Podcast#4 Is It Porn or Is It Safe For My Marriage?

Join me LDS Sex Coach Sam Zaragoza as my wife and I address sexuality concerns specifically for married members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Today we answer a reader's question about how to know what and where is a safe way to get sexual instructional materials for his temple marriage without crossing the line into "pornography" and creating worthiness issues.

Podcast#3 Emergency Lockdown Sex

The next in our series of podcasts. Whether it's vacation, holiday or locked in together for an extended period due to a quarantine, here are some tips to help turn marital sex from being a point of  dread for your spouse or contention to a game plan that will keep your marriage happy and thriving and where you both win.

Thanks for tuning in and please let me know if you have any trouble with the links. Please like, share and feel free to leave a comment. If you have any topic relating to sex in general or sex in marriage that has been pestering you and your spouse and would like me to research and address it, please email me at samzaragoza@sbcglobal.net


 The Eternal Marriage Bed Podcast#3 Emergency Lockdown Sex

Abuse Spoils The Sex In Marriage

Today we are looking at General Handbook 38.6.2 on Abuse. 

This section applies to your eternal marriage bed in that any kind of abuse can sour and be detrimental to experiencing the full symphony of marital sexual intimacy. It will also flag a moving violation in the marriage rule book that keeps it fun and healthy for everyone. 

When it talks of abuse of “spouse”, it is referring to a wife abusing a husband and/or a husband abusing a wife. While we need to acknowledge that the majority of reported abuse cases are of women being abused, culturally we tend to forget or ignore that 40% of reported abuse is of men [1]  being abused as well. 

Your marriage may not have any of these problems, but it’s good to know how the church defines “abuse” and what the policy is on how the church leadership prefers it be addressed. 

Many couples may not be aware of how the church defines abuse and may be in an abusive relationship and not know it. Again, to keep eternal marriages thriving, the atonement of Jesus Christ applies here as well.

 For this reason, I recommend you as a couple read and discuss this definition of abuse and where your personal understanding and interpersonal expressions may need to be adjusted.

This is not the full information available. 

I tried to keep this focused on what applies specifically to what may occur between you as a couple or in your interactions with your children. It’s also good to be aware of how your Bishop and Stake President are required to respond.

38.6.2

Abuse

Abuse is the mistreatment or neglect of others in a way that causes physical, sexual, emotional, or financial harm. The Church’s position is that abuse cannot be tolerated in any form. Those who abuse their spouses, children, other family members, or anyone else violate the laws of God and man…

When abuse occurs, the first and immediate responsibility of Church leaders is to help those who have been abused and to protect vulnerable persons from future abuse. Leaders should not encourage a person to remain in a home or situation that is abusive or unsafe.

38.6.2.1

Abuse Help Line

In some countries, the Church has established a confidential abuse help line to assist stake presidents and bishops. These leaders should promptly call the help line about every situation in which a person may have been abused—or is at risk of being abused. They should also call it if they become aware of a member viewing, purchasing, or distributing child [profane erotica]…

Bishops and stake presidents should call the help line when addressing situations involving any type of abuse. Legal and clinical professionals will answer their questions…
The Church is committed to complying with the law in reporting abuse (see 38.6.2.7). Laws differ by location, and most Church leaders are not legal experts. Calling the help line is essential for bishops and stake presidents to fulfill their responsibilities to report abuse.

A bishop should also notify his stake president of instances of abuse.

In countries that do not have a help line, a bishop who learns of abuse should contact his stake president. He will seek guidance from the area legal counsel at the area office.

38.6.2.2

Counseling in Cases of Abuse

Stake presidents and bishops make every effort to counsel those who have been involved in abuse. Victims of abuse often suffer serious trauma and feelings of guilt. These victims are not guilty of sin. Leaders should be sensitive to them and give caring counsel and support to help them overcome the destructive effects of abuse. Leaders also give assurances of God’s love.

Stake presidents and bishops should help those who have committed abuse to repent and to cease their abusive behavior. If an adult has committed a sexual sin against a child, the behavior may be very difficult to change. The process of repentance may be very prolonged. See 38.6.2.3.

