CTC Night (At Home) -- Wii? Oui!

Are you ready for another fun Continue-the-Courtship night?

This one was submitted by one of my readers, and one I thought was a great idea for young married couples on a tight budget, with small children, or stuck at home.

Too often these are passed up because it's imagined as an immoral activity engaged in by singles. TIME TO TAKE IT BACK as a fun and wholesome activity reserved for married couples.

If you've got a Wii or can borrow one, play strip bowling, strip boxing, strip tennis. Any of the two-player games will do.

Play a round. The winner gets to take an article of clothing off of the loser. Run out of clothes? The winner gets a kiss or... you choose the prize at that point.

Keep it sacred (no one else is invited - and don't post about it on social media). Be sure the kids are asleep or you play it in a room where the door can be locked.

Keep a towel handy as things can get pretty sweaty.

Happy dating!

CTC Night (At Home) -- Scare Your Clothes Off!

October has arrived and it's time to get geared up for some fun fall activities - including Halloween.

Time to break out your favorite Halloween films.

For tonight's date night idea, lock yourselves away in your room, turn the lights off, and watch your favorite holiday movie together...sans clothing.

Snacks are optional, but (if you've put the kids to bed early or put on their favorite Halloween movie) keep a robe handy in case you need to check on them.

If you're both mentally prepared for something to go wrong, it makes it easier to relax and enjoy your two hours together - alone.

Happy Dating!

MASTURBATION: What Is The Correct Definition?

One of my favorite apostles was Elder Richard G. Scott. In my youth, his words guided me through many challenges with morality. As a missionary in Washington D.C., I had the opportunity to thank him for that. I’d like to dedicate this article to him.

While studying for my next test in my marriage and family textbook, I received some new insights on masturbation. I felt it might be helpful to share what I found.

Definitions mean a lot to me as an adult, because as a youth in the church, we were fed a lot of terminology. Words such as ‘wholesome’, ‘worthy’, ‘morality’, ‘impure’, ‘unholy’, ‘unnatural’, ‘masturbation’, etc… were thrown around as though we (the youth) would just know what they meant.

From an LDS cultural perspective, it was pretty unclear to me what exactly constituted masturbation and why we needed to avoid it outside of marriage. It was treated as such a taboo topic  that discussing it aloud was inappropriate. In my household, the topic was something to be breathed in hushed tones and behind closed doors. Mostly due to my parents lack of knowledge in how to discuss talk about sacred things.

Masturbation was stressed on us to avoid, but never discussed if it was ever appropriate in marriage. Even though in marriage, it can play an acceptable role in a husband and wife’s sacred intimate relationship.

What also mystified me were those people, both in and out of the Church, that felt a need to justify masturbation as a ‘natural’ and harmless practice. This grew more puzzling after I had a chance to read and learn from marriage counselors and therapists about the harmful long-term mental, emotional, spiritual, and relationship effects created by solo masturbation and autoeroticism exercised by the unmarried. See my article "Solo Masturbation, A Sexual Relationship?"

In this discussion, to hopefully shed some light on where some of these cultural perspectives come from, I’d like to share with you some of the definitions I found and allow you to decide which definition will best help you in your marriage and your parental tasks of teaching your children about the law of chastity. (for more on this, see my article "The Seven Kinds of Masturbation")

In 1987, Dr. Israel Meizner made the claim in the American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology that he observed fetus’ masturbating with ultrasound. After closer examination, I learned that he observed a fetus gripping its penis or randomly touching the vulva.

I thought about that and questioned “How can you justify that as “masturbation” and then also use this to justify children, teens and singles masturbating?”  

Relying on science as the source of “truth”, many others – including members of the Church – have found themselves frustrated by this, especially when it came time to address it with their children.

While I was studying this week, I came across a passage in my textbook that helped me realize the answer may lie in our definitions.

I have a strong testimony that God the Father and His son Jesus Christ are the only source of truth. A truth with a solid and eternal foundation that I know I can rely on. Whatever I study in college, I purposefully run through the filter and scrutinizing lens of the gospel.

What I discovered is that what was currently taught as scientific truth only remains truth until another degree seeker disproves it or alters the definition. For this reason, if it conflicts with the teachings of the gospel, it’s sifted as chaff and the remaining kernels of knowledge that build and edify eternal families remain.

One justification for masturbation not being a sin is that the word ‘masturbation’ is not found in the Bible. That is true. The word "Masturbation" is not found in the Bible or any of our standard works.

The closest we come is the suggestion of it in the word “lasciviousness” and ‘licentiousness’. Both pertain to the pre-occupation with sex and immoral sexual behavior. Our understanding of masturbation comes from modern-day revelation and teachings, which other churches or secular teachers do not have.

So a common justification for masturbation being a “sin” is the story of Onan . With closer examination of the account, it’s discovered that the sin of Onan had nothing to do with masturbation (as we define it) but rather with breaking his marital covenants and obligations by denying children to his wife and deceased brother.

So when it came to masturbation, this is what I did find.

