Reply to question regarding sexual abuse and PTSD affecting sexual intimacy

April asked:

"What if the spouse has had severe sexual abuse and has severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? Is she still supposed to just do it, regardless of consequences? Consequences to her I mean."

The quote in question was: 

"Some spouses wield monogamy like a bludgeon, battering their partner with their commitment in ways never intended by marriage vows.

They say, 'You promised to love me for better or for worse - and that includes my (sexual) limitations!'

Yes, we all marry 'for better or for worse,' but the assumption is that spouses will do everything possible to overcome their limitations - not simply demand their partner put up with them!"

- Dr. David Schnarch, Passionate Marriage

Hi April! Great question!

I believe the key phrase from Dr. Schnarch is "...the assumption is that spouses will do everything possible to overcome their limitations..."

I know of very few who get married to remain celibate afterwards. If there are issues such as sexual abuse or PTSD that happened before marriage and affect the individual's ability to be sexually intimate, wouldn’t you want this to be disclosed to you before you got married? Especially if sexual intimacy was something important to you?

That being said, people don’t always realize the extent of a problem before they marry. Sometimes marriage itself brings out repressed issues. Everyone comes with baggage. Making a successful marriage is about finding someone who loves us enough to help us unpack.

Through the covenants we make with God when we get married, we also have a responsibility to be sensitive to each other and help each other through life’s challenges. This is how we grow. Also, according to Dr. Schnarch, conflict is necessary for intimacy to happen. When we overcome the conflicts as husband and wife, that intimacy intensifies.

There are many couples who experience pain where sex is involved. Take dyspareunia, for example. This is where interaction with the genitals is just plain physically painful and sometimes penetration is even impossible without causing physical damage. Even though both may be aroused, common courtesy and the spirit of the Word of Wisdom says “do no permanent harm to the body.”

Both spouses still have the responsibility to troubleshoot the issue together and see what can be done. Even if nothing can be done, there are other options.

An emotional dysfunction is no less serious, but also doesn’t have to mean that sexual pleasure for both is unattainable. There is competent professional help available, and I would encourage anyone in these circumstances to seek that help.

 

A sexually intimate encounter with our spouse should be a positive one. When it is, it keeps us coming back or willing to share. If it is constantly being associated as painful or negative, our subconscious will naturally create a feeling of aversion. Both spouses must be careful not to allow a negative feeling toward marital intimacy to be fostered and there are things you can do to ensure you both come away from the activity with positive memories of each encounter.  Sex is meant to be a tool to bring us together as husbands and wives. If it's pushing you apart, you're doing it wrong. 

Is this a challenge you are finding in your own relationship? If you feel this too private to discuss here, anyone may free to contact me privately at SAMZARAGOZA@SBCGLOBAL.NET. All conversations are kept confidential and my consultations are free.

Profanity Or Swearing In the Eternal Marriage Bed?

I wanted to point this article out because I felt (in many ways) it pertains to our intimate relationship as  married couples in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

Often I receive questions about what is or is not appropriate sexually in marriage, as well as what kind of language is appropriate to use in our sacred sexually-intimate interactions with our spouses.

Something that stood out to me in what Elder Brewerton said was “Profane words never edify.”

The same could be said for profane erotic material and sexual activities that defile the sacred with our spouses.

To more fully understand, it helps to look at the word “edify”.  To edify means to build. It means to strengthen someone’s moral, religious and intellectual character. [i]

Words (whatever they may be) can have different meanings in different cultures, ethnicities, nationalities, and even within our immediate families. With the exception of the irreverent use of the name of Deity, to say “this word is bad in every circumstance and for everyone” is not realistic.

Some terms (even those considered profane) may be appropriate if used in their correct context and can be very appropriate when attempting to communicate what action one spouse is wanting the other spouse to do in their sacred intimate activities - but would be totally inappropriate to use outside of that context or that sacred private space. In all cases, it should be agreed upon by both spouses the use of that term and when it would be appropriate to use it and to let the Holy Spirit guide.

What we’ve found ourselves asking as a married couple is...

“Is the use of this word, or is this activity, edifying our marriage or profaning and weakening it?” 

This question can be an effective filter for those things that may harm our eternal relationship. (see also my article: “Don’t Erotic Words Offend The Spirit?” [ii])

As you contemplate this as a couple, I hope you will also consider what Elder Ted E Brewerton says in this talk "Profanity and Swearing"

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[i] Merriam Webster Dictionary, Edify, (2015,1) http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/edify

[ii] http://eternalmarriagebed.blogspot.com/2014/08/a-reader-asks-dont-erotic-words-offend.html

Sexual Friendship

                                         

Dr. John Gottman said "the simple truth is that happy marriages are based on deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for each other's company, plus an intimate knowledge of each other's quirks, likes and dislikes."