Stake presidents and bishops should also be caring and sensitive when working with the families of victims and perpetrators of abuse…

In addition to the inspired help of Church leaders, professional counseling may be needed for victims, offenders, and their families. In the United States and Canada, leaders may contact a Family Services office for assistance. …

For information about what bishops and stake presidents should do when they learn of any type of abuse, see 38.6.2.1.

38.6.2.3

Child or Youth Abuse

Abuse of a child or youth is an especially serious sin (see Luke 17:2). As used here, child or youth abuse includes the following:

·         Physical abuse: Inflicting serious bodily harm by physical violence. Some harm may not be visible.

·         Sexual abuse or exploitation: Having any sexual activity with a child or youth or intentionally allowing or helping others to have such activity. As used here, sexual abuse does not include consensual sexual activity between two minors who are close in age.

·         Emotional abuse: Using actions and words to seriously damage a child or youth’s sense of self-respect or self-worth. This usually involves repeated and continuing insults, manipulations, and criticisms that humiliate and belittle. It may also include gross neglect.

·         Child pornography: See 38.6.6.

If a bishop or stake president learns of or suspects child or youth abuse, he promptly follows the instructions in 38.6.2.1. He also takes action to help protect against further abuse. If a minor abuses a child, the stake president contacts the Office of the First Presidency for direction.

A Church membership council and record annotation are required if an adult member abuses a child or youth as described in this section. See also 32.6.1.1 and 38.6.2.5.

Physical or emotional bullying between children or youth of a similar age should be addressed by ward leaders. A membership council is not held.

38.6.2.4

Abuse of a Spouse or Another Adult

Abuse of a spouse or another adult can occur in many ways. These include physical, sexual, emotional, and financial abuse….

Often there is not a single definition of abuse that can be applied in all situations. Instead, there is a spectrum of severity in abusive behavior. This spectrum ranges from occasionally using sharp words to inflicting serious harm.

If a bishop or stake president learns of abuse of a spouse or another adult, he promptly follows the instructions in 38.6.2.1. He also takes action to help protect against further abuse.

Leaders seek the direction of the Spirit to determine whether personal counseling or a membership council is the most appropriate setting to address abuse. They may also counsel with their direct priesthood leader about the setting. However, any abuse of a spouse or another adult that rises to the levels described below requires holding a membership council.

·         Physical abuse: Inflicting serious bodily harm by physical violence. Some harm may not be visible.

·         Sexual abuse: 38.6.15

Sexual Abuse

The Church condemns sexual abuse. As used here, sexual abuse is defined as imposing any unwanted sexual activity on another person. Sexual activity with a person who cannot give legal consent is considered sexual abuse. Sexual abuse can also occur with a spouse. ..

Sexual abuse covers a broad range of actions, from harassment to assault. It can occur physically, verbally, and in other ways.

If leaders and members become aware of sexual abuse, they take action to protect victims and others as soon as possible. This includes alerting the bishop or stake president.

If a bishop or stake president learns of sexual abuse, he calls the Church’s abuse help line in countries where it is available (see 38.6.2.1). In other countries, the stake president seeks guidance from the area legal counsel at the area office.

A membership council is required if a member committed a rape or is convicted of sexual assault (see 32.6.1.1). A council must also be held for sexual activity with a vulnerable adult. As used here, a vulnerable adult is a person who, because of physical or mental limitations, either cannot consent to the activity or cannot understand the nature of it.

To address other forms of sexual abuse, leaders seek the Spirit’s guidance about whether personal counseling or a membership council is the most appropriate setting (see 32.6.2.2 and 32.8). In severe cases a council is required. Leaders may counsel with their direct priesthood leader about the setting.

If membership restrictions result from a membership council that is held for sexual abuse, a person’s records are annotated.

Victims of sexual abuse often suffer serious trauma and feelings of guilt. These victims are not guilty of sin. Leaders should be sensitive to them and give caring counsel and support to help them overcome the destructive effects of abuse. Leaders also give assurances of God’s love.