The term masturbation originated in the nineteenth century. It’s believed to have come from the Latin word masturbari, as a conjugation of the word manus, meaning hand, and the word stuprare, meaning to defile. The word ‘masturbate’ therefore means to “defile the hand” as its first definition. [i]

While I was studying my textbook, I came across this definition:

“Sexual self-pleasuring that involves some form of direct physical stimulation. It may or may not result in orgasm. Masturbation typically includes rubbing, stroking, fondling, squeezing, or otherwise stimulating the genitals. It can also be self-stimulation of other body parts, such as the breasts, the inner thighs, or the anus.”[ii]

I finally understood where Dr. Meizner (mentioned above) obtained his broadened justification for calling his fetus observations ‘masturbation’, because of this definition.

I found this ironic since both the Merriam Webster and Oxford dictionaries do not give this definition.

They define masturbation as:

 “Erotic stimulation especially of one's own genital organs commonly resulting in orgasm and achieved by manual or other bodily contact exclusive of sexual intercourse, by instrumental manipulation, occasionally by sexual fantasies, or by various combinations of these agencies”[iii]

And

“Stimulate one’s own genitals for sexual pleasure.” From the Oxford dictionary.[iv]

This led me to wonder what definition I could find at the Church website. This is the definition I found:

“…When the fluid and sperm fill the tubules and testes, they are automatically released or ejaculated. This usually happens during sleep and is called nocturnal emissions or “wet dreams.” Sexual dreams are not always present, but they can trigger a nocturnal emission or ejaculation. In either case this is not masturbation…

…masturbation is considered by many in the world to be the harmless expression of an instinctive sex drive…the prophets have condemned it as a sin throughout the ages and that they can choose not to do it.

Throughout childhood, boys and girls have touched their own genitals frequently to wash and to dress. This is a behavior that usually has the same meaning as keeping one’s feet warm in the winter, enjoying a swim on a hot day, or scratching an itch.

We ought to be friendly to our bodies and appreciate the body’s marvelous range of senses. This innocent touching is not the kind of behavior warned against by prophets through the ages.

The sin of masturbation occurs when a person stimulates his or her own sex organs for the purpose of sexual arousal. It is a perversion of the body’s passions. When we pervert these passions and intentionally use them for selfish, immoral purposes, we become carnal.”[v]  (emphasis added)

This definition is much narrower than Dr. Meizner’s or the definition found in my textbook.  This makes a "spirit of the law" allowance for washing, stroking, touching, gripping, or scratching our genitals (whether single or married) as not masturbation.

I also understand that when the Church leaders refer to self-stimulation for the purpose of arousing sexual feelings, they are speaking in the context of those who are unmarried. They have not referred to masturbation as being a sin when engaged in as part of the sacred sexual relationship between a husband and wife.

President Kimball, in his book The Miracle of Forgiveness, said this about masturbation:

“Most youth come into contact early with masturbation. Many would-be authorities declare that it is natural and acceptable, and frequently young men I interview cite these advocates to justify their practice of it.

To this we must respond that he world’s norms in many area – drinking, smoking, and sex experience generally to mention only a few – depart increasingly from God’s law. The Church has a different, higher norm.

Thus prophets anciently and today condemn masturbation. It induces feelings of guilt and shame. It is detrimental to spirituality. It indicates slavery to the flesh, not that mastery of it and the growth toward godhood which is the object of our mortal life.

Our modern prophet has indicated that no young man should be called on a mission who is not free from this practice…”[vi]

Boyd K. Packer, in his last talk in 2015, stated, “The only legitimate, authorized expression of the powers of procreation is between husband and wife, a man and a woman, who have been legally and lawfully married. Anything other than this violates the commandments of God. Do not yield to the awful temptations of the adversary, for every debt of transgression must be paid “till thou hast paid the uttermost farthing” (Matthew 5:26).” [vii]

I hope you will find the opportunity to discuss this issue as husband and wife. Hopefully it will help to put each other’s minds at ease about our bodies, and how to discuss this issue with your children when the opportunity arises.

---

[i] Collins Dictionary, http://www.collinsdictionary.com/dictionary/english/masturbate

[ii] Benokraitis, Nijoke V., Marriages and Families, Pearson Education Inc., 2005, 182

[iii] Merriam Webster Online Dictionary, 2015, 1, http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/masturbation

[iv] Oxford Online Dictionary, Oxford University Press, 2015,1, http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/us/definition/american_english/masturbate

[v] LDS.ORG., A Parent’s Guide, 1985, 34-43 (emphasis added)

[vi] Kimball, Spencer W., The Miracle of Forgiveness, Bookcraft,1969, 77

 [vii]  Packer, Boyd K. The Plan of Happiness. Ensign. May 2015.https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/general-conference/2015/04/the-plan-of-happiness?lang=eng

When Sex Hurts

What can a married couple do when they have sex for the first time (or for many years) and find that it hurts?

This seems more of an issue with women than it is with men. With that in mind, I’d like to focus mostly on what the causes (and solutions) of painful sex are for women, to help the wives understand themselves better and the husbands to know better how to help their wives.