His finding is that disagreements and heated debates are not a sign of a bad marriage (unless, of course, it becomes physical abuse). Because while all couples argue, it is the spouses who are friends first who have the advantage." (Chatterjee, 1999, 1) [1]

This week, ask each other "Do you feel like I'm your friend? What is it that I do that makes you feel like I'm your friend? What do you believe a good or best friend does/behaves like?"

Recently in my studies I've been learning about bondage and sadomasochism. My goal was to try and understand why people are drawn to this practice. I'm not talking about gentle foreplay games such as blind-folding your spouse and/or tying them to the bed while teasing them. I'm referring to those practices involving paraphilia (sexual practices outside the socially acceptable norms or moral guidelines) that would torture and inflict pain.

What I learned is that these two practices are a counterfeit created by the Adversary for those who cannot hope - in their secular state - to obtain the type of intimacy I describe above; the sweet peaceful spirit and bonding that only comes from entering into sexuality the Lord's way. 

 Instead of obtaining the full physical, emotional, and spiritual sexual experience, those who try to ‘enter the gate’ some other way find they only have the physical to work with. S&M is a way of experiencing the sexual by dangerously heightening the pleasure and pain combination. 

A forced high is obtained by torturing the body and tricking the body into releasing chemicals inherent in its own desire for self-preservation. In some cases, the practitioner even brings the body dangerously close to death.

There is a wholesome alternative that can bring its own intensity, and that way is through truly living the gospel and being a friend to your spouse. The deeper the friendship, the deeper the trust. The deeper the trust, the more a spouse feels safe to allow themselves to be vulnerable and abandon themselves fully to what they could be experiencing in the sacred sexual relationship. This can only be realized through entering into the full mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual commitment only found in marriage. 

Those who cohabitate or try to obtain this level of sexual intimacy through promiscuity or extremes in sexual practices cannot hope to obtain it.  This is because it requires the presence of the Holy Ghost and the peace that comes with him. [2]

Without living the gospel, spiritual gifts are just not available. [3] Because of this, all that is left to those who choose otherwise are the physical aspects of sexuality.  

Those in marriage that reach the deepest levels of sexual fulfillment and obtain the most satisfying, even explosive long-term sexual experiences are friends. Not just friendly, but deeply committed, “I can trust you with anything” best friends.

It's designed purposefully that way by God. Just as revelation and peace can’t be stolen by lying our way into the temple, the deep sexual experiences from being in a committed married relationship (coupled with friendship and trust) can't be replicated outside of these conditions.

If you would like additional information, feel free to contact me at samzaragoza@sbcglobal.net.

References: 

1.Lesson 12, Effective Family Leadership, Duties and Blessings of the Priesthood: Basic Manual for Priesthood Holders, Part B, (2000), 105–11

2.Chatterjee, Camille, The Science of a Good Marriage, Psychology Today, 1999, https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/199909/the-science-good-marriage 

3. Oakes, Dallin H., Spirtual Gifts, 1986,1, https://www.lds.org/ensign/1986/09/spiritual-gifts?lang=eng

CTC Night (Not always at home) - Go To Hotel?

Happy continue-the-courtship night!

When my wife and I were young newlyweds - with small children, we looked for every date idea under the sun to help not only keep our commitment to continue dating, but also to find new and interesting ideas to keep it fun and fresh.

While in our search, the best dating advice we received as a married couple was to make sure we set aside a fund in our budget to regularly go alone as a couple to a hotel.

Every couple needs this and it is attainable for any couple. A few dollars each month adds up, and as soon as you have $100 saved up, go. It doesn't have to be an expensive hotel. In fact, I will pass on to you some free experience. Out of all the hotels we've stayed at (including the Hilton), the Comfort Inn was the best. It's reasonably affordable, they're in every town, they're clean, safe, free breakfast, have Wifi, and we couldn't hear our neighbors. If any of you have stayed at nice places, go ahead and mention that here to help out other couples.

This is an opportunity for you as a couple to get away, not have to clean, worry about messes, or children walking in on you, or wearing clothes, and no noise. You can take a bath or shower or both together and take your time. It's like a mini-vacation where you both are free to relax into each others arms and talk or watch a movie.

I also recommend planning to do it regularly, so you both don't feel rushed. Avoid the trauma of feeling like you have to do everything  in one night because you don't know when the next time will be that you'll be able to do it again. Don't do that to yourselves

I also recommend not making each other wait until your anniversary.  Once a year is just not enough.