For information about counseling in cases of abuse, see 38.6.2.2.

·         Emotional abuse: Using actions and words to seriously damage a person’s sense of self-respect or self-worth. This usually involves repeated and continuing insults, manipulations, and criticisms that humiliate and belittle.

·         Financial abuse: Taking advantage of someone financially. This may include the illegal or unauthorized use of a person’s property, money, or other valuables. It may also include fraudulently obtaining financial power over someone. It could include using financial power to coerce behavior. See also 32.6.1.3.

[i]

---

[1] Martin R. Huecker; William Smock, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK499891/, Domestic Violence (2019)

[i]www.ChurchofJesusChrist.org,  General Handbook (38.6, 2020) 

Podcast #2 Talking About Sex With My Fiance`

Here is our second podcast where Dianna and I discuss come corrections to our last podcast and a reader's question about how to talk about sex before they get married. 

Please let me know if you have any trouble accessing this link.

The Eternal Marriage Bed - Our First Podcast

Hello to all my faithful readers out there. I know I promised a VLOG, but couldn't convince my wife to get on the camera, but I did convince her to do podcasts.

This is our first, so please be gentle. Our first test was to see if we could even do it and learn all that is involved in setting this up.

In this episode I review how I got started and our purpose in starting this blog.

Some of you submitted questions, so in future podcasts we will address those there.

Enjoy!

The Eternal Marriage Bed Podcast #1

CTC Night ( At Home) - School Pizza!

Happy continue-the-courtship night all you married lovers out there.

How many of you have fond memories of the grade school cafeteria pizza?  You might be surprised to know just how cheap and easy it is to make.   From prep to time baking it takes about 30 minutes as well.

For tonight's cheap, stuck at home date idea, make school pizza together. Mix it up together and bump into each other a lot in the kitchen.

You may want to play some music you remember from grade school and then watch a fun movie together while you devour your treat. Talking is allowed in the lunch room!

Here is the recipe and a video with some mixing instructions. Happy Dating!

Equipment:
* Oven preheated 450 - 500 degrees F
* A large cookie sheet
* parchment paper
* cooking spray

Spray your pan and press the parchment paper into it

Pourable Crust: (The ingredients don't have to be exact)
* 2 packages of instant dry yeast or 2 T. of instant dry yeast
* 2 1/4 C all purpose flour
* 1 C. powdered milk
*3 T. Sugar
* 1 1/2 tsp. Salt
* 2 T. Oil
* 1 1/4 cups of hot to the touch tap water.  Add more if needed.
Dump them in a bowl and mix them all together into a batter. Set aside and prep the other ingredients while you let the yeast activate and get bubbly.

Sauce:
* 2 cans tomato paste
* Chopped garlic - to taste
* Onion and garlic powder to taste
* Salt - to taste - but be careful to put only a little at a time
* Italian herb mix - about 2 tablespoons
* 2 cups of water or enough to make a really thin, wet sauce.
Just blend it all together in a bowl

Topping:
* 1 lb. ground beef browned
* tsp salt
* tsp pepper
You can add chopped onion and or garlic and onion powder if you want.

Cheese:
* The cheapest mozzarella you can find. The idea is to go for the cheapest most plastic like cheese you can find. Remember, this is school cafeteria pizza. You could also try grating American cheese or soy cheese.  You'll need about 2 - 3 cups of it.

Pour the batter into your prepped pan and spread it really thin.  Then bake it for 10 min.
 Take it out of the oven and smother it with sauce, the top with the meat, then the cheese. Bake for another 10min.  Let cool for about 10 - 15min to let the crust settle and give that chewy texture.

Cut into big rectangles and serve.

CTC Night - At Home - New Years Reflection

Here's a great date idea to do when you're stuck at home (for whatever reason).

It's a good one to get you both talking, touching, and connecting. For you brethren, there is no more powerful aphrodisiac for your wife than conversation.