Painful sex can feel devastating to a new bride and groom. This is especially true if it leads to a sexless marriage. Fortunately, the issue is addressed by many professionals today, and painful sex is a challenge that can be remedied. Painful sex doesn’t have to damn an eternal marriage to failure.

In my research, three aspects of painful sex - the physical, the spiritual, and the psychological – were apparent. They interconnect with each other in different ways depending on the couple’s individual circumstances.

Physical and Psychological   

Anytime a marital conflict arises that concerns a couple’s inability to have sexual intimacy, the first thing I look for is an underlying medical issue.

Dr. Christiane Northrup says, “…there can be physiological reasons for sexual desire waning, one of which is pain during sex. If sex is painful, it may simply be because of vaginal dryness – which is easily addressed with lubricants. But it can also be due to repressed anger or trauma manifesting as scarring or vaginal adhesions. These can form after inflammation, infection, and surgery.

In the late 1980s, it finally dawned on gynecologists that women with chronic pelvic pain very often had experienced rape or other sexual abuse. Given that every year one in three women on this planet is raped or abused, it’s not surprising that so many women experience pelvic pain and painful sex.”

She recommends for women who are experiencing symptoms such as “pelvic pain, urinary problems, and sexual pain” that they look into manual therapy, in case there are fascial lesions or any kind of internal scarring.   

“You can learn more at www.thebathroomkey.com or www.obgyn-physicaltherapy.com. [Others include] women’s health physical therapist Tami Lynn Kent (www.wildfeminine.com)...Larry and Belinda Wurn (www.clearpassage.com)... and Jennifer Mercier, M.D. (https://www.wellnessdenver.com/2017/11/14/meet-dr-jennifer-mercier-founder-mercier-therapy-natural-fertility-program/)...” (2015, 176-77)[i] 

These are physical therapists trained in how to do manual therapy and massage for pelvic scarring.

It’s important to note here that lubrication is very important for husbands as well. Vaginal dryness occurs for multiple reasons. Such reasons include hormonal changes, not allowing enough time for the wife to warm up sexually, stress, or even having too much sex. 

Using lubrication can be very important at these times. I usually recommend Astroglide, but there are lots of different kinds to try. Not having enough lubrication can cause painful lesions on a husband’s penis from friction as well.

While it is true that most men can orgasm within two to seven minutes, sometimes it can take longer. This can be especially true as a husband gets older and is satiated more often over time or distracted by stress. It wouldn’t be unusual under these circumstances for a husband to take 20 minutes to ejaculate. This can wear on both the husband and wife’s genitals if there is not sufficient lubrication and/or they have intercourse frequently.

Long bouts of sex can cause friction lesions, so this is where keeping a bottle of lube nearby can come in handy. For your sexual health, if you feel things are getting too dry, apply some lube.

Lack of natural lubrication doesn’t necessarily mean that the wife is not sufficiently turned on. Each woman is different in the amount of natural lubrication she secretes when excited. Some women secrete a lot of natural lubrication, and others not so much. If you find you need more lubrication, use more.

Another physical cause of painful sex is vaginismus.

WebMD gives this description for this disorder:

"When a woman has vaginismus, her vagina's muscles squeeze or spasm when something is entering her, like a tampon or a penis. It can be mildly uncomfortable, or it can be painful.

Painful sex is often a woman's first sign that she has vaginismus. The pain happens only with penetration. It usually goes away after withdrawal, but not always.

Women have described the pain as a tearing sensation or a feeling like the man is "hitting a wall."

Many women who have vaginismus also feel discomfort when inserting a tampon or during a doctor's internal pelvic exam.”

The story of one newlywed couple was relayed to me of the wife having vaginismus. She experienced no discomfort before, but after she was married, her husband was not able to sexually penetrate her.

In a closer examination, her vaginal muscles had squeezed so tight that a pinky finger couldn’t even be inserted. It was a tremendous frustration for both the husband and wife.

After visiting a specialist, a series of special rods (differing in width) were prescribed. Through loving patience, the couple used the rods and were able to help the wife’s vagina expand and relax.

WebMD also explained what some of the causes and solutions could be:

“Doctors don't know exactly why vaginismus happens. It's usually linked to anxiety and fear of having sex. But it's unclear which came first, the vaginismus or the anxiety.

Some women have vaginismus in all situations and with any object. Others have it only in certain circumstances, like ...with sexual intercourse but not with tampons or during medical exams.

Other medical problems like infections can also cause painful intercourse. So it's important to see a doctor to determine the underlying cause of pain during sex.

Women with vaginismus can do exercises, in the privacy of their own home, to learn to control and relax the muscles around the vagina.

The approach is called progressive desensitization, and the idea is to get comfortable with insertion.

First, do Kegel exercises by squeezing the same muscles you use to stop the flow of urine when urinating:

• Squeeze the muscles.
• Hold for 2 seconds.
• Relax the muscles.

