CTC Night - At Home - New Years Reflection

Here's a great date idea to do when you're stuck at home (for whatever reason).

It's a good one to get you both talking, touching, and connecting. For you brethren, there is no more powerful aphrodisiac for your wife than conversation.

New years isn't just a time for resolutions, it's a time to review the goals you've set in the past.

It doesn't do any good to have a "vision board" if you never look at it.

This date night, put on a movie with some snacks for the kids (if they're small) and set up the baby monitor, then retreat to the bedroom. If you have reliable relatives visiting or can take them to grandma's, consider that option as well, but do your best to have 4 hours alone.

If you've made a 5 or 10 year goals list for your marriage, now is a good time to review and re-evaluate how you think you are doing to reach those goals. If you haven't made any goals, set some together.  Make the goal attainable. If the previous goals turn out to be a little unrealistic after reviewing them again, it's ok to let them go or whittle them down to be more attainable.

Some ideas to consider:

* Regular "Continue-The-Courtship" nights
* Better employment
*Education goals
*Retirement goals
*Death and burial wishes
*Fitness goals or diet changes that will require the participation of your spouse
* Perhaps moving to a better location
* Temple attendance
*Scripture study (personal and family)
*Holiday traditions to add/remove in the future
*Anger management
*Ways to improve communication
*Experimenting with something new sexually that the other spouse wants to try
*Learning a new sexual technique
* Having your first orgasm, learning how to help your spouse have an orgasm or how to make their sexual experience more pleasant if that is a challenge.
*Planning regular hotel trips
* Planning that cruise or European vacation in the next 5 years you've always wanted.

Really, anything you want, but that is the fun of this conversion is that there is no limit or restrictions on your wish list.

Then talk about what steps need to be taken to get there. You may have the makings of the next several dates to finish this list, but try to keep them attainable.

Most important, agree that no matter what the other person suggests, they will be free to express their idea without reproach or shaming  - no matter how weird or gross it may sound to you. It may be extremely important to the other. However, also agree to hear out the other's concerns.

Intimacy is not possible without conflict. Treat the conflict like a soccer ball. Kick it around between the two of you. And when you work out the conflict together, it strengthens your trust and intimacy.  You BOTH win.

Happy New Year! 

When Your Husband or Wife Was Not A Virgin

For my professional quote this week, I wanted to share this video made by married couple Paul and Morgan.  I’m grateful to them for sharing this very intimate and sacred part of their relationship in the hopes that others could learn and marriages edified from their experience. Please review it with reverence for the sacred nature of married sexuality. 

While the standard and goal of every Latter-Day Saint is to remain celibate and sexually pure before marriage, as well as engaging in sexuality in marriage with full fidelity, we are still human and fallible. 

Due to a multitude of circumstances, many LDS youth choose not to follow the Lord’s moral guidelines and give in to or succumb to their sexual appetites. Or, many of the Saints did not grow up in the Church and became members later in their lives.

 These members may not have lived a law of chastity, because it was not required of them in their youth.  So, what about them? Even though they repent and, through the atonement of Christ, do not feel the sting or burden of those sins, many of the consequences (latent or manifest) still remain. Morgan shares some of the emotional consequences she still struggles with.  How do we help these beloved converts move forward and have healthy eternal marriages? 

Morgan was sexually active with a previous boyfriend before she met Paul. Paul kept himself morally pure all the way to and through marriage. 

They each talk about and contrast their experiences. Something that stood out to me was Morgan admitting that her having been sexually active, even though she repented, created challenges for her while dating Paul. Challenges that did not pose as strong a challenge for Paul, because he had mastered his ability to bridle those powerful drives. 

Most important was Morgan sharing her temptation to keep her past a secret from her husband. By instead sharing and allowing Paul to know and understand her past, he was given an opportunity to demonstrate his love and commitment to Morgan by being allowed to carry that burden with her. Through this, they were both blessed.  It strengthened their friendship, bond and unity as married companions and friends. The complete opposite of what many (with a "past") expect. It's a way for us to be "saviors" to each other and use the tool of marriage for what it was intended - to become more like Christ.