Mentally pick what you want to do, and relax knowing that you'll get to try the next time what you didn't have time to do this time. This will make for a much less stressful evening for the both of you.

Your eternal marriage is worth it. Happy Dating!

CTC Night - At Home: Marshmallow War

Hey all you married lovers out there. If you're here, it's probably because you have small kids, can't find a sitter, are on a tight budget, ran out of ideas, or all of the above. But, that's okay!

The important thing is, you're here! Which means you care enough about your marriage to continue the courtship and keep it interesting.

This week's date idea:

Build a marshmallow catapult and fire marshmallows at each other. The one to catch the most in their mouth, wins.

Don't know how to build a catapult? No problem. It can be made from some of the things you probably already have lying around your house. Plus, I found this really cool video that will show you how to make a super-easy catapult.

Happy dating!

CTC Night - At Home: A Lovely Secret Treasure

Happy continue the courtship night.

This weeks idea: surprise your spouse with a treasure hunt. 

Make a set clues and try rhyming the clues for fun. Each clue should leadto the next one and, finally, to the treasure.

Seal the clues in envelopes or in treats or prized that each clue leads them to. These can be a small toy, an IOU for a movie or romantic bath or date of their choice, a small box of chocolate, maybe a cache of coins (regular or chocolate); whatever you do make sure the clues lead to the bedroom.

Once they reach their final clue in the bedroom, let that be whatever your spouse has been longing for - a foot rub, letting them try out something intimate they've been dying to try with you, cuddle time, reading them a fun story, or watching a romantic drama.

You can also make it a full blown out candles, rose petals on the bed, music - the works!

Happy Dating!

Husbands Notice Other Women For A Good Reason

Should a wife be offended if her husband notices another woman is attractive?

To defeat an enemy, we have to understand and know the enemy. Sometimes this may mean a husband knowing the enemy even better than he knows himself. Moroni in the Book of Mormon, and Joshua in the Old Testament, used spies to gain information about the movements of the enemy and plan a strategy for success.[i]

I hope that I can be a spy for my readers in the battle of good and evil in this regard; to help your marriages succeed eternally by defeating the enemy of our souls and eternal marriages.

Yes, men notice women, even when the most faithful of men are married . To understand why men do this, we have to take a closer look at the differences between women’s and men’s genetic and biological make-up. In addition,  women are also not immune from their own procreative senses starting to tingle when a good genetic match passing by.

Women have a limited number of eggs for reproduction within her lifetime.[ii] In addition, through natural biological processes, she loses them rapidly. For this reason, she is biologically and genetically inclined to be selective about who she chooses as a mate. Her body wants to ensure her mate is a good genetic match that will ensure the survival of her children, as well as how they will look and his ability to protect the proverbial nest.  She is also generally inclined to bond to and stay faithful to one man her whole life. However, even this has its own set of rules that can create exceptions to the rule. For example, cultural upbringing and exposure can also make a woman override these feelings according to the norms of her particular ethnic group. An ethnic group being the cultural, sub-cultural, religious, and educational norms a person grows up with and accepts as their identity, means of communicating and understanding of how the world works.

In contrast, men produce billions of sperm in their lifetime and can father children until the day they die. According to Dr. Helen Fisher[iii], ancestrally, men were never inclined to be monogamous. For this reason, men are genetically and biologically inclined to reproduce with as many females as possible. Just as cultural exposure and training can change how a woman responds, a man can also learn to override these natural impulses and live a monogamous life if he chooses.We are also capable of choosing to not enslave ourselves to our bodily impulses.

The prevalent cultural belief that, a man only loves one woman his whole life and if he doesn’t, he never truly loved her…is romantic nonsense.

It comes from media generated romantic idea that men share the same natural inclinations as women. Stereotypically, this idea can be found in romance novels. Many of these novels are written by women, who project their own female perspectives to create their idea of the “perfect man”. This “perfect man” can sometimes seem more like a woman in how he thinks and responds than does an actual man. If a woman chooses to indulge in romance stories, it would benefit her and her husband to understand that this literary dynamic exists, and be careful not to conflate actual men with fictional characters.

Men can also get caught in this problematic assumption, when he thinks a woman shares the same sex drives and desires as he does. In most cases, she does not, and popular stories or films designed to appeal to men can exacerbate this perception by portraying women that respond to sexual stimuli the same way he would, have the same sex drive he does, have the same focused goal oriented drive he does, love is genital focused instead of relationship focused and she respond to a males advances in the way he would wish.

 

I find female oriented romantic stories just as dangerous as profane erotic films designed for men, because they both create a warped gendercentric fantasy that has led to confusion and enmity between the sexes. Enmity that doesn't need to exist if we take the time to understand that the opposite sex operates, thinks and feels different and  how to be a helpmeet to each other.