Do about 20 Kegels at a time. You can do them as many times a day as you want.

After a few days, insert one finger, up to about the first knuckle joint, inside the vagina while doing the exercises. It's a good idea to clip your fingernails first and use a lubricating jelly. Or do the exercises in a bathtub, where water is a natural lubricant.

Start with one finger and work your way up to three. You'll feel the vagina's muscles contracting around your finger, and you can always take your finger out if you're not comfortable.

For women whose vaginismus is related to fear or anxiety, therapy helps” (2014,1)[ii]

Spiritual and Psychological

From a spiritual perspective, many Latter-Day Saints have a tremendous sexual adjustment period entering into marriage.

It’s a big jump with little to no transition preparation of going from the abstinence-only single state of the law of chastity, to the actively sexual state of the law of chastity (avoiding all sexual relations except with your husband or wife, in a male-female relationship, married legally and lawfully).

For many of us, as we sort out what is okay and what is not okay to do sexually in marriage, this can be a cause of great spiritual anxiety that can lead to the physical manifestations of sexual pain such as those addressed above.

Laura M. Brotherson, in her book And They Were Not Ashamed addresses some of spiritual and societal causes of this sexual pain. One point that stood out to me was how we’re culturally taught in our youth and young adulthood that first-time sex is a painful experience.

This is a myth, not based in any kind of fact. Despite what others’ experiences may tell us, there are many, many others that are able to have sex without any discomfort at all. Pain and discomfort is not a normal result of sex.

Laura shared a similar concern. 

“Another pervasive message about sex is that sex is a painful experience. While there can be some initial discomfort for some brides, the suggestion of pain itself can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. The ability to relax during sexual relations is critical. Sexual consummation and climax require that a woman be at ease mentally and relaxed physically. If a woman is fearful and concerned about possible pain, her vaginal muscles may constrict making penetration difficult. It’s pretty hard for a young bride to relax when her internal programming tells her she is doing something sinful. The concept of sexual pain simply intensifies the fear, shame and guilt already being experienced.

Stories of sexual pain, without medical, physiological and psychological information do little to instill confidence and eager anticipation of the sex act, especially in young people who are uneducated about sexual functioning…”[iii]

I wanted to share these with you in the hopes that, if any LDS couples are finding their marital intimacy to be a painful experience, they can find some hope and some possibilities to explore. Please use and share these tips to help you and others remove the roadblocks that are preventing them from having a happy, lasting and eternal intimate relationship.

---

[i] Northrup, Christiane, M.D., Goddesses Never Age: The Secret Prescription for Radiance, Vitality, and Well Being: Hay House, Inc., 2015

[ii] WebMD, Reviewed by Dr. Nivin Todd M.D. Aug. 28,2014, http://www.webmd.com/women/guide/vaginismus-causes-symptoms-treatments

[iii] Brotherson, Laura M, LMFT. And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage Through Sexual Fulfillment, Inspire Book: Boise, ID. 2004. pg 11-12.

CTC Night (At Home) -- Discreet Moonlit Dip

Summer is starting to wind down, but there's still time to do some outdoor activities for your date night.

For this one you'll need:

* An inexpensive blow up kiddie pool - big enough to fit the both of you
* Towels
*Swimsuit
*Apple Cider and ice or fresh made lemonade
* Citron Candle(s)
* A starry night
* Your spouse
*Baby monitor

Fill up the pool and both of you soak together under a starry sky while enjoying a cool drink. The baby monitor will help you keep an ear on the kids so you can enjoy a couple of hours together. And you can do it all in your back yard or patio.

The candles will help keep any bugs away. Depending on how much privacy your yard gives you - swimsuits are optional.

Try not to talk about work or family problems or chores. As a conversation starter, ask each other "If you were your parents and had total control over the outcome of your childhood, what would you have done differently? What would you have kept the same?"

Happy dating!

CTC Night (At Home) -- Totally Spiritual Experience

It's continue-the-courtship night, and if you're here, it's because you have small children, are on a tight budget, can't get a sitter, and/or stuck at home for whatever reason.

I commend you both for doing what it takes to work together and build a marriage that will enjoy being together for all eternity. Regular date nights are not only no exception, but vital to maintaining the health of your marriage. You're also developing habits that will help you be creative and will carry you though the tough times in your lives.

It is a time for you both to be alone together for a minimum of 2 hours. Just about the amount of time it will take for your kids to finish up their movie. To help, set them up with snacks. You can also put them to bed early, or (while they are still asleep) arise early and have your date time then.

Tonight's idea:  Scripture study.

Scripture study is absolutely an acceptable date idea. It's a time to review the gospel, discuss your beliefs, and can help cement your bond on a very deep emotional level.

So, break out your weekly Come Follow Me lesson, the Gospel Principles manual, your Gospel Doctrine study guide, or some old  Priesthood or Relief Society manual and study the next weeks lesson together. Just breaking out the scriptures is fine too.

If you're just reading the scriptures, go to the topical guide and read all the verses on marriage, or husband, or wife...you get the idea.