 Their experience also helped to reinforce what I wrote in the The Four Marriage Killers “Secrets”  article.

Please click on the link below to hear Morgan and Paul’s experience. 

How Well Do We Really Know Female Sexuality?

“Straight women tend to reach climax less than 60% of the time they have sex. Men reach climax 90% of the time they have sex. To address these issues, women have been sold flawed medications…

The thing is, female sexuality can’t be fixed with a pill. That’s because it’s not broken. It’s misunderstood.

We need a clearer understanding of how women actually work.

~ Sarah Barmak (author of Closer: Notes from the Orgasmic Frontier of Female Sexuality) Ted Talk “Women’s Sexuality Isn’t Complicated” Dec. 2016

As an example of how little we know about women’s sexuality and the urgent need for us as husbands to ask questions and learn more, Sarah went on to explain that the 16^th century fathers of anatomy were not sure what to do with what they saw of the clitoris because it didn’t appear to have anything to do with procreation.

It was even considered an abnormal growth. Those considered too large were medically advised to be excised. This was practiced in the West as late as the 20^th century. Even Freud recommended cutting off the clitoris if women expressed a libido. He recommended it as a treatment for what considered a testosterone birth defect causing a female to have too much male hormones.  

To further show how little we still know, the full clitoris was not fully 3-d mapped until 2009! I included an image of the full clitoris in the article.   

This should be concerning, if you think about it. The complete human genome blueprint was completed in 2003!

Our lack of understanding of the clitoris and female sexual anatomy is reflected in the medical books. Can you imagine “as a male” the penis not being included in the medical books?  Books that helped surgeons navigate during surgery to ensure nothing important was damaged or removed?

To help us as married couples ensure we can obtain and maintain the best possible sex, let us begin by eliminating the assumption that women’s sexuality and libido operate the same as a male’s and take the time to ask our wives what they need to feel aroused.

Ask them if they want an orgasm and learn how their clitoral nerves work so we can help them obtain one or let them know that it’s ok if they don’t want an orgasm every time you have sex as a couple.

I’ve included a link to the Sarah Barmak's TED talk if you wish to review it yourself. I did not share it on the Facebook page or the full transcript here because I didn’t feel her addressing of sexuality respected how we understand it to be in terms of sacredness. I found some of her statements to be irreverent in regards to the sacredness of sex.  

Dr. Sarah Hunter Murray Ph.D. 5 Ways to Help a Man Feel Desired

Five key things that make men feel desired (and why we don't talk about it). 

~Sarah Hunter Murray Ph.D. Posted on Psychology Today, Dec 23, 2018, Edited by Sam Zaragoza for the Eternal Marriage Bed on Sept. 21, 2019. To see the original, click here:

“Whether it's opening the car door, buying flowers for a birthday or anniversary, or initiating sexual activity, traditional sexual scripts and gender norms in our society consistently and reliably depict men as the ones who chase, pursue, and "do" the desiring, while women are the ones who are pursued and desired.

And while researchers have consistently found that feeling sexually desirable is a huge component of women's sexual desire, some of the latest research suggests that feeling sexually desired might actually be quite important to men's sexuality too — it's just that a lot of us don't tend to talk about it.

Why is that?

The short answer is that men's desire to feel desired goes against the grain of the narrow stereotype our society continues to promote around men and sex. That is, if men want to feel desired, it suggests that their sexual desire could (at least at times) be responsive rather than spontaneous. 

It suggests that men might sometimes prefer to be passive in their sexuality, rather than dominant and "aggressive." And it touches on a key underlying piece of men's sexuality that many of us don't tend to acknowledge: That is, men's desire might not be so strong, simple, constant, and unwavering. 

How Important Is Feeling Sexually Desired to Men?

The first question I asked the 237 participants in my study (heterosexual men, aged 18-65, in relationships of six months or longer) was how important feeling sexually desirable was to their sexual experiences. While 5.5 percent of the participants indicated that it was not important to their sexual experiences, a whopping 94.5 percent of study participants indicated that it was "very" or "extremely" important to their sexual experiences.