Both of these fantasies only lead to frustration when faced with a “real” person of the opposite sex and can create confusion when we witness them respond as they are each biologically and spiritually designed to.

So what is the truth?

From the tips of our toes to the hair on our head, our bodies are organic reproduction machines. Our sexuality and sexual drives are not isolated to just our genitals. Our brain and all of our nerves and organs work in unison to push us to find and select a mate, reproduce and when they connect, the body rewards the individual with powerful neurological and chemical incentives. Without these drives and reward systems, I don't believe men and women would have anything to do with each other.

This includes our eyes. When a man “sees” a woman, before he can even consciously think about it, the image is sent immediately to the limbic system in his brain.This is the part of our brain that controls our appetite for food as well as sex.

 

According to a study performed by Dr. Vladas Griskevicious, when a man sees an attractive woman, it takes an average of 3.2 seconds for that image to pass through the limbic system of the brain and be processed by the higher decision-making part of the brain.[iv]

From there, he has to consciously decide each and every time if he will or won’t follow through on the reproduction prompting given by his limbic brain.

This means that he has to consciously choose to abandon the thought of going after that woman and to stay faithful to his wife. This is a constant struggle for most men their whole lives.

This is another reason we are stressed to stay away from profane erotic videos and images. These are designed to appeal to the natural inclinations of men to constantly find a new mate and spread his DNA (Fisher, 2009) Staying away from “profane” erotica helps him stay focused on his wife– his “sacred” erotica.[v]

How should a wife best respond when she sees her husband’s eyes wander?

Be honest with him if this hurts your feelings, but also keep in mind that husbands are bombarded with many such thoughts every day, and men tend to be more sensitive to sexual stimuli around them than women are, due to their higher levels of testosterone.

Encourage him to talk about the temptations he’s experiencing. It helps to mitigate the temptation, and make it easier to bear, when spouses bear it together. It’s no secret that when we bring undesirable things into the light, they lose their power.

Most of all, when you see him notice another woman, count four seconds. This is how long his initial instincts take to get to the executive or decision making part of his brain. When his decision-making part of his brain kicks in, does he come back to you after that? If he does, acknowledge his making good decisions. Give him credit. Know in your heart that he still chooses you every day.

What could be more romantic than that?

How can a husband respond when he finds himself with wandering eyes and heart?

Don’t be too hard on yourself. Temptations enter our minds all the time, but temptation should not be entertained for long.[vi]  If your wife is able and willing, share what you’re feeling and experiencing. Don’t try to hide it. Honesty will help her trust that you’re going to stick around. She's your eternal companion. You're supposed to be helping each other keep your covenants so you both reach your eternal goals together and you each will come with unique challenges.

When you experience a temptation, go out of your way to show some extra love to your wife. What is her love language? [vii] If you know what her love language is, do something that makes her feel particularly loved and cared for. If you don’t know, try them all until you find what fits.

Make sure you’re still dating each other every week, even when you don’t feel like it, and work out a fair frequency of sex that works for both of you. Help her get aroused and if she prefers a longer frequency, and you prefer sex more often, if she gives you that gift, try to be sure each encounter leaves a pleasant memory so she keeps letting you come back.  Building those memories will strengthen you both against temptations. Being married is no guarantee against temptation by itself. You must still woo and win your husband or wife, even after the ceremony, if you want love to last.

Continuing to deliberately put energy into your marriage (instead of dissipating your emotional energy with many strangers) will pay off in great dividends, and can help temptations lessen somewhat over time as you develop these habits. Habits that will benefit you in the Celestial world.

“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it” Eph. 5:25

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[i] Joshua 2:1; Alma 43:28

[ii] Warner, Jennifer (2004), Animal Study Shows Mammals Have a Reserve of Egg-Producing Follicles. Reviewed by Brunilda Nazario, MD, http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/news/20040310/women-not-born-lifetime-eggs

[iii] Andreae, Simon, Younger, James, Winslow, Susan, The Science of sex Appeal (2009), Production company The Incubator, Distributed by The Discovery Channel (2008)

[iv] Production Company: The Incubator; Distributor: The Discovery Channel, The Science of Lust (2011)

[v] Zaragoza, Samuel, Mormon’s Take Pleasure In Sacred Erotica, Latter-Day Saints-take-pleasure-in-sacred-erotica.html

[vi]  Maxwell, Neal A. (April 1987), Overcome, Even As I Also Overcame.

