior that is offensive to your spouse. Rather, loving, kind interactions facilitate greater unity.”

For greater clarification, let’s break this down.

Does sex promote health of the body, or the well-being of the mind? Let us consider the following from WebMD’s article "10 SurprisingHealth Benefits of Sex:"

Does sex in marriage promote health or well-being of the spirit?

“The expression of our procreative powers is pleasing to God…”[2]

 “…Participation in [sex] offers an experience like nothing else in life. When entered into worthily, it combines the most exquisite and exalted physical, emotional and spiritual feelings associated with the word love. Those feelings and the lifelong need for one another bind a husband and wife together in a marriage wherein all of the attributes of adult masculinity are complemented by the priceless feminine virtues of womanhood.

 That part of life has no equal, no counterpart, in all human experience. It will, when covenants are made and kept, last eternally…”[3]

Can these benefits be obtained outside of marriage? Perhaps for a time when it comes to physical or mental benefits, but even these cannot last long-term.

If you ever question whether or not sex outside of marriage can truly be wholesome, may I suggest reading Mark Gungor’s article, entitled ‘It’s Not Just a Bunny’.

To Mark’s article, I would like to add that, for those who may have already transgressed the law of chastity in some way, that repentance and forgiveness is available to us through the Atonement of our Lord and Savior.

He can take away the pain and regret that we may feel from such sins, but consequences can remain. The physical and mental consequences that Mark Gungor talks about can linger, even after proper repentance. Medical or mental or legal counseling, learning new habits, and/or an additional measure of discipline can be required to manage the fallout from sexual sin.

It is always better not to sin in the first place.

Is sex in marriage a ‘wholesome’ activity? You be the judge.

---

[1] For the Strength of Youth pamphlet, pg. 22

[2] Dallin H. Oaks, Ensign, Nov 1993

[3] Boyd K. Packer, The Fountain of Life, Things of the Soul, pg. 105-17