New years isn't just a time for resolutions, it's a time to review the goals you've set in the past.

It doesn't do any good to have a "vision board" if you never look at it.

This date night, put on a movie with some snacks for the kids (if they're small) and set up the baby monitor, then retreat to the bedroom. If you have reliable relatives visiting or can take them to grandma's, consider that option as well, but do your best to have 4 hours alone.

If you've made a 5 or 10 year goals list for your marriage, now is a good time to review and re-evaluate how you think you are doing to reach those goals. If you haven't made any goals, set some together.  Make the goal attainable. If the previous goals turn out to be a little unrealistic after reviewing them again, it's ok to let them go or whittle them down to be more attainable.

Some ideas to consider:

* Regular "Continue-The-Courtship" nights
* Better employment
*Education goals
*Retirement goals
*Death and burial wishes
*Fitness goals or diet changes that will require the participation of your spouse
* Perhaps moving to a better location
* Temple attendance
*Scripture study (personal and family)
*Holiday traditions to add/remove in the future
*Anger management
*Ways to improve communication
*Experimenting with something new sexually that the other spouse wants to try
*Learning a new sexual technique
* Having your first orgasm, learning how to help your spouse have an orgasm or how to make their sexual experience more pleasant if that is a challenge.
*Planning regular hotel trips
* Planning that cruise or European vacation in the next 5 years you've always wanted.

Really, anything you want, but that is the fun of this conversion is that there is no limit or restrictions on your wish list.

Then talk about what steps need to be taken to get there. You may have the makings of the next several dates to finish this list, but try to keep them attainable.

Most important, agree that no matter what the other person suggests, they will be free to express their idea without reproach or shaming  - no matter how weird or gross it may sound to you. It may be extremely important to the other. However, also agree to hear out the other's concerns.

Intimacy is not possible without conflict. Treat the conflict like a soccer ball. Kick it around between the two of you. And when you work out the conflict together, it strengthens your trust and intimacy.  You BOTH win.

Happy New Year! 

When Your Husband or Wife Was Not A Virgin

For my professional quote this week, I wanted to share this video made by married couple Paul and Morgan.  I’m grateful to them for sharing this very intimate and sacred part of their relationship in the hopes that others could learn and marriages edified from their experience. Please review it with reverence for the sacred nature of married sexuality. 

While the standard and goal of every Latter-Day Saint is to remain celibate and sexually pure before marriage, as well as engaging in sexuality in marriage with full fidelity, we are still human and fallible. 

Due to a multitude of circumstances, many LDS youth choose not to follow the Lord’s moral guidelines and give in to or succumb to their sexual appetites. Or, many of the Saints did not grow up in the Church and became members later in their lives.

 These members may not have lived a law of chastity, because it was not required of them in their youth.  So, what about them? Even though they repent and, through the atonement of Christ, do not feel the sting or burden of those sins, many of the consequences (latent or manifest) still remain. Morgan shares some of the emotional consequences she still struggles with.  How do we help these beloved converts move forward and have healthy eternal marriages? 

Morgan was sexually active with a previous boyfriend before she met Paul. Paul kept himself morally pure all the way to and through marriage. 

They each talk about and contrast their experiences. Something that stood out to me was Morgan admitting that her having been sexually active, even though she repented, created challenges for her while dating Paul. Challenges that did not pose as strong a challenge for Paul, because he had mastered his ability to bridle those powerful drives. 

Most important was Morgan sharing her temptation to keep her past a secret from her husband. By instead sharing and allowing Paul to know and understand her past, he was given an opportunity to demonstrate his love and commitment to Morgan by being allowed to carry that burden with her. Through this, they were both blessed.  It strengthened their friendship, bond and unity as married companions and friends. The complete opposite of what many (with a "past") expect. It's a way for us to be "saviors" to each other and use the tool of marriage for what it was intended - to become more like Christ.

 Their experience also helped to reinforce what I wrote in the The Four Marriage Killers “Secrets”  article.

Please click on the link below to hear Morgan and Paul’s experience.