[vii] Chapman, Gary D., The Five Love Languages, Northfield Publishing; Reprint edition (January 1, 2015)

Sex Toys In The LDS Marriage Conclusion

 WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred sexual nature and is intended for married couples only. Reader discretion is advised.

 Click here in case you missed part [1], [2], [3] ,[4], [5], [6], [7] , [8], [9] and [10]

I don’t know how to use or handle sex toys safely.

This is another valid point. There are many different kinds to choose from, depending on what stimulation you’d like to try.

Don’t be afraid to try different kinds that look interesting to you. Some general safety guidelines concerning sex toys could be the following:

• Make sure you clean them after each use.

• Many toys are porous, which means they hold some body material after use. Toys that are used in the vaginal area should not be used in the anal area, because germs from the rectum and colon can stay on the toy, and then be introduced into the vaginal area allowing harmful bacteria the chance to overwhelm and cause irreversible damage to the female reproductive system. This potentially can even lead to bacterial scarring of the fallopian tubes which can lead to sterility. This is a major word of wisdom issue. Either keep vaginal and  toys used in the rectum separate from each other, or use a condom on the toy when it’s being used in the anal area, to help keep things clean. 

Some of these marital intimacy aids are expensive. Here are some tips I found for keeping your intimate equipment properly cared for.

- Silicone toys: wash with soapy water. These clean easily. 

-Hard plastic toys: Don't get battery cases wet. If it has seames and grooves, use soapy water and a    toothbrush when cleaning.

 -Hard rubber toys:Use a cloth and soapy water to clean. You can use alcohol to sterilize, but do not use bleach.

- Cyberskin toys, you must use a condom on them. These are very porous and expensive. Even after use with a condom, wash them with light soapy solution (dish soap is fine), pat them dry and (only after you are sure they are completely dry) dust them with corn starch - don't put baby powder on them.

-On waterproof sex toys, be sure to check the "O" ring gasket on the battery compartment periodically and replace if necessary. You may be able to find replacements at your local hardware store. 

-Ben Wa Balls: Great for strengthening your kegel/PC muscles, but still need to be kept clean. These can just be washed with soapy water and pat or air dry.

- Silicone toys: These can be boiled to clean and sterilize. You can also wash them in your dishwasher.

For easiest cleanup and protection of you and your spouse, I highly recommend covering your sex toys with condoms during each use. This is not an endorsement, but most times you can get a handful of condoms for free in the lobby of planned parenthood. So don't think you have to spend a fortune on condoms.

• Sex toys can attract young children and their natural curiosity can get them in trouble – if you’re going to keep sex toys in the house, keep them locked up or in another discreet hiding place.

• As your kids get older, it’s all right to talk to your kids and let them know you have such devices in the house, and to tell them to keep away. Parents should periodically talk to their children about such topics, to help alleviate their curiosity and inform them about their own sexuality and the proper time and place to express those God-given feelings. Help them see sexuality as something not only sacred, but something to look forward to in marriage.

***

When it comes to sexuality in marriage, we need to be sure we’re basing beliefs on the true doctrines of the gospel, and not the wider worldly cultural beliefs that too often try to infiltrate and twist our lives and beliefs.

The Lord wants us to be happy together in marriage – not miserable, not living a half-life of no feeling or desire, and not living separately as roommates. While you’re taking steps toward becoming ‘one flesh’[i], consider if sex toys could be part of that exploration for your specific marriage.

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[i] Genesis 2:24

Sex Toys In The LDS Marriage Part 10 of 11

 WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred sexual nature and is intended for married couples only. Reader discretion is advised.

 

 Click here in case you missed part [1], [2], [3] ,[4], [5], [6], [7] , [8] and [9]

 I don’t feel safe buying a sex toy – I don’t want to go to an adult store and have someone see me, or get profane ads in the mail, or be exposed to unwanted profane images or materials online.

This is a valid concern, but there are a number of more discreet boutiques online now, that are at least Christian in nature, where a couple can investigate different toys and buy one without encountering profane pictures or materials. 

Simply Sweet Marriage (http://www.simplysweetmarriage.com/) is a good example of a place to start. A great feature about this website is (in addition to no profane images) they give a description of each marital intimacy aid, what it's for, and how it would be used. 

Or you can Google ‘Christian sex toys’ and find a wide variety of websites to safely peruse such as Covenant Spice,and The Pure Bed.

Even Amazon has sex toys available if you have your eye on one and want to see if you can get it cheaper. If you indicate to the buyer during the order that you want no sales flyers or advertising for additional products under any circumstances, you should have no trouble. 

I realize it's a big concern for parents to order something of a sexual nature on line only to have their children surprised later by flyers of a sexual nature arriving in the mail.  It’s in the vendor's best interest to honor their customers’ requests. They know that if they do not, customers will not buy from them again. If they do send mailings, be sure to let others know  in your online review. 