Feel free to include lots of touching and cuddling as well.

Happy Dating

CTC Night (At Home) -- Facing Each Other

The key to a great marriage is having excellent communication skills. As you learn about me, you'll find that the number one sex tool I offer to marriage couples is "communication."

For tonight's continue-the-courtship idea, I recommend going to Amazon and buying the book "Amazing Face Reading" by Mac Fulfer.

This incredible book will teach you how to know what a person is thinking and feeling, what their life experiences have been, and what their personality is like just by looking at their face and head. No such system is perfect of course, but his system is both entertaining and often quite accurate.

Read it together. Start by identifying each other's facial features to help you better understand each other.

For future dates, take it to church, the mall, the park, family reunions, whatever and do some people watching together. 

Happy dating!

CTC Night (At Home) -- Heroic Evening

Welcome to another great Continue-the-Courtship night.

Tonight's idea? Read some comics together.

If you're as big a comic book nerd as I am, you'll want to brush up before your next favorite comic book movie comes out.

If you collect comic books, break some of them out and share them with your sweetheart. You can also look up the full stories online at Wikipedia, or YouTube.

Sometimes your local public library has them in stock. There are lots of free options out there.

Then when the movie comes out, you'll both be in the know on who the characters are and can have a romantic evening of geeking out together. Or, if you have the super hero movies in your home library, break them out and have a movie marathon.

Happy Dating!

Nine Tips For Wives To Improve Your Marriage Intimately

This article was rewritten from a piece of writing I found online from a student of sex therapy. While I found her advice to be sound overall, her method of delivery (very worldly and profane-erotica-based) all but guaranteed the members of the Church would never find and get to use her good advice.

Since I believe that all truth and knowledge belongs to the Lord, I’ve taken the worldliness out of her article, so now we as Saints also have the benefit of her wisdom.

Please remember that this information is meant for married women only. If you are single and reading this, you have your agency, but learning about sex techniques is not something you can do by simply reading about it. 

To fully understand and know, you have to also physically practice, and in order to do that, (per LDS doctrine) you need to be married. Also, focusing on sexual technique before marriage can create a subconscious level of arousal that may challenge your ability to keep the law of chastity. Before marriage, the best thing you can do to prepare for a good sex life is to live the gospel of Jesus Christ the very best you can.

  

“When we obey the law of chastity and keep ourselves morally clean, we will experience the blessings of increased love and peace, greater trust and respect for our marital partners, deeper commitment to each other, and, therefore, a deep and significant sense of joy and happiness.”  

~ Pres. Ezra Taft Benson ( 1987,51-54)[i]

That being said, here are nine tips for improved physical intimacy with your spouse:

Recognize that something needs to change if things feel routine

If you’re going to live together as husband and wife for a long time (we’re thinking and hoping for forever, of course), then sex may feel routine after a while. We mortals are creatures of habit, and we like things to be familiar, comfortable, and predictable, but familiar needs a change-up every now and then. 

The world may tell you that the romance is gone, and we will come to accept that married sex is just plain boring, but that is not a foregone conclusion. Change the sex you’re having instead. It’s not always comfortable, but it keeps things fun and interesting. You may make some discoveries along the way that add excitement to old familiar practices.

Practice talking openly about s-e-x with your spouse.

If you’re going to have good sex, it has to start with where you are, which means talking to each other about how you’re feeling, what you like, and what you don’t like. Speak clearly, with words like vagina, vulva, frenulum, stroke, grip, clitoris, anus, orgasm and vibrator, and so on. 

Just because you don’t use these terms in everyday conversation doesn’t mean you shouldn’t use them with your spouse either. Learn and know the terms for all your sexual body parts.  Admit to each other what you know, and what you don’t know and would like to learn together.

“If you think your partner demands a bravura performance every time, have a chat about it before you get to the bedroom. Research suggests there's often a disconnect between perceived and actual expectations.” ~ Huston, (2014,1)[ii]

Get comfortable with and appreciate your body.

Your body is an amazing gift from God in so many ways. If you’re not familiar with the workings of your more intimate body parts, now is the time to learn. You couldn’t go out and get a book about sex as a single person without moving towards breaking the law of chastity, but now…relax, and take the time to learn all about your body’s capabilities.

Another good thing to do is to find a hand mirror, and take a look at your whole vulva, your labia, your clitoris, and maybe try finding your G-Spot. Ever seen or felt them before? How do they look to you? How do you feel about them? Have you ever touched them, or explored them yourself? A little self-learning will help you find out how you like to be touched down there, and then you can tell your husband. 

Chances are he’ll be a very enthusiastic learner. Husbands get a tremendous boost to their ego and feel more bonded to you when you help them feel successful as a lover.

Explore your senses

Remember what I said before about the body being this amazing gift from God? Another gift that came along with your body is the senses, and how they make you feel when they’re stimulated.

Those of you who may be questioning this because of certain scriptures that combine the word ‘sensual’ with the word ‘devilish’ don’t need to worry. That is a completely different context than the context of using your senses to appreciate physical love within marriage. God has given us these gifts to be enjoyed, just as He gave us fire to cook our food with and to relax by the fireplace, but not to burn our house down.