How Do Men Feel Sexually Desired?

The second piece I was interested in was understanding how men feel sexually desired. Men in my study indicated that there were several ways that they felt sexually desired by their partners, and I categorized them into five key themes:

1. Compliments

Many [husbands] indicated that simply hearing their wife… giving them a compliment on their physical appearance made them feel good and even sexually turned on. Participants gave examples of when their wife noticed when he got dressed up for a night out or told him something specific she liked about his body. As one example, a participant said:

article continues after advertisement

     "I feel kind of silly writing this, but she'll call me her beautiful man. Hello, my beautiful man, she'll say as I stand shirtless in the living room or when she walks in while I'm getting dressed. No one has ever called me that, but she says it so effortlessly, and it makes me feel wonderful about myself."

2. Flirting

[Husbands] in this study also described feeling sexually desired when their wife… was acting flirtatious in numerous ways that suggested she might be thinking about him sexually. For example, participants said things like:

     "Making sexual comments or flirting… giving me a peek at what she's wearing"

     "There are particular [aroused] looks, the way her hips wiggle when we're lying in bed, that make it clear she's thinking about sex."

3. Physical Touch

In addition to compliments and flirtatious gestures, men also described the importance of being touched by their [wife]. It's worth noting that this touch did not have to be sexual in nature for it to make men feel desirable. In fact, many men described liking to be touched in ways that sounded more romantic than overtly sexual. For example:

     "She makes physical contact. She will touch me when she walks past. Sometimes a simple squeezing of my foot when I'm on the recliner or brushing my forearm or shoulder. When I'm leaving, she will cup my butt in her hands. If I'm standing or sitting near her, she will lean in or snuggle. I love it." 

4. Initiating [Marital Intimacy]

A number of men also indicated that separate from being touched in what might be considered romantic ways (such as in the example above), when their [wife] overtly expressed her interest in [physical intimacy], to the point that she initiated sexual activity, it made [husbands] feel wanted and increased their own interest in having sex.

     "I feel desired when she initiates sex, either verbally or through touch."

     "Without prompting . . . she will initiate contact with me. Cuddling, hugging, kissing, pulling me into the bedroom, or just telling me she wants to have sex"

5. Enthusiastic Partner

Finally, men in my study indicated that it was not just the buildup to having sex that made them feel desired, but also how their [wife] interacted with them during sexual activity that mattered. That is, [husbands] indicated that having an emotionally present [wife], who was excited and "into" sex, was a huge component of their own sexual desire and enjoyment, and they had no interest in having sex with someone who was just waiting for sex to be over. For example:

     "By giving herself to me. This is not sexual. This is when we get together and blot out all of the other real-world distractions and focus on us. Sharing our feelings towards each other without distraction. Let the chemistry work."

What We're Missing

Despite the majority of men in my study indicating that feeling sexually desired by their female partner was an important part of their sexuality…, only 12 percent of participants indicated their partner made them feel as desired as they wanted. The other 88 percent of participants indicated that they wished their partner did the things described above. 

Takeaway

Men's desire to feel desired has important implications, particularly in heterosexual relationships. First, it's important to consider how much space we're leaving in our [marriages] for [husbands] to be vulnerable, wanted, desired, and not always be the ones who are dominant and in control during sexual encounters.

And while [wives] certainly aren't at fault, nor purely responsible for making their partners feel desirable, it may be empowering for some [wives] to [know they are allowed to take] a more active sexual role through pursuing, desiring, and initiating sex with their partner, instead of [feeling they are required to always be the] more passive and responsive, as the more traditional, stereotypical sexual roles [cultural norms and the media] continue to [portray].”

About the Author

Sarah Hunter Murray, Ph.D., is a sex researcher and relationship therapist specializing in how men and women experience sexual desire in long-term relationships.

Psychology Today © 2019 Sussex Publishers, LLC. Items in brackets show where adjustments were made by Sam Zaragoza.