 The church however discourages patronizing these brick and mortar establishments and for good reason. To patronize these places would be supporting the profane erotic industry. I have found that many of these places have also been lax is allowing minors into their stores. 

“Avoid places where [profane erotic images are] believed to exist.” A Church-produced pamphlet, How Can I Help in the Fight Against Pornography? (stock no. PXPC3751)

Should you as a couple decide to exercise your agency to visit a sex toy shop, pay cash. The store will use your credit card information or personal check information to mail you flyers or sell your address so other vendors can mail you sexual aid flyers. Also, be aware that these places are wall to wall images of profane nude images and many have a monitor up showing profane erotic films. 

 

Being newly married, you both my enjoy the adventure of exploring and experimenting with many of the marital intimacy accessories available and some may not. Many sex toys are moderately expensive, and since you can't try them out before buying, you may find yourself disappointed and out a large sum of cash when they don't meet the expectation you hope to achieve.  If you have children, you will find they have to be concealed and won't be readily handy when the moment of passion arises.  If you're looking for something reliable, discreet and will get the job done, in the end most couples end up returning again and again to the Hitachi Magic Wand. There are also cordless versions. However, (as the Hitachi can be very strong) the corded version will allow you to plug it into a dimmer switch that will allow you both more control over the intensity of the vibration.

If your situation has a particular need or if you want a second opinion on a particular marital aid, or you would like help with recommendations, feel free to contact me personally by email, or instant message me on the Eternal Marriage Bed Facebook page or Eternal Marriage Bed on MeWe. Those conversations are kept confidential to protect the sanctity of your marital intimacy.

Sex Toys In The LDS Marriage Part 9 of 11

 WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred sexual nature and is intended for married couples only. Reader discretion is advised.

 

 Click here in case you missed part [1], [2], [3] ,[4], [5], [6], [7] or [8]

My bishop (or other Church member/leader) has said that using sex toys will make us unworthy to enter the temple.

If a single person uses a vibrator to achieve an orgasm, that person needs to repent and regain their worthiness before the Lord. In addition to being a prurient breaking of the law of chastity, solo masturbation or masturbating when single is a habit that has been shown to have detrimental side effects to your marriage.

When a married person uses a toy or another sexual aid primarily instead of going to their spouse for sexual intimacy, this can create resentment and therefore does the opposite of what sex was intended for - to bring you closer together.

While the use of sex toys is not sinful in marriage by themselves, sex toys (like any other sexual practice or technique) can be used in a wrongful manner, including to hurt or damage our spouse’s body.

If we are forcing, guilting, or coercing our spouse into using sex toys when they would prefer not to, we can and should repent. Repentance means adjusting your approach, making restitution with yourself and your spouse and the Lord, and, if necessary, moving on. Don’t sweat it. Learning what works and what doesn’t sexually in your marriage is part of the game (and the fun, when you do find something that works for the both of you.)

If you bring a sexual concern about using sex toys to your Church leader, that leader is in all likelihood going to tell you to stop and not use them. It's important to understand what that counsel means, though. 

If the use of sex toys is in some way driving a couple apart instead of bringing them closer, then that couple needs to stop using sex toys (at least temporarily) until they’ve discovered the true source of their challenges and worked through it. 

It doesn't mean they should never use sex toys. It doesn't mean that no one should ever use sex toys. 

It means they should resolve any underlying concerns and issues that are keeping them from using them, if they're able. Until then, they should not use them.

For more thoughts on church leaders’ advice regarding married sexuality, see my blog entitled “Is the Bishop In Your Bedroom”[i].

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[i] http://eternalmarriagebed.blogspot.com/2011/02/is-bishop-in-your-bedroom.html

Sex Toys In The LDS Marriage Part 8 of 11

 WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred sexual nature and is intended for married couples only. Reader discretion is advised.

 

 Click here in case you missed part [1], [2], [3] ,[4], [5], [6],and [7]

 

What if my spouse starts to prefer the sex toy instead of having sex with me?

While toys are helpful and a high potential for wholesome marital fun, they cannot truly replace intimacy with a live human being in a loving interaction.[i]

Toys can stimulate the sexually responsive nerves that bring a person to orgasm, but they don’t do pillow talk. They don’t caress you lovingly. They don’t trigger those biochemical; ionic interactions that create the full experience of talking, touching, tasting, and sharing that is human intimacy.They also do not complete our sexual cycles that enable us to fulfill the full measure of our creations. The full orchestra of marital intimacy is so much more than the 2 dimensional physical act of sexual intercourse.