What kinds of visual stimulation do you like?

Do you like to watch yourself have sex, or look at your husband in the nude?

What kinds of things do you like to hear?

Do you like the noises of sex, or do they bother you? Explore that.

Do you like the idea of tasting things, maybe playing with different kinds of foods, or tasting each other’s skin?

What kinds of touch do you like? Do you like it when he touches you? How do you want to be touched? How does he?

What kinds of textures make you feel excited and wanting to feel close to your spouse? Fur, feathers, lotions? 

The possibilities are pretty broad.

Don’t ignore all the senses – including sound. If being talked to in a certain way is important to your arousal, be sure to let your spouse know. As you explore each other’s bodies, be sure to let your spouse know what you liked so that he can do it again later.

Take your time to make these explorations. By all means, enjoy yourself. Make notes if you wish. The things you’re learning are special, sacred and just between the two of you. There’s no hurry whatsoever. You have all eternity to perfect your lovemaking, so take your time.

Remember the other parts of your body that aren’t necessarily sexual.

Don’t you hate it when your husband jumps for his favorite parts of your body without remembering that you’re connected to them? Women, you can do the same thing, if you’re not careful. 

Don’t be in so much of a hurry to get sex ‘over with’ that you miss out on the opportunity to do some exploring of your own, and maybe get some pampering during the process.

Massage is a good way to reconnect to all of your body. 

Ever had one? Given one? How does it feel when your shoulders or feet are rubbed or kissed? Maybe the back of your neck? The back of your arms? Your hands? A woman’s entire body is a sexual antenna of sensation. Use that to your advantage.

Relaxing doesn’t always come naturally – practice, practice, and…you guessed it!

Getting ready to have sex can be hard for women, especially if your head is full of kids, appointments, looming projects, deadlines, and shopping lists. If you struggle with anxieties about your body or your communication or anything else, that makes it even harder.

What’s the best way for you to quickly get into the mood? Some women find it helps to take a few minutes to shift gears, set aside the time, and do something for you that lifts your mood. A warm shower, a (little bit) of chocolate, or a few minutes to talk out your issues helps some women. Figure out a strategy that works for the both of you.

Plan a time for sex that works for both of you. Not just one of you.  Or, let your spouse know how much notice you need to prepare yourself mentally for sex. 

The basic formula, according to Christian marriage expert Mark Gungor, is this – one turned-on husband + one turned-on wife = great sex. If only one of you is happy, you’re not having great sex.

If you just don’t feel like having sex sometimes, does that mean you shouldn’t have it? Nope. Schedule it and make it a regular practice, regardless of how you feel. It’s common for one spouse to have a higher sex drive than the other, and both spouse’s needs should be met, not just the lower-drive spouse’s. Have a quickie when you need to.

Let him know when something feels good to you…or not.

Husbands are wonderful, but they don’t read minds. Never have. You need to let them know when what they’re doing with you is working. Telling them what you want is great. 

Communicating through moaning or wiggling works too. The more he knows he’s on the right track, the more of the right stuff he’ll do.

Conversely, if something he’s doing really isn’t working for you, or if he’s rubbing one thing and you’d rather he was caressing something else, let him know, but do it kindly. Instead of ‘Ow!’ or ‘that’s not working at all’, try ‘honey, it would feel so good if you would do _______ right now’. 

Keep it positive. No one likes to be told they’re not doing well, especially in such a sacred place as the marriage bed.

You have more options than you think…

The world of sexual options is not closed to you just because you’re a member of the Church. In fact, there’s more out there for you to try than you’ll ever have time to get to.

If you have concerns about specific sexual acts or positions, or just want more information on them, you’re always welcome to follow my blog, where I’ll give you information without the worldly perspective or the profane ads that often follow Googled information. 

Some articles you may want to start with include:

The Sexual Spectrum, Where Do We Lie , Do Your Sexual Practices Defile Something Sacred?, and Ancient Hebrew Sex Secret

 

You can also contact me directly with any questions you may have.

Oral sex, in particular, seems to hang up a lot of members, for either moral uncertainty, personal revulsion, or because they may not feel skilled or confident enough to do it.

 Again, you may only need a little education here. What feels good to you may not feel good to your husband. If you’d like to try oral sex (either on you or on him), talk to your husband about it to see how he feels. Then learn how to do it correctly and hygienically.

Make some time to practice on a regular basis, even if it’s only for a few minutes at a time. Sooner or later, you’ll get better, and getting better means more personal confidence.

Never be afraid of trying new things. As members of the Church, you have the Holy Ghost to guide you to all truth, including sexual truth. The Lord wants you to learn about how to have good sex in marriage – as married members, it’s a fundamental for eternal life and salvation.

Recognize when you need outside help, and where to go get it.

If you’re trying to implement these suggestions, and coming across specific challenges that you don’t feel you can get through, that’s the time to go find someone you trust to get some new ideas to try.