While you may satisfy one aspect of you (the body), a lot of other parts go unsatisfied if all you ever do is use a sex toy.

If this is a concern, it would be an excellent opportunity to have an open conversation about this with your spouse. Talk about what they or you may feel is missing from the relationship. Do they trust you with their feelings to let go and be vulnerable with you? Such conversations are sometimes difficult to have, but they are well worth the effort. Overcoming conflict together intensifies intimacy.

If the barrier is deeper than this, a marriage counselor can be helpful here. The rule of thumb here is that sex is supposed to be used as a tool to strengthen your eternal bond. Sex toys should be used to enhance that, not separate you or push you apart.

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[i] Schreiber, Katherine MFA, LMSW , How Sex Toys Impact Relationships “Whether sex toys end up enhancing a relationship or leading to conflict likely depends on the nature of openness and communication between partners. As a 2013 report by the Guttmacher Institute demonstrates, the more positively individuals in relationships rate their interactions with their partners, the higher they tend to rate their desire for one another as well as the satisfaction they derive from their relationship — inside and outside of the bedroom." (a secular reference, but has some useful advice about sexual communication between a man and a wife): https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-truth-about-exercise-addiction/201705/how-sex-toys-impact-relationships

Sex Toys In The LDS Marriage Part 7 of 11

 WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred sexual nature and is intended for married couples only. Reader discretion is advised.

 

 

 Click here in case you missed part [1], [2], [3] ,[4], [5], and [6]

A husband or wife may also carry this belief with them:

Sex toys are immoral because they don’t assist in procreation.

Actually, they very much can be an aid in the procreation process.

Stimulation of the clitoris helps to prepare the vagina for sex. similar to the penis, when stimulated, the vaginal walls become engorged with blood. The vagina will also self-lubricate. This increases feeling for both the husband and wife when he inserts his penis. As arousal continues and if he has inserted himself, the vagina is self-adjusting. This means it adjusts to the shape,size and length of the husband’s penis. The cervix also moves down to meet the head of the penis.

If the wife is brought to orgasm (and she can have more than one), after he has released his semen, the cervix has been shown to engage in a dipping motion into the pool of semen at the back of the vagina. This is believed to help in the conception process.[i]

The chemical release of dopamine after ejaculation causes the husband to become very drowsy and briefly disoriented. Here is where a vibrator can come in handy to allow the wife to come to orgasm if the husband has already achieved one. It is during her orgasm when the dipping action takes place, which helps aid in the conception process.I find this debunks the idea of making sure "she comes first." If you're trying to conceive, it's actually more beneficial if he helps her orgasm second. 

Since his ability to obtain an erection has been spent, and his reward chemical release has temporarily disabled him, a sex toy can come in very handy here. He can use it on his wife, or he can hold her while she uses it on herself.

Procreation is not the only reason for married couples to be intimate with each other.[ii] If this were the case, the sex drive would naturally diminish in both healthy men and women (especially women) as the childbearing years ended…but this is not the case.

In many cases, women in particular often experience a heightened desire for having sex as they age. This can be especially true past menopause. Why would this happen if procreation were the only reason for having sex?

Dr. Helen Fisher teaches that this may be due to our ancestral natural selection biological make-up. A trait (particular to humans) where sex is not only used for procreation, but also as a way to keep the male around to help raise the children.[iii] From an eternal perspective, it is also a way the Lord has designed as a balm to help a couple cope with the challenges of marriage and to keep the couple together for all eternity.

Using sex toys shouldn’t be the only kind of sexual activity a couple has. We’ve been counseled to not have sex to the exclusion of activities that result in procreation. Having babies is still a vital function, and the Lord has commanded us to have children where age and health permit,[i] but that doesn’t mean that every intimate encounter has to be missionary position vaginal intercourse. Sex toys are certainly allowable as a tool in a married couple’s sexually intimate repertoire

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[i] Packer, Boyd K. The Plan of Happiness, April 2015 Conference

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[i] Barry R. Komisaruk, Carlos Beyer-Flores, and Beverly Whipple. “The Science of Orgasm”, pg. 36. https://books.google.com/books?id=2As5NR2_JygC&pg=PA36&lpg=PA36&dq=cervix+dipping+into+pool+of+semen++orgasm&source=bl&ots=0dDVK_TUCo&sig=SbupnoCjC_5zEK32lKhbxZuMH7E&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0CCoQ6AEwAmoVChMInfqc0PL1yAIVBC0mCh3g6gXZ#v=onepage&q=cervix%20dipping%20into%20pool%20of%20semen%20%20orgasm&f=false

[ii] “Marriage between a man and a woman is fundamental to the Lord’s doctrine and crucial to God’s eternal plan. Marriage between a man and a woman is God’s pattern for a fulness of life on earth and in heaven. God’s marriage pattern cannot be abused, misunderstood, or misconstrued.³³ Not if you want true joy. God’s marriage pattern protects the sacred power of procreation and the joy of true marital intimacy.” – Russell M. Nelson, “Decisions For Eternity”, Ensign, Nov 2013, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/decisions-for-eternity?lang=eng, (emphasis added)

[iii] Helen Fisher and Eric Meyers. “Science of the Sexes”, Discovery Channel Classics, Not Rated, 2008

Sex Toys In The LDS Marriage Part 6 of 11

 WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred sexual nature and is intended for married couples only. Reader discretion is advised.

 Click here in case you missed part [1], [2], [3] ,[4] and [5]

Today we address this potential obstacle: 

 

Sex toys are for masturbating, and masturbation is against gospel doctrine.

The council in the Church that’s given against masturbation is directed to those who are single and in the context of outside of marriage, and is not necessarily aimed at those who are married. For more information, please  read the examples I give of this in my article “The Seven Types of Masturbation”.[i]

As discussed previously, sex toys can also be used to perpetuate a solo masturbation habit in marriage, but this often is an abuse of sex toys. Toys should never replace sexual activity with your spouse – only facilitate it.

Mutual masturbation in marriage is not against gospel principles when used as a tool to bond you intimately as husband and wife. When used with this spirit of the law in mind, it is a wholesome exercise of our sacred procreative powers in the bounds the Lord has set.

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[i] “The Seven Types of Masturbation”. One of many articles regarding masturbation I have written, and very appropriate here: https://eternalmarriagebed.blogspot.com/2017/11/the-seven-types-of-masturbation.html 

Sex Toys In The LDS Marriage - Part 5 of 11

WARNING: This post contains a topic of a sacred sexual nature and is intended for married couples only. Reader discretion is advised.

 

Click here in case you missed part [1], [2], [3] and [4]

This week we address the concern:

Sexual intercourse alone should be enough for any couple to be happy sexually. Sex toys are not needed, unless someone is addicted to profane erotica.

Sexual intercourse is not always sufficient, more specifically for women, to achieve an orgasm.

Some studies have found that as few as 25% of women are able to achieve orgasm strictly through intercourse and nothing else. In addition, (depending on her arousal and sexual response) it can take from 20 minutes to an hour for a woman to reach orgasm. There is nothing wrong with this. It requires loving consideration and patience on the husband’s part in order to give this loving gift to his wife.

However, (unless he is an athlete used to making hip thrust movements with a consistent speed and rhythm continuously for 45 minutes) many husbands may not have the physical stamina to keep up the physical movements that long. Also, the average man reaches orgasm within 2-7 minutes, which is not nearly enough time for women to be stimulated themselves.

Many sexual positions, including the popular missionary position, often provide insufficient stimulation to the woman’s clitoris.

While varying positions can sometimes help with this, most often women achieve more success with direct stimulation to the clitoris, either manually or with a vibrator or other sexually stimulating implement.

The more often a husband has sex and the more satiated he becomes over time, the longer it can also take him to have an orgasm. This can actually be beneficial in helping his wife come to orgasm, but if she orgasms before he does, then using a sex toy on him is also an option. However, when this happens, I usually advise that this is a good indicator that his body is telling him to take a break from sex for a day or two.

What about those who are elderly? Those who are disabled? Those who do not as yet feel confident in their ability to stimulate their spouse to an orgasm?

Are those couples unworthy of sexual pleasure in their marriage? For a husband who’s uncertain of how his wife’s body works, using a vibrator or another sex toy can greatly increase his self-confidence in the bedroom, and make her satisfaction a much easier achievement. In addition, it’s not only arousing for a husband, but also gives a tremendous boost to his ego when he learns that he can give his wife that gift. It maintains its sanctity when a married couple keeps these things between themselves.

For those who would prefer to avoid sex toys and want to try manual stimulation techniques instead, there are some halfway-decent sources in the world for learning this, although they often come with images or content some may feel to be profane, depending on you or your spouse’s sensitivity. I don’t post such sacred things in an open blog, but I do provide information when asked for individually.

If you’d like more information on helpful techniques, please feel free to send me an email at samzaragoza@sbcglobal.net, or message me at my Facebook page, The Eternal Marriage Bed (Facebook The Eternal Marriage Bed). On MeWe " Eternal Marriage Bed" This is a private group. Those joining will at minimum be married but also be aware that this is a group addressing Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints doctrine, morals, standards and philosophy on marriage.