Whether it’s a physical problem like vaginismus (an involuntary tightening of the vagina that makes sex difficult or even impossible), or low desire or anxiety, there are LDS professionals who will keep your confidences sacred, and help you troubleshoot an appropriate solution. 

Don’t be afraid to reach out to an appropriate specialist…one who can help you with whatever challenge you’re up against, be it physical, sexual,  mental or spiritual.

Ignoring the problem, hoping it will go away…or praying without listening for promptings and taking inspired action, thinking that the Lord will do all the heavy lifting for you…will likely not work. Faith doesn’t work that way.[iii]

And there you go – If the zing in your marriage bed is temporarily fizzled out, you can take action and make your own plan to give it life again.

---

[i] Benson, Ezra Taft, 1987 BYU Devotional and Fireside Speeches, 51-54

[ii] Huston, Matt, Psychology Today, Sex: Egos Undressed, 2014, 1, www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/201405/sex-egos-undressed

[iii] Scott, Richard G., Oct. 2010, The Transforming Power of Faith and Character, https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/general-conference/2010/10/the-transforming-power-of-faith-and-character?lang=eng

CTC Night (At Home) -- Like Putty In My Hands

Happy Continue-The-Courtship Night!

Actually...exactly like putty.

For tonight's date night idea, go out and buy some modeling clay. Get a sitter, put the kids to bed early, or help each other set them up with their favorite distraction.

Break out the modeling clay and make something together. Sculpt each other, or a favorite part of each other, or a favorite plant or animal, or place, or General Authority....whatever, you make the rules together, but decide on a single subject.

When you're done, practice listening, by allowing your spouse to share what they sculpted and why it's their favorite thing. Agree to make it a "safe zone" by agreeing to not judge or ridicule, mock or make fun of the other's thoughts and ideas so your spouse can feel emotionally safe to express themself.

Continue this habit into your daily lives and see what wonders it does in the marriage bed.

Happy Dating!

CTC Night (At Home) -- Truth or Dare

Happy Continue-The-Courtship night!

You heard me...truth-or-dare. Does it bring back memories from when you were a kid.

When was the last time you played it as husband and wife? Now is your chance. Make it as sexual, sensual, or simple as you like. You have permission.

How to play?

Find something to distract the children for two hours. Lock yourselves in your room.

Each spouse, write your own or do a google search for 10 truth or dare questions. 

On the bed, flip a coin to see who goes first. The winner asks "Truth or Dare"?

The other spouse chooses.

If they choose "truth" you can ask something like "do you get nervous holding hands in public?"

If they choose "dare", give them a task to do such as whisper sexy things into your ear, or let you cut their hair or paint their nails, or wash their hair, or something they haven't tried before.

Remember, this is just for the two of you. Your truth-or-dare should not involve other people or be outside the confines of your room.

Happy Dating!

CTC Night (At Home) -- IKEA

Happy Continue-The-Courtship Night!

I heard a marriage counselor speak recently where they said that there was a study done which showed couples who visit IKEA are most likely to break up. It had something to do with the layout of store. But, what he joked about was just putting their furniture together as a couple would be enough strain to start a fight.

I was going to suggest doing a puzzle together as your stuck at home idea, but then I thought:

Put A Piece Of IKEA Furniture Together - Together:

Buy something inexpensive and assemble it together. If you both like puzzles, this is an even more fun idea. It's not a race, and perfection is not a requirement.

It's an opportunity to talk and work on a very challenging puzzle together. If the strain becomes too much, take a break and have a bowl of ice cream together.

Whatever you do, make it fun.

Happy Dating

How Does The Supreme Court Ruling Affect The LDS Marriage Bed?

 

In light of the Supreme Court ruling on same sex marriage, we would like to reassure all our readers that the Eternal Marriage Bed is still committed to serving the married members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

Our mission is to help you build and strengthen your "eternal" marriages mentally, emotionally, spiritually and sexually.

"There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit,

For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death..." - Romans 8:1-2

1st Presidency Letter To The Saints June, 29, 2015

 
This letter was read in church. We encourage you to review it so you will be prepared with any questions you might have for your Priesthood and Auxilliary leaders

Sincerely,
Sam Zaragoza
LDS Marital Intimacy Coach

The Feminization of Love

 This is a summarized version of an article I wanted to share with you. Feel free to leave comments below.

"Are men less loving because they equate love with sex?...the fault lies not in men, but in women's definitions of "loving", which ignore masculine styles of showing affection.

Francesca Cancian (1990: 171) calls excluding men's ways of showing affection the "feminization of love." Because...men rarely get credit for the kinds of loving actions that are more typical of them. - Carol Tavris (1992:255)

...a man who is a good provider, who changes the oil in his wife's car, or who fixes his child's bike is showing just as much love as the wife who tells her husband she loves him and shares her innermost thoughts and feelings with him.

There are several negative consequences of the feminization of love:

1. It assumes that women need love more than men and are more dependent on men for emotional satisfaction.

2. Emphasizing only the expressive side of love ignores or diminishes the importance of women's instrumental activities - such as working to help provide financially for the family.

3. The feminization of love intensifies the conflicts over intimacy between men and women. As the wife demands more verbal contact, the husband feels increased pressure and withdraws.

The wife then intensifies her efforts to get closer. This leads to a vicious cycle where neither spouse gets what she or he wants.


As the definition of love becomes more feminized, men and women move father apart rather than closer together. - Tucker (1992)

One way to break this cycle is to give both men and women credit for the things they do to show their love for each other and for their families.

~ From "Do I love you? I changed your oil, didn't I", taken from Marriages and Families, Benokraitis (2005, 155)

CTC Night (At Home) -- Rainy Days and Date Nights

 We've been getting a lot of rain this year, but that doesn't have to ruin your date night as a married couple.

When was the last time you put on your rain hat and rubber boots to splash in the puddles like kids?

The next continue-the-courtship night it rains, you can take the opportunity to do just that as a couple.

Distract the children, and then go out back or front and splash around. Look for worms. Make some mud pies.  Tell each other stories of how you used to spend your rainy days as a child. Get as wet or muddy as you want.

You could also grab a large umbrella and be alone in the rain together.

When your finished, dry each other off, or take a hot bath or shower together.

Happy Dating!

CTC Night (At Home) -- Want Syrup on That?

Ready for another fun continue-the-courtship night? Well, who say's it has to be at night?

Rather than putting the kids to bed early, try getting up before they do. Sure, date night can be in the morning too! Make breakfast in bed and have breakfast together. It can be as complicated or as simple as you want.

Eggs, bacon, sausage, pancakes, danishes, orange juice, health shakes, juicing, bagels and smoked salmon, oatmeal, fruit salad, cold pizza, crepes, or just a bowl of cold cereal. The possibilities are endless.

Eat together in your jammies, sexy lingerie, or naked - whatever you want! You're married!

While you eat, you could play the romantic rendezvous game, or ask each other questions from the 365 questions for couples book, or read scriptures, or go through your gospel doctrine study guide together.

Happy Dating!

General Handbook Update: Pornography

The Church's Handbook of Instruction is now the "General Handbook" and was updated recently. The new version is pretty much the same as the 2015 Handbook 2 version, except this gives more resources and acknowledges "compulsion" vs "addiction". I wanted to take the opportunity to update this previous post and re-demonstrate a substitution I believe gives greater clarity. You be the judge:

Pornography (General Handbook version)

The Church condemns pornography in any form. Pornography use of any kind damages individual lives, families, and society. It also drives away the Spirit of the Lord. Church members should avoid all forms of pornographic material and oppose its production, dissemination, and use.

The Church provides the following resources to help people whose lives are affected by pornography:

• AddressingPornography.ChurchofJesusChrist.org

• AddictionRecovery.ChurchofJesusChrist.org

  • Helping Those Who Struggle with Pornography (booklet)

  • Let Virtue Garnish Thy Thoughts (booklet)

  Stake presidents and bishops also provide support to family members as needed.

  Church leaders should realize that use of pornography can be a compulsion or an addiction. In addition to the inspired help of these leaders, some members may need professional counseling. Leaders may contact Family Services for assistance. See 38.6.2.2 for contact information for Family Services.

   Personal counseling and informal membership restrictions are usually sufficient when helping a person repent of using pornography (see 32.8). Membership councils are not usually held. However, a council may be necessary for intensive and compulsive use of pornography that has caused significant harm to a member’s marriage or family (see 38.6.5). A council is required if a member makes, shares, possesses, or repeatedly views pornographic images of children (see 38.6.6).

Profane Erotica (with my term substitution)

The Church condemns profane erotica in any form. Profane Erotica use of any kind damages individual lives, families, and society. It also drives away the Spirit of the Lord. Church members should avoid all forms of Profane Erotic material and oppose its production, dissemination, and use.

The Church provides the following resources to help people whose lives are affected by profane erotica:

• AddressingPornography.ChurchofJesusChrist.org

• AddictionRecovery.ChurchofJesusChrist.org

  • Helping Those Who Struggle with Pornography (booklet)

  • Let Virtue Garnish Thy Thoughts (booklet)

  Stake presidents and bishops also provide support to family members as needed.

  Church leaders should realize that use of profane erotica can be a compulsion or an addiction. In addition to the inspired help of these leaders, some members may need professional counseling. Leaders may contact Family Services for assistance. See 38.6.2.2 for contact information for Family Services.

   Personal counseling and informal membership restrictions are usually sufficient when helping a person repent of using profane erotica (see 32.8). Membership councils are not usually held. However, a council may be necessary for intensive and compulsive use of profane erotica that has caused significant harm to a member’s marriage or family (see 38.6.5). A council is required if a member makes, shares, possesses, or repeatedly views profane erotic images of children (see 38.6.6).

For more information on why I prefer to use the term "profane erotica", go to this link: Latter-Day Saints Take Pleasure In Sacred Erotica